Abusive Relationships

[msheesha 548]

I imagine there are more things at work besides feeling sorry. Oh well, we tried to be supportive that's all we can do. Clearly she knows the relationship is unhealthy but she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions. I can't help but be frustrated at all the drama and cries for help and then feeling sorry for someone who clearly doesn't want out of an unhealthy, abusive situation. It must be doing something for her.

It's frustrating to realize the person is putting herself back into the abusive scenario. It's even sadder when more vulnerable people are involved - children, elderly parent, etc.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Come on Guys, you are not blaming the victims are you?

I mean gosh, blaming the victim is like supporting Hitler. Or some such nonsense posted by another poster on another thread.

[Crossed_fingers 128]

It's frustrating to realize the person is putting herself back into the abusive scenario. It's even sadder when more vulnerable people are involved - children, elderly parent, etc.

Exactly. My guess is that most of the petitioners who accept very bad treatment experienced abusive or at least highly dysfunctional relationships in their pasts. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to break that kind of cycle if on some level or another that's what they've learned is "normal," but it makes me feel so sad for their kids who will now grow up with this example of what love and marriage are supposed to be.

Edited July 31, 2012 by Crossed_fingers

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm not blaming her but there does come a point where people have to take personal responsibility for their choices. If someone abuses you, gets locked up and you have a PPO filed and all their belongings are out of your home and then you bring that person back in...I'd say that was a personal choice. But even before that, someone smacks you around in their home country and you come back to the US (thousands of miles away) and you still petition for them - again a personal choice was made. She obviously didn't ask to get beaten but she had a way out more than once and didn't take it.

Come on Guys, you are not blaming the victims are you?

I mean gosh, blaming the victim is like supporting Hitler. Or some such nonsense posted by another poster on another thread.

[msheesha 548]

Exactly. My guess is that most of the petitioners who accept very bad treatment experienced abusive or at least highly dysfunctional relationships in their pasts. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to break that kind of cycle if on some level or another that's what they've learned is "normal," but it makes me feel so sad for their kids who will now grow up with this example of what love and marriage are supposed to be.

It's graphic, but I wonder if she imagined the future & pictured her daughter being abused by daughter's future husband, would it motivate her to get out of the relationship? We all know she's teaching her daughter how she should be treated in future relationships. (She, being the generic physically abused woman, and nobody specific).

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I'm not blaming her but there does come a point where people have to take personal responsibility for their choices. If someone abuses you, gets locked up and you have a PPO filed and all their belongings are out of your home and then you bring that person back in...I'd say that was a personal choice. But even before that, someone smacks you around in their home country and you come back to the US (thousands of miles away) and you still petition for them - again a personal choice was made. She obviously didn't ask to get beaten but she had a way out more than once and didn't take it.

Oh I agree with all of you Guys, my posts was just sarcastic. I can't believe that someone would equate the surfering of Jews under Hitler (who had no power to resist) to American residents in 2012 who have all the power in the world to leave their abusers and choose not to.

VAWA, etc all work when the abused empower themselves.

[Ning 619]

Can you fathom what "identified reasons" there would be to go through the difficulty of immigration for someone who has abused you in their home country? There are now at least two people who've posted info about being slapped around in their husband or fiance's home country, and they still petitioned for him. I can't imagine the "identified reasons" for going through the trouble of the process to bring someone who has smacked you around to your home, when you have the safest out of all.

Yes I can and while I dont agree with what they do I understand it. You on the other hand are having a serious problem understanding the subject. You also seem to think that your opinion posted here will cause another person to set aside their thinking and replace it with yours. You say you are frustrated with what others do. Why not put together a web site so you can become the sage of the subject of abuse?

There are many people that have posted vaild reasons for the actions of these people. How many does it take for you to try to understand? Those identified reasons I mean.

Why cant you get thru to even those two lost souls you pointed out? Why wont just two do what you want? Ask them. Tell them you have the answers. Send them a P M with your phone number. Ask them to identify the reasons for their actions. Demand answers. Tell them you are frustrated and feel abused by them and others. Seek the help you need.

