Wife misses home

[Apapaia 25]

When I was in the States with my husband, I felt so homesick that I even started second guessing my choice to move to the States. I come from a big Italian family (all the stereotypes applied) and I was born and raised in a quite big city (Naples) which is one of the most ancient towns in Italy. You can walk around in the street and find prehistoric sites as well as the most technological buildings. Traditions, dialect, sounds and life style are things that you are definitely going to miss. While talking to someone from your same country might help to numb the pain and the feeling that you're out of place, I think there are a few thing that the US spouse could do to help us immigrants spouses. The simplest is to learn a little bit the language, knowing that I can tell my husband basic Italian sentences and he will understand, is something that makes me feel more "at home". Cooking something typically Italian with my husband, helped too because it reminded me of what I used to do at home with my mother. Also I decided to start baking bread, because my sister owns a bakery and since the day it was opened the whole family got involved and worked there, so getting flour all over the place made me feel like some of my habits that define WHO I am, we're still there and weren't going anywhere. Although I understand the dialect of my hometown very good and can speak it too, I've never used it that much during my life in Italy but once I went to the States I started singing out loud songs in dialect because even just hearing your language makes you feel like you never left home. It's a long process of adjustment. I guess the best thing to do is not to fight the homesickness but kinda "embrace" it. I have pics of family and hometown all around the house and I try to look for places that I like in the States too. I think one day I'm gonna feel like I have two houses and while I miss one, I can still enjoy the one I'm living in.

I think the best advice I can give you is to try to recreate the normal "habitat" for your foreign spouse if that makes any sense. Moving from a country to a totally different country is horrible and hard and makes you feel COMPLETELY alone. But a lot of love, patience and some creativity can help going through the process easily. Good luck to all of you

[indiana_sweetie 120]

I enjoy reading everyone's posts. My husband isn't here yet, but I like to keep these things in mind. Though I can't second-guess how or when or if hubby gets homesick, I do anticipate him missing family, as they are so close knit there.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Hi all,

I'm sure this is a common problem, but as I don't know how anyone else has dealt with it, I'm feeling pretty isolated right now. Essentially, my wife of two years misses her home in Russia and really doesn't like it here. The only reason she decided to stay was our relationship, which I guess is a good thing in a way.

The problem is if we ever have any problems, I'm afraid the pull of home will exceed her then-current feelings for me.

I personally look at the situation like this: I moved across the country from my parents house in CA to NJ. It absolutely sucked for many years, and I missed home a lot. As time went by though, I built a life here and adapted to my environment. I think she just needs to give it time so she can assimilate into the culture, and as time goes by she will miss "home" less and start liking her life here more.

Anyone else gone through this? Am I possibly right, or is she doomed to always be torn between her family and husband? Obviously everyone is different, just trying to get some perspective.

Only everyone.

The only reason she SHOULD be here is her relationship with you. That is the reason she came and it is a very good one. She is homesick, so was my wife. How many times has she been back?

Alla was very homesick the first year and wanted to go back for 2 months the summer after she came. In my mind, I thought that was excessive but OK, I made no issue of it. She was ready to come back when the two months were up. We went again at Christmas/New Year's. The next summer she went for 1 month and started whining about coming home in 3 weeks. The next summer, she went for three weeks and complained most of the time about going "home".

Look, I try to be the best husband I can. I do anything for her I can every day. I think of things to do for her. If I SEE something I can do..I do it. I am not wealthy and I am not the most handsome guy in the world, but I AM reliable and dedicated and love my family very much and devote my life to them. That is an unbeatable combination. I do not worry.

Is there any guarantee? No. We still have our (her) flat in Ukraine. At any moment she could buy a ticket to Donetsk and go back to a fully furnished, fully paid for flat with a US college masters degree in Teaching English. I think she would do OK all by herself. She is a US citizen and could dump me and move anywhere she wants with anyone she wants right now. She doesn't, and I am not worried about it.

I would suggest you let her travel home as often as possible, she will be less homesick and also appreciate her life here more. We go twice per year but the times have been more brief. Our flat in Donetsk is a 5th floor walk up (the elevator broke 53 years ago). No car there, no air conditioning in the brutally hot summer, carrying groceries up 5 flights of stairs...she never noticed how bad the trolley bus smells until she had her own car. Y'see?

[Reyan 56]

I guess I was lucky my wife did not have a serious case of home sickness. I did promise my wife before coming to the US that she/we would visit her home country at least once a year to avoid her being home sick. She went back to Belarus for 3 weeks in August.

