Is this typical for a Filipina?

[visaopt 3]

I know there are people in this forum, who may have good intentions,and want to provide comments or feedback, based on their personal ideals and experiences. But I sincerely want to better understand my fiancee, a Filipina, and would most appreciate feedback from other Filipinas.

First a little background information. I am a US citizen. I come from a middle class, and large family. It's typical for my family and I, to talk about our dreams, goals, and plans for the future. My fiancee comes from a poor, and large family. She and I can talk about most any topic, from our past, to what is happening in our daily life now. But when we get to the topic of future planning, goals, dreams,aspirations, my fiancee really has no input.

She told me she rarely talks about her goals and dreams, to anyone,including her own family. She said she has some dreams, goals, but she just keeps it to herself. I know she has had some disappointments in her life – failed past relationship, to other things she has failed at, but this is a part of her life that she has a difficult time opening up to me about.

As a couple, I think it is fine that both share with each other, their goals, dreams, and aspirations, as a way to better understand each other. I do not know why she is so guarded about this topic, but if I had to guess, I would say part of the problem is she comes from a poor family, where her focus is her current life and just day to day survival, and perhaps because of that pressure, she cannot allow herself to dream, or even think about her future.

I love my fiancee very much. As I stated before, we can talk about most topics, and I would love for her to feel comfortable enough to open up to me about her dreams, goals, and aspirations.

I realize I am writing this from the perspective of a US citizen, and that I may have a blind spot. That is why I would truly appreciate some insight, from other Filipinas, especially those who have lived similar lives, to help me better understand.

Am I missing something?

Anything I should do, or not do?

Anything I should do differently?

Your sincere insight will be most appreciated.

[amykathleen2005 441]

I cannot give you Philippines specific information. But you are right, people who are from a culture of poverty are often very driven for the moment as the moment is what is needed to survive another day. I would think that when she is able to relax and not have to be in survival mode she may begin to open up and feel like her dreams are possible.

[Thomas&Cleofe 358]

It is also true that woman from the province still live in a culture where the man is dominant and make decisions about future plans. So she feels that you are the one to decide and she feels she is not able to openly speak about her dreams and goals. My wife is exactly the same, but I am slowly getting her to feel that she is an equal to me and that her dreams are important to me.

[Shawn C 11]

It is difficult with my fiancee as well, I think it's difficult to have lofty dreams when you had no chance of anything coming true. I expect once she gets to the states and your life together starts sinking in, she will allow her self to dream and look into the future more.

[Que Saudade 284]

As a couple, I think it is fine that both share with each other, their goals, dreams, and aspirations, as a way to better understand each other. I do not know why she is so guarded about this topic, but if I had to guess, I would say part of the problem is she comes from a poor family, where her focus is her current life and just day to day survival, and perhaps because of that pressure, she cannot allow herself to dream, or even think about her future.

It is quite impressive that you seek to understand the situation better. A true selfless act of love.

I think you already understand the root of her not wanting to "risk" any more disappointments by sharing out loud her dreams. That is a common tactic employed for self-survival when under "not-so-good" circumstances. It is quite possible that she just doesn't want to risk being letdown again with her dreams as she has experienced painful letdowns in the past. Continue being patient and just allow her to open up when she becomes comfortable and confident with her future. It may be that once she gets here in the states that she seek guidance from a counselor (either alone or as a couple or both) to help overcome "possible" traumatic experiences she has encountered or perceived.

Once again, I commend you for being man enough to show your sensitive side. It appears to me, as humble as my opinion can be, that you already understand. I wish you two the best and a life of long lived love for each other.

[halgen 0]

Hi,

I had courted my fiance 4 years when in our fourth year the interview at the embassy took place. I had been to see her three times. She has been here a little more than a year now. My wife is from Davao City. She is now 27, and I am 49. There are times we have communication troubles... part of it is age differences as we are each in different seasons of life. Part of it is culture. Part of it is language...We BOTH really love each other a lot!