[msheesha 548]

Yes I can and while I dont agree with what they do I understand it. You on the other hand are having a serious problem understanding the subject. You also seem to think that your opinion posted here will cause another person to set aside their thinking and replace it with yours. You say you are frustrated with what others do. Why not put together a web site so you can become the sage of the subject of abuse?

There are many people that have posted vaild reasons for the actions of these people. How many does it take for you to try to understand? Those identified reasons I mean.

Why cant you get thru to even those two lost souls you pointed out? Why wont just two do what you want? Ask them. Tell them you have the answers. Send them a P M with your phone number. Ask them to identify the reasons for their actions. Demand answers. Tell them you are frustrated and feel abused by them and others. Seek the help you need.

You're right - I don't understand getting beaten up in a foreign country, getting home safely, never having to have any contact with that person again, and not only having contact with them, but petitioning them through the immigration process and exposing children and the elderly to them. Nope, don't understand it.

Saying I feel "abused" by them is quite a reach. And, for your other suggestions, nah, I'll pass...

[NY_BX 397]

I imagine there are more things at work besides feeling sorry. Oh well, we tried to be supportive that's all we can do. Clearly she knows the relationship is unhealthy but she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions. I can't help but be frustrated at all the drama and cries for help and then feeling sorry for someone who clearly doesn't want out of an unhealthy, abusive situation. It must be doing something for her.

It is frustrating and unfortunate. I just hope she opens her eyes before it's too late.

[NY_BX 397]

I'm not blaming her but there does come a point where people have to take personal responsibility for their choices. If someone abuses you, gets locked up and you have a PPO filed and all their belongings are out of your home and then you bring that person back in...I'd say that was a personal choice. But even before that, someone smacks you around in their home country and you come back to the US (thousands of miles away) and you still petition for them - again a personal choice was made. She obviously didn't ask to get beaten but she had a way out more than once and didn't take it.

Shame on you if you slap me once, shame on me if you slap me twice. Furthermore, shame on me to the 100th if you slapped me in your home country and I still petition you! No, this is not blaming the victim at all. This is about common sense and personal responsibility.

[Ning 619]

You're right - I don't understand getting beaten up in a foreign country, getting home safely, never having to have any contact with that person again, and not only having contact with them, but petitioning them through the immigration process and exposing children and the elderly to them. Nope, don't understand it.

Saying I feel "abused" by them is quite a reach. And, for your other suggestions, nah, I'll pass...

Of course you feel abused by them. They wont do what you want and are making your life miserable. I am not suprised at your lack of any real actions to help the very people you want to tell how to live their lives. What will you do to help them? You wont even help yourself.

As you said there are two members right here that have done what you dont want them to do. Why not ask them why they did it? You are critical of what they have done. Now is your chance to save two people from themselves. Do that and pass on to others your methods to end the very maddness that you say you cant understand. This is your chance to save the world from themselves. Reduce your own frustration by putting effort into the source of the frustration.

[msheesha 548]

Of course you feel abused by them. They wont do what you want and are making your life miserable. I am not suprised at your lack of any real actions to help the very people you want to tell how to live their lives. What will you do to help them? You wont even help yourself.

As you said there are two members right here that have done what you dont want them to do. Why not ask them why they did it? You are critical of what they have done. Now is your chance to save two people from themselves. Do that and pass on to others your methods to end the very maddness that you say you cant understand. This is your chance to save the world from themselves. Reduce your own frustration by putting effort into the source of the frustration.

Ignore button - pushed. Take care now.

[Ning 619]

Ignore button - pushed. Take care now.

You cant ignore the facts surrounding your own frustration and you inability to affect any change in others which only serves to increase your level of frustraion.

Thanks for your concerns about how I feel. I do feel better knowing how you feel.

