Abusive Relationships

[msheesha 548]

Recent posts have reminded me that some people view abuse as a cultural phenomenon, or something that will be resolved under the right circumstances (like living in America).

So, this is something of a plea to anyone who has been hit or treated poorly by your spouse/fiance still living in their country - LEAVE HIM THERE! Do not fool yourself into thinking that he won't beat or mistreat you in America, or it's just the stress of living in his homeland that leads him to beat you. If he's beaten you in his home country and you are safely in America- PLEASE LEAVE HIM IN HIS COUNTRY! It will not go away here.

I'm sure none of us want to judge anyone going through a difficult and/or abusive situation, even when it's hard to understand how anyone would petition for someone who's physically fought/abused/mistreated them in the home country. But, please if any of the VJ members are in this situation and the guy isn't here in America, please don't bring him here; it will only lead to more difficulties for you.

[Mithra 1,185]

Not only difficulties for you, possible difficulties for others as well. Willingly importing an abuser is basically bringing a criminal into the country. Someone who will not only abuse you but perhaps your children, your parents, other women...you get the idea.

Maybe we should discuss some of the warning signs to look for in case actual physical abuse hasn't taken place in the home country. Of course, if actual hitting, beating, slapping, pushing, etc. has taken place in the home country, it WILL continue in the US. It's not the country making the person abusive, it's the actual person that is abusive. If anyone thinks culture makes one abusive, what makes them think that will be left behind in the home country?

Also, I can't even begin to count how many abuse cases we've had in this forum in the past 6.5 yrs I've been a member here. Almost all of them stay with their abuser or go back at least one more time after leaving. It's so frustrating to become emotionally invested just to see the victim return to their abuser.

Edited July 30, 2012 by Mithra

[Bryan and Isabel 29]

Recent posts have reminded me that some people view abuse as a cultural phenomenon, or something that will be resolved under the right circumstances (like living in America).

So, this is something of a plea to anyone who has been hit or treated poorly by your spouse/fiance still living in their country - LEAVE HIM THERE! Do not fool yourself into thinking that he won't beat or mistreat you in America, or it's just the stress of living in his homeland that leads him to beat you. If he's beaten you in his home country and you are safely in America- PLEASE LEAVE HIM IN HIS COUNTRY! It will not go away here.

I'm sure none of us want to judge anyone going through a difficult and/or abusive situation, even when it's hard to understand how anyone would petition for someone who's physically fought/abused/mistreated them in the home country. But, please if any of the VJ members are in this situation and the guy isn't here in America, please don't bring him here; it will only lead to more difficulties for you.

Instead of "him" i believe that "them/they" would be more appropriate as this can be either way male or female abuse.

[Ning 619]

Recent posts have reminded me that some people view abuse as a cultural phenomenon, or something that will be resolved under the right circumstances (like living in America).

So, this is something of a plea to anyone who has been hit or treated poorly by your spouse/fiance still living in their country - LEAVE HIM THERE! Do not fool yourself into thinking that he won't beat or mistreat you in America, or it's just the stress of living in his homeland that leads him to beat you. If he's beaten you in his home country and you are safely in America- PLEASE LEAVE HIM IN HIS COUNTRY! It will not go away here.

I'm sure none of us want to judge anyone going through a difficult and/or abusive situation, even when it's hard to understand how anyone would petition for someone who's physically fought/abused/mistreated them in the home country. But, please if any of the VJ members are in this situation and the guy isn't here in America, please don't bring him here; it will only lead to more difficulties for you.

I am sure this non judgemental plea will cause many to simply wake up and change their minds about what they are doing. That is if they recovered from the last beating they suffered enough to think clearly. Just like the clouded thinking of those that feel they can persuade someone they dont know to undo what they have begun.

Anyone reading this would have filed to bring the person here already. If thats the case they must know if they have been abused. If so I feel badly for them but doubt they need to be told an address change will cause a behavior change.

[NY_BX 397]

This is disturbing and really unfortunate in many, many levels. Abusers are EVERYWHERE! So, first, to claim is cultural is nonsense. Now, is it accepted in some cultures more than others? maybe. However, that's no excuse for abuse, let alone coming to the US where abuse is a punishable offense. More importantly, Please please please, leave him/ her there!

You can hurt yourself more than anyone could ever do to you; and that is, by staying in a potentially fatal relationship. So, please, do not even start it.

[msheesha 548]

I am sure this non judgemental plea will cause many to simply wake up and change their minds about what they are doing. That is if they recovered from the last beating they suffered enough to think clearly. Just like the clouded thinking of those that feel they can persuade someone they dont know to undo what they have begun.

Anyone reading this would have filed to bring the person here already. If thats the case they must know if they have been abused. If so I feel badly for them but doubt they need to be told an address change will cause a behavior change.

Did you have a chance to read the most recent deleted threads?

There was a clearly expressed belief that the abuse was a "cultural" thing that would stop in America.

[Mithra 1,185]

I know this is long but I found much of it to be potentially helpful. It's Egypt related but obviously these things happen in other places as well.

VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN:

Violence against women is the most widespread, yet the least recognised human rights abuse in the world. It denies women and girls equality, security, dignity, self-worth and their right to enjoy basic freedoms. It is also a serious health problem, draining women's energy, compromising their physical health and eroding their self-esteem. Reports of abuse from around the world confirm that domestic violence is a pandemic to which no one is immune. It is difficult to know the extent of this pandemic because of the hidden nature of domestic violence. Not only do families try to hide it because the abuser may threaten to kill the abused victim if she tells, but women are often too ashamed to report such incidents. In many countries there are no legal or social sanctions against the abuse so there is nowhere for these women to turn.

Many men use abuse women to control and dominate them because they believe their masculine identity depends on this image. In some cultures, as in Egypt, societies approve of the 'disciplining' of wives and the majority of the population usually ignore incidents of domestic violence. Even if the police are notified, they may feel reluctant to intervene in domestic problems in respect for the privacy of the family or mistaken vision of marital rights. There seems to be a fear in the community that if we admit that family violence occurs, we challenge the idea of what family means - mainly love, sanction, respect, safety and security.

Several NGO's abroad, and a couple newly founded NGOs locally, tentatively offer counselling, legal advice, and other services to women who are victims of domestic violence, especially in rural areas, as they are easier to approach than upper class or middle class and educated women. These NGOs also prepare gender awareness programmes in the rural areas, for both males and females, in order to change their perspective of the traditional misguided concepts of their roles in society. But, also came to the conclusion, after their preliminary researches, that in general the police and the judiciary system consider the "integrity of the family" more important than the well being of the women of the family.

Domestic violence against women is a significant problem and is reflected in press accounts. According to a national study conducted in 2005 as part of a comprehensive demographic and health survey, one of every three women who have ever been married has been beaten at least once during marriage. Among those who have been beaten, less than half have ever sought help. Smaller, independent studies confirm that wife beating is common.

"Violence against women" means any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or private life. Violence against women encompasses physical, sexual and psychological violence occurring in the family, including battering, sexual abuse of female children in the household, marital rape, and other traditional practices harmful to women, as well as violence related to exploitation. Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behaviours aimed at gaining power in order to control an intimate partner. It is a pattern of assault and coercive behaviour, including psychological, sexual and physical abuse.

Types of Violence Against Women:

Some abusers will blame the victim for the abuse or use jealousy as an excuse as to why the abuse happened. All these types of violence are ways the perpetrator controls the victims' body and mind.

- Physical abuse:

Starting with the most notorious: FGM (female genital mutilation, starting when they are young girls). Not only is the act itself is primitive, but it is done in terrible unhygienic conditions with onlookers to add humiliation to the barbaric act, and scars the child physically and psychologically for life. Also, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, shoving, scratching, biting, throwing objects, threatening/attacking her with a weapon; locking her in/out of the house; abandoning her in a dangerous place; refusing to help her when you she is injured, sick or pregnant; deprivation of food; choking, pushing, tying her up; disfiguration; and finally, murder.

- Emotional (psychological) abuse:

Insulting/ignoring her; making her feel stupid/worthless; name calling and criticism; ridiculing her beliefs; humiliating her in public/private; intimidating or harassing her; monitoring her movements; being overly jealous or possessive; isolating her from family and friends; preventing her from going to school/college/work; attacking her children/pets; threatening to kill her/leave her/throw her out; threatening to kill himself or go mad if she leaves or does not do what he wants; threatening to harm family or property; coercing her into doing things that she find humiliating or against her moral/religious principles; lying, breaking promises, destroying trust; and/or false accusations, blaming her.

- Sexual abuse:

Making her wear clothes or to do sexual things that make her uncomfortable or does not want to do; forcing her to have sex when she does not want to; raping her or threatening to rape her; forcing her to have sex with other people;

- Marital rape:

In some countries, including Egypt, rape in marriage is not recognized by law, and in other countries where there is legal sanction against rape, many women do not define forced sex as rape if they are living with their attacker.

- Financial / material abuse:

Taking/spending her money;

Preventing her from having a job;

Taking or destroying her possessions;

Spending most of the money on himself or giving her a small or no allowance;

Expecting her to account for every cent or to do more with the money than is possible;

Harassing her to the point that you turn over your salary/pay-cheque as a way of avoiding further abuse;

Restricting access to resources (bank accounts, money, food, etc.)

a) Main Causes of Violence…

There is not one specific cause of violence. Absence of moral or spiritual teaching and exposure to media violence increase violence levels. We all experience trauma, stress, anger and fear, but an abusive man chooses to abuse, as a way of dealing with his problems. He uses excuses to avoid taking responsibility for his behaviour. Frequently he tries to blame the woman for the abuse by saying that she is a bad wife, a bad mother, or both; that she provokes him or asks for it. He needs her to believe that she is bad and stay dependent on him.

Poverty, illiteracy, and living in a small, crowded space, increases the risk of violence. Financial insecurity is another factor. If a man cannot establish his authority intellectually or economically, he will tend to do so physically. Domestic violence is exerting control, not losing control.

The understanding that violence against women is a gender issue is gradually being accepted. Also, on a larger scale, those who lack power in society are the most likely victims of violence; they are vulnerable because they lack the means to resist abuse, to escape from dangerous situations and to secure protection from society.

b) And Main Effects...

