Happy Couples ....

[inlovebutstressed 1]

Hey VJ folks I was just hearing lots of horror stories and oh do I feel for those who have to actually live them, but I was just wondering about those that have been over the whole process of paperwork etc. and are still happily married. If you guys are out there please share some stories of how you have made the transition to american life and how the mesh of cultures are working or not always ...but just share some hope as most Egyptians I talk to here say horrible things also about the success of these marriages and how many are users,liars,abusers etc.I know there are great cultural differences and I would like to hear about those things blending,(like how maybe I can substitute re-fried beans for what they call "fool" at least that's what it's like to me lol ). I feel I have a great fiance as surely everyone does and definitely I feel we will one day be able to share these stories with other future VJ folks. I met a couple on the plane on one of my trips to Egypt and I must say she was a very happy woman 15 years later and they have a home in Egypt and I think Michigan, but it was nice to talk to her about things like cooking styles ( like how they boil meat first, and sure enough when I stayed with his family his mom boiled everything first ),cultural things and she was happy to tell me how they are still happily taking care of each other 15 years later.I think maybe the key to that was they are taking care of each other which intern means really loving each other to me.They both had previous marriage and children but they all have blended well. I hear many stories of the dominate husbands and I wonder if the lack of communication tools also creates more issues when sometimes culturally they feel like women should just obey. I have a young man and he thankfully does not work things out without tons of conversation so I know not all of these men are subject to this type of behavior.Any tips on this transition are greatly appreciated, or stories of couples still making it work would be great.I promised my fiance I would start this topic and I really hope to get some great feed back. I really hope that the only people on here years after are not only seeking divorce guidance.Thanks in advance to all who reply !!

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

*** Moving from K1 to MENA forum as OP is asking about Egyptian couples, and as happy couples still together are more likely to read that forum than the K1 ***

[Danni and Hamza 36]

Here is a link to a good thread, about this topic. http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/362974-looking-for-mena-success-stories/page__pid__5409938__st__360#entry5409938. I think this thread is only a couple moths old. It seems there r alot of happy married ppl on vj MENA. I am happy! I don't know about this cultural thing that some talk about , where MENA men think women must obey. That certainly is not my relationship, and quite honestly dosnt sound like a marriage at all. We have not had too many adjustments culturally, a few misunderstanding all the normal marriage ups and downs. I can't complain, life is good... And he cooks and does dishes bonus!

[Danni and Hamza 36]

Oh and just wanted to add that I don't think the dominate man thing ( women must obey) is cultural. Power control issues and abuse is everywhere. Check out the US stats on domestic violence. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, on average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Is it cultural for US men?

[Danni and Hamza 36]

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/355679-has-marriage-life-been-what-you-expected/page__st__15 I think I meant to send you this topic. Sorry about so many posts. I am Scatter brained today, up since 3 am

[sweetlymystic 19]

Oh and just wanted to add that I don't think the dominate man thing ( women must obey) is cultural. Power control issues and abuse is everywhere. Check out the US stats on domestic violence. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, on average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Is it cultural for US men?

I JUST LOOOOOVED YOUR VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TWO ARE SO PRECIOUS! MANY BLESSINGS FOR A BEAUTIFUL LOVING LIFE TOGETHER... MELISSA

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Welcome to VJ MENA inlovedbutstressed! Are you Egyptian? I've only known three Egyptian females on this site. Two were born and raised in the States and one came from Egypt. If you're Muslim there are plenty of those on here too that could offer advice on dietary requirements. Through my Egyptian spouse I've discovered that only the vegetarian refried beans in a can are acceptable because we don't know what kind of lard they say they use in the regular brand. Most of the time we get pinto beans in raw from in the bag from the store. They are much cheaper than the Egyptian beans and the taste is similar I hear. We make batches of it ourselves. If you go out to eat at Mexican food places here they often cook their rice and beans with the leftover lard from bacon they cook in the morning to make them more tasty. So be sure to ask if they do this before you eat it. Also some of the chocolate here carries pig lard. You have to read the labels on things and if it says "natural ingredients" in fine print then know you may be taking a risk because you don't know what those natural ingredients are unless you call the company and ask. There are many stores that sell halal items you just have to see if one is avaliable in your area. Also try googling what the local mosque or islamic center will be in your area that you're going to live. They may have an email you can write them at and they can direct you the women's group and they are very helpful with tips. They may even have a facebook page like our Islamic center does and even our women's group for our city and a facebook page from muslim women in the city. Those would probably be the most helpful with adjustments to the States, cooking questions, making friends, and find items and stores in your area. The Islamic centers I've visited have a diverse group of immigrants and married couples from various Muslim countries. I know many happy long term Egyptian couples in the States that are also not on VJ. Unfortunately often times the horror shows online here get the most attention and are talked about the longest while many of the long term happily married couples, who are finished with the process or mostly finished with the process, move on with there lives from the years of being online, and waiting to be together to being together in person, and more offline. Sometimes more senior members like this will check in from time to time but you have to stick around awhile to see it.

