Mrs. T-B. & the Citizenship Test

[TBoneTX 45,591]

I want to know which brand o mp-3 player Mrs. Bone is using to listen to the questions that Mr. Bone transferred from the CD.

I didn't pay attention to the brand, but she put them on there herself! The following dialogue ensued while Mrs. T-B. was engrossed on Facebook:

T-B.: You'd sure better study for your ciudadania [citizenship] test. This is no laughing matter!

Mrs. T-B.: How do you spell "suck"?

T-B.: What... why? Does the test all of a sudden suck?

Mrs. T-B.: One of my friends has a baby that she's trying to break from chuchitos [breast-feeding].

T-B.: Esse ooo say kah [s u c k].

Mrs. T-B.: And what's the word for when you get the baby to quit sucking?

T-B.: To some extent, babies always suck, but they can be forgiven because they're so cute.

Mrs. T-B.: What's the word for how you get them to quit sucking?

T-B.: Wean -- doble-vay ay ah enne.

Mrs. T-B.: "Weent. Weend." I know the first 5 pages -- ask me!

T-B.: "How many U.S. Senators are there?"

Mrs. T-B.: 100!

T-B.: Good! "Who does a U.S. Senator represent?"

Mrs. T-B.: [blank silence]

T-B. [helpfully]: If there are two Senators per state, who would they represent?

Mrs. T-B. [excitedly]: Every other person!

T-B. [to self]:

Mrs. T-B. [looking semi-forlorn] That's not right?

T-B.: I'm not paying another $6,800 for you to retake this if you flunk it! That would mean no more shopping.

[Mrs. T-B. looks terrified and disappears]

Later:

[sounds of person talking to self and uttering mild oaths in Spanish]

T-B. [going to other room]: What are you doing?

Mrs. T-B.: I put the questions on the MP3!

T-B.: In English or Spanish?

Mrs. T-B.: In English. That way I can learn while I learn. I can listen to them while Mini-Bone is playing.

T-B.: Let's hear them.

Mrs. T-B.: I don't want you to hear them. Help me pronounce this [shows T-B. "World War II"].

T-B.: You try it.

Mrs. T-B.: Wort Warld Two. Word Warth Two.

T-B.: Watch my lips and tongue: "Worrrlllld Warrrr Two."

Mrs. T-B. [looking carefully]: Whirllllll Warrrrrrm Two.

T-B.: Close enough, or you could say "Double-you double-you two."

Mrs. T-B.: I don't want to say that. I bought you cheap. [see earlier post]

T-B.: I know; I ate them already.

Mrs. T-B.: You didn't save me cheap?

T-B.: No, and marriage isn't cheap, either, when you go shopping. We have the cheese-flavored croutons, though.

Mrs. T-B.: I don't like them.

T-B.: I need to buy ice cream tomorrow, badly.

Mrs. T-B.: Please don't -- I'm on a diet. Chocolate? [makes slurping sound]

T-B. [in mock disgust]: What do YOU think?

Mrs. T-B.: Slurrrrrrrrrp! But don't buy me Cheetos -- I'm on a diet. [flashes puppy-dog eyes] Just one small bag.

T-B. [to self]:

Edited June 6, 2014 by TBoneTX

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

I didn't pay attention to the brand, but she put them on there herself! The following dialogue ensued while Mrs. T-B. was engrossed on Facebook:

T-B.: You'd sure better study for your ciudadania [citizenship] test. This is no laughing matter!

Even if one of the subjects is Bob Hope?

Mrs. T-B.: How do you spell "suck"?

B.I.L.L.S.

T-B.: What... why? Does the test all of a sudden suck?

It was vacuum packed?

Mrs. T-B.: One of my friends has a baby that she's trying to break from chuchitos [breast-feeding].

When does he graduate from college?

T-B.: Esse ooo say kah [s u c k].

Mrs. T-B.: And what's the word for when you get the baby to quit sucking?

Senescence

T-B.: To some extent, babies always suck, but they can be forgiven because they're so cute.

Or look like Tom Brady.

Mrs. T-B.: What's the word for how you get them to quit sucking?

Divorce

T-B.: Wean -- doble-vay ay ah enne.

So one no longer sucks is a Weaner?

Mrs. T-B.: "Weent. Weend." I know the first 5 pages -- ask me!

T-B.: "How many U.S. Senators are there?"

Do the walking dead count?

Mrs. T-B.: 100!

T-B.: Good! "Who does a U.S. Senator represent?"

Anyone but the people.

Mrs. T-B.: [blank silence]

Silence is golden.

T-B. [helpfully]: If there are two Senators per state, who would they represent?

Mrs. T-B. [excitedly]: Every other person!

Corporations are people, too.

T-B.:

Mrs. T-B. [looking semi-forlorn] That's not right?

No, the Senate is controlled by the Democrats.

