Abused women debate

[Impossible 30]

I see that my thread was locked after a huge debate while I was not even present. As a few of you had posted I am weak, it is my fault, abused women are stupid, along with many other comments. Well being the weak person I am I would assume one would think I would have gotten so upset, cried, and possibly sat in a corner in the fetal position feeling badly for myself that anyone could say such things. Well much to surprise the ones of you who think I am weak, I actually laughed so hard I did almost cry. I didn't get cry in disbelief I laughed at the very idea that anyone could compare relationships such as these as somewhat normal.

Do I feel it is ok to stay in an abusive relationship. Seriously no! With that said I do understand why some people do stay for extended periods of time. I also do believe when we enter into relationships such as these we go through much to actually get the person here and when we do we very much want to make it work. We have spent time apart, limited time together, and many horrible nights sitting on skype wishing we were next to someone. The reality is we really do not know the person for who they really are until we start spending 24/7 together. Unless you were lucky enough to be able to go visit your spouse/fiance for long periods of time, most of us could go for a visit maybe 1-2 times a year and for an average of 10-14 days at a time. Well that is, if the person had a job, family,etc that would prevent themselves from staying longer.

I laugh at many things on this site. I remember someone stating one time that they waited almost until the 90 mart when her fiance came before she married him. People were horribly rude to her and stated well you should know before you brought him here you wanted to marry him. She defended herself saying with the limited amount of time that you actually get to spend together it would be almost stupid to marry the day they get off the plane. Online and vacations certainly does not equate to a daily life together.

So as some of you judge my situation from either the standpoint of the abuse or even the immigration situation. I would like to say I do wish all of you the best of luck in your own relationships, but if and with some of you when, your own life comes crashing down I do hope that you don't come to this site looking for guidance and support, because if i happen to see your threat I will be the first one to let you know how much of an idiot some of you are. Peter Pan as you stood on your soap box and insulted me as well as any other woman that has been abused, I have to wonder if I was married to you would I not have the urge to smack you around just a little bit!

So many times what I see on here is judgmental and rude and until you walk in another person's shoes and I dont mean ones from your own past experiences, I mean ones that she is walking in right at the moment. Then if all you can do is judge and be another person in her life that puts her down, then shut the F#@% up and move on with your useless comments and deeming moral character.

Thank you to everyone that was supportive, and there were so many of you that were. I would like to point out that this post was actually posted by the weak and deserving abused woman!

[habibi11 16]

I have never seen ur original thread but well said.... Noone should ever be a victim of abuse. It is certainly in no way your fault for being abused... That is ridiculous that people would say that. So good for you for making this comment .. Best of luck to you... 

[EAbbas 213]

Abuse comes in many ways... emotional, verbal, physical and sexual... i didnt experience the physical part of the abuse from my ex husband but it took me years... literally to understand the other forms of abuse he was using on me. Sometimes its a slow process that you dont realize its happening as each day is a little more just a tiny bit and you accept it until one day you look back and you realize the person you fell in love with was sick with this abusive nature and i lived my first marriage hopeless in a marriage that was conditional in every way... idk how many times i was told if i didnt like it i could leave get the H*ll out so i was always fearful and being tossed out

There are many women in situations like this who just dont know.. i mean how many times was I told i was his wife it was my duty... and i wanted to be a good wife and do what i was supposed to.. i cried out to my own family and bcos he had a great facade and others didnt see what I did they thought i needed to be a better wife and actually told me so... I severed ties with them during my divorce needless to say but they see him now for who he really is he can't hide it anymore.

It took me years before i finally got help. Got counseling and got out.. and the funny thing is... when i got counseling i was getting stronger each day each time i met with the counselor and my ex started getting scared and trying to make me stay because he knw the next time he said you know where the door is get out.. i was going to go...and one day he said it and I did!!!!

And nobody... man or woman should have to excuse WHY they stayed... its part of the abuse process and nobody should have to explain... we just have to be thankful that those got out when they did and help those crying out!

Edited August 2, 2012 by EAbbas

[chikings 27]

Greetings,

I'm sorry sister for your hurt and issues.. I've never read your thread.. I would never judge anyone. I hope you aresafe and in the healing process. I would never let anyone add more stress to any situation that I am going through even if it was so called good intentions. Take care,

Peace,

Chi

[AmyWrites 593]

I don't blame you, as I've been the victim of abuse too and now how hard it is to leave. What I don't understand is how people marry someone they've spent so little face to face time with. I know it's not possible for some given that many countries aren't in the VWP or are unable to move abroad, but, in that situation, I would've done a K-1, not a CR1.

[Darnell 8,478]

i thought the attacks that came in on yer other topic were from small-minded people that were living online, with no outside activities to occupy themselves with.

Of course, that's just my opinion, however malformed.

