My Fiancee Wants To Pursue Another Option

[notmuch88tosay 21]

Advice is free and sometimes worth that amount....so take mine if you wish. I take no pleasure in posting this.

I'd forget about the K-1 or any other visa for now. Go be with her, help her with english which will bring you closer together. I sat for weeks each day with my viet gf, writing into a note book and reading her reply. I'd teach her how to say the words she was reading/writing. It brought us much closer in a short time. It sounds to me that you want to be close, you hope to be close, but the closeness and trust isn't quite there yet, no matter how much you want it to exist. So go spend time with her in person.

It hurts saying this, but at this point, based on what I've read in your thread, there are many red flags. Something doesn't seem right to me, but might be easily dismissed by quality time together. I had a friend dating a Thai girl and his situation is a mirror image of yours. The girl refused to do the things she needed to do to be with him, but she never refused to go collect the money he was sending her. He went for a second visit and stayed in a hotel. She would come each morning to visit and spend the day with him, but some days she wouldn't show up. He had always wondered why she wouldn't stay at the hotel overnight with him and insisted on leaving each night. She said it would embarrass her family, but they knew she was having sex with him, so he never truly bought that excuse. Finally he followed her one night, but she didn't go home. I'll spare you the rest and just say she was already married, which of course is why she had refused to get any of the needed paperwork..............she knew it was pointless to do so, and made every excuse she could think of.

That of course is the horror story scenario, which hopefully isn't the case with you. Maybe she just needs time with you so she can truly learn who you are, how you think, and if you are the "one". In person you two can build up a trust and start a life together, if it is meant to be. If something truly isn't right in the relationship, not necessarily the horror story version, you'll be able to get to the bottom of it. Her ignoring the fiancee visa in preference to a marriage visa could be cultural, or another delay tactic. Go be with her and honestly evaluate with open eyes what is going on in her mind. Good luck to you.

Hi RobNKharen,

Thanks for your reply and advice. I appreciate your sincerity to help.

Yes, you are right, there is no guarantee that she is sincere, but I believe that she is at this time.

I do plan on going to China to be with her again. She has suggested it. I have met her parents in person, they know of our intentions to marry and have approved of it. So it is unlikely that she is already married.

Maybe this is a horror situation for me, if so, I'll get over it in time and find another woman who deserves to have a good sincere man.

I do appreciate your input, I should consider all possibilities at all times.

Take care,

notmuch88tosay

[notmuch88tosay 21]

We just have to assume that the OP knows his girl well enough, none of us can say if it's real or fake. His explanations make sense. She just sounds scared. While we assume that everyone overseas is just dying to get to the US, it isn't always that way. I doubt she is taking him for his money. I hope not.

But as you said, if the love is real, support her, try to understand her, and see what might really be going on.

Keep us posted!

It could be that she is getting a lot of family pressure, not only about moving, but about having a traditional Chinese wedding. Her family might not like the idea of her running off to get hitched in the USA.

Thanks Mogambi,

I will support her, try to understand her, and see what might really be going on.

And I will keep you folks posted.

Take care,

notmuch88tosay

[notmuch88tosay 21]

... she's either having second thoughst or she's just lazy or immature; none of which are good signs. If she's lazy, are you planning on her working in the US or learning English. Neither one of these things will be given to her on a silver platter. It will take effort and perseverance on her part...

Yes, but either way, it's better than the nightmare involved to get an American women in your life then taking a chance with the American woman that she might later decide she wants a divorce so she can 'focus on her career'... poor Tom Cruise.

notmuch88tosay

[Big Rabbit 0]

Thanks for sharing your story. In my view this visa process is really hard, challenging and demanding, particularly for Chinese women. I am in the middle of it with my fiancé and as I am sure many of you know it can take a toll. My fiancé is a successful professional with nearly 20 years of working experience working for a multi billion dollar firm. She lives close to her family, has a beautiful apartment and healthy life. I must say it was quite a learning experience for me, what she had to go through in pursuit of love. For example, I think many people simply do not understand what it means in China to renounce party affiliation and going against the complex cultural values and traditions. Navigating the legal system in China simply to get a birth certificate can be very frustrating. I think that if your fiancé is responding in such a way, it is for a reason and I think you know. My suggestion for you is to be as supportive as you can to your loved one. Care and nurture her. If you can, go and be at her side. Guide her through the process and give her hope. If things work out, you will have a companion for life that will love you dearly, and stand next to you no matter what in the finest as well as most difficult moments, for the rest of your life.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

Yes, but either way, it's better than the nightmare involved to get an American women in your life then taking a chance with the American woman that she might later decide she wants a divorce so she can 'focus on her career'... poor Tom Cruise.

notmuch88tosay

What?!

