Abusive Relationships

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Shame on you if you slap me once, shame on me if you slap me twice. Furthermore, shame on me to the 100th if you slapped me in your home country and I still petition you! No, this is not blaming the victim at all. This is about common sense and personal responsibility.

Please add Gowon to the shame list

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I worked in a Domestic violence shelter for a year, and we would generally see the same women in the shelter about 5 times before they decided to end the relationship once and for all, if they did at all. http://www.helpguide...ses_effects.htm

Thank you for sharing this. Very useful and you didn't even have to grandstand

[Moh&Tam 2]

Hi,

This subject is so sad. As a victim of DV by a wonderful, christian, elder in the church, pillar of the community, white american man. I can say this issues knows NO discrimination. When I finally got the courage and strength to leave I left and never came back. The physcial abuse can heal or leave permanent scars like what I have but the emotional scars take forever to heal.

I am so grateful the OP was strong enough to leave and make her stand. I admire you LADY. I waited years to heal and get healthy before I pondered another relationship. This time I did find a kind, gentle, god fearing soul. Alhumdollah.

So to the original OP my thoughts and prayers are with you and if you need anything please message me.

Hugs,

Tam,

[Mithra 1,185]

The OP of this thread is not a victim of abuse.

[Ning 619]

Hi,

This subject is so sad. As a victim of DV by a wonderful, christian, elder in the church, pillar of the community, white american man. I can say this issues knows NO discrimination. When I finally got the courage and strength to leave I left and never came back. The physcial abuse can heal or leave permanent scars like what I have but the emotional scars take forever to heal.

I am so grateful the OP was strong enough to leave and make her stand. I admire you LADY. I waited years to heal and get healthy before I pondered another relationship. This time I did find a kind, gentle, god fearing soul. Alhumdollah.

So to the original OP my thoughts and prayers are with you and if you need anything please message me.

Hugs,

Tam,

She hasnt been abused that we know of. She is telling everyone that will listen to cease any efforts to bring those nasty abusers to the USA. Dont import abusive people is the message as there are enough here already just as you found.

[Mithra 1,185]

And this message is wrong? Are you saying people should import known abusers? Also, nasty abusers sounds sarcastic coming from you. Is there anything not nasty about abuse or perpetrators of abuse? I'm failing to see what your beef is.

Edited August 1, 2012 by Mithra

[Ning 619]

And this message is wrong? Are you saying people should import known abusers?

Here is what I actually said. Dont twist it into something different. You have done well in your responces here. Dont try to begin an argument with me because you need to feel superior to others. It was you that felt the need to correct one person by pointing out she hadnt been abused. How do you know that?

"She hasnt been abused that we know of. She is telling everyone that will listen to cease any efforts to bring those nasty abusers to the USA. Dont import abusive people is the message as there are enough here already just as you found."

That is a factual statement. It doesnt say the message is wrong. It doesnt say people should import more abusers. It says she wants others to do as she says and thinks. She thinks others require her to wake them up before its too late. She believes thay dont know they are being abused and need her help to realize that so they dont bring the abusive people here to continue the abuse.

What advice do you have for those that are being abused; dont know it and are going to bring the person here to be subject to further abuse?

[Mithra 1,185]

First, I know she hasn't been abused because she told me so personally and she never stated that she was abused.

Second, I don't feel superior to anyone here. I agree with some and disagree with some. Isn't that standard fare on an internet forum?

I'm not sure why you have a problem with someone expressing their opinion on a forum where expressed opinions are what this forum is all about. The OP's opinion is that people shouldn't import abusers. I happen to agree with that opinion. I can't imagine why anyone would disagree with that opinion but I'm sure there is a possibility that someone may disagree.

I'm not sure how anyone could not know they are being abused when they've been physically assaulted unless they've lived a very sheltered, abuse filled life and that's all they know. Or unless they enjoy being abused (that's not saying people enjoy it but you never know about some people) and in that case, they probably wouldn't come on this forum to ask for help or advice.

So your beef is the OP's delivery of her message?

[msheesha 548]

First, I know she hasn't been abused because she told me so personally and she never stated that she was abused.

Second, I don't feel superior to anyone here. I agree with some and disagree with some. Isn't that standard fare on an internet forum?

I'm not sure why you have a problem with someone expressing their opinion on a forum where expressed opinions are what this forum is all about. The OP's opinion is that people shouldn't import abusers. I happen to agree with that opinion. I can't imagine why anyone would disagree with that opinion but I'm sure there is a possibility that someone may disagree.

I'm not sure how anyone could not know they are being abused when they've been physically assaulted unless they've lived a very sheltered, abuse filled life and that's all they know. Or unless they enjoy being abused (that's not saying people enjoy it but you never know about some people) and in that case, they probably wouldn't come on this forum to ask for help or advice.

So your beef is the OP's delivery of her message?

