My Fiancee Wants To Pursue Another Option

[notmuch88tosay 21]

Have you tried telling her you will attend the interview with her to alleviate her concerns?

Hi actob99,

Yes, I did tell her I would attend the interview with her.

I also told her more than once that if she failed the interview, that I would wait for her and hire another attorney and do whatever it took so we could be together. I told her we would file for a Marriage Visa if she failed the K1 Visa interview.

But again, those are only my words, she cannot be sure I will keep all of my promises made. She has as much on the line as I do, her heart and hopes.

Thanks again,

notmuch88tosay

[InHisTime 110]

Hi Mogambi,

Thanks for your insights.

My fiancee is willing to go for the long train ride to get her birth certificate at this time, but she prefers I come to China to go along with her.

I understand where she is coming from, a young lady traveling thousands of miles by herself, staying overnight in a strange city by herself and so on is not without risks. I have heard of kidnappings in some remote areas of China.

Regarding why my fiancee doesn't seem willing to invest any time on her end, first of all, she has just gone through a very difficult, very painful time regarding her family situation. She probably needed time to heal emotionally.

Second of all, for any woman to leave the only home she has ever known, the only Country she has ever lived in or visited, and to leave the only family she has ever had, to come to a strange new Country to be with a man she has only met once in person, is a huge step to take.

I have met both her parents and the rest of her family. They love her dearly. I am sure they are worried about her and have been trying to make sure she is not moving to a new Country to marry a psycopath.

Everyone around her probably has been putting doubts, concerns and fears into her mind.

This is not a Chinese doll I bought at a store that I am waiting to get through customs. This is a sensitive, delicate human being with a family and many people who love her.

Big decisions such as moving to another Country to marry someone you have only known for two years is not an easy thing for some Chinese women.

How does she know I won't get tired of her in two or three years and tell her I want a new Chinese wife?

How does she know I am the type of person I claim to be?

How does she know I am not just a really good actor?

It is not all about what the petitioner has to spend and go through, there is the woman also. She matters and her concerns, self-doubts, worries and fears need to be taken into consideration also.

Thanks again,

notmuch88tosay

Hi there! I understand her feelings and it is very good that you take NOTE of it. Yeah, it is not easy to move to other country especially when you have already a good life in your own country. Mind you, it happened to me. :(But, true LOVE conquers all. Maybe, you need to give a little more time for the relationship to grow and learn more.... -- don't get in hurry ! If it is meant to be, it would happen in due time. Take it, one day at a time. You have up to 1 year for K-1 approved petition to get to the interview....then, once visa is issued, still have 6 months time before leaving to US. I hope you two could sort out things and come up with mutual beneficial agreement. For now, just don't pressure her too much so she won't be scared and have more fears. Good luck and God bless !

[notmuch88tosay 21]

Hi there! I understand her feelings and it is very good that you take NOTE of it. Yeah, it is not easy to move to other country especially when you have already a good life in your own country. Mind you, it happened to me. :(But, true LOVE conquers all. Maybe, you need to give a little more time for the relationship to grow and learn more.... -- don't get in hurry ! If it is meant to be, it would happen in due time. Take it, one day at a time. You have up to 1 year for K-1 approved petition to get to the interview....then, once visa is issued, still have 6 months time before leaving to US. I hope you two could sort out things and come up with mutual beneficial agreement. For now, just don't pressure her too much so she won't be scared and have more fears. Good luck and God bless !

Hi InHisTime,

Thanks for your reply and kind words.

It is easy to feel as if I am a 'nice guy sucker' as I continue to put my faith and trust in her and be patient and wait. But encouragement from people like you and the others convince me that I am making the right decision.

I believe with all my heart that she wants nothing more than to be with me. So I cannot abandon her and break her heart while knowing that.

I just need to be patient and give her the space and time she needs.

I believe in her and in time I think she will without a doubt, believe in me.

