Question for those who were scammed...

[indiana_sweetie 120]

My advice would be to learn about personality disorders, I believe that the majority of scammers are in the Cluster B (dramatic) personality disorders.

If your man conforms to one of these Cluster B personality disorders I would advise you to move on.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Cluster_B_.28dramatic.2C_emotional_or_erratic_disorders.29

My hubby does not fall into any of those disorder types

[indiana_sweetie 120]

To those of you who have been hurt this way, I apologize on behalf of humanity. What this world is coming too, isn't worth the bull we all have to go through. Finding someone you love, just to be kept apart. Finding someone you love, just to find out they don't love you. Finding someone you love, just to find out the love isn't there for either... A lot of people feel that they have searched and searched and found nothing good for them. So when a foreigner comes along with sweet words and makes you feel special, you would do anything for them. Reflect on your life and ask yourself if you feel this person would do anything for you. That is the important thing. Two people who would do anything for eachother makes a strong bond between eachother. One person who is good with words, and another who would do anything for the other usually (in my experience) ends poorly. I truly hope that your SO loves you and would give you the world if he could. If he wouldn't, is he worth it? You ask if there are signs or red flags to look for, but the answer should already be a 'red flag' in your life. If something seems like a 'red flag' and you are asking hoping for confirmation or some conclusion... then maybe you have your answer already? Is it something small and you worried so much to blow it out of proportion? How much time have you spent physically together? You can meet on the internet and send pictures, talk daily, but it is still a fantasy world until the two of you are actually really together. I hope that everything is ok and will work out in the end. It doesn't always...

Interesting way to say it. When I flew to Kosovo to meet my honey in person I went with the conviction that I would have my eyes wide open. I lived with him 6 weeks. From day one it was like I belonged there with him. He is so easy to live with, easy to talk to and fun to be with. He is sensitive to my feelings and the only man I ever knew personally who did not want to leave the room if I said, "Honey, we need to talk." In fact he comes to me, puts his arm around me and asks me to please tell him. So we talked, and talked, and then all was understood. Together we lived a good life, one we want to continue. We made a very strong love connection with each other. We are the same in all the ways that count, and different in all the ways that make it fun.

I had no idea we even had a "red flag" until I started reading immigration forums and the word "cougar" came up. Then I was reading about how older women are wooed by younger foreign men because they are getting attention they can't get here. Well, that doesn't fit me either. Ok, that's bragging on myself, but that wasn't true for me. I had attention, I just wasn't interested. My hubby and I clicked. Some men are attracted to older women. Studies have shown those relationships last just as long or even longer than where the partners are the same age or with the man older. I can't help it if we fall into profile boxes that immigration might drop us into. I guess we will just need to try harder to climb out of them.

[dwheels76 5,468]

Interesting way to say it. When I flew to Kosovo to meet my honey in person I went with the conviction that I would have my eyes wide open. I lived with him 6 weeks. From day one it was like I belonged there with him. He is so easy to live with, easy to talk to and fun to be with. He is sensitive to my feelings and the only man I ever knew personally who did not want to leave the room if I said, "Honey, we need to talk." In fact he comes to me, puts his arm around me and asks me to please tell him. So we talked, and talked, and then all was understood. Together we lived a good life, one we want to continue. We made a very strong love connection with each other. We are the same in all the ways that count, and different in all the ways that make it fun.

I had no idea we even had a "red flag" until I started reading immigration forums and the word "cougar" came up. Then I was reading about how older women are wooed by younger foreign men because they are getting attention they can't get here. Well, that doesn't fit me either. Ok, that's bragging on myself, but that wasn't true for me. I had attention, I just wasn't interested. My hubby and I clicked. Some men are attracted to older women. Studies have shown those relationships last just as long or even longer than where the partners are the same age or with the man older. I can't help it if we fall into profile boxes that immigration might drop us into. I guess we will just need to try harder to climb out of them.

Very well said for a mature woman. I too never in my wildest thought that because I fell in love and he fell in love with me that being older was going to make me next in line to be thrown in the volcano for sacrifice. Goodness. I so agree about this being put in a box. Look people the majority of us already are out of the "Normal" couple thing but finding, falling in love with people from another country. Even people who immigrated to the US and went back to their country you have been americanized abit right. So lets just accept we aren't normal we are Extraordinary folks who decided to cllimb out of the box and go for ours. We are brave even when we don't think we are we dare to challenge our government, their government, heck our families and friens (come between me and my man and watch what happens yo).

What is interesting besides my wnderful husband is his family. How many of us (I see your hands raising) are being loved unconditionally by your foreign families (I mean the USC is being loved by foreign family). They just love them some us isn't it wild. No judgements, no why you marry our son or daughter. Sure maybe they might be thinking now they will have better life but they truly want to see their family member happy.