I planned a vacation next summer for us to visit Belarus, but my wife said no. We are expecting a newborn in spring and she said wants to wait until the baby is at least 2 years old before traveling back. Her brother and sister in law will visit us next year instead.

[The Mean Lady 604]

You guys all have neat things to make your spouses feel more at home.

What's funny is that, I'm dealing with a country that's as CLOSE to the US as possible, yet I fear I won't have a single thing to keep my husband from complaining because his biggest issue is the attitude of americans.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You guys all have neat things to make your spouses feel more at home.

What's funny is that, I'm dealing with a country that's as CLOSE to the US as possible, yet I fear I won't have a single thing to keep my husband from complaining because his biggest issue is the attitude of americans.

I started writing something else but I'm going to assume you didn't mean to make it sound like your husband is intentionally trying to tick you off by complaining about things.

I hated it here. For several months and I'll even go so far as to stay close to 2 years. Not every day but on certain days yes the attitude ticked me off (and funnily enough I behaved like "an American" when I first returned home to visit... hope not the entire time :S). Not just that though. I felt.. stupid. Stupid little things that should be easy for suddenly foreign to me (someone used the example of wanting to post a letter and having no idea how).

I didn't want to hate it here and complain and spend days missing "real" food. I didn't want to be mocked daily for using the "wrong" word. This not something your husband is doing TO YOU. It's not about you. It's about him, he will be grieving.

All you can really do is listen to him when he has bad days, because eventually they'll go away. And realise that his statements won't always be rational... goodness I know I had some doozies :S and he doesn't mean to make it sounds like he hates you and all American's, he's just having a bad day/week/moment.

Talk to him now about it. Tell him you're worried he's going to hate it here, and ask if there's anything you can do/prepare to make it less harsh for him. It does get better, it WILL get better. You just need to be ready to handle the rough spots.

[The Mean Lady 604]

Unfortunately, my husband already lived with me for a period of time in the states so he knows everything he's getting himself into. I have little sympathy for him. His other option was to get a full time job to support us in canada while we filed canadian paperwork and he didn't like that one.

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

There are 195 countries on Earth, but 6,800,000,000 people.

So I'd say, where you want to live is way more important to establish before you decide with whom to live there!

I lived in 6 European countries and visited 32 countries so far. There are only 3 places on this globe where I really would be happy to live (American Rivera, South of France, Northern Italy), but I'm sure there are at least a thousand women that would have make a wonderful spouse.

I read this quite often: couple falls in love, moves, but then the spouse is unhappy. Not unhappy with the relationship, but the environment. I could be married to the most wonderful woman on the planet, but if she lived in Cambodia, or Mongolia, I'd not be happy there. So I understand what you are dealing with, although I am having a hard time understanding why somebody would . . . um . . . love Russia. Then again, there are people who enjoy being spanked with a wooden board, so who am I to judge?

Either your wife will adjust, which is a normal process, as "normal" as it is needing to adjust, or she won't. In the former case it all will fall into place, in the latter you marriage will always lacking an essential component that you won't be able to provide.

Edited November 13, 2012 by Brother Hesekiel

[G0ds1ay3r 30]

2004 my wife who was then my girlfriend moved to New Zealand from America to be with me after we lived together for 6 months in 2003 when I visited America.

After a couple of year's we moved to America; I started feeling homesick after 3 years so we moved back to New Zealand a couple months shy of me being able to apply for US citizenship.

Fast forward to present time; we've been in New Zealand going on 4 years and have both been homesick for America for the entire time bar 2 weeks.

We are moving back to America end of this year; it is not paradise but we know what we are getting ourselves into; it just took a bit of moving around to realize this.

[cassecouilles 3]

I am the beneficiary and I worry about my move to the States. I have a good job here in Belgium, most of my family and friends live here and there is no other place in this world where I would rather live. But, then there's Rudy and I love him to death and it just makes more sense to live in the States since he has a house there and once he gets done with his deployment he wants to graduate. He hasn't lived in the states for the last 6 years that he's been in the military and he's so excited about finally living in his own house and us becoming a family there that I would never do anything to take that away from him.

Part of the reason I worry is because we have an 8 month old little boy. I know my family is going to have a very hard time with us leaving. I am going to miss being able to call my mom and ask her advice or just because, or even to just hop in the car and go visit her or my best friend.

