Wife misses home

[Comlink 0]

Hi all,

I'm sure this is a common problem, but as I don't know how anyone else has dealt with it, I'm feeling pretty isolated right now. Essentially, my wife of two years misses her home in Russia and really doesn't like it here. The only reason she decided to stay was our relationship, which I guess is a good thing in a way.

The problem is if we ever have any problems, I'm afraid the pull of home will exceed her then-current feelings for me.

I personally look at the situation like this: I moved across the country from my parents house in CA to NJ. It absolutely sucked for many years, and I missed home a lot. As time went by though, I built a life here and adapted to my environment. I think she just needs to give it time so she can assimilate into the culture, and as time goes by she will miss "home" less and start liking her life here more.

Anyone else gone through this? Am I possibly right, or is she doomed to always be torn between her family and husband? Obviously everyone is different, just trying to get some perspective.

Edited July 26, 2012 by Comlink

[canadian_wife 1,829]

First, you need to put your insecurities aside.

Does your wife work or have friends outside of 'couple friends'? Is there a Russian organization or church she can join to surround herself with people in a similar situation for support?

She will miss home less in time. It has become your job to make this place her home

Good luck - this is a common problem

[X Factor 1,112]

You are right - it will take some time for her to adjust. Does she have any friends? Are there any folks in the Russian community in the area that she can befriend?

[LlamaInvasion 76]

Hi, I've been in the US for a total of just under five and a half years now (4 years of college, and almost a year and a half as a green card holder). We made the joint decision to stay here due to my husband's education, job prospects, and because I speak his language and he doesn't speak mine. Honestly, I'm still homesick, and it got infinitely worse after we had our child together. I have friends. I have hobbies. I have everything I need, but I just don't like the culture as much as I do my own, and that's never going to change - I will always prefer my home country (Norway) to America. I love visiting. There are a lot of things I love here. But I don't love living here permanently. We've been speaking about this a lot lately, and if this degree of homesickness continues, we will probably give Norway a shot together (we're talking 3-4 years down the road).

The main question we handled in our conversations were, "Would we rather be in our preferred country, but divorced? Or would we rather be together?" It was also important that we not just come at the problem from one side. the question was NOT, "Would I rather be in my home country, or stay married?" because that's an ultimatum, and that's not good. My husband isn't exactly eager to move to my country, but he says that I was willing to move halfway across the world for him - there is no earthly reason why he shouldn't be willing to at least give me the same chance. If we do move to my country and he's equally as unhappy as I am, years down the road, then we need to have a conversation again. But until then, we're going to be trying every compromise to make this work.

Meanwhile, here in America, my husband and I made the move to a bigger city (we moved to Pittsburgh from the middle of nowhere), and that helped a LOT. Having people to see, more things to do, mommy groups, etc. Meetup.Org is the first website I visit in the day. My husband also goes to great lengths to ensure my traditions from back home stays with me here (like, we celebrate Norway's national day, eat like Norwegians do, open presents on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day and such), just like I'll be doing for him if we do move. You are right about one thing though; even though I don't miss home less, I do like my life here more now. And that helps a lot.

[ThailandToIndiana 11]

My wife swears up and down she's going to be fine living in America, but I'm not so sure. While the weather in Florida is comparable to that in Thailand, everything else is a huge difference. My wife is a devout Buddhist and there are no Buddhist temples even remotely near where we will be living. My wife loves Thai food (as do I), yet the Thai restaurants in the area barely qualify as a "Thai" restaurant. There aren't any Thai social groups in the area (I've checked numerous times). And so on, and so on. Still, I come from a very close family, who my wife is in communication with even though they've not met in person yet, and I'm sure she'll have a good time...but that really isn't a substitute for her own family and culture.

