Is this typical for a Filipina?

[bacardi101 0]

its not typical. pretty much an isolated case.

culture of poverty, it depends on what she experienced while growing up.

[X Factor 1,111]

Why is everyone harping on this guy? He asked an innocent question, in the hopes of understanding and therefore treating his wife better. He wasn't trying to berate or judge her, just help to understand.

Lighten up people.

He wants to be a better husband. Commendable

[bacardi101 0]

i think this might have something to do with maslows hierarchy of needs, the op is on self actualization

and is more into what his purpose in life is..why is he here and what can he do to better serve humankind.

his wife might still be into survival mode or stage 1.

but although even if this is the case she still should have some dreams/hopes and such only this thing doesn't go for

everyone. not everyone has deep thoughts about their existence on earth and whatnot.

[visaopt 3]

It is quite impressive that you seek to understand the situation better. A true selfless act of love.

I think you already understand the root of her not wanting to "risk" any more disappointments by sharing out loud her dreams. That is a common tactic employed for self-survival when under "not-so-good" circumstances. It is quite possible that she just doesn't want to risk being letdown again with her dreams as she has experienced painful letdowns in the past. Continue being patient and just allow her to open up when she becomes comfortable and confident with her future. It may be that once she gets here in the states that she seek guidance from a counselor (either alone or as a couple or both) to help overcome "possible" traumatic experiences she has encountered or perceived.

Once again, I commend you for being man enough to show your sensitive side. It appears to me, as humble as my opinion can be, that you already understand. I wish you two the best and a life of long lived love for each other.

To all, first allow me to apologize for using the term, "Typical" in the title of my posting, as it can and have resulted in some generalizations on this thread, that simply do not enlighten, but can inflame others, who may not agree with such generalizations. The other problem with using the term, "Typical" is that it can result in an unintended comparison, between what is "Typical" and what is "Atypical". That was not my intent, so please look past my poor word choice.

To John and Mari, I wish my fiancee saw my actions, of wanting to find out her dreams and goals, like you do,as a true selfless act of love. My purpose is very simple – to ask and find out her dreams and goals, not to assume her dreams and goals are the same as mine, and if realistic and within my abilities, I will do what I can to help her achieve it.

[visaopt 3]

No. As a Filipina, I will never say this and that trait, behavior, characteristic, disposition or attitude is typical for a Filipina, a poor Filipina, an educated Filipina or a Filipina coming from a province.

There is no need for you to make excuses on her behalf as to why she barely has something to say about her goals and the future. Poverty has nothing to do about not dreaming or setting goals. What if she actually has not decided what to do and she doesn't know what she really wants?

To Calypso, you made a great point. Every Filipina is an individual. My fiancee told me she has some goals and dreams. She just keeps it to herself, at least for now. I hope she will eventually be comfortable enough to share her goals and dreams with me, but time will tell.

I think you probably nailed it. My fiancé also comes from a quite poor family. But she shares me that she'd like to have a job, maybe someday build a house back home in the Philippines.

Just a couple thoughts from another USC's point of view:

1) Don't forget that your fiance's hope and dreams may very well be different than your own. Much simpler. She might be shy to even talk about them, thinking they're not worth to talk about.

2) Don't push her. I find with my fiancé if I push, even gently, it often backfires and she just shuts down a bit. So just create an environment for her to WANT to share those things, it will come in time.

But just be gentle. And remember that opening up for a FIlipina is hard, at least I find it that way. My fiancé tends to hold things in much more than an American woman would.

To Mogambi, my fiancee's goals and dreams may very well be different from mine, which is one reason I asked her, instead of assume that I know her dreams and goals.

My wife is a Filipina, and has lots of lofty dreams, as have most of her friends. It seems like they have a punch list that keeps getting longer, of all the experiences they want to have, now that they have left the Philippines behind. So, we are having a hard time relating to OP's and others experiences here. I often have to bring the wife back to some sort of reality, to the needs and concerns of what is happening right now. I am the pragmatist, she is the dreamer.

To big bear, sounds like you have the opposite challenge. I certainly do not encourage lofty, unrealistic dreams, that have no basis in reality, and more befitting a fantasy punch list. My purpose is simply for my fiancee to have some goals and dreams, that is realistic enough to achieve, so she can have some successes to build her self-esteem.

[visaopt 3]

You are going to marry this girl, but do not know her culture?

Filipinos are ephemeral thinkers. They do not think about the future. Only the day. That's why simple things for a westerner are lost in the mind of the Filipino.

Such as saving money, using birth control, getting an education, even showering and brushing their teeth. Just a different culture.