Mithra - the criticism seems to be that I'm over-simplifying and that I'm giving simplistic advice/telling people what to do about a complicated situation. The reality is, since being involved in this whole immigration/MENA thing, I've seen people believe abuse and/or bad behavior is a cultural thing that will go away once they get here. My point was abuse isn't a cultural thing that will go away when the person adapts to the US. The reality is that some women I've encountered on VJ and other places MENA-immigration related believe that. The posts that brought this whole subject up clearly stated that this was the person's belief - that telling her husband that abuse was not accepted in the US and he could go to jail for it, would stop his behavior once he gets to the US.

So, I thought it was worth stating. Guess it's not universally well received. Oh well, so be it!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Mithra - the criticism seems to be that I'm over-simplifying and that I'm giving simplistic advice/telling people what to do about a complicated situation. The reality is, since being involved in this whole immigration/MENA thing, I've seen people believe abuse and/or bad behavior is a cultural thing that will go away once they get here. My point was abuse isn't a cultural thing that will go away when the person adapts to the US. The reality is that some women I've encountered on VJ and other places MENA-immigration related believe that. The posts that brought this whole subject up clearly stated that this was the person's belief - that telling her husband that abuse was not accepted in the US and he could go to jail for it, would stop his behavior once he gets to the US.

So, I thought it was worth stating. Guess it's not universally well received. Oh well, so be it!

Not sure why any sane person would no thave received it well. You did nothing wrong and explained it clearly in your first post.

Despite the best efforts though, we'll continue to see this happening. I stated on the original post for the co-forumer not to blame Islam/Muslim or even Egypt for that matter. She just chose a bad apple and he could have been from anywhere in the world , the critical thing for me and as you pointed out, clearly, was that the indicators were visible.

[Mithra 1,185]

I don't think the person who is critical of your opinion understands the MENA culture or why women may believe that abuse in normal in that culture. If they understood perhaps they wouldn't be so critical? Or perhaps the person just likes to argue for the sake of arguing. Who knows. I have also noticed that many women, especially those unfamiliar with people from MENA and their culture, tend to think abuse and violence is the norm. It happens but it's not normal. Abuse is wrong no matter who is doing it or where they come from.

I would advise anyone entering into a relationship with a MENA man to research his culture (through unbiased sources), talk to people from that culture (other than the object of their affections), talk to other women who have been married to MENA men, etc. It would help understand what is typical and normal and what is not. Not that all MENA men are the same but there are many universal similarities.

Edited August 1, 2012 by Mithra

[sandinista! 1,816]

I don't think the person who is critical of your opinion understands the MENA culture or why women may believe that abuse in normal in that culture. If they understood perhaps they wouldn't be so critical? Or perhaps the person just likes to argue for the sake of arguing. Who knows. I have also noticed that many women, especially those unfamiliar with people from MENA and their culture, tend to think abuse and violence is the norm. It happens but it's not normal. Abuse is wrong no matter who is doing it or where they come from.

I would advise anyone entering into a relationship with a MENA man to research his culture (through unbiased sources), talk to people from that culture (other than the object of their affections), talk to other women who have been married to MENA men, etc. It would help understand what is typical and normal and what is not. Not that all MENA men are the same but there are many universal similarities.

the person arguing with her, you, et al is trawling for arguments/the opportunity to be a pompous blowhard. it's nothing at all to do with providing any kind of advice, information, insight or observation about the original topic.

[sandinista! 1,816]

I am sure this non judgemental plea will cause many to simply wake up and change their minds about what they are doing. That is if they recovered from the last beating they suffered enough to think clearly. Just like the clouded thinking of those that feel they can persuade someone they dont know to undo what they have begun.

Anyone reading this would have filed to bring the person here already. If thats the case they must know if they have been abused. If so I feel badly for them but doubt they need to be told an address change will cause a behavior change.

No, not anyone. There are several men and women on VJ, active in this very forum, who have not filed anything yet, and/or have not yet traveled to their SO's home country to meet in person. VJ members have a varied schedule for filing their immigration paperwork, etc. Stop pigeonholing. And anyways, what would their filing status have to do with their being aware or not that they had been subjected to abusive behavior? It's not uncommon for abused people to rationalize their abuser's behaviors. Sometimes they don't see it until it's directly pointed out to them, and even then it can sometimes take several times for them to realize/comprehend/accept that they are in fact being subjected to abuse.

[Krikit 1,164]

One member banned from thread for abusive posting behaviour.

[msheesha 548]

Not sure why any sane person would no thave received it well. You did nothing wrong and explained it clearly in your first post.

Despite the best efforts though, we'll continue to see this happening. I stated on the original post for the co-forumer not to blame Islam/Muslim or even Egypt for that matter. She just chose a bad apple and he could have been from anywhere in the world , the critical thing for me and as you pointed out, clearly, was that the indicators were visible.

Thanks. I agree.

Edited August 1, 2012 by msheesha