Visiting in her home city....

[Tanya and Barry 59]

I see a lot of problems in RUB marriages occur because the partners didn't know each other and had little face time before marrying or becoming engaged. I visited Tanya 5 or 6 times in quick succession before we got engaged. I am curious about what others did as well.

[Brad and Vika 129]

I see a lot of problems in RUB marriages occur because the partners didn't know each other and had little face time before marrying or becoming engaged. I visited Tanya 5 or 6 times in quick succession before we got engaged. I am curious about what others did as well.

+1 for you Barry! Several of us make that point regularly. There is some disagreement amongst the order about face time being necessary, and can you get a good sense over the internet alone, etc. I don't think there is any one way to do this correctly because everybody is different. There does seem to be a common theme to the relationships that have troubles - that being the couple really didn't seem to be on the same page.

Although I met Vika here, we both felt it important to spend a fair amount of time together. We decided after she returned to Ukraine though . I visited as often as I could during the visa process, and she says that it meant the world to her that I showed up for her interview and escorted her home.

[Dave&Roza 748]

I see a lot of problems in RUB marriages occur because the partners didn't know each other and had little face time before marrying or becoming engaged. I visited Tanya 5 or 6 times in quick succession before we got engaged. I am curious about what others did as well.

I think it is important to visit their country to get a feeling for the cultural differences that exist between the US and FSU countries. There are common themes between FSU countries and then there are vast differences. My wife visited me a couple of times in the US and I visited her a couple of times in Kazakhstan. We e-mailed a lot and talked on the phone. It is just like two people who live in the US and date. You really do not get to know the person until you share living arrangements and are together "24/7". How many US couples can handle the dating as long as each has their own living situation? But bring them into the same house/apartment they find they cannot live with each other anymore.

I think it has more to do with the people involved and how committed they are to each other and willing to make the marriage work then how much face time you have with each other. Too often we get frustrated and just quit. I much prefer my life with Roza in it then I did when I was alone. So I will fight to make this marriage work. YMMV.

My 3 tenge worth,

Dave

[AmyWrites 593]

I got really lucky and was able to move to Russia. I think many visits should work or maybe one or two longer visits though.

[baron555 934]

We only met in person for 10 days; I was very picky when I chose my wife from the on-line catalog.

[baron555 934]

I see a lot of problems in RUB marriages occur because the partners didn't know each other and had little face time before marrying or becoming engaged. I visited Tanya 5 or 6 times in quick succession before we got engaged. I am curious about what others did as well.

Based on personal knowledge of about 10 couples here in the US, those who are having "difficulties", are merely having the usual difficulties that could be expected, based on the facts particular to them.

I don't know if additional face-time would have made any difference in their cases.

To summarize:

1. The FSU spouse (and/or family) not being fully prepared for how life is conducted here in the states versus back in their country. One may call this cultural differences or just differences in living in a different country. I've seen FSU folks totally freak out over some of the vast differences and place 100% onus on the USC not preparing them fully before asking them to come here to live. My wife and I were able to do this long distance using the various communication medium available. Many USCs may not be able to fully utilize these mediums or are just not as adept at discussing the differences. Don't know if added face-time would have helped.

2. Financial difficulties and not realizing the true costs to bring the FSU folks over there and the ongoing costs required as they assimilate into this life and how their new family lives can be conducted. In two cases the USC is fully to blame and did not fully disclose to their future spouse; in my mind I wonder, "What were you thinking? You are not financially ready for this endevour." Also in these two particular cases these guys had multiple vists, so face-time is not the issue.

3. When FSU children, especially young children are brought over, I see that the USC spouse does not fully engage themselves in the lives of these children. This leaves the majority of the burden on the FSU spouse who in turn is trying their best to also assimilate. A point of fact is that the USC spouse has already had children (all that I know have grown up children) and maybe (just my thought) that they are through with raising another small child. Again I don't know if additional face-time would have helped.

But a very large majority of USC/FSU couples I know are doing very well; so I personally don't see a lot of problems.

What I do see is that the FSU future spouses place a lot of trust in the USC (to fully prepare them for their new lives) and I do see that they are very hard workers when faced with issues. If I had any advice to give it would be to the USC to fully do their homework prior to ever beginning with the international dating process. Secondly would be fully honest with themselves and with their future spouses. This advice holds true for any future spouse immigrating from most countries to the US.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Based on personal knowledge of about 10 couples here in the US, those who are having "difficulties", are merely having the usual difficulties that could be expected, based on the facts particular to them.

I don't know if additional face-time would have made any difference in their cases.

To summarize:

1. The FSU spouse (and/or family) not being fully prepared for how life is conducted here in the states versus back in their country. One may call this cultural differences or just differences in living in a different country. I've seen FSU folks totally freak out over some of the vast differences and place 100% onus on the USC not preparing them fully before asking them to come here to live. My wife and I were able to do this long distance using the various communication medium available. Many USCs may not be able to fully utilize these mediums or are just not as adept at discussing the differences. Don't know if added face-time would have helped.