The absolute last thing I want is for my wife to be miserable in the States. While missing her native country will be an issue at first, I don't want it to be an on-going issue. So, I've enrolled in college to get a Bachelor's degree in ESL (will have it in January). I will then being the process of obtaining my Master's degree in ESL. What this will do is provide me with a way to work in both the States and in Thailand. That way, if my wife is still homesick after 3 or 4 years we can move to Thailand without stressing about how I'll be able to support the family. Another bonus is teachers have summers off, which will allow us to go to Thailand every 3 or 4 years for a few months, which will help with any homesick issue she has.

I previously lived in Thailand for a year and loved it. If my wife decides she'd rather live there after giving the States a shot, I won't have a problem with it.

My point is sometimes you have to find non-conventional ways to make things work. If changing my career field will ensure my wife and I can stay together no matter what country we live in, then so be it. Look into what jobs are available to foreigners in your wife's native country. The time to do that would be now...not when your wife is so fed up with the States that she departs for her native country with a tentative plan for you to join her there sometime in the future.

Best of luck to you. I hope things work out for the best.

[Comlink 0]

Thank you everyone for your replies. She actually only has a couple friends here: one from Ukraine and one from Peru. She still feels isolated and lonely, and I think this is the biggest issue, rather than any specific cultural thing. Just yesterday I came home from work, and she was crying. She had been off so had been home all day without me, and was extremely lonely. Seeing me made her feel a lot better, but I think she really needs to meet more people - preferably from home.

Oh, one major thing I forgot to mention in my original post: we live in SOUTH JERSEY! Everything is worse just because of that!

Anyways, I have actually offered her the alternative of me moving there if she just absolutely can't live here. I want to give it several years though, in which time I'll learn Russian also.

[lurgy 0]

Hi all,

I'm sure this is a common problem, but as I don't know how anyone else has dealt with it, I'm feeling pretty isolated right now. Essentially, my wife of two years misses her home in Russia and really doesn't like it here. The only reason she decided to stay was our relationship, which I guess is a good thing in a way.

The problem is if we ever have any problems, I'm afraid the pull of home will exceed her then-current feelings for me.

I personally look at the situation like this: I moved across the country from my parents house in CA to NJ. It absolutely sucked for many years, and I missed home a lot. As time went by though, I built a life here and adapted to my environment. I think she just needs to give it time so she can assimilate into the culture, and as time goes by she will miss "home" less and start liking her life here more.

Anyone else gone through this? Am I possibly right, or is she doomed to always be torn between her family and husband? Obviously everyone is different, just trying to get some perspective.

The first thing is to not take it too personally. Many Americans can't understand why you would NOT love everything about America, and the fear that your wife will just pack up and go home is very scary, of course.

Please give it time, she will adjust but will probably always miss the country she grew up in, and has family in.

My Mother lived in England for nearly 50 years and there wasn't a day she didn't miss being 'home' in Ireland. Not to slight your experience of moving-it's very, very different experience moving across the country, to moving across the World.

I miss home and always will, but I chose to come to America to be with my Husband, and when things go wrong I damn and blast the place-but I'm still here.

[rlogan 2,036]

there is no earthly reason why he shouldn't be willing to at least give me the same chance.

We feel the same way. I think that helps too because if you feel like you will never go back there is more despair.

[sms78 18]

My wife swears up and down she's going to be fine living in America, but I'm not so sure. While the weather in Florida is comparable to that in Thailand, everything else is a huge difference. My wife is a devout Buddhist and there are no Buddhist temples even remotely near where we will be living. My wife loves Thai food (as do I), yet the Thai restaurants in the area barely qualify as a "Thai" restaurant. There aren't any Thai social groups in the area (I've checked numerous times). And so on, and so on. Still, I come from a very close family, who my wife is in communication with even though they've not met in person yet, and I'm sure she'll have a good time...but that really isn't a substitute for her own family and culture.

The absolute last thing I want is for my wife to be miserable in the States. While missing her native country will be an issue at first, I don't want it to be an on-going issue. So, I've enrolled in college to get a Bachelor's degree in ESL (will have it in January). I will then being the process of obtaining my Master's degree in ESL. What this will do is provide me with a way to work in both the States and in Thailand. That way, if my wife is still homesick after 3 or 4 years we can move to Thailand without stressing about how I'll be able to support the family. Another bonus is teachers have summers off, which will allow us to go to Thailand every 3 or 4 years for a few months, which will help with any homesick issue she has.

