Mother vehemently opposed to boyfriend/relationship.

[HuklerYenny 21]

I am a 27 year old Canadian female. My boyfriend is an American citizen, and we met online in October 2009. We became friends over time, and met in person for the first time this year, and became a couple shortly afterwards.

My boyfriend is 31 years old. He has had a tough life, with addictions, got his GED in his late 20s... and is now in college, with aspirations of being a substance abuse therapist. His BIG DREAM is to eventually establish a business devote to helping me with their own addictions.

My mom, who is Chinese, is vehemently opposed to our relationship. I mention she is Chinese because it seems the Chinese culture is understandably effecting her views on him and our relationship. My boyfriend has a part-time job; my mother would only be happy for me to have a partner who has a high-status, well-paying permanent job.

My boyfriend is coming to visit with his father, and my mother does not have any interest in meeting them, nor does she want any involvement with anything pertaining to the relationship. My dad also does not approve of him. I live with my parents but am not at all close with either of them. We are quite distant as it gets.

After telling her today that they were coming to visit, my mother tells me that she has not told other family members about him to save face. It would humiliate her for others to know about him, that her daughter is with a man who doesn't have a "professional" job. She wants nothing to do with him and says that she suffers because I'm in a relationship with him. That she would rather die than continue to live. That she wished she didn't have me. That she will not be able to sleep tonight, and that her blood pressure will get really high, and that she will probably collapse.

And understandably, this is having quite a strain on my relationship. We do want to get engaged soon, apply for (and hopefully get!) the fiancée visa, get married. I believe he was going to propose during his visit her, but now we think it might not be a good idea. But how long is long enough to wait? My mother says she will never accept him our or relationship. I believe it.

I don't know what to do. I feel so unwelcome here and think it is probably time to move out, and hope that someday, my parents (especially my mother) will not feel ashamed of her daughter.

My mother also did not approve of one of my cousins' partners (then fiance, now husband) a few years ago because he didn't have a high-status, well-paying permanent job, which she thinks any partner of mine should have. They did get married (she refused to attend) and she did not talk to this cousin for a while. They do talk now, and she seems okay with my cousin's husband, although she told me today that she is not over it. Being her daughter, it might be tougher for her to overcome, and I don't know that she ever will. I don't want to hurt her or my family, but I also love my boyfriend deeply...

So maybe moving out is the best way to go... and hope that they'll at least want to stay in touch with me.

Any thoughts or similar stories?

Let's face it. If you're a grown and matureadult, you should have NOT still lived with your parents at your age. You should already have known what's right for your own life (like your own living space, and your lifelong lover/partner). No one knows what's gonna be the right answer for you but yourself. Move out on your own, take a gamble with him (your beloved boyfriend).

Then pray that he WILL LIVE WITH YOU FOR AS LONG AS YOU WISH. Often, parents have a lot more life experience and they see something down the line that the young, inexperienced children may not otherwise (yes, graduating college doesn't mean you've obtained the necessary life experience to be successful with your marriage life).

Your mom does care about you and has been trying to steer you into the right direction. You have the right to disagree and keep in mind that if you happen to fail in the future, she'll be ALWAYS your mom.

He, on the other hand, might leave you in the future. Blood is always thicker than water.

PS> You already made up your mind to pursuit your current boyfriend anyway. You would NEVER listen to anyone's advice/opinion, including your mom's.

Edited August 9, 2012 by HuklerYenny

[djricky4 67]

i hope what ever decision that is made, will turn out to be the best. good luck along the journey

[decocker 7,198]

It would seem that way to somebody not familiar with Chinese family culture, particularly in the one child era. What works with a Western Mom, is probably not going to work with a Chinese mom. Just speaking as the experienced husband of a Chinese Mom with a 23 year old Chinese only child daughter.

For myself, I wouldn't/didn't put up with that kind of ####### from my own mother but, alas, I'm not Chinese.

i understand that culturally speaking, this sort of behavior is expected. my point is that this sort of emotional manipulation can't be entertained if the relationship between mother and daughter is on track to be mutually beneficial and healthy - despite cultural premise. i am not familiar with chinese family culture, but i am familiar with conservative baptist fundamentalist family culture. i am definitely familiar with parental desire for saving face and strict control of the family 'unit'.

Edited August 9, 2012 by val erie

[akihon 129]

Let's face it. If you're a grown and mature adult, you should have NOT still lived with your parents at your age. You should already have known what's right for your own life (like your own living space, and your lifelong lover/partner). No one knows what's gonna be the right answer for you but yourself. Move out on your own, take a gamble with him (your beloved boyfriend).

spoken by someone who has absolutely no idea what it's like to have Asian parents.