T-B.: I'm not paying another $6,800 for you to retake this if you flunk it! That would mean no more shopping.

Monster!

[Mrs. T-B. looks terrified and disappears]

She's mastered invisibility? No see man!

Later:

[sounds of person talking to self and uttering mild oaths in Spanish]

Fortunately no f-bombs were dropped during the utterances ineffable.

T-B. [going to other room]: What are you doing?

Mrs. T-B.: I put the questions on the MP3!

T-B.: In English or Spanish?

Mrs. T-B.: In English. That way I can learn while I learn. I can listen to them while Mini-Bone is playing.

T-B.: Let's hear them.

Mrs. T-B.: I don't want you to hear them. Help me pronounce this [shows T-B. "World War II"].

T-B.: You try it.

Mrs. T-B.: Wort Warld Two. Word Warth Two.

T-B.: Watch my lips and tongue: "Worrrlllld Warrrr Two."

Mrs. T-B. [looking carefully]: Whirllllll Warrrrrrm Two.

T-B.: Close enough, or you could say "Double-you double-you two."

Silly Texan, that's "Dubya Dubya Too."

Mrs. T-B.: I don't want to say that. I bought you cheap. [see page 4, post #52]

I'm too frugal to do that.

T-B.: I know; I ate them already.

As long as it's not Buffalo cheap.

Mrs. T-B.: You didn't save me cheap?

Sorry, he already changed Mini-Bone's diaper.

T-B.: No, and marriage isn't cheap, either, when you go shopping. True, divorce lawyers are expensive. We have the cheese-flavored croutons, though. We don't use the word croutons anymore, we call them mentally challenged.

Mrs. T-B.: I don't like them.

T-B.: I need to buy ice cream tomorrow, badly.

Mrs. T-B.: Please don't -- I'm on a diet. Chocolate? [makes slurping sound]

T-B. [in mock disgust]: What do YOU think?

The four words that no married man should utter.

Mrs. T-B.: Slurrrrrrrrrp! But don't buy me Cheetos -- I'm on a diet. [flashes puppy-dog eyes] Just one small bag.

It's only cheetoing if you get caught.

T-B.:

So if Mrs. T-B was engrossed on Facebook does that mean she was Face-planted? LCD, man!

[Ban Hammer 13,429]

I didn't pay attention to the brand, but she put them on there herself! The following dialogue ensued while Mrs. T-B. was engrossed on Facebook:

does she play mafia wars?

[Mr. Borkström 63]

Goodness gracious this thread is pure comedy gold.

[TBoneTX 45,591]

Goodness gracious this thread is pure comedy gold.

Thank you, si man. Actually, the line that should be enshrined in the pantheon of all-time VJ posts was by Cinco, in-line above: "[sounds of person talking to self and uttering mild oaths in Spanish] Fortunately no f-bombs were dropped during the utterances ineffable." Pure brilliance, IQ man -- he deserves a High Five, cinco man.

Mrs. T-B. now has a cold and is doing her usual rapid-fire girl-sneezes, snee snee snee snee snee snee man. I, conversely, gave one mongo man-sneeze and shot snot -- from both mouth and nose -- all over the citizenship book, see man. Attempting to off-wipe it merely smeared the mucoid output all over the questions on the double-page spread, yuck man. Let us hope that the interviewer doesn't pick questions from that section, si man, because Mrs. T-B. will never refer to them again in print, no man.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Thank you, si man. Actually, the line that should be enshrined in the pantheon of all-time VJ posts was by Cinco, in-line above: "[sounds of person talking to self and uttering mild oaths in Spanish] Fortunately no f-bombs were dropped during the utterances ineffable." Pure brilliance, IQ man -- he deserves a High Five, cinco man.

I'm speechless, truly humbled, but you put me to shame, TBone.

Mrs. T-B. now has a cold and is doing her usual rapid-fire girl-sneezes, snee snee snee snee snee snee man. I, conversely, gave one mongo man-sneeze and shot snot -- from both mouth and nose -- all over the citizenship book, see man. Attempting to off-wipe it merely smeared the mucoid output all over the questions on the double-page spread, yuck man. Usually a man leaves another kind of deposit on a double-page spread, si man! Let us hope that the interviewer doesn't pick questions from that section, si man, because Mrs. T-B. will never refer to them again in print, no man. If the interviewer picks his nose, then she might, snee man.

I truly hope Mrs. T-B gets well soon and I hope you remembered to give her Chocolate ice cream and Cheetos.

[TBoneTX 45,591]

I'm speechless, truly humbled, but you put me to shame, TBone.

Thankee, man. Your opportunistic humor is worthy of the utmost respect, see man.

I truly hope Mrs. T-B gets well soon and I hope you remembered to give her Chocolate ice cream and Cheetos.

