Abuse Victims

[Mithra 1,185]

Well if anyone wants to investigate it, all they have to do is go to the specific portals, look at recent approvals and then look at the timelimes to see who entered in the past 2 weeks. Not that anyone would know for 100% who it is but it's still putting someone's business out there.

[Mithra 1,185]

I honestly don't think there is anything we can do to prevent it. There are things we can do to help but the person would have want to and be ready to get help. I guess putting info out there as to what someone can do to help themselves would be best and leave it at that.

What do you mean? I started the topic on a genuine concern; I didn't mention names, usernames, visa type, country... nothing. Can you tell who I was referring to? Outside of being a MENA country and the guy arriving recently.. what else? I'm being as discreet as I can possibly be to protect the victim.

All this said, I agree with you that 'there's no shortage.' This is a HUGE problem. Not big, HUGE. Scams and abuse are intolerable, unacceptable and disturbing... at best. So, what else can we do to help out?

[Moh&Tam 2]

Hi Everyone,

This whole thing makes me so sad. The is not related to MENA but along the lines of a scammer 18 yrs ago I lost a very dear friend to a scam situation that ended in a tragic and abusive manner. My friend Phoebe was at court with a young lady from who was filapino married to an American man who brought her over from her country and started their life together. The scam was the young lady used her husband to come to the states to be with her boyfriend whom she saw on the side and eventually became pregnant by him. So at their divorce hearing the husband in the courtroom took out a gun. and killed his wife, her baby boy who was full term and my dear friend. Killing his wife was the ultimate form of abuse one can do.

It is just sad and deplorable that one seeks a truly loving and permanent relationship with an individual only to be abused, scammed, or both by them. I am grateful for VJ in the sense that there is enough stories shared here that can help others.

Wishing you all the best!

[NY_BX 397]

I honestly don't think there is anything we can do to prevent it. There are things we can do to help but the person would have want to and be ready to get help. I guess putting info out there as to what someone can do to help themselves would be best and leave it at that.

I agree. There's only too much we can do. But that still leaves the fact that we can do something to help. Prevention? that's another thing.

[TracyTN 237]

Just happened by the thread and had some thoughts about how we could maybe help.

The idea of a pinned topic is a good one - maybe containing some 'real life' stories from those willing to tell it, lists of domestic abuse helplines/help centers and maybe a link to a list of VJers willing to help those in crisis, both broken down by geographical location in the US. Of course you may want to do this in a way to protect the confidential information of all involved, but I'm sure that could be done. I also like Harpa's suggestion of it maybe being in the General forum or something, since as we know, abuse really has no boundaries and then maybe localizing it to the regional forums for a bit more detail from 'cultural' perspectives.

It's a tricky situation really, and could be difficult to handle on a busy board like this. Difficult, but not impossible - and certainly worthy of the effort, though.

*edited for clarity*

Edited August 6, 2012 by TracyTN

[NY_BX 397]

Hi Everyone,

This whole thing makes me so sad. The is not related to MENA but along the lines of a scammer 18 yrs ago I lost a very dear friend to a scam situation that ended in a tragic and abusive manner. My friend Phoebe was at court with a young lady from who was filapino married to an American man who brought her over from her country and started their life together. The scam was the young lady used her husband to come to the states to be with her boyfriend whom she saw on the side and eventually became pregnant by him. So at their divorce hearing the husband in the courtroom took out a gun. and killed his wife, her baby boy who was full term and my dear friend. Killing his wife was the ultimate form of abuse one can do.

It is just sad and deplorable that one seeks a truly loving and permanent relationship with an individual only to be abused, scammed, or both by them. I am grateful for VJ in the sense that there is enough stories shared here that can help others.

Wishing you all the best!

Wow, I'm sorry for your loss. Yet, I'm sure some people would say "she had it coming." There's no excuse for abuse. None.

I'm just so sad and pi$$ed! Love could easily turn into the worst dellusion.

I've heard abusers say: "if I didn't love you I was nicer, but I discipline you like a daughter because I love you." The worst part of the statement aren't the words, is the fact the abused believes them. So, I agree there's only too much we can do to help. That doesn't mean we can't come together and educate others. What others do with the information, is their business. But frankly- and this is just me- I wouldn't sleep well at night if I was bottling up information that could've helped at least one victim out there. If a 10 people think I'm an envious hater for posting red flags or scam stories, but 1 says "thank you; it saved my life" so be it.

