We're different people than we were before marriage...

[Between 0]

This is, of course, a second account or "sock puppet" since I don't want to sully our main account's reputation.

I am a USC by birth; my wife currently has a 2-year GC.

We became friends in 2004, grew closer, and decided to be a couple. We tried repeatedly to get her a tourist visa so she could come see where I lived and what my life was like, but they wouldn't give her one. I was working 6 part-time jobs, but in 2009 I got a full-time one (yay!) and dropped all but 2 of the part-time ones.

So we got engaged (in her country) in early 2010, did I-129F and married later that year. Fortunately I got a raise right after that, because things surrounding the wedding in her country were very expensive and maxed out all my credit and loans - without the raise I'd never even have been able to make the payments.

So she moved in, money was tight, there were some medical expenses before I could get her onto my health insurance from work, and so on. Then she got her work authorization and GC - at the same time as she got pregnant! (This is not a bad thing - she wanted to be a mom, and I was fine with having a kid, and besides, getting her pregnant was fun! It was a difficult pregnancy, but we have a cute 6-month-old to show for it.

Anyway, getting back to the subject... since she could never get a tourist visa, she only ever interacted with me when I was able to go visit her country, and at those times, I was usually more or less in vacation mode - only once did I go there for one of my 3 jobs. And by corollary, I only interacted with her on her "home turf" where she had all her friends and family around, and her job, and so on and so forth.

When she got here, she "discovered" (as in, I had told her repeatedly, but she didn't internalize it or something) that I live in an old house in a poor part of a poor town, I work long hours and frequently am gone for a week or two at a time, and so on and so forth. If you think that's bad, though, I discovered that she has a very short and hot temper (she's kinda short and hot too, come to think of it!), and once she's mad, it takes a very long time for her to get over it.

Tonight, she got mad over a perceived slight (we are both English speakers, but come from different cultures and have trouble with wording sometime) to the point that in addition to her usual drama of screaming and cursing at me loudly enough that the neighbors call to ask if we're okay, she threw things at me, and threw porcelain down the stairs, shattering it.

Obviously, this is getting into the realm of domestic violence/abuse, and I'm worried about what might happen to our baby if my wife is mad and not thinking straight. This is hardly the first time I've seen her temper, and I've certainly thought long and hard about whether this is going to work out for us, but I really want it to - after all, most things I could do (refuse to support removal of conditions, refuse to give her the notarized letter she wants saying it's okay for her to take our baby back to her country for a month, file VAWA, or whatever) would only have sad endings.

So I'm kind of wondering whether there are family and marriage counselors that deal specifically with the issues facing immigrants and their families, or anger-management classes for immigrants...

[sabi 148]

While I won't be able to answer your question, fair play to you for trying to solve the problem you guys have, instead of sending your wife back home

Unfortunately most of us, going through the long distance relationships and this process, forget that it might not be as we imagined or planned most of us have never been living together for more than a few days/weeks or more lucky ones, months! That again was usually just holidays and we never had to face real life problems...We think and believe we know each other but we are too busy with all the paper work, missing each other and being impatient to realize that not everything might be as it seemed...

Good luck to you guys! Hope it will all work out for you!

[BethandBilly 86]

Have you guys tried family/marriage counselling?

Is your wife a good Mother, by the sounds of it you're not too sure and you're starting to worry your little one is going to get hurt due to your wifes actions, if so you need to start thinking about whats right for your little one. How is your wife bonding with the little one? Is there a chance she could have Post Natal Depression? Are you helping out as much as you can with the baby and is your wife getting a break when needed? Was your wife always hot tempered and prone to breaking things, if so you may really want to think about protecting yourself and your baby, start recording the outbursts.

Can I be honest I wouldn't be quick to give your wife permission to take the baby to her home country for a month, not until you get this situation sorted out. I was never asked by Immigration if I had my husbands permission to take our kiddo out of the US, I guess it was automatically assumed it was ok, due to my son having a passport.

You don't file VAWA as you are the USC, your wife could apply for it if she wanted to say you were abusive to her and instead of wanting to go home wanted to stay in the US.

Honestly start recording the outburts, because further on down the line you may need proof of abuse, if you are worried about your little one, why not set up some Nanny cams and see whats going on at home when you're at work, that way you're protecting your baby.

Good Luck with whatever you decide, but remember your baby is relying on you to protect her/him.

This is, of course, a second account or "sock puppet" since I don't want to sully our main account's reputation.

I am a USC by birth; my wife currently has a 2-year GC.

We became friends in 2004, grew closer, and decided to be a couple. We tried repeatedly to get her a tourist visa so she could come see where I lived and what my life was like, but they wouldn't give her one. I was working 6 part-time jobs, but in 2009 I got a full-time one (yay!) and dropped all but 2 of the part-time ones.

So we got engaged (in her country) in early 2010, did I-129F and married later that year. Fortunately I got a raise right after that, because things surrounding the wedding in her country were very expensive and maxed out all my credit and loans - without the raise I'd never even have been able to make the payments.

So she moved in, money was tight, there were some medical expenses before I could get her onto my health insurance from work, and so on. Then she got her work authorization and GC - at the same time as she got pregnant! (This is not a bad thing - she wanted to be a mom, and I was fine with having a kid, and besides, getting her pregnant was fun! It was a difficult pregnancy, but we have a cute 6-month-old to show for it.

Anyway, getting back to the subject... since she could never get a tourist visa, she only ever interacted with me when I was able to go visit her country, and at those times, I was usually more or less in vacation mode - only once did I go there for one of my 3 jobs. And by corollary, I only interacted with her on her "home turf" where she had all her friends and family around, and her job, and so on and so forth.