She has not partaken of the ice cream yet; a snack mix and Cheetos were provided; I have doped her up on a cold-pill at her request. It is hoped that she and Mini-Bone (recovering from his own cold) will sleep through the night, zzz man.

[Andy and Pui 16]

I'm speechless, truly humbled, but you put me to shame, TBone.

I truly hope Mrs. T-B gets well soon and I hope you remembered to give her Chocolate ice cream and Cheetos.

This is great thread. I hope everybody is feeling better.

[TBoneTX 45,591]

(On Thanksgiving-weekend road trip)

T-B.: How much have you been studying for your citizenship exam?

Mrs. T-B.: Every day.

T-B.: Who's the governor of our state?

Mrs. T-B. [after thought]: Perry.

T-B.: Ellis?

Mrs. T-B.: Don't say that -- you'll confuse me. Perry. Rick. [pause] Is his middle name Ellis?

T-B. [to self]:

(Still on road trip)

Mini-Bone [22 months old, in car seat]: (Whine)

Mrs. T-B.: He's getting bored.

T-B.: I'll fix that. Son, repeat after me.

Mini-B.: Me.

T-B.: Besa [Kiss...]

Mini-B.: Bay?

T-B.: Mi [my...]

Mini-B.: Meeeeeeeeeee!

Mrs. T-B.: Don't you dare!

T-B. [using selective hearing]: Culo! [hindquarters!]

Mini-B.: Cooyo!

T-B.: Bravo! Whee!

Mini-B.: Whee!

Mrs. T-B.: I don't want him learning that!

T-B.: Well, you said that you want him to learn Spanish, right?

Mrs. T-B.: But...

T-B.: And we're doing some father/son bonding like you wanted, right?

Mrs. T-B.: But...

T-B.: So I'm teaching him crucial vocabulary that he can use all his life! Try it again, son! Mi...

Mini-B.: Meeeeeeeeee!

T-B.: Culo!

Mini-B.: Cooyo!

Mrs. T-B. [on T-B.]:

(At home, upon return)

Mrs. T-B.: Ask me a question!

T-B.: "How many representatives serve in the House?"

Mrs. T-B.: Whose house?

T-B.: The U.S. House of Representatives.

Mrs. T-B.: Oh -- 347.

T-B.: Well, that's probably the number who aren't on vacation or are lost in space.

Mrs. T-B.: Do they fly in the spaceships?

T-B. [to self]:

[TBoneTX 45,591]

that 'book' is downloadable, si mon.

So is the output of sneezes, snot man.

Tonight's saga:

Mrs. T-B.: I weigh a hundred *****-***** pounds [censored by VJ]. I am officially on a diet. Buy me no more Cheetos! No more, ever!

T-B.: Have you been studying your test?

Mrs. T-B.: Si. Ask me anything!

T-B.: "What are two rights in the Declaration of Independence?"

Mrs. T-B. [after long pause]: Religion, dissembly...

T-B.: No, no -- in the Declaration of Independence.

Mrs. T-B. [long pause]: Ask me a different one.

T-B.: I can see that this will be a long night. [Goes to get chocolate ice cream.] Because you're on a diet, this is all for me, thank you.

T-B. [with ice cream container on lap, & after several bites]: "Who is one of your state's U.S. Senators now?"

Mrs. T-B. [going to kitchen]: Pedro Olson?

T-B.: No, no -- Senator. "Name your U.S. Representative."

Mrs. T-B. [returning with coffee mug & large spoon]: I don't know.

T-B.: You just said it.

Mrs. T-B.: Olson?

T-B.: Si. [Mrs. T-B. helps self to two huge clumps of ice cream]

T-B. [ignoring the ignoring of diet]: "What is the name of the Vice-President of the U.S. now?"

Mrs. T-B. [between slurps]: Beeden. Biden.

T-B.: Si. "What is the capital of your state?"

Mrs. T-B.: Washington, DC.

T-B.: Of your state!

Mrs. T-B. [between slurps]: Oh -- Austin.

T-B.: "Some powers belong to the Federal government. What is one power of the Federal government?"

Mrs. T-B. [between slurps]: To declare war on... on schooling and education.

T-B. [rolling eyes]: Just "to declare war" is good enough. [Mrs. T-B. helps self to 99.44% of remaining ice cream.]

T-B. [anxiously eyeing disappearance of ice cream]: "Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?"

Mrs. T-B.: John F.K. John Jay. Not right? [slurp]

T-B.: Thomas Jefferson and Perry Ellis. Calvin Klein helped.

Mrs. T-B.: He did? Don't you have any more ice cream?

T-B.: Not now, thanks a lot. "What happened at the Constitutional Convention?"

Mrs. T-B. [scraping last molecules of ice cream from container]: They ate all the ice cream, and no one bought any more.

T-B. [to self[:

[TBoneTX 45,591]

[T-B. staggers home late on Friday after a long week. Mrs. T-B. is on the bed as Mini-Bone watches a video. T-B. flops exhaustedly on bed.]