My mother in law is 46 days older than me. Yep 46 DAYS ya'll. And she is every bit my Mum. She treats me as my own mother did when she was alive. I adore her and would do anything for her.... oooops my bad again. It's friday sorry.

[indiana_sweetie 120]

Very well said for a mature woman. I too never in my wildest thought that because I fell in love and he fell in love with me that being older was going to make me next in line to be thrown in the volcano for sacrifice. Goodness. I so agree about this being put in a box. Look people the majority of us already are out of the "Normal" couple thing but finding, falling in love with people from another country. Even people who immigrated to the US and went back to their country you have been americanized abit right. So lets just accept we aren't normal we are Extraordinary folks who decided to cllimb out of the box and go for ours. We are brave even when we don't think we are we dare to challenge our government, their government, heck our families and friens (come between me and my man and watch what happens yo).

What is interesting besides my wnderful husband is his family. How many of us (I see your hands raising) are being loved unconditionally by your foreign families (I mean the USC is being loved by foreign family). They just love them some us isn't it wild. No judgements, no why you marry our son or daughter. Sure maybe they might be thinking now they will have better life but they truly want to see their family member happy.

My mother in law is 46 days older than me. Yep 46 DAYS ya'll. And she is every bit my Mum. She treats me as my own mother did when she was alive. I adore her and would do anything for her.... oooops my bad again. It's friday sorry.

Thank you and you go girl!!

[rlogan 2,036]

Was there any signs one could have picked up there before the marriage, or before coming to the US? Just wondering about this type of relationship as well.

I was overseas for many years on long trips so sure, I met a scammer once. The main thing was actions not matching words. So I never applied for a K-1. That's why living with them for any length of time will expose them, even if the whole family is in on the scam. I can see why it is pretty easy to dupe people on the internet and fake your way through a couple weeks of in-person meeting or whatever. Especially if you are staying in a hotel or maybe not even the same city. That's what many professional scammers will do: the Filipina scammers will say it is too dangerous to meet you in their city. Because she's married with two kids, not because of gangsters.

Here are some of the classic red flags besides their actions not living up to their words: Professing unbounded love right away and rushing in to marriage. Breaking agreements. Using emotional manipulation. Being secretive. Being clever about managing what you see of their past, their family, friends, pervious work & etc. Unpredictable behavior: The most tender, loving person one day and the opposite the next. With money especially they will piss it away and have endless reasons why more needs to be sent. But if you show hesitancy in the relationship, and the really big money down the road is at risk, suddenly they can do without. The relationship seems to improve. You are tricked into thinking he loves you when all he is doing is the minimum necessary to keep the scam alive.

There are too many stories to count over the years at this forum. But the best are the ones with strippers. Ukrainian strippers, Thai strippers - I don't care which kind of strippers they are but they always spice up the thread.

[Karee 4,190]

I was overseas for many years on long trips so sure, I met a scammer once. The main thing was actions not matching words. So I never applied for a K-1. That's why living with them for any length of time will expose them, even if the whole family is in on the scam. I can see why it is pretty easy to dupe people on the internet and fake your way through a couple weeks of in-person meeting or whatever. Especially if you are staying in a hotel or maybe not even the same city. That's what many professional scammers will do: the Filipina scammers will say it is too dangerous to meet you in their city. Because she's married with two kids, not because of gangsters.

Here are some of the classic red flags besides their actions not living up to their words: Professing unbounded love right away and rushing in to marriage. Breaking agreements. Using emotional manipulation. Being secretive. Being clever about managing what you see of their past, their family, friends, pervious work & etc. Unpredictable behavior: The most tender, loving person one day and the opposite the next. With money especially they will piss it away and have endless reasons why more needs to be sent. But if you show hesitancy in the relationship, and the really big money down the road is at risk, suddenly they can do without. The relationship seems to improve. You are tricked into thinking he loves you when all he is doing is the minimum necessary to keep the scam alive.

There are too many stories to count over the years at this forum. But the best are the ones with strippers. Ukrainian strippers, Thai strippers - I don't care which kind of strippers they are but they always spice up the thread.

