Mother vehemently opposed to boyfriend/relationship.

[evelyn1140 18]

I am a 27 year old Canadian female. My boyfriend is an American citizen, and we met online in October 2009. We became friends over time, and met in person for the first time this year, and became a couple shortly afterwards.

My boyfriend is 31 years old. He has had a tough life, with addictions, got his GED in his late 20s... and is now in college, with aspirations of being a substance abuse therapist. His BIG DREAM is to eventually establish a business devote to helping me with their own addictions.

My mom, who is Chinese, is vehemently opposed to our relationship. I mention she is Chinese because it seems the Chinese culture is understandably effecting her views on him and our relationship. My boyfriend has a part-time job; my mother would only be happy for me to have a partner who has a high-status, well-paying permanent job.

My boyfriend is coming to visit with his father, and my mother does not have any interest in meeting them, nor does she want any involvement with anything pertaining to the relationship. My dad also does not approve of him. I live with my parents but am not at all close with either of them. We are quite distant as it gets.

After telling her today that they were coming to visit, my mother tells me that she has not told other family members about him to save face. It would humiliate her for others to know about him, that her daughter is with a man who doesn't have a "professional" job. She wants nothing to do with him and says that she suffers because I'm in a relationship with him. That she would rather die than continue to live. That she wished she didn't have me. That she will not be able to sleep tonight, and that her blood pressure will get really high, and that she will probably collapse.

And understandably, this is having quite a strain on my relationship. We do want to get engaged soon, apply for (and hopefully get!) the fiancée visa, get married. I believe he was going to propose during his visit her, but now we think it might not be a good idea. But how long is long enough to wait? My mother says she will never accept him our or relationship. I believe it.

I don't know what to do. I feel so unwelcome here and think it is probably time to move out, and hope that someday, my parents (especially my mother) will not feel ashamed of her daughter.

My mother also did not approve of one of my cousins' partners (then fiance, now husband) a few years ago because he didn't have a high-status, well-paying permanent job, which she thinks any partner of mine should have. They did get married (she refused to attend) and she did not talk to this cousin for a while. They do talk now, and she seems okay with my cousin's husband, although she told me today that she is not over it. Being her daughter, it might be tougher for her to overcome, and I don't know that she ever will. I don't want to hurt her or my family, but I also love my boyfriend deeply...

So maybe moving out is the best way to go... and hope that they'll at least want to stay in touch with me.

Any thoughts or similar stories?

it is your life not your mother, you might listen to her but you don't have to follow thru. Do as your heart tells you.

[notmuch88tosay 21]

When an old horse starts to suffer like this, the humane thing to do is shoot them.

So you think it's funny to tell this girl her mother is like an old Horse that she should shoot?

What are you a brainless caveman?

notmuch88tosay

[Mike B. 231]

"saving face" is an Asian thing. It's all about image image image and they expect the West to take things at face value like most Asians would.

China blatantly lies about many things, the Beijing Olympics included. Japan lied about the level of radiation from the destroyed nuclear plants, and still lies about their "research whaling". Malaysia's Prime Minister spends billions of dollars funding international advertising companies to upkeep his global image when his own citizens know he's a liar. These are only some of the examples that I am aware of.

Thank God the government of the United States would never lie to anyone!

[dukeandduchess 141]

This is something you need to decide for yourself.

I would encourage you to slow down for a while, and make sure your boyfriend's recovery is an actual life change - as other members have noted. This is a long and stressful process, which doesn't always bring out the best in people. I have someone in my family who is an addict and probably always will be - even when he's sober. Be careful, and always keep your happiness and health at the top of your list of priorities.

[Ryan H 3,834]

Moved from K1 Process & Procedures to Off Topic; topic is about a personal set of circumstances and not about any immigration process.

[X Factor 1,112]

it is your life not your mother, you might listen to her but you don't have to follow thru. Do as your heart tells you.

A heart can be misleading - just saying

[Shenzhen 34]

Thank God the government of the United States would never lie to anyone!

Sorry off topic

IRAQ WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION? LOL NO the USA never lies to it's people.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Shenzhen

[abner137 48]

If it's meant to be you will know, maybe you already do. I went through a similar situation when I first became serious with my fiancee, her father questioned her about me of course and she told the truth of course. After he saw me(and my hundreds of hours of tattoo's)he forbid her to talk to me again and she listened to him. She was so upset she never even told me what had happened, just no answer on the phone or internet. After about a week she contacted me and said she couldn't not love me because he told her not to. She told her parents she would continue our relationship without their blessing if need be.

They didn't put up much of a fight and probably thought it would pass, but as time went on they could see that we truly cared for one another and they accepted it, now we all get along very well...beside my super slang english.... or nosebleed as they say.....

Her father and I get along especially well.

It's your life and if your grown you can make your own decisions, they will respect that eventually no matter how it turns out.

Good Luck!

[X Factor 1,112]

If it's meant to be you will know, maybe you already do. I went through a similar situation when I first became serious with my fiancee, her father questioned her about me of course and she told the truth of course. After he saw me(and my hundreds of hours of tattoo's)he forbid her to talk to me again and she listened to him. She was so upset she never even told me what had happened, just no answer on the phone or internet. After about a week she contacted me and said she couldn't not love me because he told her not to. She told her parents she would continue our relationship without their blessing if need be.

