Anybody else's family have issues with you moving?

[Caryh 5,206]

My wife's family was happy for her and supported her. But they also let her know she would be sorely missed. Her niece, who she was like a mother to and primary caretaker to, was very unhappy and still asks her when she's coming back. Her niece is in the first grade. My wife and her sister lived together, and while her sister worked outside the house, my wife ran the family business in the house and kept watch over her niece for the past few years. My wife was also the member of the family who smoothed things over. If someone needed something, they came to her and she worked it out. If someone was taking advantage of another family member, my wife was the one who had the talk with them. So obviously there was a big hole left in the family when she left. Even though they supported her in coming to the USA, that hole left behind can be seen by the two of us. That has not been easy for her to see and the guilt runs high at times. Add that on top of homesickness and she can get pretty emotional at times. Particularly when she discovers something has gone wrong that she never would have allowed to happen before.

As to being the family member than smooths things over, that still occurs at times, but now its text requests and sending texts to solve it. Slowly things are finding their new way. The family back home learning to live without her. Her accepting there are some things she can't control or don anything about. But there's still a niece that asks her when she will come home 10 months after she left and it makes my wife sad when she hears it.

[aaydrian 479]

My wife's family was happy for her and supported her. But they also let her know she would be sorely missed. Her niece, who she was like a mother to and primary caretaker to, was very unhappy and still asks her when she's coming back. Her niece is in the first grade. My wife and her sister lived together, and while her sister worked outside the house, my wife ran the family business in the house and kept watch over her niece for the past few years. My wife was also the member of the family who smoothed things over. If someone needed something, they came to her and she worked it out. If someone was taking advantage of another family member, my wife was the one who had the talk with them. So obviously there was a big hole left in the family when she left. Even though they supported her in coming to the USA, that hole left behind can be seen by the two of us. That has not been easy for her to see and the guilt runs high at times. Add that on top of homesickness and she can get pretty emotional at times. Particularly when she discovers something has gone wrong that she never would have allowed to happen before.

As to being the family member than smooths things over, that still occurs at times, but now its text requests and sending texts to solve it. Slowly things are finding their new way. The family back home learning to live without her. Her accepting there are some things she can't control or don anything about. But there's still a niece that asks her when she will come home 10 months after she left and it makes my wife sad when she hears it.

Really unfortunate that the peacemaker/voice of reason is no longer readily available but such is life. Things are constantly changing so your new family should do just fine esp if some of the members become level headed themselves.

[Lalo & Susana 50]

I am the US citizen but my fiance's family for the most part is very supportive. His grandmother and aunts (who raised him) love me and are very excited and happy for us that we have finally decided to get married. They never told my fiance to stay or leave Chile but rather allowed him to make the decision on his own then when he decided to move to USA they told him they thought it was the best decision for us as a couple and when we finally have kids. Since the education system in Chile isn't the best right now. My family is also very supportive and told us no matter what we need in the USA they will help us. My father is actually already talking to his friends about potential jobs for my fiance while my mom and sister are looking into venues for the wedding. The only person who is not supportive of this relationship is my fiance's mother. But she abandoned my fiance and his sister when they were 5 & 7 years old and didn't see them until 23 years passed and my fiance went looking for her. She told him she doesn't want him to come to the USA bc I speak spanish weird and it makes her not trust me. hahahahaha She has never met me she only heard me on the phone talking to my fiance for his birthday. I was born and raised in NY to two Chilean parents so I obviously have an accent. Apparently that makes me untrustworthy. haha

I think your family will just miss you a lot that is why they are trying to convince you to stay. Yes it gets old but maybe you should sit them down and talk to them about how their attitude is making you feel. Just remember this is your life if you want to go to the USA then go and enjoy every second of it! Good luck!

[issha2lynden 77]

This is a very good topic, most of the responses dripped my tears, It really hits home. I am the youngest in the brood of 6 and since I was privileged to have a good income in my home county most of my sibs would often run to me for help. I served my community, tried to joggle work and church then I am a mother to motherless, a friend, a playmate. I can give so much of my time and even money to family ..the scenario was just like that until my parents passed away and before I knew it time passed by on me pretty quick and I felt lonely and single and old ha ha. I am such a hard head that no one could pressure me of getting married those times until I came talking to myself.."all of them are married and I am left behind, man, I'm gonna die alone" heck the thought got into my head and so when a handsome nice man tricked me I hurried grabbed the opportunity to marry!! :rofl: . On my day of departure, there were crying and my best friend can't even afford to see me leaving so she missed the airport drama but everybody was just so happy for me..IT IS MY TIME..MY CHANCE TO BE HAPPY.

[Mr. Borkström 63]

I don't have my visa yet so I don't know for sure how it's going to be. Most of my family and friends are not only OK with my moving to America, but they think it's cool. Almost everyone has said something like "oh cool, then we can come visit". Which has meant a lot to me. I am following my heart and I am glad everyone is supportive.