I always found the biggest red flag to me was the phone being turned off.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

The methods the embassy uses to ferret out the good from the bad are older than our country. They simply ask question and look for the reactions of the person. Liars are good at what they do , be it to the spouse they cheat with, the boss asking why they weren't at their post, or an immigration officer. As the petitioner, when we visit our significant other in their home country, one thing you should have in the back of your mind is "what would I do to get out of here if I lived here " If your gut response is ANYTHING, it is the same your significant other may have. I am always catching heck from my regionals for warning others. But I know I have save several from being scammed and helped others pick up the mess when they come home to an empty home. ( sometimes wall to wall empty ) Actually I don't think there is much difference between fiances and spouses. With either visa you can land in a country and within days meet the technical proof requirements for a visa. Either get married right off the plane or just meet and do the K1. I think the level of scamming would drop significantly if future spousal visas were eliminated for persons that become LPR's based on K1,CR1 visas. If the scammers knew they couldn't bring the spouse that pretended to be a cousin over in 5 years they might not be so eagar to come. If you increase the time from a marriage based green card to a regular GC while eliminating the divorce waiver you would catch some more.

Some of the signs you are being scammed

They don't want to take you around the home town. They want to meet in a different city and put you up in a hotel.

They require a lot of cash outlay ( they were living just fine before you met, why are they so needy now )

An opposite sex not immediate relative living with the family that seems to eye you too much ( possibly the original wife/hubby)

All their documents are new ( and maybe their identity )

A relationship that is too different ( cougar is one thing, marrying your grandchild is another )

A relationship where to person is either way too touchy for the culture or not touchy at all.

Someone who is overly interested in identifying your assets.

Someone that won't talk about a pre nup.

[bigdog 376]

Yep more than a 90 day do or die proposition, might bring out the real person you hooked up with, especially of you are having a problem. USCIS does the visit in 2 years etc. and then you are on your own, most here complain that K1 takes too long as it is. Maybe a 90 day visit is not a bad idea. Although I think their view is it will lead to an overstay. Unfortunately VJ is only a small percentage of what is going on out there.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

I agree with all of the above in multiple posts. I was lucky enough to find a good woman who is not a scammer. She is very open and honest about everything in dealing with her and her family. I have gone there numerous times most for about a stay of 16-30 days at a time. She has told me about people she knows who are scammers and we see some people everyday when we go to the city, and we are like ####### over.

When I went there in February, I had to actual advise another American we met that more and likely he was being scammed. Either for money or a gc. The reason I said that was because we were staying at a hotel on a resort island, where we met that other couple. One night at the bar, it was just me and him drinking at that time. We were talking about each other's fiance's and where they are from. Well it turns out that his fiance was from the same province in Mindanao as my fiance, but she was supposedly living in Manila alone. Then I asked him if he had been there yet to meet her family and everybody since it's his 2nd time there. He said "No, I haven't been because she is scared about my safety." I called BS right then and there because I knew exactly where she was from, and I told him it is safe and beautiful. You need to go there. Well his fiance comes up and sits behind him and he tells her what I told him and that he should go meet her family. Then turned around talking to me. I swear the look she was giving me, if looks could kill. Then I would be dead right now, bc she knew her scam had been found out by me. Even my fiance agreed with me then.

Needless to say I told him the next day I think he was being scammed.

[LSnBigBear 61]

Nice but an unfortunate topic. I look at it that if our pasts help others then it is worth it. I did not have a spouse as I broke off my first K1 process back in 2008 due to what I felt was not genuine love or acceptable behavior. The sad thing is I met her in person while living and working abroad in the Philippines. I knew of her for one year before we dated. Looking back I moved to fast due to leaving the country when my contract ended so we engaged onyl 3 months after we had our first date.

As we went through the process I started noticing her acting different. I chalked it up to the stress of the process etc. Then we had a pretty good argument over the money she was blowing through. She said one thing that hurts me to this day.. She met a woman that had an internet past in dating or scamming men.. My ex said and I quote "Mae my friend broke if off with her american fiancee due to them fighting over money. Is this what you want for us too" Hmm I am thinking some 4 plus years ago. I explained to her that money arguments are the #1 fight of married couples. I then told her to dig in deeper as women do not break it off with their fiancees that easy so she should check deeper. THe next day she emailed me and explained she needed to talk. I called her and we talked. She said and I quote again " Well Mae failed her medical due to TB so she broke it off as her ex BF from UK is coming to visit her. He is bringing a friend with him and wants me to meet his friend" Well my stomach dropped as she told me this. I said " is this what you want to do is meet him the man from UK" She said " i just do not want to fight over money anymore as Mae said the UK men don't complain about the money as Americans" Well at that time I just told her I was done as her attitude changed.. I later found out that my ex had an American friend she kept in the closet waiting I guess to either get here or I dont know.. All i know is i ended it and later found more about my ex that was not so good. I am sharing this just so everyone knows that relationships are work and they do hurt. Until you marry think with both your heart and mind. Listen to both and know that "it can happen to you" My fiancee knows all about my past. I share with her everything.. She is so much aware of my past that she goes over and above to make sure we have trust. I do trust my fiancee more than any woman. THere are no signs this is goign the wrong way.. We met in person first and dated now 18 months and are only 2 months into our process as I wanted to make sure. I am sure now. We have checks and balances in on both sides for example like checking in if we are late on line etc. We have open communication which is working.