Thanks again,

notmuch88tosay

[dukeandduchess 141]

It's really nice that you are being so patient and considerate. I can't be much help, but it does sound like maybe she wants to spend more time with you before pursuing a visa. As you said, leaving home/family to go to a whole new country is not easy but it will be easier if she is more comfortable with you. Maybe a few visits would help?

Good luck!

[LSnBigBear 61]

It should not hurt your future application. I mean if this current K1 expires and you decide to marry and do the Marriage Visa then it becomes a different Visa all together. Yuo would just explain in your Application letter what transpired, bad legal advice, fiancee wanting to learn english etc. All this shows is we have two people that are in love and are willing to wait for the proper time for her visa to be done correctly. I think you are on the right track and honor you for your patience. I know first hand how other cultures take their time in getting things done that are not routine. I like your patience with your fiancee. I am not sure I could be as patient lol.... Good luck though. I think you will be just fine from other posts I have read on similar topics. Honesty is the best policy and it appears you are taking the proper actions.

Good luck

[notmuch88tosay 21]

It's really nice that you are being so patient and considerate. I can't be much help, but it does sound like maybe she wants to spend more time with you before pursuing a visa. As you said, leaving home/family to go to a whole new country is not easy but it will be easier if she is more comfortable with you. Maybe a few visits would help?

Good luck!

Hi dukeandduchess,

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I do appreciate it.

Yes, I think you are right, spending more time with her should help.

Take care,

notmuch88tosay

[notmuch88tosay 21]

It should not hurt your future application. I mean if this current K1 expires and you decide to marry and do the Marriage Visa then it becomes a different Visa all together. Yuo would just explain in your Application letter what transpired, bad legal advice, fiancee wanting to learn english etc. All this shows is we have two people that are in love and are willing to wait for the proper time for her visa to be done correctly. I think you are on the right track and honor you for your patience. I know first hand how other cultures take their time in getting things done that are not routine. I like your patience with your fiancee. I am not sure I could be as patient lol.... Good luck though. I think you will be just fine from other posts I have read on similar topics. Honesty is the best policy and it appears you are taking the proper actions.

Good luck

Hi LSnBigBear,

Thanks for your kind words of support and encouragement and for the information.

The support, kindness and information from the people on this forum helps so much.

Being as patient as I have been has not been easy, but I know it is the right thing to do.

It would be very hard for me to go through my days if I knew I left a sincere kind young woman broken hearted and alone in China.

Thanks again,

notmuch88tosay

[lynndy38 64]

Just wanted to send my support,

It really sounds as though your fiance needs to spend more time with you before she makes what will be the biggest decision of her life so far. Its so frightening leaving everyone you love and know and moving to another country. My husband and I have had multiple trans-atlantic visits over the past four years and as a result its making the move much more comfortable not just for me but for my family that have gotten to spend time with E too. You're being patient,and my god you need to be during this process. Maybe another visit over and face to face talks about what visa to pursue would be a good option?

Its so hard for everyone involved but you both must be 100% sure its what you want. Lots and lots of luck to you both

[notmuch88tosay 21]

Just wanted to send my support,

It really sounds as though your fiance needs to spend more time with you before she makes what will be the biggest decision of her life so far. Its so frightening leaving everyone you love and know and moving to another country. My husband and I have had multiple trans-atlantic visits over the past four years and as a result its making the move much more comfortable not just for me but for my family that have gotten to spend time with E too. You're being patient,and my god you need to be during this process. Maybe another visit over and face to face talks about what visa to pursue would be a good option?

Its so hard for everyone involved but you both must be 100% sure its what you want. Lots and lots of luck to you both

Hi lynndy38,

Thanks for your support. It means alot to me.

Yes, it is a big decision for everyone involved and can be frightening to leave everything and everyone you've ever known.

As you and others have said, I think another trip to China is what I need to do now. My fiancee has brought it up and wants me to go. I told her lets wait until the K1 Fiancee Visa expires (just a few more days).

I've been putting my focus on my work and other things to stay strong during this process in the meanwhile.

Hopefully I will be on a plane to China soon.