To Daniel99, I hope you were just joking, and not being serious, because if your reply was serious, and that is truly how you feel, then I feel your point of view is a condescending generalization. I hope for your wife's sake, you do not truly believe that Filipinos are just ephemeral thinkers. By your rhetorical question, it sounds like you are implying that you know everything about your wife's culture. If you truly feel that way, then I feel sorry for you, since that would mean you have nothing new to learn, and nothing new to discover about your wife's culture – a pretty boring existence.

I am baffled by a LOT of things about my wife, and there is no getting to the answers, for me at least... She just tells me "that is just what I am really like", as if we just met yesterday and not after 6 years of knowing her? What she is really like is just plain confusing. She always has kept a lot on the inside veiled, and I never have been able to see clearly through that veil no matter what.

To Brijo, thank you for your honest candor. There are things that baffle me about my fiancee too, and visa versa – the joys and wonderment of learning and discovering new things about each other.

[bacardi101 0]

Crashed~N2~Me':

thats a nice song (your nickname)

also your post/response was spot on..

i constantly worry about the future and have no sense of what is right now. therefore i am not an ephemeral thinker. i have great knowledge regarding birth control and have been known to shower 3x a day if i had the time. brush2x before bed. actually a lot of people i know do the same. like as if toothbrush was going out of style the next day and we had to overdo it today.

[visaopt 3]

I am a Filipina I came from a poor family too and poverty made me strive, create goals, plans and have dreams. You can start sharing you goals or dreams to her, talk about your hobbies that you want to share with her, the kind of family you will build with her, if you want kids, how many if she wants to work or not when you have babies and stuff like that. From there she might know a little bit what to expect or how life will be then she'll start sharing hopefully. Cause for me it is important for you to know what she wants in life and same to her.

To ShawnKJuliet, different people handle adversity differently. I applaud you for not allowing your poverty to dictate your future. Some people have the inner strength to strive, create goals, and overcome their adversities, while others are so damaged by their negative circumstances, and past failings,that they do not have the inner strength any more, to pick themselves back up. This is not to offer excuses, but just to acknowledge that is reality for some.

[visaopt 3]

i think this might have something to do with maslows hierarchy of needs, the op is on self actualization

and is more into what his purpose in life is..why is he here and what can he do to better serve humankind.

his wife might still be into survival mode or stage 1.

but although even if this is the case she still should have some dreams/hopes and such only this thing doesn't go for

everyone. not everyone has deep thoughts about their existence on earth and whatnot.

To barcardi101, thank you for thinking that I am at self-actualization, but I do not think that. Maslow's Hierarchy, may help to explain some of it, which I alluded to early in my original post. It's just that I did not put a label to it, as you did.

To all, some of you may recognize the famous Napoleon Hill quote, "What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve". One reason I asked my fiancee about her goals and dreams, is first just to see if she has already conceived goals and dreams, and if not, to help her begin conceiving some realistic goals and dreams. I agree that I need to be patient, and I will be more patient. I also agree that her current environment and circumstances may not be supportive enough, welcoming enough, and encouraging enough, for her to feel safe to dream her dreams, and that I am better off waiting until she gets to my environment, when not only will I encourage her to have realistic dreams and goals, but I will be happy to help her believe it, and then finally achieve it, just like Napoleon stated.

[InHisTime 110]

To all, first allow me to apologize for using the term, "Typical" in the title of my posting, as it can and have resulted in some generalizations on this thread, that simply do not enlighten, but can inflame others, who may not agree with such generalizations. The other problem with using the term, "Typical" is that it can result in an unintended comparison, between what is "Typical" and what is "Atypical". That was not my intent, so please look past my poor word choice.

To John and Mari, I wish my fiancee saw my actions, of wanting to find out her dreams and goals, like you do,as a true selfless act of love. My purpose is very simple – to ask and find out her dreams and goals, not to assume her dreams and goals are the same as mine, and if realistic and within my abilities, I will do what I can to help her achieve it.

You raised a very good point....commendable ! you would be a good husband ! Keep it up !

[InHisTime 110]

To barcardi101, thank you for thinking that I am at self-actualization, but I do not think that. Maslow's Hierarchy, may help to explain some of it, which I alluded to early in my original post. It's just that I did not put a label to it, as you did.