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I see that my thread was locked after a huge debate while I was not even present. As a few of you had posted I am weak, it is my fault, abused women are stupid, along with many other comments. Well being the weak person I am I would assume one would think I would have gotten so upset, cried, and possibly sat in a corner in the fetal position feeling badly for myself that anyone could say such things. Well much to surprise the ones of you who think I am weak, I actually laughed so hard I did almost cry. I didn't get cry in disbelief I laughed at the very idea that anyone could compare relationships such as these as somewhat normal.

Do I feel it is ok to stay in an abusive relationship. Seriously no! With that said I do understand why some people do stay for extended periods of time. I also do believe when we enter into relationships such as these we go through much to actually get the person here and when we do we very much want to make it work. We have spent time apart, limited time together, and many horrible nights sitting on skype wishing we were next to someone. The reality is we really do not know the person for who they really are until we start spending 24/7 together. Unless you were lucky enough to be able to go visit your spouse/fiance for long periods of time, most of us could go for a visit maybe 1-2 times a year and for an average of 10-14 days at a time. Well that is, if the person had a job, family,etc that would prevent themselves from staying longer.

I laugh at many things on this site. I remember someone stating one time that they waited almost until the 90 mart when her fiance came before she married him. People were horribly rude to her and stated well you should know before you brought him here you wanted to marry him. She defended herself saying with the limited amount of time that you actually get to spend together it would be almost stupid to marry the day they get off the plane. Online and vacations certainly does not equate to a daily life together.

So as some of you judge my situation from either the standpoint of the abuse or even the immigration situation. I would like to say I do wish all of you the best of luck in your own relationships, but if and with some of you when, your own life comes crashing down I do hope that you don't come to this site looking for guidance and support, because if i happen to see your threat I will be the first one to let you know how much of an idiot some of you are. Peter Pan as you stood on your soap box and insulted me as well as any other woman that has been abused, I have to wonder if I was married to you would I not have the urge to smack you around just a little bit!

So many times what I see on here is judgmental and rude and until you walk in another person's shoes and I dont mean ones from your own past experiences, I mean ones that she is walking in right at the moment. Then if all you can do is judge and be another person in her life that puts her down, then shut the F#@% up and move on with your useless comments and deeming moral character.

Thank you to everyone that was supportive, and there were so many of you that were. I would like to point out that this post was actually posted by the weak and deserving abused woman!

I would like to apologize, I think by writing my response that triggered the flame war that resulted in the thread being closed. I tried to be keep my post without malice but after reading some of the responses I guess it hit close to home for me and I let my feelings speak instead of my head.

Don't let the few people on here change who you are. If someone needs help, be supportative and offer guidance, that is what makes the difference between you and them. I'm glad you are out of that horrible situation and I wish you well in the future. Allah bless you.

[BethandBilly 86]

I would also like to apologise for derailing your post, I let my heart take over my head.

I wish you all the best for the future, take care and good luck.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

Many people don't understand the dynamic of power and control, if they knew they wouldn’t blame the victim or ask why people stay in abusive relationship. The abused person can't be held responsible for the abuse.To blame the victims or suggest they enjoy or thrive on being abused is despicable, just an abuser with a sick mind and without compassion can have these thoughts.

[ClaireGio 35]

Just read parts of the thread. Amazes me how those posters have a conscience. It's easy to say those things from behind their Lap top tucked up in bed. I too have been in that controlling, violent, jealous and possessive relationship. It drains your soul.

[Xanax 349]

I understand you're frustration and some people on here can be callus but I am just not sure your response was 100% fair to the VJ community.

I am truly sorry for what you have gone through, I wish you the best of luck.

The biggest shame in all of this is that instead of turning your negative experience into something positive and that you learned from how "some" (not all) the people treated you here and you realized how not to do the same and how harmful it can be. It appears you have just gotten angry, decided (your own words) that anyone seeking advice here wont get help or sympathy from you and that you would actually condone violence towards at least one member.

I hope your post was cathartic and I really wish you well; it's just such a shame you couldn't have been the bigger person (yes some people here act like colossal ignoramus' but we don't have to go there) and made this experience a positive and moved forward instead of being scathing and mean spirited.

Edited August 3, 2012 by Xanax

[rlogan 2,036]

It is nice to see people come back with an apology for blaming the victim.

There is one that won't. Whoever is the fiance of this person better take huge note of that complete lack of conscience and the malicious joy expressed in the suffering of others. Talk about a red flag.

[BethandBilly 86]

I never blamed the victim, in fact I support her, what I said was pertaining to the person that did blame the victim, just so we got that straight

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I never blamed the victim, in fact I support her, what I said was pertaining to the person that did blame the victim, just so we got that straight

I second this motion, we were trying to defend her, but let our emotions get in the way and in a round about way starting going after the person being mean and disrespectful towards the OP.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

rlogan you are absolutely right!

Unfortunately we have in the VJ some misogynists and they will use anything within their power to make women feel miserable, they do not miss one single chance to put down a women or hurt their feelings, but what can we expect from abusers?

Edited August 3, 2012 by sandranj