2. Financial difficulties and not realizing the true costs to bring the FSU folks over there and the ongoing costs required as they assimilate into this life and how their new family lives can be conducted. In two cases the USC is fully to blame and did not fully disclose to their future spouse; in my mind I wonder, "What were you thinking? You are not financially ready for this endevour." Also in these two particular cases these guys had multiple vists, so face-time is not the issue.

3. When FSU children, especially young children are brought over, I see that the USC spouse does not fully engage themselves in the lives of these children. This leaves the majority of the burden on the FSU spouse who in turn is trying their best to also assimilate. A point of fact is that the USC spouse has already had children (all that I know have grown up children) and maybe (just my thought) that they are through with raising another small child. Again I don't know if additional face-time would have helped.

But a very large majority of USC/FSU couples I know are doing very well; so I personally don't see a lot of problems.

What I do see is that the FSU future spouses place a lot of trust in the USC (to fully prepare them for their new lives) and I do see that they are very hard workers when faced with issues. If I had any advice to give it would be to the USC to fully do their homework prior to ever beginning with the international dating process. Secondly would be fully honest with themselves and with their future spouses. This advice holds true for any future spouse immigrating from most countries to the US.

Since I mentioned face time above, I suppose this is indirectly a response to some of my post. If not, I stand corrected. As you can see Barry, and as I said above, there is some disagreement as to the need to actually see and spend time together Those of us with opinions are pretty entrenched, and will post the case at great length.

Again, I think that there is no one way to go about this, and people posting here have met in all kinds of different ways. Anybody who says they have the one true recipe is delusional. Two things I seldom see written on VJ:

1) I spent zero face time with my SO during the process. It was a mistake. Had I visited and really got to know my SO better, this could all have been different.

2) I visited my SO 27 times during our K-1/K-3 process. It was a mistake. We are such a great match, we could have done 100% of our relationship on skype. All my time spent was a waste.

Generally, folks who met in person and spent time will say it is important, folks who didn't say it isn't. Couples who are happily married maintain they did it right, those who split up claim they did everything right. I am happily married, spent lots of time (considering the distance) with my wife during our K-1. I am happy I did, she is happy too. I am right I also try not to take all of this too seriously. I am right about that too.

[baron555 934]

Nothing directed at your post Brad. Congrats again to you guys!!

What I was posting about was the OP and the attempted correlation (?) between face-time and the two didn't really know each other and dissent amongst USC/FSU relationships.

My limited experience (notice the qualifier) is that those with issues have nothing to do with face-time but the quality of the communication during the relationship.

Of course, I personally was all set to visit my wife again in Russia but she insisted that I save the vacation time for when they got here rather than to visit her again.....the basis was that we felt the quality and content of our continued communications was good. It apparently was since we are still happily married and the 5 year old has a nice life.

I just don't put much faith into these "cultural differences" and other mumbo jumbo as the cause of dissent between new couples.....all of the issue are "normal" issues everyone, even all USC marriages face.

From my readings the suggested minimum meetings in person is two, with at least one with their family and friends. What I don't see much talk about is the quality and content of the communication....for some, obviously, it is not so automatic as it is with others....you two included.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Nothing directed at your post Brad. Congrats again to you guys!!

What I was posting about was the OP and the attempted correlation (?) between face-time and the two didn't really know each other and dissent amongst USC/FSU relationships.

My limited experience (notice the qualifier) is that those with issues have nothing to do with face-time but the quality of the communication during the relationship.

Of course, I personally was all set to visit my wife again in Russia but she insisted that I save the vacation time for when they got here rather than to visit her again.....the basis was that we felt the quality and content of our continued communications was good. It apparently was since we are still happily married and the 5 year old has a nice life.

I just don't put much faith into these "cultural differences" and other mumbo jumbo as the cause of dissent between new couples.....all of the issue are "normal" issues everyone, even all USC marriages face.

From my readings the suggested minimum meetings in person is two, with at least one with their family and friends. What I don't see much talk about is the quality and content of the communication....for some, obviously, it is not so automatic as it is with others....you two included.

Thanks for clarifying, and no offense taken at all. I hope I didn't give any. The important thing in my mind also is getting to know your SO before you exchange rings. However that is accomplished, the familiarity needs to be there. I don't think you must do all of that in person, but it helps if you can spend time together physically too.

Most USCs wouldn't dream of marrying some one from America they haven't met, but some believe that the geography is some kind of magic bullet imo. How many men have we read about in this forum alone who start sending money to some one they haven't met, to avert some disaster, say? How many of those guys are married happily? How many could have dodged a bullet by trying to get into their SOs life in person - discovering perhaps that her mother was perfectly healthy, or her live-in boyfriend had no idea that she planned to leave for America?