I will ask her to comment to you regarding this topic. I happened in here because I am helping another friend to finish his petition process. I happened to see your post.

I will say that Filipinas will often get tight lipped about certain topics for different reasons. Part of it is "tampo" (if I spelled it correctly). It can last hours to days...or in some cases a lifetime (from what I understand). They get quiet, almost pouting or angry. I'm not sure which emotion to tie to it. It most likely is a variety of emotions where they are deeply disappointed, hurt, and angry.

I think you probably are correct with your insights. It is also possible that she may "feel shy" to discuss certain topics. This is a very, very strong emotion as well. She may feel shy to talk about her dreams--stemming from not wanting to be considered materialistic, misjudged, or perceived as an opportunist. It is hard to say why without knowing her.

The best thing would be to discuss it with my wife...Have you tried asking your fiance???

I'm sure my wife will have questions for you about it.

My name is Hal...would you feel comfortable emailing us? pumpkin_hal@yahoo.com (my wife assigned the email for me LOL). I will have her discuss it with you.

Regards.

[Calypso 464]

She and I can talk about most any topic, from our past, to what is happening in our daily life now. But when we get to the topic of future planning, goals, dreams,aspirations, my fiancee really has no input. Is this typical for a Filipina?

No. As a Filipina, I will never say this and that trait, behavior, characteristic, disposition or attitude is typical for a Filipina, a poor Filipina, an educated Filipina or a Filipina coming from a province.

As a couple, I think it is fine that both share with each other, their goals, dreams, and aspirations, as a way to better understand each other. I do not know why she is so guarded about this topic, but if I had to guess, I would say part of the problem is she comes from a poor family, where her focus is her current life and just day to day survival, and perhaps because of that pressure, she cannot allow herself to dream, or even think about her future.

There is no need for you to make excuses on her behalf as to why she barely has something to say about her goals and the future. Poverty has nothing to do about not dreaming or setting goals. What if she actually has not decided what to do and she doesn't know what she really wants?

[Mogambi 96]

I think you probably nailed it. My fiancé also comes from a quite poor family. But she shares me that she'd like to have a job, maybe someday build a house back home in the Philippines.

Just a couple thoughts from another USC's point of view:

1) Don't forget that your fiance's hope and dreams may very well be different than your own. Much simpler. She might be shy to even talk about them, thinking they're not worth to talk about.

2) Don't push her. I find with my fiancé if I push, even gently, it often backfires and she just shuts down a bit. So just create an environment for her to WANT to share those things, it will come in time.

But just be gentle. And remember that opening up for a FIlipina is hard, at least I find it that way. My fiancé tends to hold things in much more than an American woman would.

[TiklingGuy 211]

My two cents would be to have patience with her about it. I would come up with a good plan for your family and just bring here into it. There's definitely adjustments periods for her and you. Some things will change for sure but she will trust you to carry her in this new environment and soon as her feet are wet, i think her shynes about her ambitions will start to disappear. Trust me from experience, Monreal exhausts the ####### right out of me now adays!

[Mogambi 96]

And it's true of course that the statements that we're making here don't apply to ALL Filipina women. But there ARE traits and characteristics, and cultural things, that DO make it valid to make larger generalizations. This isn't meant as any disrespect at all. But there are some larger traits and are different usually between an American and a Filipino.

My fiancé arrives August 8th. By far my biggest concern it help her adjust to what will be a different life here. I'm thinking ahead to helping her try to find new friends here, scouting asian markets for the foods she's going to want, exploring local community colleges since she really wants to study something, and take some more advanced ESL classes (also I hope a good way to make some friends). I've been working on our home, setting up for her a little office of her own, cleaning out closets to give her lots of space, bought new furniture for her. She's been taking driving lessons in Manila and recently got her license there, so she can practice driving here and we'll find her a car.

But it's going to be a huge adjustment, and I only hope that I can create a comfortable environment for her that she'll be happy here.

