Mother vehemently opposed to boyfriend/relationship.

[KyleAndrea 1]

Coming from a Chinese family myself, it can be hard to talk about feelings to the parents coz unless something can be quantified eg money and status, then it is like talking to a wall.

But we are now at this age where we know what we want to make ourselves happy. Do what you think is best for you and stand up to it without regrets. And the truth is, if your parents love you with all their heart, they will accept your decisions. If they don't, then they love their Chinese pride more.

[Lic.Matos 1]

Are you the only child? maybe your mother has a fear of loosing you, but you also have the right to be happy. I also come from a different culture and my parents only wanted someone financially stable. Long story short that person and I are now divorced. Life is short regardless of your parents wish, you need to think about yourself and your happiness. Good luck

[bigdog 376]

I liked Darnell's idea, Keep in touch, visit, finish school and be fully prepared to support a new family. Lucky you don't have the extra expense of traveling overseas. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

[decocker 7,198]

mostly your mother's behavior is blatant manipulation.

you're an adult and you can still love and care for your mother while pursuing your own happiness and future within your own adult relationships.

if she can't do the same, than these are her personal issues that you can't solve for her. cultural reasons are an excuse.

i'm not close with my mom. she is very controlling, but it in a passive agressive sort of way. completely toxic. yet i see her everyday. the only way to deal with her hangups is to rise above them, refuse to let her guilt trips have any effect on me. it's painful and takes an emotional toll, but you don't get to choose family. you're stuck with what you've got. husband on the other hand? totally your choice.

[TracyTN 237]

You are 27 years old. You have to live your life for you, not them. I would have moved out the moment my mother said to me what yours said to you and wouldn't look back.

[meadowzephyr 26]

1. A highly paid surgeon can develop a tremor in his hand and be unable to perform operations. A prestigious doctor might have his future earnings severely restricted by 0bamacare rather soon. A top attorney could be discredited or disbarred. A high-up corporate executive could be fired (or have the company close down) at any time. A rich business owner may love his business more than his wife. Employment is fluid, and success can be fleeting.

2. Perhaps one of the chief underlying reasons for failure of relationships (and marriages) is that you marry a partner because of what he/she is to the world (= outside status) rather than what he/she is to you (= what emotionally fulfills YOU).

That was so touching. It made me tear up a little.

[Chicagoguy 2 27]

I hate to say it but your mother reminds me of the little child that can't get it's way so he holds its breath until he turns blue.

Some parents panic but others understand that even if they pass out they will always begin breathing again.

[jose_leti 7]

Uber +1

This is just my opinion. First decide if your boyfriend is worth fighting for. Second, you need to understand that you can't please everyone even your family, third, you have to stand UP for yourself. Express what makes you happy. and Fourth, you have to realize that it may come down to NOT TALKING to your mom or family. You need to be aware of that and prepare for consequences.. like maybe moving out.....SHOULD you choose to pursue your boyfriend. Take your time in knowing each other. in one year he will graduate or get a full time job.. Start fighting for what you want. The visa journey will TEST you to the FULLEST.. you need to have a peaceful mind and other things sorted out first. Slowly build the relationship... If its meant to be your LOVE will endure everything and overocme every obstacle.. Good luck...!!

[akihon 129]

emotional blackmail - the thing I hate the most about Asian parents. My mother attempts to use it on me all the @#$%ing time and it drives me nuts.

[Justine+David 218]

Be safe in your own judgment, but you also need to live your own life.

My best friend loved an Indian man and they dated for 3 years. They talked about getting married. But his mother forbade it because she was white (Romanian) and he was Indian. Even though he did not consider himself Hindu and didn't really date other Indian girls. In the end, he chose his mother as a 30 year old, and married a mail order bride from India, whom he doesn't love.

On the other hand my best friend has dated many different ethnicities (Asian, Black, Indian, etc) despite the fact that her parents are from Romania and very traditionalist and also racist. They had a cow when she brought home her Asian boyfriend, but she didn't care. She chose to love who she would based on the person.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Justine+David

[pushbrk 13,133]

Time to put on the big girl panties and decide what's important to you. You know your family better than any of us. Your mother may well be serious and willing to follow through as she describes. Chinese parents, particularly mothers of only children, tend to have this kind of expectation and behavior. You knew this BEFORE you got involved with this man.

On another note, has this man been to Canada? If he has a drug related record, he may not be allowed across the border to begin with. If he even has a DUI/DWI he won't get in.

[Indykittykeilah 18]

Good luck and I am so sorry to hear your mother was so unkind to you. Since my culture is different, I cannot relate to the cultural aspect, but only to the heart. At 27 you are an adult and I'd like to believe your mother thinks she is doing this in your best interest and not her own, because that is how a mother should behave. You make your own decisions if you can support yourself and in any relationship things can get better or worse. Imagine the worst case scenario where you must be the sole support for your fiance'. Do you love him enough to suffer the burdens? Do you love him enough to suffer the loss of your family? If they do not support your heart, perhaps you are not losing so much, but it still has to hurt. I hope you find comfort and I hope it works out for the best.

