VAWA - and I am even scared to send the form

[Lorenzoid 12]

Swissmiss, if you came here as a tourist less than a year ago and just happened to meet this man, why not simply go back to Switzerland? I know the US is a nice place, but why are you that desperate to stay--at the risk of your own safety and your children's safety--when you have an obvious out? Go home with your children, file for divorce, and continue the life you left before you came to visit the US. I'd be happy to trade places if I could--you live here, and I'll live in Switzerland.

[SingleDad2usc 71]

Well I only know how to deal with ACS/Social Services. I don't know about spousal battles or about shelters. I suspect ACS may act differently state to state, and town to town - so I don't deem myself a specialist outside of NYC either. Just general advice: only initial ACS contact is scary: that's because we don't like somebody telling us what to do, and when they initiate - they act in the role of police. But when you co-operate, your case eventually moves from protective to preventive, i.e. assistance. So if initially they kinda got you- then eventually you kinda got them! And they must provide you with everything necessary for children. So as long as you don't expect princess treatment, you'll be fine. And husbands are hard pressed to put up strong challenge and win custody. So here, I shared my experience...

Where I'm a total novice - and someone could help me understand - why a spouse claiming to have no psychological issues leaves the spouse who they claim to have issues? In my case: it was the wife who had issues, and SHE left. In all VAWA cases I'm reading: wife claims husband has issues, but it is the WIFE who does the leaving?! So again, my question: why the "sane" spouse breaks the family?

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Well I only know how to deal with ACS/Social Services. I don't know about spousal battles or about shelters. I suspect ACS may act differently state to state, and town to town - so I don't deem myself a specialist outside of NYC either. Just general advice: only initial ACS contact is scary: that's because we don't like somebody telling us what to do, and when they initiate - they act in the role of police. But when you co-operate, your case eventually moves from protective to preventive, i.e. assistance. So if initially they kinda got you- then eventually you kinda got them! And they must provide you with everything necessary for children. So as long as you don't expect princess treatment, you'll be fine. And husbands are hard pressed to put up strong challenge and win custody. So here, I shared my experience...

Where I'm a total novice - and someone could help me understand - why a spouse claiming to have no psychological issues leaves the spouse who they claim to have issues? In my case: it was the wife who had issues, and SHE left. In all VAWA cases I'm reading: wife claims husband has issues, but it is the WIFE who does the leaving?! So again, my question: why the "sane" spouse breaks the family?

Not all families and their dynamics are the same. This is why I personally think it's dangerous to scream VAWA and/or divorce at each and every opportunity, at least without knowing the full details.

Also as a male actor, your locomotion thorugh the system is a bit different from a female actor, in most cases. Again each case should be looked at on an individual basis.

All in all I do feel for those of you folks going through these battles. Life is somewhat difficult in itself without piling on avoidable personal conflicts like this between people that allegedly loved each other at some point in space.

[Sandra G. 5,064]

singledad regarding your questions "why a spouse claiming to have no psychological issues leaves the spouse who they claim to have issues".I truly believe the "sane" person leaves because we're supposed to be surrounded by people who love,respect and cherish us. Love is not supposed to hurt.I applaud those who had the strength, courage and respect for themselves and left their abusers.

Edited July 19, 2012 by sandranj

[SingleDad2usc 71]

In your professional capacity: that's the only possible answer. I have no skin in the biz, and I humanitarily offer one other possibilty: work on sanctity of your marriage, when children are in crossfire.

US freedom-loving system offers admittedly plenty of slack. Come here through marriage, be sponsored, start children, even bring 3 children(!) - and then demand all the "love,respect and cherish" one could ever have OR ELSE?! This OR ELSE is slightly self-fulfilling: let me explain where I come from.

My wife was told in confidence by ACS, who immediately separated us for their "discovery" interviews: if you want your total freedom, just say that husband is oppressive, and also give up the children with no obligation - we'll take care of everything. Imagine: it sounded good to her. If not for such freedom-oriented guidance - maybe my family would work everything out, and never get into suicide spiral. But this "full freedom" instruction was later corrected by the Judge, who told ACS: hands off his children! One parent backed out, but the other one is here, and looks fine to me - now I order you to assist him with everything he needs, and don't anyone let me hear again this foster care/adoption nonsense! So there went ACS's promise to her: she gave up rights all right, but not the obligations. Full freedom she got? If she fully knew the downside of the path she was promised, she might have never pushed herself over the edge. Would family necessarily end up better off? Well it bloody well difficult to have done much worse than today's armageddon - all individual members in separate therapy!

[Ban Hammer 13,529]

one post removed per op request along with one quoting.