Take care,

notmuch88tosay

[Mogambi 96]

I apologize if my comments were insensitive, I do understand everything you said. Wish you the best of luck.

Are you positive she has to go that far to get her birth certificate? Almost all countries have regional offices, and I'd think in a country as huge as China, there must be somewhere closer than 'thousands of miles', but honestly I know nothing of China.

I will say that in Philippines, which I would think would be worse even than China, we were able to order my fiancés birth certificate online, and it was delivered in 7 days! Just saying to double check things like that from YOUR end. My fiancé had no idea we could do that, it was me who found it after some searching.

And yes, I'm sure she's scared and her family is scared and everything that goes along with it. I went back to Ph too, to help, as it's true, my fiancé couldn't really comprehend the amount of work we were really facing to pull all of this off!

So best of luck!

[notmuch88tosay 21]

I apologize if my comments were insensitive, I do understand everything you said. Wish you the best of luck.

Are you positive she has to go that far to get her birth certificate? Almost all countries have regional offices, and I'd think in a country as huge as China, there must be somewhere closer than 'thousands of miles', but honestly I know nothing of China.

I will say that in Philippines, which I would think would be worse even than China, we were able to order my fiancés birth certificate online, and it was delivered in 7 days! Just saying to double check things like that from YOUR end. My fiancé had no idea we could do that, it was me who found it after some searching.

And yes, I'm sure she's scared and her family is scared and everything that goes along with it. I went back to Ph too, to help, as it's true, my fiancé couldn't really comprehend the amount of work we were really facing to pull all of this off!

So best of luck!

Hi Mogambi,

Thanks so much for your reply.

Not to worry, I understand. Thanks for your well wishes. I appreciate it.

My understanding about where she has to go is that she needs to go to the city where she was born. I don't know if it's thousands of miles away, but probably at least hundreds of miles away. She did tell me it would be a multi-day train ride.

Either way, it is not so much the distance she needs to go, but rather, her willingness to move from China to America 'right now'. Not sure if she is 100% ready or if she's nervous, has self-doubts and fears. She cannot speak English, so she would be 100% dependent on me for everything. If she got lost, she could not say anything to anyone unless they spoke Mandarin.

Imagine being 100% dependent on one person for everything you need to survive; food, water, a roof over your head, the ability to communicate your needs to others, etc.

I told her that after the interview she would pack her backs and we would hop on a plane to America. Since then she has been hesitating and making excuses. She has had alot of time to get a copy of her birth certificate and passport, but she did not do so and is only talking seriously about doing it now.

Maybe she wants more time to learn English? Maybe she wants to get to know me better and make sure that I am 100% sincere. There are alot of smooth talkers out there who don't care about anyone.

I was not able to get ahold of her last night, so I am assuming that she has abandoned the idea of the K1 Fiancee Visa and wants to proceed with a Marriage Visa.

Thanks again for your message,

notmuch88tosay

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

I have been trying to get my fiancee to get her birth certificate for the looooongest time. I could not get the Panda Bear to cooperate and play the guitar no matter what I said. I even offered to fly to China to go with her to help her get her birth certificate and other documents before. But she just made up excuses and kept delaying things. That's one of the reasons I am convinced she has changed her mind about going the K1 Visa route and instead wants to pursue the Marriage Visa route.

I agree with the other posters who say that her reluctance with this should a red flag for you. It would be for me. I understand about having family issues and all, we've all had them, but she's either having second thoughst or she's just lazy or immature; none of which are good signs. If she's lazy, are you planning on her working in the US or learning English. Neither one of these things will be given to her on a silver platter. It will take effort and perseverance on her part.

A lot of cultures are distrusting of foreigners. I know my wife's father (and mother to an extent) were very distrustful of me at first. So maybe in their minds, a foreigner who you are married to is less risky. Maybe her family or friends have convinced her to get married first so it's a sure thing. Honestly, that's not completely unreasonable.

[RobNKharen 70]

Advice is free and sometimes worth that amount....so take mine if you wish. I take no pleasure in posting this.