[pushbrk 13,133]

mostly your mother's behavior is blatant manipulation.

you're an adult and you can still love and care for your mother while pursuing your own happiness and future within your own adult relationships.

if she can't do the same, than these are her personal issues that you can't solve for her. cultural reasons are an excuse.

i'm not close with my mom. she is very controlling, but it in a passive agressive sort of way. completely toxic. yet i see her everyday. the only way to deal with her hangups is to rise above them, refuse to let her guilt trips have any effect on me. it's painful and takes an emotional toll, but you don't get to choose family. you're stuck with what you've got. husband on the other hand? totally your choice.

It would seem that way to somebody not familiar with Chinese family culture, particularly in the one child era. What works with a Western Mom, is probably not going to work with a Chinese mom. Just speaking as the experienced husband of a Chinese Mom with a 23 year old Chinese only child daughter.

For myself, I wouldn't/didn't put up with that kind of ####### from my own mother but, alas, I'm not Chinese.

[Iyawo_Omo_Yoruba 31]

I dont have cultural issues in my family, but I had to choose as well, but only at first. Once my mom and dad saw I wasn't giving my relationship up, regardless all the negative things that came out of their mouths, they started to slowly come around. They are not fully on board yet, but I respect their decision to wait until they meet my husband before they make any more uninformed decisions against him and where he comes from. This journey is tough, even tougher without support from those you thought would always be on board no matter what you faced in life. Bottom line is, and I have said this to my parents out of anger, that it is MY choice. They had me while I was growing up, now as an adult I wish to spend my life with my husband, as God intended, which means, severing the parental ties and becoming one with him. Support or oppose, it is MY future and happiness I am seeking.

So you are not alone in this situation, you won't be the last to go through it either. Regrets are the most wasted amount of time. Know what you want and dont look back!

[bsd058 296]

IMO, it all depends on whether or not the change in your boyfriend is temporary or if he can stand the test of time. With someone with a history of drugs and a bad crowd you need to be careful, because too often I've seen these people fall into the same crowd and be influenced by it yet again even though they had no intention of it at one point in time. If the change is sincere and stands the test of time (ie. he graduates and becomes a counsellor), it sounds like he is a stand up man, and it would probably be a wise decision to marry someone like that. Remember, you do not have to force yourself to make quick decisions like this. If you just move out without really knowing what type of man you are getting involved with, then you could be making a bad decision; one that you'll live with for a long time to come.

Stop and think about it. Your mother, while being very strict, truly wants what's best for you. She possibly thinks a man with money is what's best for you. That's not necessarily the case. Men with money can sometimes become greedy or they think they can get away with things that shouldn't even be on their mind. There are good men who are rich, too, and perhaps your mother wants this for you. Your mother may think that there is a higher probability that you will be happier with a wealthy man. While most stress in marriages is caused by money, you cannot let that idol mentality dictate to you what is the right thing for you. While your mother may want what's best for you and you should honor your parents, her feelings are not moral if she judges a person in consideration of their money. You need to think twice about taking advice that is essentially based upon an immoral attitude. All of this being said, it just wouldn't be right if you were married and he could never get to the place where he could support you.

If I were you, I would wait and stay at home to see if this transformation is real and your boyfriend completes his degree and enters into counselling or some other respectable field. You can only know if a tree is good if it bears good fruit, and you can only know if a person is good if they produce good acts (ie follws through with plans and goals). See if he follows through with his plan, since his plan is partially what you are basing your decision on. If he does, then there is a good chance that he is truly changed and will not return to his old life. Honor your mother by obeying her in things that pertain to things she SHOULD have a say in, like chores and your good attitude towards her. Be an example to her as to how a person should live. Don't let her look down on you because you are young and inexperienced. Rather, astonish her by being better than what she expects.

Really, I understand that I'm giving you western advice for an eastern family. It may seem strange to not base a marriage on what your parents desire, but this is the traditional Judeo-Christian way (also, traditionally, the American way). I'm a Christian, and I can only talk out of my worldview. In the Judeo-Christian worldview, a person leaves their mother and father to be joined to their spouse and becomes one with that other person. Leaving is generally understood as a physical leaving (living with their spouse and not parents) and a spiritual leaving (leaving the rule of their parents and living in spiritual accord with and loving surrender to their spouse).

Once you feel this man is in fact marriage-worthy and that you are ready and that you are right for each other, your mother has no say in it. At least in the Christian religion. Until you believe you are ready, though, you are under your mother's authority and should wait. I think wait to see if this guy is truly what he says he is, and if you still feel he's the one for you and it turns out he accomplishes what he promised, go for it!

The views expressed in this post are my own and if others don't seem to like them, then that's their prerogative. I've benefited from my dad's advice my whole life, and I have to say that I feel he's never steered me wrong. This is something I feel he would say to me if I were to ask him for advice. I hope it helps. If it didn't then I would say just back off on the guy, because you probably aren't ready for that kind of commitment even though you think you are. It's better to let a good man get away than to get involved with someone who could turn out to be bad news. There are other fish in the sea. Marriage is a life-long committment. It's too long of a commitment to choose the wrong person.