Asian women, when unmarried, are expected to live with their parents until they are married. This was expected of me by my parents, and man the shitstorm that happened when I flat out said that living with them would only be a temporary arrangement and that I would find my own place.

Edited August 9, 2012 by mebbe

[pushbrk 13,116]

i understand that culturally speaking, this sort of behavior is expected. my point is that this sort of emotional manipulation can't be entertained if the relationship between mother and daughter is on track to be mutually beneficial and healthy - despite cultural premise. i am not familiar with chinese family culture, but i am familiar with conservative baptist fundamentalist family culture. i am definitely familiar with parental desire for saving face and strict control of the family 'unit'.

Actually, this kind of manipulation is common in a HAPPY Chinese family. All such things are relative. In this case, a Chinese daughter often adjusts, manages fine and the relationship, though DIFFERENT is healthy and happy. One reason is that the child understands and often even agrees with the need to save face.

[akihon 129]

"saving face" is an Asian thing. It's all about image image image and they expect the West to take things at face value like most Asians would.

China blatantly lies about many things, the Beijing Olympics included. Japan lied about the level of radiation from the destroyed nuclear plants, and still lies about their "research whaling". Malaysia's Prime Minister spends billions of dollars funding international advertising companies to upkeep his global image when his own citizens know he's a liar. These are only some of the examples that I am aware of.

I love my culture and heritage, but that doesn't mean I agree with everything that comes with it ... and I'm talking about this stupid emotional blackmail thing and the idea that all the parents have that they can treat their children like doormats just because they're the parents.

The OP has decided on her course of action. Let's just leave her to it and wish her the best of luck.

Edited August 9, 2012 by mebbe

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

Your mother just wants security for you. But it sounds like she's basing her decisions solely on the fact that he's only working part time. She doesn't want you to struggle. Parents of female children would like them to meet a financially stable man to take care of them. Or if not "take care of", at least be a contributing partner and not a bum. But the way she's going about it is very childish. Too much drama and not enough communication.

If her blessing is important to you, I would try to sit down and have a conversation with her about him. Is she aware that he's in college? If that doesn't work, choose between your parents and your boyfriend. It's as simple as that.

[HuklerYenny 21]

"saving face" is an Asian thing. It's all about image image image and they expect the West to take things at face value like most Asians would.

China blatantly lies about many things, the Beijing Olympics included. Japan lied about the level of radiation from the destroyed nuclear plants, and still lies about their "research whaling". Malaysia's Prime Minister spends billions of dollars funding international advertising companies to upkeep his global image when his own citizens know he's a liar. These are only some of the examples that I am aware of.

I love my culture and heritage, but that doesn't mean I agree with everything that comes with it ... and I'm talking about this stupid emotional blackmail thing and the idea that all the parents have that they can treat their children like doormats just because they're the parents.

The OP has decided on her course of action. Let's just leave her to it and wish her the best of luck.

I'm sure your parents once upon a time used to have the same feeling about their own parents........................til one day they grew older and obtained a lot more life experiences (the hard way).

Back to the OP's issue, let her experience her own life. Move out, get a job (a real one that pays enough money to pay ALL of her and/or his bills). If the two of them can "afford" life on their own, what's the problem here?

I'm just afraid the reality is much different. Her mom realized that "love" can't pay bills when they became due. And her concern is valid due to the boyfriend's past. I doubt she has any objection if the OP's lover is a doctor or an engineer that has no trouble living on his own. The OP's current lover can't even support himself. How can he support her (the OP)?

Edited August 9, 2012 by HuklerYenny

[akihon 129]

I'm sure your parents once upon a time used to have the same feeling about their own parents........................til one day they grew older and obtained a lot more life experiences (the hard way).

no they didn't. there is absolutely no reason that justifies walking all over your children with "I'm your mother/father/parent". that's all I'm going to say.

[HuklerYenny 21]

The OP lives in a Western country, not China. She's an adult and can legally move out on her own. If she chooses to live in someone else' house, then she needs to realize that she needs to live by someone else' rules.

When you can afford to pay your own bills (read: RESPONSIBILITY), then you can set up your own rules and play in whatever way you want.

When you don't have the guts and the means to do the above, then you're NOT ready for love. Period.

Because what comes after love is having children and that requires lots and lots and lots of responsibility and a heavy dose of reality.

[AmberOctober 25]

Looking back at my own relationships, I see that my Mom has always been right and wished what's best for me.

An addict? I would listen to Mom.

But, again, it's ME. Here it sounds like you've made your choice. Good luck.

[notmuch88tosay 21]

I would move out as soon as you can stand on your own two feet.