[YourHumboldtBud 2]

Allow me to play Devil's Advocate so to speak. There are aspects to keep in mind. True that you are from the land of milk and honey, at least this how most people living outside of the USA percieve it; where you have a money tree growing in the backyard... It's hard to think outside the box, if you never been out of it, I will assume she's never been outside of PI let alone her island if she's that poor. I would go as far as saying her actions are based on her experiences. People who've had it hard...have had it HARD in the Philippines, it's not like the "hardships" poverty sticken America has to deal with... Over there it's sink or swim, there is no government assistance, food stamps, low income housing, free education or vocational job training for the "less fortunate", unemployment insurance, etc... She was raised in an evironment where community and family help each other out just to put food on the table, clothes on thier back and a roof over their head... She comes from a country that is considered one of the TOP 3 MOST CORRUPT countries in the world, her mind has been brainwashed since birth, you can see the blatant corrupt practices at every turn.

Family members can also turn on her like enemies due to jealousy and acts of selfishness. These are things I've seen all too often from families in PI. When those who should be providing the most support are the ones trying hardest to break you up. I know first hand, my fiancee's sister has never liked me from the beginning even though I've never done anything but been helpful to them, later on I find out from an aunt who supports me and my fiancee, that the sister doesn't like me for her sister, because she wants a local Congressman for her sister, thinking that is the best route...but for whom? She's gone as far as recruiting other friends and family to her cause. The only thing that ends up happening is she causes misery and discord to the family...all because she "loves" her sister and doesn't want her makign the biggest mistake of her life...for whom?.... All this strife is due to my appearance, or was it because of her actions... It's silly and pointless, and people love pointing fingers rather than looking inward. Even her parents see it, have even tried to quell the topic, but they try to remain "neutral" amongst the siblings

I really wouldn't be surprised if aspects which I've laid out for you aren't actually in play as we speak, the moment my fiancee says anything regarding our relationship; those who were rallied and are "against us" have nothing but negative things to say about us. Hence your fiancee's possible reluctance to open up. She's probably got people whispering in her ear, saying things like: are you sure his intentions are true, are you sure he's really coming back for you, are you sure he doesn't have 10 other girlfriends, like most foreigners who visit PI have...

Until you actually get her out of that environment and she is able to see things from a different perspective, assume she'll be turtled up...This is my honest possible assessment of your situation. There are aspects within her family dynamic you may NEVER find out, due to her wanting to "protect you" from being hurt or the individual(s) talking/acting negatively due to your situation.

[Que Saudade 284]

And it's true of course that the statements that we're making here don't apply to ALL Filipina women. But there ARE traits and characteristics, and cultural things, that DO make it valid to make larger generalizations. This isn't meant as any disrespect at all. But there are some larger traits and are different usually between an American and a Filipino.

My fiancé arrives August 8th. By far my biggest concern it help her adjust to what will be a different life here. I'm thinking ahead to helping her try to find new friends here, scouting asian markets for the foods she's going to want, exploring local community colleges since she really wants to study something, and take some more advanced ESL classes (also I hope a good way to make some friends). I've been working on our home, setting up for her a little office of her own, cleaning out closets to give her lots of space, bought new furniture for her. She's been taking driving lessons in Manila and recently got her license there, so she can practice driving here and we'll find her a car.

But it's going to be a huge adjustment, and I only hope that I can create a comfortable environment for her that she'll be happy here.

Mogambi made some great points. When my wife first came over, I encouraged her to help "redecorate" our house so that she had her personal touch on it. This helped make my house, "her"/our home. Mogambi helped me remember how wonderful this time was for her as she was able to pick out things that she liked. This was a great stepping stone for her to actually be physically involved with building our home together. I remember at some point her saying how she "always wanted a floral scene in the bathroom". While this may seem trivial to others, I think you can see and understand how this was a huge process for her. I hope that you and your fiancé get to have family building times like that (however they present themselves). Sorry for rambling, Magambi's post jogged my memory about this and I wanted to share it with you.

