fiance's family disapproves

[serendipity9 1]

Hello- I have been reading the MENA forum for just a few months now, but it seems nearly everyone here has been warmly welcomed by their in-laws. My fiance's family vehemently disapproves (and certainly won't entertain any cordial introductions). I can't say I blame them, I'm sure a slightly older, divorced mother is not what they envisioned for him (our common religion notwithstanding). Actually, the patriarch of the family has yet to be informed because that will really be when SHTF (autocratic fathers are complicated like that, y'know?)

Anyways, we are almost at the interview stage and I'm guessing the CO will ask "How does your family feel about your fiancee?" Of course, the only option is to be honest about it and it may very well send up a fatal "red flag".

As we are well above the age of consent, I realize the family's express permission is not required per se, but family approval is very important to conform to cultural norms. I fear the CO will deny us based upon this unless this peculiarity can be solidly explained.

Did any of you have in-laws who objected to the engagement/marriage (to put it mildly)? How would one overcome this red flag, if it's even possible to do so? I mean, family dynamics vary widely within any culture (and good heavens, dysfunction is universal!). Does anyone have any advice as far as addressing this in the interview?

[Moh&Tam 2]

Hello- I have been reading the MENA forum for just a few months now, but it seems nearly everyone here has been warmly welcomed by their in-laws. My fiance's family vehemently disapproves (and certainly won't entertain any cordial introductions). I can't say I blame them, I'm sure a slightly older, divorced mother is not what they envisioned for him (our common religion notwithstanding). Actually, the patriarch of the family has yet to be informed because that will really be when SHTF (autocratic fathers are complicated like that, y'know?)

Anyways, we are almost at the interview stage and I'm guessing the CO will ask "How does your family feel about your fiancee?" Of course, the only option is to be honest about it and it may very well send up a fatal "red flag".

As we are well above the age of consent, I realize the family's express permission is not required per se, but family approval is very important to conform to cultural norms. I fear the CO will deny us based upon this unless this peculiarity can be solidly explained.

Did any of you have in-laws who objected to the engagement/marriage (to put it mildly)? How would one overcome this red flag, if it's even possible to do so? I mean, family dynamics vary widely within any culture (and good heavens, dysfunction is universal!). Does anyone have any advice as far as addressing this in the interview?

Hi,

I am so sorry for the familys attitude. I think telling the truth about the family and their attitude will come accross better than having never told the family. I would also think it would be bad to hold that against you for the simple fact their are many countries where the culture runs deep and your not first to experience this. I am sure this hurts you and your partner and express that but you won't let it be a hinderance to your relationship and future.

Just be honest and provide as much support as you can to prove your relationship and how happy you are. Wishing you two all the best insha'Allah.

[Anh map 2,098]

Multiple visits together can help in this circumstance.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

I got a similar reaction and only time softened them up. His dad would never have agreed but he was senile lol and blind and near deaf or else we wouldn't be together hahaha. His mom was first to be happy for him no matter what....his 2 brothers and 7 isters were like oh hell no, not an AMerican and non-Muslim! But then with time they seen I was not evil lol now his family loves me. I if have issues with hubby get his mom and family to talk to him. They usually side with me ( he's usually wrong is wh.

Edited August 5, 2012 by ErikaAndHamit

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

How much older are you? I ask because that may be a significant red flag, especially combined with the lack of family approval. Lots of visits, pictures with friends and maybe any cousins or others who are supportive will help.

[serendipity9 1]

Thank you all very much for the replies.

I am not quite 7 years older than him, so it's not an enormous age gap but not insignificant in the CO's eyes either, I imagine.

However, the family's disapproval is just one of several confounding issues-- I was previously married and I had filed spousal-based AOS for my (now ex) husband who was studying here in the U.S. when we met and married in 1996. However, that marriage lasted over 15 years, we had a family, a mortage, shared assets, all that, etc. He became naturalized 8 years ago and we had 2 more kids after that (we didn't separate until 2 yrs ago) so I wouldn't think that should set off suspicious alarm bells with the Embassy/USCIS. I don't know, maybe it will (my ex and my fiance are not of the same national origin/ethnicity if that's of any relevance)

It's not possible for me to make another trip before the likely date of the interview. I think the best he can do is what just say it's unfortunate the family doesn't support the engagement, but we are happy and determined to share a life together, as Moh&Tam suggested. Thanks As we hope for the best, inshallah.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

OP first good luck to your fiance at his interview...your timeline does not reflect the date but I hope it goes smoothly and is soon.

I am sorry there is disharmony from the family. Did you meet them and there is still hard disapproval? Even the mother? I would assume there would be a little softness coming from a mother that can see her son is happy.

It sounds like it is VERY much up to your fiance to be forthright IF asked how his family feels about your engagement. Having wrote that, I think he needs to emphasis your relationship is strong despite the conditions. As u mentioned you both are adults. Let him answer and in the same sentence add something emphasizing something positive u both feel assured about. Maybe the family will come around.

