Is this typical for a Filipina?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Is this typical for a Filipina?

Short answer, "No!"

[andrew&evelyn 6]

I'm Filipina,I too came from a province and poor family. Dreams? I know I really wanted to be married and have kids and this is one of my biggest dream. And now its already happened so I dream more like someday I want hubby and I to travel around the world and when we get old I dream of us living in an island back in the Philippines with a nice beach and then watch the sunset together:) Just dreaming.....

[JoBri 548]

I am baffled by a LOT of things about my wife, and there is no getting to the answers, for me at least... She just tells me "that is just what I am really like", as if we just met yesterday and not after 6 years of knowing her? What she is really like is just plain confusing. She always has kept a lot on the inside veiled, and I never have been able to see clearly through that veil no matter what.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Brijo

[KKJJ 16]

I am a Filipina I came from a poor family too and poverty made me strive, create goals, plans and have dreams. You can start sharing you goals or dreams to her, talk about your hobbies that you want to share with her, the kind of family you will build with her, if you want kids, how many if she wants to work or not when you have babies and stuff like that. From there she might know a little bit what to expect or how life will be then she’ll start sharing hopefully. Cause for me it is important for you to know what she wants in life and same to her.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

My pinay is also tight lipped alot of times when I talk about the future and share my goals. Basically she is counting on me to make the right decisions for both of us. The only thing she thinks is about what if this or what if that.

Her main goals are for us to be together and start a family, just be happy in general. Also financially secure, not rich but decent.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

You are going to marry this girl, but do not know her culture?

Let's come back to this.

Filipinos are ephemeral thinkers.

All Filipinos?

They do not think about the future.

None of them?

Only the day.

Not yesterday or tomorrow?

That's why simple things for a westerner are lost in the mind of the Filipino.

Like...Not there? Gone? Never was never is never will? Like... I'm a Filipino and I'm clueless!...?

Such as 1) saving money, 2) using birth control 3) getting an education 4) even showering and brushing their teeth.

1) My wife had a savings account when we met and still does. Asawa Ko invests via a few mutual funds too. Furthermore, My wife's credit management is spot on.

2) Catholic..Pope...Vatican...none of that rings a bell?

3) My wife has a college degree. Business Management. 2 of our bunsos...4th year Legal Management and 2nd year Computer Science.

4) Is your "girl" mabaho and stinky breath?

Just a different culture.

OK...let's go back...may I borrow your original question?

You married your "girl" and don't understand her culture?

Edited July 18, 2012 by Crashed~N2~Me

[MangoAve 25]

How old is your fiance? Age might be a factor to not know everything she wants in her life. Like some posted on her, maybe her dream is to only be married and have a family, so she can't tell you any more. Pinay do tend to worry about the now with less planning for the future, so it's only a possibility she is like this.

Have you considered the fact that she may have realized that she knows nothing of how things are here? It's a culture shock and a big difference of climate. I mention climate because...well, how many people go to the beach or have barbeques ect during the winter? Life is significantly different during January than it is in July. She only has perceptions on how things are here so she doesn't know how to think about a future here. Dreams and goals when you are a realist, you need to have some experince first.

[Mogambi 96]

Why is everyone harping on this guy? He asked an innocent question, in the hopes of understanding and therefore treating his wife better. He wasn't trying to berate or judge her, just help to understand.

Lighten up people.

[Calypso 464]

Ask her what she'd like to experience. Does she want to travel, make money, be a dedicated housewife, save the world from dark forces or just sit around? The answers may not come right away and they will change through time but help her get started somewhere. If she doesn't have a single idea then offer some options that you believe are fitting for her or will match her abilities. If she's not capable of doing a thing then suggest that she can take up lessons of her choice.

Basically she is counting on me to make the right decisions for both of us. The only thing she thinks is about what if this or what if that.

Being aware of that is a good start. I hope you won't be complacent and just really take the role of deciding for both of you. Relationships are better made of mutuality, or at least interdependence. If you don't think she's self-sufficient, then you gotta guide her to be so.

How old is your fiance? Age might be a factor to not know everything she wants in her life. Like some posted on her, maybe her dream is to only be married and have a family, so she can't tell you any more. Pinay do tend to worry about the now with less planning for the future, so it's only a possibility she is like this.