[outofhere 1]

As to clarify the situation a little:

I have been divorced 6 years ago, I have sole custody and their biodad does not have any interest nor gives me any financial support. So it is not a problem for me to travel or move abroad legally.

Switzerland is a nice country and my idea to travel was to show the US, as to see if they would like to transfer over here in a few years. It has better opportunities for my children educationwise for certain reasons and I have far better career opportunities.

I came here on a tourist visa and went back for several days which renews it, as I had to finish some exams. Then we went to Canada. Then I was supposed to go out to Mexico, but that was not necessary, since we then wanted to get married.

I had met him while hiking and we stayed together 24/7 over 7 months and then got married. It was supposed to be a fast marriage, so we can do the big party in November, so my family can come.

Currently I am living of the money of my family, as well as depend on them to pay for the filing fees. This is how I pay for it at the moment, until I can work.

Yes, I could go back, but my children have learned the language within these months, we have integrated into the community. This is home now. I would have wanted to stay with him, but it is crazy. I cannot go away from this place as I cannot drive. Some people from the church help me though. And I do think he will stay away, because of the protective order. I don't think the shelter will help me.

People will think the same as you here. That, because I am from Switzerland, I can just go back and start my life over there again. For some reason we are all millionaires over there and have houses and everything for free. Well, I can tell you one thing: We have to work too. And as a woman with three kids and no support from the father you work your butt off, because it is so expensive. And people will still not even give you a chance, nor the kids, because you are the stupid woman who has no father to the children. Yes, I thought it would be better here. I thought people would give us a chance. Maybe not. Thats okay.

And btw, if you want to go to Switzerland, then go, please do so. I will happily give you my passport.

I don't understand why, coming from this country makes me into a more privileged person. I am a woman with three kids who thought I finally get a chance. We get to go to the United States even before my studies are entirely finished and I live with the man I love and my kids. This doesn't feel any better for me or any person with any other homecountry. I risked and I lost. And I am sure now I should not send any papers. Not really worth the money.

I do not hate my husband and I do not want to hate him. I want to divorce him and get on with my life and have only small scares instead of a lot of hate in my heart. This is what I believe in, but that probably is not good enough. It is not dramatic, it is just sad and that is all I can offer as a VAWA story. So I guess thats it.

Thank you for your replies.

Edited July 19, 2012 by realswissmiss

[SingleDad2usc 71]

work it out. there WAS something there. u may not get it again

[outofhere 1]

He did not want to go to therapy, but he has major depression. Has had for years, so nothing more to do.

And anyway, he has talked now about the priesthood.

I am just tired of this. I am tired of being scared, trying to not make anyone angry, trying to do everything right, trying to be happy. I am just so tired of feeling not good enough.

Yes, something was there, still is. But I rather not feel anything than sleep another night next to him with a knife under my pillow. I can do that now, thats maybe a good thing? I don't know.

[SingleDad2usc 71]

look u got 3 kids and no father, u can't give up relationships like a single equality-seeker. this man was BIG to welcome u. work hard at it, get community support, nice people to talk to both of u

[Sandra G. 5,064]

realwissmiss why are you saying " I am sure now I should not send any papers..." do not let other people think dictate your actions or discouraged you. This is a public forum and everyone is entitled to say whatever they want, despite some people here are "natural bitters", anyway find a pro bono lawyer in your area and he/she will be able to tell if you have a Vawa case or not. You don't have to pay to file Vawa, and if you decide to file I-485 along then you can file form I-765 as well(work permit) and ask USCIS to waive the fees.

[SingleDad2usc 71]

definitely find pro-bono lawyer. also find good people to help your marriage. can't give up easily. your loss will be children's loss too

[Sandra G. 5,064]

Singledad I am a staunch advocate against domestic violence and I have to disagree with you.He was "big" to welcome her, but screw up when he abused her!No one should be subjected to violence. There is no excuse to keep living with an abuser, not even in protecting the sanctity of marriage. If the abuser wants to reconciliate he/she is the one who has to admit the mistakes and SEEK HELP. The abuser needs to work on himself through therapy to become a stronger and better person and recognize the abuse inflicted, but until there the victim needs to stay away. To live in fear,trapped,damaged,in pain,neglected is not right!. It takes one to kill one, but thank God only takes one person to call it quits and walk away.

Edited July 19, 2012 by sandranj

[SingleDad2usc 71]

no walking against traffic...marriage is a two-way street

Sandranj, u r a greatest lawyer and humanist; don't drive a truck over families

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

no walking against traffic...marriage is a two-way street

Sandranj, u r a greatest lawyer and humanist; don't drive a truck over families

For anyone who might have some free time. Follow the money, you'll be surprised why certain sectors practically fall over themselves to break up families.

Every one of us deserves to live in a non violent and peaceful coexistence.