[notmuch88tosay 21]

Thanks for sharing your story. In my view this visa process is really hard, challenging and demanding, particularly for Chinese women. I am in the middle of it with my fiancé and as I am sure many of you know it can take a toll. My fiancé is a successful professional with nearly 20 years of working experience working for a multi billion dollar firm. She lives close to her family, has a beautiful apartment and healthy life. I must say it was quite a learning experience for me, what she had to go through in pursuit of love. For example, I think many people simply do not understand what it means in China to renounce party affiliation and going against the complex cultural values and traditions. Navigating the legal system in China simply to get a birth certificate can be very frustrating. I think that if your fiancé is responding in such a way, it is for a reason and I think you know. My suggestion for you is to be as supportive as you can to your loved one. Care and nurture her. If you can, go and be at her side. Guide her through the process and give her hope. If things work out, you will have a companion for life that will love you dearly, and stand next to you no matter what in the finest as well as most difficult moments, for the rest of your life.

Hi Big Rabbit,

Thanks so much for your kind words and insight.

Yes you are right, this process is often a really hard, challenging and demanding one, and it is often very hard on the Chinese woman.

In my opinion, Chinese women are very different from Philipino women, definetly very different from American women and I think they are somewhat different from Thai women, Japanese women, Russian women and from all other women around the world. So advice from people who have never met a women who lives in China and who have never gotten to know what Chinese women are like is often pure speculation and opinion based on an entirely different type of culture and woman.

You are right, the culture in China is very different as are the legal requirements and processes. The Chinese family is unique and quite different from most cultures.

Thanks for your suggestion, I think you are right, I need to be as supportive as I can be and to care for her and try to understand what she is going through.

And you are right, at the end of this difficult process, I will likely have a kind woman with a good heart who will stay by my side forever no matter what. And that is what makes it all worthwhile.

Nothing else is worth as much as that.

Thanks again,

notmuch88tosay

[notmuch88tosay 21]

What?!

Hi Evylin,

No insult intended. I speak my mind but I don't hold anything against any woman. I know that American women do the best they can to take care of themselves based on their fears, desires, beliefs and upbringing.

They are just not my cup of Tea.

Take care,

notmuch88tosay

[Penny Lane 8,159]

Hi Evylin,

No insult intended. I speak my mind but I don't hold anything against any woman. I know that American women do the best they can to take care of themselves based on their fears, desires, beliefs and upbringing.

They are just not my cup of Tea.

Take care,

notmuch88tosay

Not insulted, I just found your comment confusing.

[actob99 156]

Some good posts here. While I was listening that there could be red flags, I thought this could definitely be a green flag.

While I was living in the Philippines while working in asia, I was not looking for another wife, as I had been divorced for 5 years. During my dating and a girlfriend, I was very reluctant to get attached to someone whose #1 dream in their life was to go to america. Well I finally ran into someone who was nothing like who I thought I would have a serious relationship, even marriage. In the beginning there was a huge communication gap with her not knowing english hardly at all. She really didn't have anyone good in her life, except her younger brother. She was very shy and had an extremely hard life, but always smiling and happy.. She wasn't interested in going to America and I really wasn't either. When a job popped up in the States that was really good for the both of us, I asked her and she said "its up to me", she just wants to be with me doesn't matter where. We have already lived together and have spent time together every month in the Phils, even after I took the job in the states and started going through this process.

I guess to make it shorter, haha, we are weeks from our interview and heading to the states. She is very excited and also nervous. She is going because she knows me extremely well, knows my father and oldest son personally, talked with some of my friends, ect... and she knows she will be safe, protected and that we are in very much love and it is what needs to be done. She loves her country and I like that she does. Not all people think the same way and have aspirations to go to the U.S., even to be with their fiance/fiancee's.

I think you spending more together time physically will seal the deal. I would much rather have a fiancee scared to head off to a new world, than only have 1 meeting and a few months of chat and she can't wait to get to the U.S... I know we all have different views, but after years of seeing/working/being with people from other cultures, I come to find out that TIME is the cure all. Invest the time in the relationship and if its meant to be it will work out. TIME will also discredit and leave behind the ones with red flags..

Ingat..

[notmuch88tosay 21]

Some good posts here. While I was listening that there could be red flags, I thought this could definitely be a green flag.