I previously lived in Thailand for a year and loved it. If my wife decides she'd rather live there after giving the States a shot, I won't have a problem with it.

My point is sometimes you have to find non-conventional ways to make things work. If changing my career field will ensure my wife and I can stay together no matter what country we live in, then so be it. Look into what jobs are available to foreigners in your wife's native country. The time to do that would be now...not when your wife is so fed up with the States that she departs for her native country with a tentative plan for you to join her there sometime in the future.

Best of luck to you. I hope things work out for the best.

no temple. that's hard I think. I remember when my ex-boyfriend's mom was visiting us in LA from Thailand, she went to Thai temple nearby 3-4 times within a week of stay...! That particular temple had a lot of food venders that serve authentic Thai food too.

[sms78 18]

Thank you everyone for your replies. She actually only has a couple friends here: one from Ukraine and one from Peru. She still feels isolated and lonely, and I think this is the biggest issue, rather than any specific cultural thing. Just yesterday I came home from work, and she was crying. She had been off so had been home all day without me, and was extremely lonely. Seeing me made her feel a lot better, but I think she really needs to meet more people - preferably from home.

Oh, one major thing I forgot to mention in my original post: we live in SOUTH JERSEY! Everything is worse just because of that!

Anyways, I have actually offered her the alternative of me moving there if she just absolutely can't live here. I want to give it several years though, in which time I'll learn Russian also.

yes, she definitely needs friends from her country. It's SO important. Please please help her find a Russian community. I still think it will take some time to make friends, so I recommend getting a puppy for her if she likes one and willing to takes care. It's the best way to ease up loneliness. She needs a company.

[M&Pooh 12]

I was willing to move halfway across the world for him - there is no earthly reason why he shouldn't be willing to at least give me the same chance.

Well, it depends. I expect somebody moving from US to Norway to have culture shock several times slighter than someone moving from US to Russia.

[LlamaInvasion 76]

Well, it depends. I expect somebody moving from US to Norway to have culture shock several times slighter than someone moving from US to Russia.

It doesn't "depend." I was explaining our situation, I was not saying this is the case for every couple out there.

I was also not comparing moving to/from Norway with moving to/from Russia.

[akihon 129]

I have lived in the US for 5 years now (F-1 to H-1 and currently AOS) and I have never ever preferred my home country over the US. I miss my country's food, but there are enough resources here to make my own version that's close enough. I do not understand how people cannot like the culture here in the US (minus the shootings of course, and the dumb politics). Maybe it's because I'm treated as a second class citizen in my country.

Edited August 2, 2012 by mebbe

[Psoas10 17]

It can be hard it everything is so different, and not being around people like her. My wife does not miss home much. It is like she just moved from one area of PI to another.

[ThailandToIndiana 11]

no temple. that's hard I think. I remember when my ex-boyfriend's mom was visiting us in LA from Thailand, she went to Thai temple nearby 3-4 times within a week of stay...! That particular temple had a lot of food venders that serve authentic Thai food too.

Yes, it's going to be difficult for her sometimes with no temple around. Fortunately we both like to take little trips to random places, so I'll search on-line before we go somewhere in the States and see if there's a Buddhist temple in the area that we can visit. But, there are all types of things she does in Thailand that will be more difficult in Florida, like buying flowers for the vehicle before setting out on a road trip (they get hung from the rearview mirror)...there aren't people walking around on the street selling flowers in FL like they do in Thailand.

Fortunately she'll still be able to do things like bless the home (fresh fruit, a glass of water, and incense will be put out on the lanai, for example). Maybe we'll purchase a small spirit house in Thailand before flying to the States so we can put that on the lanai, which I'm sure will make her feel better about living there. One of the reasons I love my wife is her dedication to her religion and I don't want her to loose that for lack of places to worship, so I'll do what I can.