I'd forget about the K-1 or any other visa for now. Go be with her, help her with english which will bring you closer together. I sat for weeks each day with my viet gf, writing into a note book and reading her reply. I'd teach her how to say the words she was reading/writing. It brought us much closer in a short time. It sounds to me that you want to be close, you hope to be close, but the closeness and trust isn't quite there yet, no matter how much you want it to exist. So go spend time with her in person.

It hurts saying this, but at this point, based on what I've read in your thread, there are many red flags. Something doesn't seem right to me, but might be easily dismissed by quality time together. I had a friend dating a Thai girl and his situation is a mirror image of yours. The girl refused to do the things she needed to do to be with him, but she never refused to go collect the money he was sending her. He went for a second visit and stayed in a hotel. She would come each morning to visit and spend the day with him, but some days she wouldn't show up. He had always wondered why she wouldn't stay at the hotel overnight with him and insisted on leaving each night. She said it would embarrass her family, but they knew she was having sex with him, so he never truly bought that excuse. Finally he followed her one night, but she didn't go home. I'll spare you the rest and just say she was already married, which of course is why she had refused to get any of the needed paperwork..............she knew it was pointless to do so, and made every excuse she could think of.

That of course is the horror story scenario, which hopefully isn't the case with you. Maybe she just needs time with you so she can truly learn who you are, how you think, and if you are the "one". In person you two can build up a trust and start a life together, if it is meant to be. If something truly isn't right in the relationship, not necessarily the horror story version, you'll be able to get to the bottom of it. Her ignoring the fiancee visa in preference to a marriage visa could be cultural, or another delay tactic. Go be with her and honestly evaluate with open eyes what is going on in her mind. Good luck to you.

[notmuch88tosay 21]

I agree with the other posters who say that her reluctance with this should a red flag for you. It would be for me. I understand about having family issues and all, we've all had them, but she's either having second thoughst or she's just lazy or immature; none of which are good signs. If she's lazy, are you planning on her working in the US or learning English. Neither one of these things will be given to her on a silver platter. It will take effort and perseverance on her part.

A lot of cultures are distrusting of foreigners. I know my wife's father (and mother to an extent) were very distrustful of me at first. So maybe in their minds, a foreigner who you are married to is less risky. Maybe her family or friends have convinced her to get married first so it's a sure thing. Honestly, that's not completely unreasonable.

Hi Eric-Pris,

Yes, I am not flying with blindfolds on, I do look for any and all red flags and warning signs. And at times I have been worried. But nobody here knows the details of the interactions I have had with my fiancee. Nobody here knows the specifics of our relationship, the experiences we had together, how often we talk, and other such things. So the other posters who say that her reluctance with this should be a red flag for me are forming their opinions based on just a tiny bit of information regarding me and my fiancee.

For example, did they see her crying uncontrollably during a web video chat when she thought I was going to change my mind and choose another Chinese woman?

Have they seen her tearing up during other web chats?

Do they know that at another time when she thought I was going to abandon her to look for another Chinese woman, she packed her bags and moved to a new city hundreds of miles away from where she used to live?

Do the posters here who voice their opinions know how she behaved and treated me when we met in China and spent two weeks together?

You are right, I have to keep my eyes and ears wide open at all times, but I am the only one with all of the information on the relationship between me and my fiancee at this time. So I have to listen to my gut and take into consideration everything I know about my fiancee and the relationship.

Relationships always contain an element of risk. There is no way around that. I can only decide how much risk I am willing to take and for how long.

Thanks again for your reply and opinions,

notmuch88tosay

[Mogambi 96]

We just have to assume that the OP knows his girl well enough, none of us can say if it's real or fake. His explanations make sense. She just sounds scared. While we assume that everyone overseas is just dying to get to the US, it isn't always that way. I doubt she is taking him for his money. I hope not.

But as you said, if the love is real, support her, try to understand her, and see what might really be going on.

Keep us posted!

It could be that she is getting a lot of family pressure, not only about moving, but about having a traditional Chinese wedding. Her family might not like the idea of her running off to get hitched in the USA.