So maybe you can involve her indirectly by asking her "opinion" on things around the house etc.... But, as someone else pointed out, stay patient and don't "push" her. (not that you would) Just keep giving her the opportunity to chime in when she is ready. When she finally does give you something along those lines, remember to give sincere, modest adoration. Love is a wonderful thing ehhh?

[YourHumboldtBud 2]

Allow me to play Devil's Advocate so to speak. There are aspects to keep in mind. True that you are from the land of milk and honey, at least this how most people living outside of the USA percieve it; where you have a money tree growing in the backyard... It's hard to think outside the box, if you've never been out of it, I'll assume she's never been outside of PI let alone her island if she's from that poor of a background. I would go as far as saying her actions are based on her experiences. People who've had it hard...have had it HARD in the Philippines, it's not like the "hardships" poverty sticken America has to deal with... Over there it's sink or swim, there is no government assistance, food stamps, low income housing, free education or vocational job training for the "less fortunate", unemployment insurance, etc... She was raised in an evironment where community and family help each other out just to put food on the table, clothes on their back and a roof over their head... She comes from a country that is considered one of the TOP 3 MOST CORRUPT countries in the world, her mind has been brainwashed since birth, you can see the blatant corrupt practices at every turn.

Family members can also turn on her like enemies due to jealousy and acts of selfishness. These are things I've seen all too often from families in PI. When those who should be providing the most support are the ones trying hardest to break you up. I know first hand, my fiancee's sister has never liked me from the beginning even though I've never done anything but been helpful to them, later on I find out from an aunt who supports me and my fiancee, that the sister doesn't like me for her sister, because she wants a local Congressman for her sister, thinking that is the best route...but for whom? She has her own ambitions and visions about how to raise her family's status. She's gone as far as recruiting other friends and family to her cause. The only thing that ends up happening is she causes misery and discord to the family...all because she "loves" her sister and doesn't want her makign the biggest mistake of her life...for whom?.... All this strife is due to my appearance apparently, or was it because of her initiated actions... It's silly and pointless, and people love pointing fingers rather than looking inward. Even her parents see it, have even tried to quell the topic, but they try to remain "neutral" amongst the siblings, otherwise the support($$) provided by the current bread winner stops coming. The sister has "caught" a boyfriend from one of the most affluent families in their area and wants my fiancee to follow suit, and align herself with the epitome of why the Philippines will always be a "developing country" and never actually be "developed"... My coming onto the scene threatens that vision and her current stauts as bread winner even though inadvertant is now threatened by the idea that her older sister may be coming to America and actually provide a "better" way of uplifting her family's status... Anyway I digress, this is just a real life example of the nonsense that happens in PI with people who don't know any better.

I really wouldn't be surprised if aspects which I've laid out for you aren't actually in play as we speak, the moment my fiancee says anything regarding our relationship; those who were rallied and are "against us" have nothing but negative things to say about us. Hence your fiancee's possible reluctance to open up. It's safer to say nothing than something unless it's actually in her grasp. She's probably got people whispering in her ear, saying things like: are you sure his intentions are true, are you sure he's really coming back for you, are you sure he doesn't have 10 other girlfriends, like most foreigners who visit PI have...

Until you actually get her out of that environment and she is able to see things from a different perspective, assume she'll be turtled up...This is my honest possible assessment of your situation. There are aspects within her family dynamic you may NEVER find out, due to her wanting to "protect you" from being hurt or the individual(s) talking/acting negatively due to your situation.

[rlogan 2,036]

That is why I would truly appreciate some insight, from other Filipinas, especially those who have lived similar lives, to help me better understand. [/color]

I read it to my wife. She said:

"Tell the wife to be open. No secrets in the Marriage."

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

My wife is a Filipina, and has lots of lofty dreams, as have most of her friends. It seems like they have a punch list that keeps getting longer, of all the experiences they want to have, now that they have left the Philippines behind. So, we are having a hard time relating to OP's and others experiences here. I often have to bring the wife back to some sort of reality, to the needs and concerns of what is happening right now. I am the pragmatist, she is the dreamer.