As for the obeying and dominate husband topic that seems to be a touchy subject as you've seen by some of the replies already. I get it though. The Wife obeying the Husband is kind of a cultural thing in Egypt and if you're a good muslim husband and wife it will mean something different to you then if one is a muslim and the other is another religion or no religion. The Arab men have a pride of being the leader of the family and that doesn't mean without respecting their Wives too. The men have their duties such as providing for the Wife and family while the women have their duties such as cooking and cleaning and taking care of the home. It's more a traditional way of thinking than a progressive or liberal western society way of thinking. I think when they talk about obeying the husband just wants love, trust and respect and in return he gives that to his wife and family. They don't like to be told no in public because it seems disrespectuful, but you will have an ear for discussion about an issue in private. I suspect it also comes from a more ancient patriarical society where the men are the leaders and elder of the tribes and they have a brotherhood and make the important decisions for the community. Some men who may have ignorance, corruption or evil in their hearts will take this message out of context and manipulate it for bad purposes. Some version of this can also happen in every society.

[Mithra 1,185]

Yes, there are happy couples that are married to Egyptian men or other MENA men. I'm sure those stories give hope and reassurance that it is possible. If your fiance is good to you in Egypt and you don't feel that he is hiding anything or acting strangely, you should be ok. I know that a lot of people say their husbands suddenly turn on them when they get to the US or after they obtain their PR status but I don't entirely believe that. I believe that there are warning signs given almost from the beginning of a relationship that would signal something isn't right. Just be alert to anything that may seem unusual or unacceptable to you. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. That's the best advice I could give at this point. A good man will not have major issues if you don't cook the best food or keep the cleanest, most organized house, etc. A good man will not try to control you or make you change your personality to adjust to his comfort level or his "culture". Yes, there will be adjustments when he comes to the U.S. Yes, you will have misunderstandings and arguments like any married couple. These things are normal IMO. What is not normal is abuse, control, infidelity, manipulation, unusual amounts of secrecy, deceit, etc. You get the idea.

I've been married to my Egyptian husband for 6.5 yrs. He's been in the US for a little over 5 yrs. My husband has PR status for roughly 4 yrs now with no real plans for citizenship just yet but I imagine it will happen eventually. I have two children from a previous marriage and we have one child together. We have had adjustment issues and hard times but we've been able to work through those issues. We have arguments and misunderstandings like most couples but we talk through them and work them out. Personally, we don't have issues with communication. We both like to talk, in general. My husband is great with our kids and had no real issue taking on his role as a stepdad. He's like a big kid anyways so that helped. My husband understands that I'm not superwoman. With a full time job, house and 3 kids, I'm a very busy woman so I don't always have time to cook big meals or keep the house in tip top shape (as much as it pains me) and he's fine with it. I'm thankful for my life and family and how things have progressed over the years.

I hope all that was helpful.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I agree with the first part about what Mirtha says about good men too.

I also wanted to add that I send you my best wishes on your journey.

[RFQ 110]

My experience is there are bad men everywhere. I've known many abusive American men and I have personal experience with one. The good thing is, I know better this time. I know the warning signs and can spot a bad man from a mile away.

From what I have come to know about MENA men is that in general you don't ever want to correct them in front of people in public. If you got a problem you take it in private. My husband says he handles outside affairs outside and I'm the boss of the household affairs, lol but we always consult each other's opinion anyways. We joke all the time when he's doing dishes or cooking that his mom would probably roll over, because that "women's work" to her. My husband thinks I'm superwoman for trying to run the whole house on my own with no maid or single parenting as I have prior to him getting here.

Now I'm not technically qualified to answer the long term question. I've known him 3 years but this last 2 months is the only extended time I have with him. We live in an extremely stressful situation and he is so laid back. He's jumped right in to caring for his stepchildren and my elderly grandfather. I'm in college so that means he's often running the show on his own. I can only see good things for our future and I anticipate being able to call myself a long term happy relationship in a few years. My proud Egyptian is never to proud to bend down and help his wifey or say he's sorry. (I have tested this theory:P) He'd rather stay in Egypt but he'd move anywhere to be with me.

Edited July 27, 2012 by RFQ

[Mithra 1,185]

I would hope no one would call their husbands out in public, Arab or otherwise. That's just common sense, I think.

[LaL 418]

Yeah we are still around, still married, still happy. I don't interact or treat him like an alien, or any differently than I would anyone else I have in my life.

[sandinista! 1,816]

I've found treating my husband like a novelty item has been

very beneficial for us. I highlight all his weird and foreign foreign-ness at every possible turn, and it's working out really well.

[RFQ 110]

I would hope no one would call their husbands out in public, Arab or otherwise. That's just common sense, I think.

You would hope, but he says it happens there, and I see it happen in the states too. In fact, over the 4th of July one woman was tearing into her man the whole way up the stairs to the monument me and my 3 year old was going to see. I felt so bad for the guy though he should have some back bone >.< She got to the point on her tirade that she was cussing and I stopped on the stairs- turned around, and said "Do YOU Mind??" Then I pointed at my 3 year old and said " I got a little kid here ya know." (I caught an apologetic smile from the guy who looked pleased.

I wouldn't do that to anybody- my child or my husband included. Not everyone was raised proper- American, or MENA's alike. For my husband though, that was a BIG deal, so much that at the beginning he highlighted that it was one of the few things that would make him very upset

Edited July 27, 2012 by RFQ

[Mithra 1,185]

I know it happens, I've seen it. That doesn't make it right. I believe that if one has a tendency to do this they aren't going to stop just because they were told that MENA men don't like this. Grown adults really shouldn't have to be told not to yell at, berate or "correct" anyone in public. I don't believe in correcting my husband ever as he's not a child.