While living under your parents roof they have total control over you. When I lived at home, my father was a control freak who tried to control me with his outbursts of anger and using whatever other means manipulative means possible. Then when I moved out he kept saying, "when are you going to come visit us; we haven't seen you in awhile". He became as kind as a kitten.

I would also take the advice given here to get to know your fiancee very well before deciding to marry him. Most people never truly change during their lifetime; old habits, ways and people tend to convert people back to the way they were most of their life.

In regards to your mother, you can do this in the meantime, go online and find every news story you can about rich professional husbands gone bad, then email them to your mother or print them out and show them to her.

Here is one for starters:

"Doctor Husband Poisoned My Coffee, Wife Alleges" http://fxn.ws/O7jzmz

Best of luck,

notmuch88tosay

[rlogan 2,036]

says that she suffers because I'm in a relationship with him. That she would rather die than continue to live. That she wished she didn't have me. That she will not be able to sleep tonight, and that her blood pressure will get really high, and that she will probably collapse.

When an old horse starts to suffer like this, the humane thing to do is shoot them.

[Sandra G. 5,072]

I agree with bsd058. I couldn't say it better.In my opinion you should wait not to please your mother or wait to see your boyfriend making tons of money...nope, but to see what he will achieve after rehabilitation, he is just in the beginning after a battle against drug addiction.

Edited August 9, 2012 by sandranj

[Steve & Rema 4]

Dear yakasushii, I went through the same thing you are going through.

I started dating my fiance in February of 2010. I told both of my parents about him from the beginning, and they were fine with it even though he was white and I am Middle Eastern and Muslim. He is a Muslim convert. They were fine with it for the whole 5 months prior to when we met in person. My entire immediate family met him, and my father changed his whole mind about everything from that moment. Suddenly he did not want me to be with Steve, and he turned down Steve's first request for my hand in marriage. Steve went back home and we were really stressed on what to do. I knew that if I wanted to keep a healthy relationship with my family, I would need my dads approval. My mother was weary of the relationship, but she trusted my judgement and she was still ok with it.

My father put SO much stress on our relationship, he would not let me visit Steve (I still lived in their house, if I disobeyed them would cause serious fights, and I didn't want to do anything that would harm Steve's chances of getting approved by my family). My fathers reasoning for not liking Steve was because of how he looked (he is is chubby and wasn't very well-dressed) and his financial status (he was living at home with his parents and he had a shitty job). Steve and I decided to hold off the engagement, and work on getting his act together so that my father could accept him. Steve ended up finding a good job, and he moved out on his own. A year later, Steve called my father and had a long conversation with him, and asked for my hand in marriage and my dad approved. A month after that I was on my way to spend 6 months with Steve, WITH my parents approval, and we started the k-1 process.

I could have easily not spent that year trying to help Steve get his act together, and I could have "ran away" with him. I knew that in the end, if my parents still did not approve of him I would have to marry Steve without their approval and I was ready to do that. Thankfully, the numerous phone calls from Steve to my dad, helped a lot. Steve made sure he called every month, even if my father did not want to talk to him, and he called on every holiday/special occasion. Steve tried really hard to create a relationship with my dad. There are many reasons why we decided to wait a year..

1) It gave Steve time to find a decent job, and to find a home for him and I to prove to my dad that he was ready for marriage. This wasn't only for my father's approval, we both realized he we needed this to happen in order for us to be ready for marriage.

2) If we "ran away" together, I knew my children would have no relationship with their grandparents.. I didn't want that

3) If I married against my parents will, I knew it would cause a lot of problems/stress in the future. I would be constantly sad and depressed over not having the support of my family.

4) I love my parents, I want them to be in my life

It is harsh for parents to deny someone you love, but even though it may not seem like it, they are usually just looking out for what is best for you. In the end, I am glad we waited a year, Steve is more stable now, I feel more secure, and we have both matured greatly and learned a lot about how much we love each other. A few weeks ago, Steve flew up here and spent 4 days at my parents house during the time of my interview. He was welcomed with open arms, my dad respects him because of how hard Steve worked to get his approval.

For me, moving out wasn't really an option since girls in my culture do not usually move out until they get married (I know that's hard for some people to understand, but if I did move out it would cause way more problems than I needed). I'm not sure if moving out will make your situation better, it'll only just keep you away from the comments your parents make, but in they end they would still be against you marrying him. Has your bf tried to speak with your parents? It helped a lot when my fiance did, maybe your parents will get to know him more as a person?

In my opinion, if they never end up changing their minds, then go be with the one you love. This is your life after all, your parents got to live theirs.

EDIT: It may seem like I'm suggesting that you should wait like I did, but I'm really not. I'm just sharing how I went through something similar. I know that what worked for me could easily not work for you, we do have different parents/cultures after all. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Steve & Rema