There are many different effects that are caused by domestic violence. Health may be impaired, which includes anything from minor injuries to chronic problems. Children and young women are also greatly affected through both experiencing and witnessing abuse.

Emotional violence is often worse than physical violence, because it leaves a deep-rooted scar in the soul. As one victim said: "The body mends soon enough. Only the scars remain… But the wounds inflicted upon the soul take much longer to heal. And each time I re-live those moments, they start bleeding all over again. The broken spirit has taken the longest to mend; the damage to the personality may be the most difficult to overcome".

http://www.egyptindependent.com/node/499745

[aaydrian 479]

Culture doesn't cause someone to become abusive but it sure can foster it. In some countries to witness a man smack a woman around is second nature because no one did anything about it while in others (America) women think that raising their hands to men is perfectly okay because 'males shouldn't hit females while males should turn the other cheek if a female should slap him' which stems from parents saying boys don't hit girls and not boys don't hit girls and girls don't hit boys.

One thing we must recognize is abusers know people/spouses who will allow them to get away with certain things, that is, who they can phuck up and who they can't phuck with. It's up to both parties to set their expectations at the onset of a relationship and when said relationship gets underway how conflicts will be resolved. If at the end of an argument or in time the male & or female is shouting then that's the tone of voice for all disagreements hence forth. If for whatever reason deserving or not someone gets hit then don't be surprised if this continues in the future. A lot of time the 'victims' know exactly what they're getting themselves into and jump in head first then whine about it when the situation becomes very hard to get out.

Anyway in the end it shouldn't be 'don't bring that woman/man beater here' but instead 'don't entertain any behaviour of an abuser period'.

Edited July 30, 2012 by aaydrian

[Ning 619]

Did you have a chance to read the most recent deleted threads?

There was a clearly expressed belief that the abuse was a "cultural" thing that would stop in America.

I feel sorry for anyone that is being abused. I find it impossible to believe that anyone in that situation would think importing the abuser to the USA would change anything other than the fact that here they can and will be put in jail.

I myself was once in an abusive relationship. As soon as it began I left the person. I didnt need the internet or anyone else to help me decide what to do. Abuse takes many forms and should never be tolerated. People are intelligent enough to know it when they experiance it and if they stay there are identified reasons for doing so.

[Mithra 1,185]

I can kind of understand the fear of leaving when the abuser lives in the same country. I cannot for the life of me understand being an ocean and thousands of miles apart from an abuser and bringing them here. That boggles the mind.

[NY_BX 397]

I can kind of understand the fear of leaving when the abuser lives in the same country. I cannot for the life of me understand being an ocean and thousands of miles apart from an abuser and bringing them here. That boggles the mind.

I have been updated on a daily basis and unfortunately, the individual is back in her home. Just as predicted, just as we feared. She feels sorry for him; she claims he'll be returning in a week. Needless to say, I don't believe it.

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

Unfortunately she is setting herself up for failure;

A MOTHER BURNED ALIVE BY HER HUSBAND

http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/A-Woman-Set-on-Fire-and-Burned-Alive-by-Her-Husband

[msheesha 548]

I feel sorry for anyone that is being abused. I find it impossible to believe that anyone in that situation would think importing the abuser to the USA would change anything other than the fact that here they can and will be put in jail.

I myself was once in an abusive relationship. As soon as it began I left the person. I didnt need the internet or anyone else to help me decide what to do. Abuse takes many forms and should never be tolerated. People are intelligent enough to know it when they experiance it and if they stay there are identified reasons for doing so.

Can you fathom what "identified reasons" there would be to go through the difficulty of immigration for someone who has abused you in their home country? There are now at least two people who've posted info about being slapped around in their husband or fiance's home country, and they still petitioned for him. I can't imagine the "identified reasons" for going through the trouble of the process to bring someone who has smacked you around to your home, when you have the safest out of all.

[Mithra 1,185]

I imagine there are more things at work besides feeling sorry. Oh well, we tried to be supportive that's all we can do. Clearly she knows the relationship is unhealthy but she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions. I can't help but be frustrated at all the drama and cries for help and then feeling sorry for someone who clearly doesn't want out of an unhealthy, abusive situation. It must be doing something for her.

I have been updated on a daily basis and unfortunately, the individual is back in her home. Just as predicted, just as we feared. She feels sorry for him; she claims he'll be returning in a week. Needless to say, I don't believe it.

[LaL 418]

Can you fathom what "identified reasons" there would be to go through the difficulty of immigration for someone who has abused you in their home country? There are now at least two people who've posted info about being slapped around in their husband or fiance's home country, and they still petitioned for him. I can't imagine the "identified reasons" for going through the trouble of the process to bring someone who has smacked you around to your home, when you have the safest out of all.

I think it shows that regardless of where the abuser is, the abused can still go through the motions that one might if living together/same vicinity. Writing off the behavior as a "bad day" or whatnot. There have been many over the years who have been battered and still petitioned. I used to be shocked that one would go through the effort to go through immigration with a SO like that, but as one has said "but we make up so gooooood". Alrighty then!