Have you considered the fact that she may have realized that she knows nothing of how things are here? It's a culture shock and a big difference of climate. I mention climate because...well, how many people go to the beach or have barbeques ect during the winter? Life is significantly different during January than it is in July. She only has perceptions on how things are here so she doesn't know how to think about a future here. Dreams and goals when you are a realist, you need to have some experince first.

I have many little cousins in the Philippines and I heard one of them say when he was six years old that he wanted to be a truck driver when he grows up so he could buy his favorite bread everyday. Most people, big and small, wanna do something, wanna be someone, or wanna go somewhere. It's interesting how some posters here try to explain why a person lacks opinions and goals for the future.

OT: I don't know why but sometimes I have a feeling that there are posters here who think they're saving their wife or fiancee from a presumably difficult life in the Philippines. Hero complex.

[Caryh 5,206]

Ask her what she'd like to experience. Does she want to travel, make money, be a dedicated housewife, save the world from dark forces or just sit around? The answers may not come right away and they will change through time but help her get started somewhere. If she doesn't have a single idea then offer some options that you believe are fitting for her or will match her abilities. If she's not capable of doing a thing then suggest that she can take up lessons of her choice.

Being aware of that is a good start. I hope you won't be complacent and just really take the role of deciding for both of you. Relationships are better made of mutuality, or at least interdependence. If you don't think she's self-sufficient, then you gotta guide her to be so.

I have many little cousins in the Philippines and I heard one of them say when he was six years old that he wanted to be a truck driver when he grows up so he could buy his favorite bread everyday. Most people, big and small, wanna do something, wanna be someone, or wanna go somewhere. It's interesting how some posters here try to explain why a person lacks opinions and goals for the future.

OT: I don't know why but sometimes I have a feeling that there are posters here who think they're saving their wife or fiancee from a presumably difficult life in the Philippines. Hero complex.

My wife's dreams are changing and growing as her knowledge of the USA does. But a big one is us being back in the Philippines. One dream I never knew she had was to own a real store there, not a sari sari, but a regular store. She's developing dreams here to. More schooling, a more responsible job, travelling around the world, but they're in a state of flux now. Changing and mixing with unspoken dreams she had when living in the Philippines. I don't think she really spoke about dreams other than being married and having children when she was in the Philippines. When I would ask her what type of work she'd like to do in the USA, she had no idea.

She also leaves many things up to me. We can discuss them, but very often she wants me to be the one who decides in the end. But I better decide the right way at times to. Thats a fairly funny line I've been learning to identify.

As to being her Hero or Savior for bringing her to America, I'm actually more the bad guy that took her away from her beloved Philippines because she fell in love with me. Still there are many things she could easily do herself that she wants me to do for her. Order her food when we go out to eat, or even speaking for her to government officials. She has to get her immigration status check updated on her drivers license now that her green card is in. She could easily do it by herself, but she wants me there with her. She even asked me if I didn't like doing those things for her now. I guess that put me in my place, I'm just a dumb guy after all. But I guess its my job to be her face and spokesman to the official world. I've seen her many times in her own country represent her business, her family and herself, it just seems strange to take on this role now when I'm so used to seeing her do so much on her own in the Philippines. But then I wasn't her husband then and it was her country before. I'm not sure which of those two things is the biggest difference now?

[John&Juvy 36]

I know there are people in this forum, who may have good intentions,and want to provide comments or feedback, based on their personal ideals and experiences. But I sincerely want to better understand my fiancee, a Filipina, and would most appreciate feedback from other Filipinas.

First a little background information. I am a US citizen. I come from a middle class, and large family. It's typical for my family and I, to talk about our dreams, goals, and plans for the future. My fiancee comes from a poor, and large family. She and I can talk about most any topic, from our past, to what is happening in our daily life now. But when we get to the topic of future planning, goals, dreams,aspirations, my fiancee really has no input.

She told me she rarely talks about her goals and dreams, to anyone,including her own family. She said she has some dreams, goals, but she just keeps it to herself. I know she has had some disappointments in her life – failed past relationship, to other things she has failed at, but this is a part of her life that she has a difficult time opening up to me about.

As a couple, I think it is fine that both share with each other, their goals, dreams, and aspirations, as a way to better understand each other. I do not know why she is so guarded about this topic, but if I had to guess, I would say part of the problem is she comes from a poor family, where her focus is her current life and just day to day survival, and perhaps because of that pressure, she cannot allow herself to dream, or even think about her future.