Mrs. T-B.: Cariño [sweetheart]! Where were you? I was worried!

T-B. [wearily]: I told you last night and this morning that I'd be late tonight. I was with the rubias [imaginary harem of 6 blondes].

Mrs. T-B.: Oh, that's right. Ask me anything!

T-B. [wearily, from memory]: "What is the supreme law of the land?"

Mrs. T-B.: The Constitution!

T-B.: You got one. "What are two rights in the Declaration of Independence?"

Mrs. T-B.: Religion.

T-B.: The Declaration, Cariño.

Mrs. T-B. [weakly, after medium pause]: Livery.

T-B.: "Liberty," Cariño. What's another? You need two.

Mrs. T-B. [after pause]: De sloot of happiness.

T-B. [to self] "Name your Congressman."

Mrs. T-B.: What the hell?

T-B. [hastily]: "Name your U.S. Representative." [silence]

T-B.: Pete Olson.

Mrs. T-B.: I knew that. I just didn't say it.

T-B. [to self]: "Who is one of your state's U.S. Senators now?" [blank look from Mrs. T-B.]

T-B.: It would be easier to say "Ted Cruz -- he was just elected."

Mrs. T-B.: That would be easy -- I remember seeing the propaganda on him. But who are the real ones?

T-B.: We practiced "John Cornyn" several times. And no way you'd remember "Kay Bailey Hutchison."

Mrs. T-B.: Why can't they have real names?

T-B.: LIke "Rafael Correa" [president of Ecuador]?

Mrs. T-B.: Si. Ask me another.

T-B.: "When was the Constitution written?"

Mrs. T-B. [confidently]: 1776.

T-B. [to self]: The Constitution, Cariño.

Mrs. T-B.: Wait, wait -- I know this. 17... 87?

T-B.: You got one, but they probably won't give you a second shot. "Name one war fought by the U.S. in the 1800s."

Mrs. T-B. [confidently]: The Wart of 1512.

T-B. [to self]: :bonk: Eighteen twelve, Cariño.

Mrs. T-B.: That's what I meant. What's another?

T-B.: "Name one war fought by the U.S. in the 1900s."

Mrs. T-B.: El Gulfo Persico.

T-B.: Say what?

Mrs. T-B.: Gulfo Persico. What do you call it in English?

T-B. [wearily]: Just say "The Gulf War," Cariño.

Mrs. T-B. [imitating]: "The Cuff Wart."

T-B. [to self]: :bonk: :bonk: "Who was President during the Great Depression?"

Mrs. T-B. [weakly]: Hovur.

T-B.: "Hovur?" Do you mean "Herbert Hoover"?

Mrs. T-B.: Who?

T-B.: Herbert... forget it. The answer they want is "Franklin Roosevelt."

Mrs. T-B. [disbelievingly]: It isn't "Roosterberg"?

T-B.: No, Cariño. Look -- I've asked you 9 questions and you've missed 8 of them. If you miss 5, you're toast.

Mrs. T-B.: They'll send me back to Ecuador?

T-B.: No, and I won't even get to spend more time with the rubias. But I'm not going to pay another $68,000!

Mrs. T-B. [looking pouty]: Ask me another.

T-B.: "Name THREE states that border Mexico."

Mrs. T-B.: Texas, Nuevo Mejico, and Arizona."

T-B.: "Name THREE states that border Canada."

Mrs. T-B.: Nueva York, Washington, and... and... I don't know.

T-B.: Fifteen billion states border Canada, Cariño. "Name 3 of the original 13 states."

Mrs. T-B. [quickly]: New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut.

T-B.: Well... you got one! Except you need to pronounce them "Nueva York," "Nueva Hersey," and...

Mrs. T-B.: Connect-i-cut.

T-B.: Amazing.

Mrs. T-B.: I will pass the test.

T-B.: Cariño, you have 11 days, and you're missing more than ever. I'm NOT paying another $68 million for you to screw up.

Mrs. T-B.: Did you buy a Powerball ticket? Did we win?

T-B. [to self]: :bonk: :bonk: :bonk: :bonk:

Edited December 1, 2012 by TBoneTX

[Bumbero 130]

So awesome! Thanks for the laugh!

[TBoneTX 45,591]

So awesome! Thanks for the laugh!

Si, man. Not so laughable if she flunks the stinkin' test, no man, thus costing me another $68 billion to reapply, ufff man!

[hikergirl 277]

Si, man. Not so laughable if she flunks the stinkin' test, no man, thus costing me another $68 billion to reapply, ufff man!

I think she was just hungry because there was no more Cheetos and Ice Cream...

[Darnell 8,478]

ok- no more junk food in the house.

Tell her if she wants some, to show her citizenship papers to the clerk at the Kroger