I will miss all the familiar things,"real" bread, "good" cheese, all the products (food, shampoo, medication, etc.) that I am used to using for our baby. Aside from my fiance and his family, I won't KNOW anyone. I won't have a job and will have to start from zero for everything. No matter how much you love your partner, that stuff is scary.

I've tried telling him this because I believe it's important to be honest at all times. He needs to know these worries I have so he won't be surprised when I'm sad or lonely once I've been in the states for a bit. He needs to understand that it's not about him and that I don't love him any less but that it's an inevitable process that I'll have to go through. The first time I did tell him thishe actually got defensive: "what, you don't want to come anymore?" Now he's done some research and told me there's a pretty big Belgian and spanish community in Detroit, that we'd stock up on Belgian chocolate and beer and that we'll visit Belgium at least once a year and have my family come over as often as I want :-)

Communication, patience, love and understanding. I think those are the 4 things that'll help you through the move.

[The Mean Lady 604]

I am the beneficiary and I worry about my move to the States. I have a good job here in Belgium, most of my family and friends live here and there is no other place in this world where I would rather live. But, then there's Rudy and I love him to death and it just makes more sense to live in the States since he has a house there and once he gets done with his deployment he wants to graduate. He hasn't lived in the states for the last 6 years that he's been in the military and he's so excited about finally living in his own house and us becoming a family there that I would never do anything to take that away from him.

Part of the reason I worry is because we have an 8 month old little boy. I know my family is going to have a very hard time with us leaving. I am going to miss being able to call my mom and ask her advice or just because, or even to just hop in the car and go visit her or my best friend.

I will miss all the familiar things,"real" bread, "good" cheese, all the products (food, shampoo, medication, etc.) that I am used to using for our baby. Aside from my fiance and his family, I won't KNOW anyone. I won't have a job and will have to start from zero for everything. No matter how much you love your partner, that stuff is scary.

I've tried telling him this because I believe it's important to be honest at all times. He needs to know these worries I have so he won't be surprised when I'm sad or lonely once I've been in the states for a bit. He needs to understand that it's not about him and that I don't love him any less but that it's an inevitable process that I'll have to go through. The first time I did tell him thishe actually got defensive: "what, you don't want to come anymore?" Now he's done some research and told me there's a pretty big Belgian and spanish community in Detroit, that we'd stock up on Belgian chocolate and beer and that we'll visit Belgium at least once a year and have my family come over as often as I want :-)

Communication, patience, love and understanding. I think those are the 4 things that'll help you through the move.

Uhg I know how you feel on the baby thing.

My husband's mom is on disability in canada so she's home 24/7.

She's also estranged from her other kids and grand kids so I felt so excited to eventually give her something that she could actually enjoy. Not to mention, she would LOVE baby sitting for us WHENEVER because she's not had any chance to see her already 11 year old grand kid.

Unfortunately, we're moving, and I'm not even sure my husband has told her.

I have vowed that we HAVE to come up consistently to see her because I'm virtually taking away her only kid and I feel so bad =[

My mom works with me in the states, so not like she'll ever be babysitting

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

Of all the European countries I would choose to live (outside the former iron curtain), Belgium must be among the last 3, joined by Yugoslavia (I still call it that) and the Czech Republic (same). Just plain awful, with awful weather to top it off. The Netherlands, sure. France, yes. But Belgium? I can buy chocolate everywhere . . .

[cassecouilles 3]

Of all the European countries I would choose to live (outside the former iron curtain), Belgium must be among the last 3, joined by Yugoslavia (I still call it that) and the Czech Republic (same). Just plain awful, with awful weather to top it off. The Netherlands, sure. France, yes. But Belgium? I can buy chocolate everywhere . . .

Where one would rather live is very subjective :-) I like Belgium because I've lived here most of my life, it's home. It's also a pretty good place to be at, I think. A good social security system (too good one might say since it's easily taken advantage of), good food, good health care system, good education system... As for the weather, I don't think it's that bad. We don't get any major nature disasters, it doesn't get too cold or too hot and yeah sure it can be rainy and grey... I'm sure Belgium doesn't hold the monopoly on that. How many times have you been to Belgium that you feel compelled to bash it that way?

[The Mean Lady 604]

Ive heard Belgium and Denmark are lovely places to live and Belgium wasnt even overly expensive if I remember Correctly

[rade2rising 205]

its good idea to have your wife go out more and meet new ppl and make new friends but plz be careful you dont lose her this way. this is a dangerous place. look after your wife at all times and trust no one. ppl will laugh but its very important.