[TracyTN 237]

It is a bit of a stretch to suggest that someone feels 'abused' by reading posts from others on this board. Depending on the content of course - but I wouldn't think that reading about an abused wife going back to an abusive husband would make a reader feel abused in turn.

[Danni and Hamza 36]

People who we as individuals believe need our help, will only accept our help when they truly want it. We can only put it out there, and share our concern. Wether they choose to take that offer of help or not is on them. At least we know we put it out there. As adults we have to make our own choice, and live with the consequences. I worked in a Domestic violence shelter for a year, and we would generally see the same women in the shelter about 5 times before they decided to end the relationship once and for all, if they did at all. I will never understand the psychology in this. When I saw the women leave the shelter and go back to their abusers, i just wanted to grab them and say " what are you doing???" This really would have been pointless, because if they are not listening to their children s cries, and their own families pleas... then why in the world would they listen to me. So all we did as a shelter when these women told us that they were going back to their abusers was to give them the tools and information to try to stay safe while living with an abuser, and to let them know our doors are always open. I think this is the approach that anyone needs to take with anyone in their lives who are being abused. They more you try to push help/ advice / judge the more they will push you away, and will be less likely to come to you, when they decide they finally want the help. Unless you have been in one of these relationships, you can never fully understand the psychology of why a woman goes back to the abuse. Even the women in these situations don't fully understand. There is alot of power and control issues, self esteem issues, crazy making ( when a man actually makes a women believe she is crazy), sometimes financial issues, maybe she feels she deserved it, doesn't want to split up a family, religious reasons, "love", fear of being alone, fear of retaliation, abuser may make her feel guilty (I cant live without you), family pressure,,,ect. We can only guess at the reasons. If we truly care about a person who is being abuse the right thing to do is to let them know we are concerned, and are there to help them,and not to judge them... and to help them find the tools they need. Maybe since we now know this VJ member is staying with the abuser we could help her think of some ideas to help keep herself and kids safe.

-Know where your local shelter is

- talk to them about a safety plan, and talking to a counselor, or attending groups

- Put fire escape ladders in your kids, and your room. He will believe they are there for fire safety. Use them to escape if things get violent, or for your kids to escape and alert a neighbor.

- Hide a escape bag, with clothes, money, medicine, pay as you go phone. If he takes your cell phone so that you can not call for help... you will have a spare. Give one to kids as well ? ( are your children old enough to have a phone, if not are they old enough to know how to dial 911)

- Do you have a closet he does not use often ? Put a lock on the inside of that door, and your pay as you go phone inside. You can lock yourself in here, until police arrive. If he doesn't use this closet he wont notice the new lock on the inside.

- Do you live in an apartment ? Ask neighbor on either side if you can come up with a code to knock on walls, if help is ever needed.

- Get a panic button, and give the receiver to a neighbor . You can carry this button, or glue it in a hidden area easy to access ( the inside roof of a drawer) and press this in an emergency.

- Memorize the number to a taxi service (in case he takes your car keys, to prevent you from leaving. - Do you have weapons in your house, that he has access to ? Can you get them out of the house ?

- If you feel abuse is coming is there a safer place in your home, where there are exits, and no weapons

Recognize abuse:

Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?

believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

wonder if you're the one who is crazy?

feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:

humiliate or yell at you?

criticize you and put you down?

treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

blame you for their own abusive behavior?

see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?

act excessively jealous and possessive?

hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

control where you go or what you do?

threaten to take your children away or harm them?

keep you from seeing your friends or family?

threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

force you to have sex?

limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

destroy your belongings?

constantly check up on you?

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you're hesitating—telling yourself that it's none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.

Do's and Don'ts

Do:

• Ask if something is wrong.
• Express concern.
• Listen and validate.
• Offer help.
• Support his or her decisions.

Don't:

• Wait for him or her to come to you.
• Judge or blame.
• Pressure him or her.
• Give advice.
• Place conditions on your support.

Info can be found at

http://www.helpguide...ses_effects.htm

Edited July 31, 2012 by Danni and Hamza