[sandinista! 1,816]

i thought that this was interesting, from the CDC website--

All forms of IPV (intimate partner violence), from episodic violence to battering, are preventable. The key to prevention is focusing on first-time perpetration and first-time victimization. Knowledge about the factors that prevent IPV is lacking. CDC is working to better understand the developmental pathways and social circumstances that lead to this type of violence. In addition, the agency is helping organizations evaluate the effectiveness of existing programs to reduce both victimization and perpetration.

http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/DELTA/index.html

[inlovebutstressed 1]

It has come to my attention that yet, another VJ member from the MENA region is suffering from physical abuse from her husband. He basically just arrived in the US (2 weeks ago).

I don't know about you, but I am fed up with this BS. It's time to take action. I propose we create some sort of anonymous/ confidential board amongst us to help each other out. The issue with anonimity was brought up at togetherforever13's thread; the fact that the perpetrators have access to read threads and even comment as guests.

While we come up with a strategy, can the moderators post some permanent topic on the Family Discussion portion of this website with information on domestic violence? I don't know if that alraedy exists or what else to suggest to put this in the forefront.

Maybe we can strategize by states, even cities. For example, if you live in NY and need help, you can count on the help of members living in the tri-state area.

I may be rambling here and even sounding ridiculous, but this is just unacceptable.

Carry on....

[NY_BX 397]

i thought that this was interesting, from the CDC website--

All forms of IPV (intimate partner violence), from episodic violence to battering, are preventable. The key to prevention is focusing on first-time perpetration and first-time victimization. Knowledge about the factors that prevent IPV is lacking. CDC is working to better understand the developmental pathways and social circumstances that lead to this type of violence. In addition, the agency is helping organizations evaluate the effectiveness of existing programs to reduce both victimization and perpetration.

http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/DELTA/index.html

Thanks for posting this. Maybe the moderators can post this link in the pinned thread we've suggested?

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Thanks for posting this. Maybe the moderators can post this link in the pinned thread we've suggested?

Maybe we should keep tabs on what information we think we should include (this, yes) and then put it all together and let people edit/add/comment before really pinning the final version?

A large problem I see is that by the time a person makes it to VJ, they have already made up their mind to petition someone, and are already committed to this idea, that it is very hard to get them to change their minds.

I think the real goal would to get information that does not sound preachy or slanted, but even then, it might be too late.

[RFQ 110]

Barriers to Leaving

The most common question asked about domestic violence victims is "Why does she stay?"

The question shows the misunderstanding of the dynamics of domestic violence. It also reveals a tendency to blame the victim.

A more appropriate question would be:

"Why does he abuse her?" or "Why can't he be stopped from hurting his family?"

The question--"Why does she stay," --puts the responsibility back on the victim, and is often followed with the statement, "She must like it."

Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They do not stay because they "want to be abused."

A battered woman may believe:

His violence is temporary.

With loyalty and love, she can make him change.

His promises that it will "never happen again".

It's her responsibility to keep the family together.

There will be more good times.

She may tell herself:

He's had a hard life.

He needs me.

All men are violent; it is to be expected.

She may deny or minimize the violence. She may believe her abuser when he tells her that his abuse is "her fault."

Many women do not want the relationship to end; they want the violence to end.

Fear is a major factor.

Many women believe their abusers' threats. She believes he will kill her if she leaves him.

The percent of female murder victims killed by their intimate partners has remained at about 30 percent since 1976.

(Bureau of Justice Special Report:

Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000)

She may fear:

More severe abuse.

Retaliation if he finds her.

Destruction of her belongings or home.

Harm to her job or reputation.

Stalking.

Charging her with a crime.

Harming children, pets, family or friends.

His committing suicide

Court or police involvement.

At times, women may leave the relationship. She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she can not find the resources to live on her own. She may return because she loves him.

The average battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently leaving a relationship.

There are many other reasons women stay in relationships. Some include:

Economics-

Few job skills.

Limited education or work experience.

Limited cash.

No access to bank account.

Fear of poverty.

Pressure from community of faith/family.

Family expectation to stay in marriage "at any cost".

Family denial of the violence.

Family blame her for the violence.

Religion may disapprove of divorce.

Religious leader may tell her to "stay and pray".

Guilt/self doubt

Guilt about failure of the relationship.

Guilt about choosing an abuser.

Feelings of personal incompetence.

Concern about independence.

Loneliness.

Concern for Children

Abuser may charge her with 'kidnapping' or sue for custody.