Like you, I have corresponded and spoken with a bunch of people that married non-USCs. Even met a few VJers from time to time. Honestly, a fair number of them that spent significant face time pre K-1/K-3 have relationship issues too. Some of the Vjers that met playing online games seem to be doing fine together, even though the majority of their communication was online before they exchanged a promise, or a handshake. Most of the happy (emphasis here) couples seem to have really undertaken to get to know each other well - in a variety of ways.

Sorry for the rant. I want to acknowledge again that what we are calling face time with your SO does not necessarily equate to familiarity with your SO in my mind. In many cases it could help early on imo. I think cultural differences are a part of that familiarity mix too, along with gender, age, religion, and so on. Maybe Phil, we were both just lucky

[baron555 934]

Maybe Phil, we were both just lucky

Luck increases with hard work. Both Alla and I worked hard at our communications and kept asking and answering (honestly) those "hard" questions during our communications. We both are adept at that AND at using the various modern medium available.

As you state, and me also, simple face-time alone is not the qualifier (that the OP referred to). It's really the content and quality of the communications that is key. I'm sure if the OP were to examine those relationships that are having issues, it wasn't the getting to know you better with face-time that is the key to their issues, but that the quality and content of their communications was not up to par. As I have stated, some of the couples that I know of personally that would fall into the having issues category, met each other numerous times.....I just know, from knowing them personally, that they did not have the required communication then that could have staved off the current "issues". In one case, I am sure the woman would have not agreed to move here, the other, the woman is very head-strong and had predicted such issues and has a Plan B available. But also in both, they are still together...which is a testament to their fortitude and commitment.

[slim 1,525]

I don't think it really matters. Either you get along well or you don't.

You're going to have issues at first, issues in the middle, and issues down the road. You can deal with those issues or you can make a big deal of it. Either way, it's no different with someone brand new or someone you've known your whole life. What it really comes down to is you and that other person.

I honestly think I'd do just as well with a brand new chick. I'm laid back and easy going. I can figure out just about any situation and be happy in it. I also honestly think my wife would have issues with whomever she lives with. She's crazy and everyone drives her bonkers.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I see a lot of problems in RUB marriages occur because the partners didn't know each other and had little face time before marrying or becoming engaged. I visited Tanya 5 or 6 times in quick succession before we got engaged. I am curious about what others did as well.

Good question. I think the success of a marriage depends on the two people and not much else. If you are commited to each other and willing to handle life's ups and downs and the challenges of a foreign spouse ( and there are many) Patience and commitment are #1

That said...

I met Alla by chance, so if that counts, that is meeting number 1 but of course we did not have marrioage in mind at the moment and I did not meet her for that purpose and neither of us were looking for marriage at the point. We met initially in Prague, so it was not even her home country. We met two more times, once in Odessa, once in Kiev (Alla traveled for work a lot) before getting engaged and 6 times during the process of the visa which for us was almost exactly 5 months from filing until visa issuance. 6 months until she arrived. So about every 3-4 weeks I was going to Ukraine, bringing back "stuff" in empty suitcases and shipping "stuff" such as books on each trip. All of those trips were to her home city, Donetsk. I did go to her visa interview. I did not go to bring her back (by that time we had most of her stuff here anyway and she had a non-stop flight)

So far our arriage is happy but I do no think my visits have anything to do with it. I think making your spouse and family number 1 are more important.

Visit all you can! Why not?

[Neonred 3,562]

I honestly think I'd do just as well with a brand new chick. I'm laid back and easy going. I can figure out just about any situation and be happy in it. I also honestly think my wife would have issues with whomever she lives with. She's crazy and everyone drives her bonkers.

Exactly the same here.

[southernman 29]

I pretty much agree with all of these opinions but I think you need 3 things to really make any relationship work. Communication,commitment and lots of luck no matter how many time you visit.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I see a lot of problems in RUB marriages occur because the partners didn't know each other and had little face time before marrying or becoming engaged. I visited Tanya 5 or 6 times in quick succession before we got engaged. I am curious about what others did as well.

Not knowing someone well guarantees more surprises about their personality, etc. when you do live with them. Visiting before hand is of limited value IMO. You are not in "real life" situations. It is a honeymoon, a vacation. 6 days in a sexual wonderland. So what? You didn't have to clean the toilets go to school, pay for dental work, go to work 14 hours, drive her to everywhere she needs to go, teach her driving after you have taken her everywhere, take off your shoes, put the milk in the refrigerator (she takes it back out)...

IF you are willing to commit to each other, no matter what (sickness and health, richer and poorer, all that stuff) you will be fine. If you are going to bail out because you find all your pots and pans in the refrigerator and the milk on the counter and you didn't know she did that...yeah, then your marriage is going to fail.

I pretty much agree with all of these opinions but I think you need 3 things to really make any relationship work. Communication,commitment and lots of luck no matter how many time you visit.

Lots of commitment

little communication

make your own luck