While I was living in the Philippines while working in asia, I was not looking for another wife, as I had been divorced for 5 years. During my dating and a girlfriend, I was very reluctant to get attached to someone whose #1 dream in their life was to go to america. Well I finally ran into someone who was nothing like who I thought I would have a serious relationship, even marriage. In the beginning there was a huge communication gap with her not knowing english hardly at all. She really didn't have anyone good in her life, except her younger brother. She was very shy and had an extremely hard life, but always smiling and happy.. She wasn't interested in going to America and I really wasn't either. When a job popped up in the States that was really good for the both of us, I asked her and she said "its up to me", she just wants to be with me doesn't matter where. We have already lived together and have spent time together every month in the Phils, even after I took the job in the states and started going through this process.

I guess to make it shorter, haha, we are weeks from our interview and heading to the states. She is very excited and also nervous. She is going because she knows me extremely well, knows my father and oldest son personally, talked with some of my friends, ect... and she knows she will be safe, protected and that we are in very much love and it is what needs to be done. She loves her country and I like that she does. Not all people think the same way and have aspirations to go to the U.S., even to be with their fiance/fiancee's.

I think you spending more together time physically will seal the deal. I would much rather have a fiancee scared to head off to a new world, than only have 1 meeting and a few months of chat and she can't wait to get to the U.S... I know we all have different views, but after years of seeing/working/being with people from other cultures, I come to find out that TIME is the cure all. Invest the time in the relationship and if its meant to be it will work out. TIME will also discredit and leave behind the ones with red flags..

Ingat..

Hi actob99,

Thanks for your story and insights. You obviously understand and care about your fiancee and that is very important in any relationship.

Your story reminds me that my fiancee did want me to move to China and to be her husband over there in the beginning. I resisted with all my might and it led to a big fight, then she finally conceded. So that is a good obseration, she is not trying to get a quick Visa into the U.S. She is taking everything very slowly.

I think you are right, more time spent with my fiancee is probably what we both need most.

I appreciate your reply, concern, support and insights very much.

Take care and best of luck to you with your fiancee,

notmuch88tosay

[RobNKharen 70]

She is taking everything very slowly.

I think you are right, more time spent with my fiancee is probably what we both need most.

notmuch88tosay

Amazing insight

[bigdog 376]

My wife say's that Skype is a life saver on keeping in touch with her family and I like talking to them also. Good Luck and Best Wishes. She recently returned to China for 4 months and was glad to get back home. It is a really tough decision to leave ones family, I was lucky they liked me and visa versa. I am sure it helped that her brother and I are both in LE all cops like donuts (or Chinese version) and beer. I did tell her parents she could return home when ever she wanted and asked for their permission.

Edited August 9, 2012 by bigdog

[notmuch88tosay 21]

Amazing insight

If you don't have anything worthwhile to add to the conversation, then don't waste my time. In other words, go away.

notmuch88tosay

[notmuch88tosay 21]

My wife say's that Skype is a life saver on keeping in touch with her family and I like talking to them also. Good Luck and Best Wishes. She recently returned to China for 4 months and was glad to get back home. It is a really tough decision to leave ones family, I was lucky they liked me and visa versa. I am sure it helped that her brother and I are both in LE all cops like donuts (or Chinese version) and beer. I did tell her parents she could return home when ever she wanted and asked for their permission.

Hi bigdog,

Glad to hear from you. Hope everything is going great with you and yours.

Thanks for your input. Thanks also for wishing me well.

I also told the parents of my fiancee that I would do my best to bring her back to China to visit them once each year.

And luckily also for me, they accepted me and approved of our marriage.

Your support and encouragement is very much appreciated.

Take care,

notmuch88tosay

[TigerFlower 61]

notmuch88tosay,

I'm not much good advice-wise for your situation, other than to say I think all VJers should read this. You are expressing what goes through a lot of minds during this gauntlet. Our fiances are nervous, frightened, leaving all that they know behind - just for us. Will their family/friends approve? Will they fit in here? Will they be accepted? Will the person they are immigrating for still love them in a year's time? On the flip side, we ourselves worry if they won't change their minds and want to go back 'home'. This kind of dedication, just getting over here, demands a strong foundation. Too many times I've seen posts on here of people saying they 'want out' after bringing their fiance here, and it breaks my heart. I am very happy to see how truly in love, and how faithful you are to her. You are sensitive to her feelings and are extremely patient. Personally, I'm rooting for you to have a happy ending to this story. There are a lot of 'maybes' and 'perhaps' in your explanations regarding her thoughts. Could it be you just need to switch the guitar for a piano and ask your Panda to explain all that is in her heart for you...just lay it on the table so YOU really know what's going on in her heart and head? I've no doubt she loves you as well and wants to make a go of it. But if you knew exactly what her fears/hopes were, you could then make a plan and set a goal. Does that make sense? I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your journey. It seems a shame to toss aside the money/time you've already invested for the K-1 (a lot of us are frothing at the bit just to obtain one hee hee). But you must do what you both feel is right.

Best to you both.