I love my fiancee very much. As I stated before, we can talk about most topics, and I would love for her to feel comfortable enough to open up to me about her dreams, goals, and aspirations.

I realize I am writing this from the perspective of a US citizen, and that I may have a blind spot. That is why I would truly appreciate some insight, from other Filipinas, especially those who have lived similar lives, to help me better understand.

Am I missing something?

Anything I should do, or not do?

Anything I should do differently?

Your sincere insight will be most appreciated.

Maybe for now she just happy to be with you and enjoy the minute of every momment of it lol. Especially if she just got here in the US. Also there is alot more of adjustment for her probably than to focus of your quistion of what she want in the future. Who knows, maybe actually in her mind is what she wants is you to tell her if what's your plan in your both future together than asking her what's her plan alone. Why not try to tell her if what's your plan and goals for the both of you, then ask her for her opinion and if she have other more better idea about it. Also give her plenty of time and be more open minded and patience about her. She will really going to need that. Not easy to adjust in a new place without your old friends and famillies around. Took me almost 2 years before I totally adjusted in lifestyle in this country. Goodluck to both of you .

[Caryh 5,206]

Maybe for now she just happy to be with you and enjoy the minute of every momment of it lol. Especially if she just got here in the US. Also there is alot more of adjustment for her probably than to focus of your quistion of what she want in the future. Who knows, maybe actually in her mind is what she wants is you to tell her if what's your plan in your both future together than asking her what's her plan alone. Why not try to tell her if what's your plan and goals for the both of you, then ask her for her opinion and if she have other more better idea about it. Also give her plenty of time and be more open minded and patience about her. She will really going to need that. Not easy to adjust in a new place without your old friends and famillies around. Took me almost 2 years before I totally adjusted in lifestyle in this country. Goodluck to both of you .

So only 14 more months for my wife then?

I never really understood how hard the adjustment was until my wife got here. I'll be very happy when she's through the entire adjustment process. She's came so far in 10 months, but she's still going through parts of it.

[rlogan 2,036]

Maybe this is one of the hard things about meeting on the internet.

I was living with her family for months before I went back home and filed K-1. I had been to Philippines many times over the years too, and knew the cultures there before I met her. When you see them around everyone who is important to them for that length of time you know what they're thinking, in its cultural context.

I understand why people meet on the internet and they're working so they can't just uproot for months. But it's a good strategy to maximize the amount of time you can spend with her family, close friends, cousins, the little sister... That way too she'll come to know what you're all about pretty quick too.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

You are going to marry this girl, but do not know her culture?

Filipinos are ephemeral thinkers. They do not think about the future. Only the day. That's why simple things for a westerner are lost in the mind of the Filipino.

Such as saving money, using birth control, getting an education, even showering and brushing their teeth. Just a different culture.

Man, I can't help but think you are way off base here. Thinking about their future, be it from an employment or marital point of view, is pretty important in all the Filipinas I have met and talked to.

My wife saved a lot of money before we met and during our dating months.

And as for showering and brushing teeth... that is an individual thing, certainly does not apply to a group of people, unless they live under the same roof. I know my wife brushes at least three times a day, and flosses about the same. Never had a cavity in her life. And has the sweetest breath I have ever been around. So if you are insinuating that Filipinas aren't as clean as Americans... you are WAY wrong. Ever hear of a tabo before you met her? I think not...

[Caryh 5,206]

And as for showering and brushing teeth... that is an individual thing, certainly does not apply to a group of people, unless they live under the same roof. I know my wife brushes at least three times a day, and flosses about the same. Never had a cavity in her life. And has the sweetest breath I have ever been around. So if you are insinuating that Filipinas aren't as clean as Americans... you are WAY wrong. Ever hear of a tabo before you met her? I think not...

Everyone is an individual, but the clean gene runs a pretty high percentage in the Philippines. Although its not an "all of them" type of thing either. I've been to some homes in the Philippines that were not even close to clean. I've often wondered if its a culturally trained survival trait. If you don't keep yourself and your environment clean enough, some tropical bug or germ is going to get you decreasing the chance of survival. Those that learn to stay clean, have a better chance of living long enough to have and train children to be clean. Also if don't sweep the house often enough in a day and the ants will be all over the place biting your feet and legs to.