To all, some of you may recognize the famous Napoleon Hill quote, "What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve". One reason I asked my fiancee about her goals and dreams, is first just to see if she has already conceived goals and dreams, and if not, to help her begin conceiving some realistic goals and dreams. I agree that I need to be patient, and I will be more patient. I also agree that her current environment and circumstances may not be supportive enough, welcoming enough, and encouraging enough, for her to feel safe to dream her dreams, and that I am better off waiting until she gets to my environment, when not only will I encourage her to have realistic dreams and goals, but I will be happy to help her believe it, and then finally achieve it, just like Napoleon stated.

You are very right -- at least, you are very matured enough to handle your relationship. Good luck and God bless to you and your fiancee ! Stay in love forever

[Hank_ 9,174]

To all, first allow me to apologize for using the term, "Typical" in the title of my posting, as it can and have resulted in some generalizations on this thread, that simply do not enlighten, but can inflame others, who may not agree with such generalizations. The other problem with using the term, "Typical" is that it can result in an unintended comparison, between what is "Typical" and what is "Atypical". That was not my intent, so please look past my poor word choice.

To John and Mari, I wish my fiancee saw my actions, of wanting to find out her dreams and goals, like you do,as a true selfless act of love. My purpose is very simple – to ask and find out her dreams and goals, not to assume her dreams and goals are the same as mine, and if realistic and within my abilities, I will do what I can to help her achieve it.

Truly don't worry about it, some on here always have their hat cocked sideways for a fight....

I think it is good you are wanting all the best for your wife... no matter what that is.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Hank_

[actob99 156]

Some great information and post's here, except the one that I will let slide as it was already commrnted on...

All people are different so it's hard to nail down why your wife might be tightlipped about her dreAms, so I will just give an example of my fiancee; she is from a poor island, young, doesn't have alot of education( but very bright with alot of common sense), a very hard upbringing with no role models or good family values... We have spent a considerable amount of time together over the last couple years as we were living together. We have great conversations together about all typesnof topics. Sometimes she ca n get quiet qnd shy. She has dreams of having a family with kids, never being being divorced, a house and lot, and having a job.

These are very realistic and obtainable dreams from my view but these are huge dreams for her. I just listen to her without judgement and support her. I am very patient and if she doesn't want to open up or talk that particular moment, I don't push her.. Her dreams will

maybe change, maybe not with being exposed to more life experience and seeing the world.

I also get the, "it's up to you"' and I need to make the decison or choose. I'm ok with this as when she really wNts something, she will let me know. She is getting better at being more outgoing and taking charge, I don't push..

Next step is the U.S and I'm sure there will be some hurdles and a period of adjustment for her. The one thing we have going for us is we already know each other very well so as she adjusts to life in the states, there won't be the added pressures of getting to know one another..

She loves her country as I do as well. It was never her dream to go to the U.S, it's just

where my current job is. She just wants to be with me and doesn't care where it is. But she definitely wants to establish some type of business and have a house and lot in the Phils... It's a very simple life that she wants and I'm onboard with this as my life 10 years ago was very busy and complex.

My advice is very simple, just be patient and time will help out the issues you are having.. Good luck and great post...

[jane_smith 2]

I came from a very poor family much worse,when both of my parents died, I had a very difficult and painful life along the way. There were times when you think that life was unfair and I was somehow blinded on what was the future held for me. But this reality never discouraged me but instead pushed me to dream even bigger things in the future. When I had scholarship opportunity (Praise the Lord!), I studied hard, so focused and very determined to reach my goals and dreams in life. Hardships in life,poverty and losing both parents paved my way to where I am right now (by God's grace). Like me, my husband is futuristic, goal-oriented, and a dreamer. We share the same goals and future for our family. He is very consultative and help me open up what I desire in the future and I do the same as well.

Just give her more time to slowly open up about the future. She will eventually speak up when the right time comes. Just be consistent on becoming a futuristic and dreamer. She will get by along the way. I understand that it's quite hard if only the other partner is thinking about the future and you seem like dragging her. She will realize someday that it is the two of you who will build your future and her inputs and ideas are very crucial and important. I pray that everything will work out for you. God bless and keep you safe in His loving arms:-)

[X Factor 1,111]

Just give her more time to slowly open up about the future. She will eventually speak up when the right time comes. Just be consistent on becoming a futuristic and dreamer. She will get by along the way. I understand that it's quite hard if only the other partner is thinking about the future and you seem like dragging her. She will realize someday that it is the two of you who will build your future and her inputs and ideas are very crucial and important. I pray that everything will work out for you. God bless and keep you safe in His loving arms:-)

Well said. Patience is key. Each situation is different. At first my sweet fiancee didn't talk much of the future beyond our wedding. But as the time goes by and I made her comfortable she is slowly telling me about her dreams. It is quite a break through when it happens