When she got here, she "discovered" (as in, I had told her repeatedly, but she didn't internalize it or something) that I live in an old house in a poor part of a poor town, I work long hours and frequently am gone for a week or two at a time, and so on and so forth. If you think that's bad, though, I discovered that she has a very short and hot temper (she's kinda short and hot too, come to think of it!), and once she's mad, it takes a very long time for her to get over it.

Tonight, she got mad over a perceived slight (we are both English speakers, but come from different cultures and have trouble with wording sometime) to the point that in addition to her usual drama of screaming and cursing at me loudly enough that the neighbors call to ask if we're okay, she threw things at me, and threw porcelain down the stairs, shattering it.

Obviously, this is getting into the realm of domestic violence/abuse, and I'm worried about what might happen to our baby if my wife is mad and not thinking straight. This is hardly the first time I've seen her temper, and I've certainly thought long and hard about whether this is going to work out for us, but I really want it to - after all, most things I could do (refuse to support removal of conditions, refuse to give her the notarized letter she wants saying it's okay for her to take our baby back to her country for a month, file VAWA, or whatever) would only have sad endings.

So I'm kind of wondering whether there are family and marriage counselors that deal specifically with the issues facing immigrants and their families, or anger-management classes for immigrants...

[rade2rising 205]

All too familiar story. To be honest I don't think counselling can help any in your case but sure why not try what you got to lose.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

tried repeatedly to get her a tourist visa so she could come see where I lived and what my life was like, but they wouldn't give her one.

I hope the USCIS folks on board are taking note of this.

You are doing us all a disfavor by not letting our intended come over for a visit first.

[MuDelphi 159]

Post on your main account.

[BethandBilly 86]

Any reason he should? Just curious

Post on your main account.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Any reason he should? Just curious

Might put some things into better context. Wouldn't it be interesting if the posts leading-up to his wife immigrating to the US told a different story?

Honestly, this is a story heard many times amongst Fil-Am couples though:

AM: I'm not rich in America, most of what I earn goes to pay bills and such.

FIL: Yeah, I understand but you make multiple thousands of dollars per month right?

AM: Yes but my house costs over $1,000 per month and that isn't the utilities but just the rent/mortgage.

FIL: Ok, so you can afford over $1,000 per month for rent/mortgage, wow!

One of the things I did was showed my wife exactly what my finances were. She saw how much flowed in and out including the large lump of taxes I was paying. It helped put everything into perspective for her.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

We tried repeatedly to get her a tourist visa so she could come see where I lived and what my life was like, but they wouldn't give her one.

I hope the USCIS folks on board are taking note of this.

You are doing us all a disfavor by not letting our intended come over for a visit first.

No they're not. It's reasonable to restrict Visitor Visas for young cute single women from 3rd world countries that are overwhelmed with poverty. How would you ensure that the Alien Visitor returns to their home country? I guess you could have the US Citizen sponsor post a $25,000 bond to cover the cost of tracking & deporting them if they go TNT. hey could also hold the US Citizen criminally liable if the Alien goes TNT. Finally, I say make this Special Visitor Visa one that absolutely bars AOS for any reason.

[nane1104 146]

I hope the USCIS folks on board are taking note of this.

You are doing us all a disfavor by not letting our intended come over for a visit first.

What are you talking about?

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

No they're not. It's reasonable to restrict Visitor Visas for young cute single women from 3rd world countries that are overwhelmed with poverty. How would you ensure that the Alien Visitor returns to their home country? I guess you could have the US Citizen sponsor post a $25,000 bond to cover the cost of tracking & deporting them if they go TNT. hey could also hold the US Citizen criminally liable if the Alien goes TNT. Finally, I say make this Special Visitor Visa one that absolutely bars AOS for any reason.

People on this board are so worried about AOS, but the real plague is simple overstaying. Even if they made the visa with a specific ban for AOS, plenty of people would still want to come here and live illegally forever... still a better life than where they are from.

[Tanya and Barry 59]

People on this board are so worried about AOS, but the real plague is simple overstaying. Even if they made the visa with a specific ban for AOS, plenty of people would still want to come here and live illegally forever... still a better life than where they are from.

Spot on...

I would have liked for Tanya to have been able to come on a visit first but I understand why they restrict Visas from some countries...

Edited July 24, 2012 by Tanya and Barry

[nane1104 146]

OP, kudos to you for trying to work through those issues with your wife. From the way you are writing about her, I get the impression you still love her and want to be with her.

It seems like there are two main reasons for your problems, cultural differences and personality/temperamental differences. Both I would think can be worked through if both partners are willing to see their shortcomings and work on them.

Above all though is the safety and wellbeing of your child. If there is in fact abusive in your household, you need to separate yourself and your child from the situation.

I hope you can find a counselor with experience for your situation. Maybe just call different offices and ask and if they are not the right ones, ask if they know who to turn to.

Wishing you all the best!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

No they're not. It's reasonable to restrict Visitor Visas for young cute single women from 3rd world countries that are overwhelmed with poverty. How would you ensure that the Alien Visitor returns to their home country? I guess you could have the US Citizen sponsor post a $25,000 bond to cover the cost of tracking & deporting them if they go TNT. hey could also hold the US Citizen criminally liable if the Alien goes TNT. Finally, I say make this Special Visitor Visa one that absolutely bars AOS for any reason.

I count at least 5 Canadians that have overstayed in the US just this month alone, and at least another 3 Women have decided to go back home and 1 Gentlemen was "sent" back home.

What I agree with is that we can be made to post bonds and as such, they already have untold data and information from the USC when we submit the petition.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

You said your wife has a very short and hot temper and threw porcelain down the stairs, shattering it.???? in my opinion there is just a name for this kind of woman "spoiled brat". I don't understand how you put up with her #######. You deserve better. Make sure she is not abusing your child. Tell her to attend some anger management classes ASAP.