There are only a couple of exceptions. Well, honestly I don't know exactly how my dad feels, he hasn't really said much. I think he's supportive, but he's also been to the US himself enough time to not think it's really that cool anymore. My youngest brother, on the other hand, am a bit jealous I think. A couple of years ago (before I met my wife) I talked to him and he said he would probably like to move to NYC when he gets older, when his son (my nephew) is all grown up.

My other brother, the middle brother (I'm the oldest of three btw) is not as excited. He's more sad cause he'll be missing me. Not that we meet that often, even living in the same town and not so far from each other either, and not that we talk that often on the phone either, but still... He's happy for me of course, but he's a much more sentimental type of person than our youngest brother. So I think he will miss me a lot.

My mom I am also not 100 % sure of. I know she's very happy for me and she really digs my wife, so that's a plus. She also loves America and she has big plans for her and dad's first visit once I have moved. My cousin is studying at a college in New York so the plan is she's going to drag dad to NYC for the graduation, then head back to Pittsburgh with my wife and I (we also plan on going to the graduation, as my wife especially has always wanted to visit New York).

But while she's excited about that, she's also trying to come to terms with me moving to a faraway country, I think. I can understand it. I will also miss my family and friends of course. But I'm a grown man, 36 years old, and I have to do what's right by me. But I guess that's how parents feel, regardless of how old their kids are. The cool thing is she wished for a webcam for her birthday about a week ago, so that we can talk on Skype once I move. So while she's coming to terms with it, I think she's mostly cool with it and happy for me and my wife.

The only ones who I think did not like it at all were my paternal grandparents. My maternal grandpa I think is kinda excited for me, and I think he would like to come visit me and my wife in Pittsburgh (if he can just talk my grandma into going on the long flight), especially since he has been there before (my aunt worked there as an au pair about 15-20 year ago). My paternal grandparents though felt like America was very far away and distant and big and scary. So while they were happy for me too, they, much like my middle brother, were a little bit sad, also partly I think because they were very old themselves and I actually visited them quite a lot, since I live very close to where they lived. They have both passed away now, though, so... you know. That's not an issue anymore.

No one has ever really tried to guilt me into staying put in little ol' Sweden, which I am thankful for. I think maybe the guilt thing may be more directed at women though, but that's just my personal opinion.

Saying goodbye is going to suck donkey nuts though, so our overall plan is actually to sort of play that down as much as possible. My parents are not going to drive me to the airport, I'm not going to ask my family to throw me a goodbye party etc etc. I plan on having a small get-together for a couple of my closest friends, but that's all.

I've waited for so long to be with my wife. I'm sure I'll get homesick at times and I'm sure I'll miss everyone and everything here at times... but right now I just want to move so I can be with the woman I love.

[Holly2234 66]

Youre right Mr. Borkstrom, it seems to be mothers of women most of the time! My brother lives in another area of the UK and she is fine with that. When i used to live with her, she would cry when i went on 3 week trips to the US! I kind of understand though, i would feel the same if my daughter was moving to a different country but i wouldnt openly show i was upset. Im her mum so im the one there for her, not the other way around. Thats the part thats getting old. Ive got the pieces to pick up for my mother AND my daughter!

We wont be having parties or anything and i think we're gonna get the train to the airport! Its just easier all round for us to go with no fuss. I dont want it to turn into miserable goodbye, because i will be back for a visit! Id rather it be "Hello future". Glass half full and all that

[GandK 168]

I think the stages involved go like this

1) Disbelief, they don't believe that you are actually really really going to move to another country. Most of the response I got was "You are moving to Hawaii?!? No waaaay"

2) Denial, they keep denying the thought of you leaving and hoping that you might change your mind before the departure date. "My mom kept preaching me for months about how great my opportunities are here and how difficult it will be for me to live in a new place without job, without friends, really painting a picture of miserable future.

3) Acceptance and planning, now they have come to accepted that you are definitely leaving and there is nothing they can do to change your mind. So they start planning trips to visit you

[LlamaInvasion 76]

My family has been nothing but supportive, though they did question why we chose America, considering Norway is healthier financially, has a better job market, etc. Once I explained this was our choice, they never asked again and have just been happy that I'm happy (even though I know they are sad I have the only grand child so far away).

[Moomin 292]

Ive tried to set my mum up on Skype and Facebook and stuff but she either doesnt listen when i explain how to use it or says she is too old for Facebook Ive installed Skype on her laptop to log in when she turns it on, not that she knows/remembers! But at least i can call it and hope she picks up.

I tend not to tell her how things are going because i feel guilty for it! She does ask every time she sees me but not in an approving way. More of "That visa thing". She didnt think i was going to go until last night when she called with more guilt trips and i just had to tell her like it is. Then came the "What if you dont like it?" Really, i have to make it work. Does she think we are going to live in separate countries and fight over who has our daughter even though there is a way for us to be together?

Yeah I tried to get my parents, friends and other family members to jump on skype but it's night there when it's day here(and I'm off from work). So instead, I buy skype credits(and have a skype transfer number) and simply call my mom/dad up from my cell phone to her phone and bug her until she turns the computer on and calls me. "Moooom, it's free!"