Somethings come into my mind as an impartial party reading your post... How is your family accepting the relationship? Have your CHILDREN spoken to this new man in your life? Do they feel comfortable? I would think THIS would be more important to me, as a mother, over any other people's opinions or acceptances.

[Peter_Pan 661]

To me it doesnt sound like it should be a problem, frankly when I see how the family embraces the much older, divorced, mother of X kids, I can only think they are all planning the son's scam.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Divorced, with or without children, older wife, not common but not unheard of AT ALL in MENA - even in MENA/MENA marriages.

Don't sweat that part.

What you should be sweating is your potential future husband's attitude about his potential future wife. In all of my MENA years, many of them living smack dab in the middle of it, it's NEVER been the man's choice of a wife flat out refused. After all, he goes to her home and proposes. It's always her family that says no. His family will - maybe right away, but maybe eventually - accept his choice, even if they don't like her or something about her and spend the rest of their lives ignoring her, they will never tell him he can't and really mean it.

For him to lead you to believe otherwise is hogwash.

Perhaps what will happen is *surprise, surprise* he won the visa lottery and he's off to his new life in America. In a few years, after he's a wildly successful CEO of a Fortune 100 company, he will return to marry the wife his family has chosen for him. After all, it's time for him to get married.

You're being played.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Ihavequestions

[serendipity9 1]

I was kinda surprised to see all these replies today since its a couple months old.. but thanks for the input.

Sorry if my question was unclear to some, I was just asking about how to best address the issue if it comes up during the the interview.

I have been advised, thanks

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Why surprised on a public forum made for sharing and helping?

dont forget to pay it forward GF,

Your "input" could help someone behind u.

[hamigirl710 112]

I was kinda surprised to see all these replies today since its a couple months old.. but thanks for the input.

Sorry if my question was unclear to some, I was just asking about how to best address the issue if it comes up during the the interview.

I have been advised, thanks

So since the original post is a bit old have you had the interview and did they ask this question?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Divorced, with or without children, older wife, not common but not unheard of AT ALL in MENA - even in MENA/MENA marriages.

Don't sweat that part.

What you should be sweating is your potential future husband's attitude about his potential future wife. In all of my MENA years, many of them living smack dab in the middle of it, it's NEVER been the man's choice of a wife flat out refused. After all, he goes to her home and proposes. It's always her family that says no. His family will - maybe right away, but maybe eventually - accept his choice, even if they don't like her or something about her and spend the rest of their lives ignoring her, they will never tell him he can't and really mean it.

For him to lead you to believe otherwise is hogwash.

Perhaps what will happen is *surprise, surprise* he won the visa lottery and he's off to his new life in America. In a few years, after he's a wildly successful CEO of a Fortune 100 company, he will return to marry the wife his family has chosen for him. After all, it's time for him to get married.

You're being played.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

agreed

[serendipity9 1]

So since the original post is a bit old have you had the interview and did they ask this question?

Hello-- to answer your question, yes my fiance had his interview a little over 2 weeks ago and yes, he was asked about his family's opinion of the engagement. He answered truthfully and it appeared to be a non-issue as far as the CO's reaction would indicate.

The CO was far more interested in just how in the hell did 5 people actually LIVE on my income last year without public assistance( I was employed only part-time. No, we weren't on the dole--I just know how to thin out the soup and make do)

Anyways, result: denial for 212 a(4) allowing further consideration upon presenting additional evidence... in other words, maybe his family was right on about this impoverished American dreg of society:P (Actually, we remain hopeful of salvaging this petition as the circumstances change) Co-sponsor was a longtime family friend and that was problematic to the CO (in retrospect, I should have gone with my dad instead)

Anyway, most of the interview was spent asking questions about my first marriage, my load of little waifs, and do we still manage to brush the flies from our dessicated eyeballs when we're so flippin' poor??

Best of luck to you.

[hamigirl710 112]

Hello-- to answer your question, yes my fiance had his interview a little over 2 weeks ago and yes, he was asked about his family's opinion of the engagement. He answered truthfully and it appeared to be a non-issue as far as the CO's reaction would indicate.

The CO was far more interested in just how in the hell did 5 people actually LIVE on my income last year without public assistance( I was employed only part-time. No, we weren't on the dole--I just know how to thin out the soup and make do)

Anyways, result: denial for 212 a(4) allowing further consideration upon presenting additional evidence... in other words, maybe his family was right on about this impoverished American dreg of society:P (Actually, we remain hopeful of salvaging this petition as the circumstances change) Co-sponsor was a longtime family friend and that was problematic to the CO (in retrospect, I should have gone with my dad instead)

Anyway, most of the interview was spent asking questions about my first marriage, my load of little waifs, and do we still manage to brush the flies from our dessicated eyeballs when we're so flippin' poor??

Best of luck to you.

lol I like it.... flies from the eyeballs I hope you guys can turn the denial around it is good to see you are still hopeful and with your determination I think you guys will be together soon God willing! Thanks for the luck and luck and best wishes to you too!