Good luck. Sorry so long winded.. I know I was not married but I was going to be scammed and if my situation helps others then I am happy to share and help.

Thanks for reading and once again sorry it is so long...

[LSnBigBear 61]

I agree with all of the above in multiple posts. I was lucky enough to find a good woman who is not a scammer. She is very open and honest about everything in dealing with her and her family. I have gone there numerous times most for about a stay of 16-30 days at a time. She has told me about people she knows who are scammers and we see some people everyday when we go to the city, and we are like ####### over.

When I went there in February, I had to actual advise another American we met that more and likely he was being scammed. Either for money or a gc. The reason I said that was because we were staying at a hotel on a resort island, where we met that other couple. One night at the bar, it was just me and him drinking at that time. We were talking about each other's fiance's and where they are from. Well it turns out that his fiance was from the same province in Mindanao as my fiance, but she was supposedly living in Manila alone. Then I asked him if he had been there yet to meet her family and everybody since it's his 2nd time there. He said "No, I haven't been because she is scared about my safety." I called BS right then and there because I knew exactly where she was from, and I told him it is safe and beautiful. You need to go there. Well his fiance comes up and sits behind him and he tells her what I told him and that he should go meet her family. Then turned around talking to me. I swear the look she was giving me, if looks could kill. Then I would be dead right now, bc she knew her scam had been found out by me. Even my fiance agreed with me then.

Needless to say I told him the next day I think he was being scammed.

Good job being honest and heads up.. Not easy to do as one never knows how the person will take it as it is a matter of the heart. You the man for stepping up...

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

Good job being honest and heads up.. Not easy to do as one never knows how the person will take it as it is a matter of the heart. You the man for stepping up...

Well I felt bad you know. He seemed like a decent guy, and I didn't want him to get scammed and to get played by a bad woman. Hell he was just a simple soybean farmer from Nebraska.

[LSnBigBear 61]

Well I felt bad you know. He seemed like a decent guy, and I didn't want him to get scammed and to get played by a bad woman. Hell he was just a simple soybean farmer from Nebraska.

That is kind of you. I had seen many men get or going to get scammed while I lived there but WOW I mentioned it to one of them and he turned on me and took her side. So I decided unless i know a person well enough that I minded my own business. I can only share my experiences both good and bad then let others make their own judgments based on their facts as how they see it. Once again, Kudos to you. Those conversations are never easy.

[LSnBigBear 61]

Thank you and you go girl!!

Nicely worded and great feedback......How about a for your reply..... My age is between my future father in law and mothers. He is 47 I am 46 and my future mother in law is just months younger than me... I even chat with her on Skype with my fiancee. I know I am accepted and loved...

[LSnBigBear 61]

My hubby does not fall into any of those disorder types

I think I fall into all the disorders Okay that was a joke

IMO it is more of a learned behavior. For example (as I have lived in the RP and visited 14 others countries) people learn these scamming behaviors due to their own circumstances. If someone met their fiancee or wife via internet then I am sure many of their conversations started with "are you real or just playing me" Reason for this is and sorry men but I am picking on us, we as men tend to get the woman's hopes up and make promises. Then kick them to the curb for the next best internet woman. Cyber love is more popular then in meeting person love nowadays. We tend to be cowards and hide behind this idiot box we call a computer.

I believe if a woman has been lied to many times and promised a visit from a man from the internet, to all of a sudden poof the man disapearing then what is she to do?? She then learns the behavior to ask for money for internet, then food, then medical etc etc until she "learns" hey this is not a bad gig so she then continues on without getting emotionally attached. I saw this first hand while living in the Phils. Quite the little money makers for some that venture this way. Then they finally get a visit from a genuine man that is falling in love with them only to find they are confused as to the pay cut they will receive being with just one man in person and not many via the web. If they take this chance and go with him they still have all the past waiting for them in hiding on their internet. As to this I am replying to it can be then physiological. Yes I have been scammed even living in the same city as my ex. Lot's of unfortunate games out there. BUT there are games and baggage dating here in the USA. I always joke that if it were not for the cuddling, kissing and intimacy that I would marry my best friend.... He watches sports with me, let's me drink beer and never asks me how my feelings are

although after 18 months of dating, my fiancee is quickly becoming my best friend. Shhh I actually leave my local sports bar to make it home for our chats on-time.. Okay sometimes I am late