They didn't put up much of a fight and probably thought it would pass, but as time went on they could see that we truly cared for one another and they accepted it, now we all get along very well...beside my super slang english.... or nosebleed as they say.....

Her father and I get along especially well.

It's your life and if your grown you can make your own decisions, they will respect that eventually no matter how it turns out.

Good Luck!

Glad it worked out buddy

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Sometimes it can be tough to be a westernized daughter of Chinese parents. My sister in law is Chinese. She and my brother met in University and became engaged. She went on to get her master's degree while he became a teacher. They planned to marry when she graduated. Her parents were still in Hong Kong, although she had a brother who had already immigrated to Canada. My brother initiated the immigration paperwork (this is when Canada still had a fiance visa). She told her parents about the engagement and their planned wedding date. Her parents were appalled and said 'absolutely not' for two reasons: my brother is not Chinese, and my brother is 'only a teacher'. They too held out high hopes for their daughter to marry someone who was in a prestigious well paying job who would provide her with a good life and provide them with status. My soon to be sister in law held firm in her commitment to marry my brother. Finally, several months before the wedding they told her that if she married without their permission, they would disown her. It was very hard on her but she made an adult decision. She continued on with her engagement, continued to keep the lines of communication open with her parents, but refused to give in to their demands. It did come down to the wire - a few weeks before the wedding they realized that they were likely to 'lose' their daughter, and because they loved her, they did not want that to happen. They very reluctantly agreed to come to Canada and meet my brother and parents and 'perhaps' stay for a wedding if it still took place.

They did come to Canada. They did meet my brother and my family. What happened next is wonderful. Fully expecting that there would be great cultural clashes and problems, they found when they met our family that they were not going to 'lose' a daughter - rather they were gaining a whole new family. Her mother and my mother discovered in each other women of similar values and interests. Her father and my father found much to talk about, and they realized how much their daughter was already loved by my family. They came, expecting to disapprove and hoping they could convince their daughter to change her mind, and instead, found themselves caught up in the marriage plans and became willing 'partners' in creating a ceremony that combined both the Chinese and Canadian cultural heritages.

My brother and his wife celebrate their 24th wedding anniversary this month. The families became and remained best of friends, often visiting - not only the parents but all of my sister-in-law's sisters and her brother's family as well. Her family finally immigrated to Canada as well sponsored by her brother. Now, my sister in law's father is the only parent left alive but he and his whole family came to my Dad's Memorial Service this past June.

Change is hard on many people, and when you throw in the expectations from different cultures, it can become even more so. While your mother may not come around to your fiance, she may. She loves you and wants what is best for you. She is afraid that this relationship is not best for you. Ultimately, she wants to know you will be happy. Only you can know if this is the right man for you, but if he is, you are the one who has to live with whatever decision you make. If you decide to marry him, continue to respect your parents and keep the door open for them. Find ways to reassure them that this is a good decision for you, even if it is not the one that they want for you. Approach it as an adult and perhaps, in time, you might find your relationship as supported by your parents as my sister-in-laws is by hers.

Edited August 10, 2012 by Kathryn41

[justashooter 430]

you must be a twinkie (bananna) to refuse a cultural imperative. your mother is not only looking out for her future, but also for yours.

men come in two kinds. there are providers, and there are consumers. this is true in china, canada, and USA. the guy you are dealing with now has been a consumer of a problematic type for 10 years. what makes you think he is going to change now? trust me, he will lean on you for the rest of your life if you let him, and your mother will not get her "salary" as a result. there are lots of men out there with good character. how about respecting yourself enuf to acknowledge that you deserve one?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Maybe your mother's approach lacks tact, but she means well. Given that you are still living at home, it's understandable to me that your mother would be a bit overprotective of you, regardless of culture. She just doesn't want you to end up with some soul-sucking bum. Everyone brings their own baggage to a relationship, and perhaps your BF has overcome his demons, but he does have a troubled past that's likely to resurface throughout a long term relationship. IMO, you should move out of your parent's home and live on your own (no live-in BF) for at least 6 months before making any life long decision. Your mother will treat you differently and you will have a different perspective.

[pushbrk 13,116]

Maybe your mother's approach lacks tact, but she means well. Given that you are still living at home, it's understandable to me that your mother would be a bit overprotective of you, regardless of culture. She just doesn't want you to end up with some soul-sucking bum. Everyone brings their own baggage to a relationship, and perhaps your BF has overcome his demons, but he does have a troubled past that's likely to resurface throughout a long term relationship. IMO, you should move out of your parent's home and live on your own (no live-in BF) for at least 6 months before making any life long decision. Your mother will treat you differently and you will have a different perspective.

Since this is now in "Off Topic" where advice like the above is appropriate, I concur. Though I loved Kathryn's tale, the OP is still living at home with parents. Until she's out on her own taking responsibility for herself, support and otherwise, she's ill equipped, experience wise, to be deciding to marry somebody who is not in a position to support her.

She would also be wise to consider whether she really wants to make life decisions that will likely mean she must abandon her filial responsibilities to her parents that are inherent in Chinese culture.

[abner137 48]

Glad it worked out buddy

you and me both.....thanks

[Darnell 8,479]

hey yakasushii - what's the current game plan?

no fair, coming in, asking for advice, and vanishing...