Abuser may abduct or abuse the children.

Questions whether she can care for and support children on her own.

Fears losing custody of her children.

Believes children need a father.

Lack of community support

Unaware of services available to battered women.

Lack of adequate child care.

Few jobs.

Negative experiences with service providers.

Lack of affordable housing.

Isolated from community services.

No support from family and friends.

Many women in abusive relationships ask these questions:

Will it get better?

Studies show that over time, without intervention, abuse in the home gets more frequent and more violent.

Is it my fault?

No. Abuse is always wrong. In fact, abuse in the home is a crime. In Alabama, domestic violence has been made a separate crime under the criminal code. The victim is never to blame. There is no excuse for domestic violence.

Can I fix it?

No. Only the abuser can stop his violent behavior. Qualified batterer intervention programs may provide knowledge and skills to stop his violent behavior, but only the abuser can decide whether he will use them or not.

Will Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous keep him from hitting me?

No. While your partner may need treatment for alcohol or drug abuse, the abusive behavior can continue even if he becomes sober or stops abusing drugs. It is recommended that an abuser get treated for his violence in a specialized intervention program, as well as for drug and alcohol abuse through substance abuse programs.

http://www.acadv.org/barriers.html

Edited August 6, 2012 by RFQ

[wendy&tamer 10]

I pray she gets out and reports him. I helped a friend (who's husband was from a MENA country). He became abusive to her not long after he got here and admitted to her that he was using her. His plan was to leave her as soon as his girlfriend got here on a student visa and he held over her head that her parents cosponsored him and he would make sure they provided for him. He had her parents convinced it was her that was the issue. He refused to work or even try to get a drivers license. He sat his #### at home and did NOTHING. She did it all, made his food, tea, rolled his cigarettes...ect. He was verbally abusive to her kids and both physically, verbally and mentally abusive to her.

They her and the parents finally bought him a ticket home and took his greencard from him, made copies and sent letters and evidence to immigration of his intentions. She also had divorce papers served to him in his country and sent all those copies and the final decrees to DHS.

Not only women but men often suffer abuse and are too embarrassed to get out of it becuase they dont want to hear the "I told you so" line.

GET HELP AND GET OUT....no abuse is worth it.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

I would like to see a frank discussion among members about how the community as a whole can help prevent scams and abuse. I personally would like to see a pinned topic in MENA, Sub-Sahara, or anywhere really, detailing signs to be worried about. I would think the best way to do it is to discuss what should be there, edit it, etc, and then post it, instead pinning a thread with discussion that tends to veer off-topic. For instance, a good place to start is the warning the Morrocan Embassy has. I wish other consulates (Lagos, etc) would so the same. However, listing things also can have a negative effect - it gives the scammers information and so they can try to avoid the known red flags. I have thought it would good to make a list of people who were scammed/abused, just as proof, but that would hurt those members. Maybe if their stories could be told anonymously or something. I mean, personally, witnessing the before/after posts just make me sick. Especially when I can understand the subtext afterwards, for instance, one member kept posting that she was really worried about "cultural differences" and how her husband would "adapt to American life." In the light, after the fact, that she thought beating your wife was a cultural thing, and that her husband had promised to be an "American husband" with no beating, it is shocking... I know now what she was really saying.

Before VJ, I knew about mail-order brides from Russia, or similar scams, but I had never heard about young-man scamming older-divorced-poorish-female with kids. I think getting this idea into the popular imagination somehow would help. Of course, it is a tricky line to walk, because we don't want any member or group to feel targeted (though I feel targeted every day on this site by people who post anti-Israel anything they can find, over and over, I don't wish it, even on people who hurt me personally).

Also, I think this thread could be in the General forum, to avoid the above.

The problem with the warnings is that the person wanting to get someone here is absolutely convinced that there is nothing wrong with their relationship. I get yelled at all the time in the Nigerian group for my continued warnings about women getting scammed. Personally I have to keep getting up and going back to it. As long as there are ANY woman coming back with "missing" husbands or getting abused when they arrive I will refuse to shut up and they for the most part will refuse to listen to me no matter how many red flags are flying. As to a support group maybe we can get a pinned topic and start a closed group off site.

[Moh&Tam 2]

I think we definately need a permanent thread that one can view in their own time that talks about all aspects of abuse and have some share their stories, but also offer resources. Also need one on how to if your being scammed or not. Just a thought.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

Love your ideas Mohandtam and everyone needs the scam one for sure who is petitioning or getting ready to.