I had the whole guilt trip as well, it started again some weeks ago as our family dog(a collie) through 13 years just passed away. My mom has a hard time supporting me when I'm homesick because I know she just wants to smile and say "come back home, Luna!!" however she enjoys that I've opened up to her more about my feelings than when living in Denmark.

You're her daughter, ofcourse she's going to do anything in her power to have you in her life, just like you do with your daughter. Your mom had the pleasure of spending time with you everyday throughout your childhood, I think it's about time you get to do that with your daughter and family. And invite your mom to visit when possible.

[Mr. Borkström 63]

Youre right Mr. Borkstrom, it seems to be mothers of women most of the time! My brother lives in another area of the UK and she is fine with that. When i used to live with her, she would cry when i went on 3 week trips to the US! I kind of understand though, i would feel the same if my daughter was moving to a different country but i wouldnt openly show i was upset. Im her mum so im the one there for her, not the other way around. Thats the part thats getting old. Ive got the pieces to pick up for my mother AND my daughter!

Yes, I imagine if I had kids and they planned on moving to a different country halfway across the world, I would miss them very much too, I totally get that. If only those stupid scientists would stop with silly things like finding a cure for cancer or ending world starvation and start working on Star Trek transporter thingamajigs, that would be awesome.

Seriously though. If a child tries to guilt his/her parent into staying, that I would sympathize with. I can understand if a parent does it to his/her child, but I don't think it's right. You can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you're going to try to make it worth with, if you know what I mean. I made my decision early on when I first realized I was in love with the woman who I am now proud and thankful to call my wife. Like I said before, I have to do what's right by me. That said, it's not easy though. My wife and I have talked about moving to Sweden in the future, once her two kids are grown and done with college n'at. If when that day comes my wife wants to still live in America though, to still be close to her kids, I can understand that, so we are definitely not making any (final) plans on a move to Sweden in the foreseeable future. We'll deal with that when that day comes.

We wont be having parties or anything and i think we're gonna get the train to the airport! Its just easier all round for us to go with no fuss. I dont want it to turn into miserable goodbye, because i will be back for a visit! Id rather it be "Hello future". Glass half full and all that

My wife and I have met in person three times. Each of those three times when we have left each other at the airport, either here in Sweden or in the US, that have been the three worst, most heartbreaking moments of my life. It's going to take a lot for me to subject myself to the same thing with my family. Cause like you said, it's not really "goodbye", it's really more like "see you later" anyway.

[lurgy 0]

Thank you for starting this thread,my plans to move to the US are causing major problems for my very independant 25 year old daughter who apparently can't cope with the thought of my leaving. The guilt trips are constant & increasing in intensity to the point they are becoming unbearable. I see her about once every few months & we exchange tests & skype & no matter how much i try to explain to her that we can still keep up that contact & she can come to the US to visit whenever ahe wants, she just cries. I will miss her & my son very much but the world is not so big anymore that this should become such an issue. I am at my wits end, i know you can never please everybody all the time but what should i do? Stay here & give up on having any kind of life of my own. I could understand it if she was a fair bit younger, silly me for thinking that she may be happy for me. Kids eh? So now i am the worlds worst mum & i am abandoning my daughter in her mind. The stress of the immigration process in itself is high enough without this as well.

It is so good to see this topic & to know i am not alone.

I feel your pain. My daughter is 23 and a Mummy's girl. It's been her and I for a long time. She gives me a lot of guilt trips and my heart breaks when she does, but I think it will be good for her in the end. Also whilst my Mother was alive she was not at all impressed about me leaving and tried many cunning tactics to get me to stay. Don't hesitate to message me if you want to talk about it, things will definitely get better, just keep being a loving mum

[Steve & Rema 4]

I don't have my Visa yet, but I spent 6 months with my Fiance in the States. My Mother got married and moved to Canada with my father, so she knows what's it's like to leave your family behind. She was sad to know that I would have to go through the same stuff, and sad to see me leave, but she knows that in the end it's my time to be happy, my time to grow up. My father on the other hand was very hard to convince, he wasn't ok with it until my Fiance promised him that someday in the years to come we'll be moving back to Canada.

I have never been away from my family for more than 2 months, so when I left for 6 months it was really difficult. I can't remember how many times I cried before bed just feeling guilty and sad that I was leaving them, but on the other hand I was excited to be with my fiance. It was easy to keep in touch with them though, my mom and I used to Face-time every day. It's strange really.. when my 6 month visit with my Fiance was over, I came back home reluctantly almost (I really didn't want to leave him, although I was excited to see my family). I've been here for 3 months now, and I got used to it here again, It's comfortable, it's the home I've known for nearly my entire life. When I sent my Packet 3 in, I really wasn't expecting an interview until about 2 months later.. but I got one 17 days later, this July 23rd. The instant I booked it, I got this heavy weight feeling in my chest, and it hit me that I might be leaving home again soon, and for a much longer time.

I feel guilty because my mother and I are like best friends, and we do everything together with my 14 year old sister. My mom always comes to my room when she feels bored or wants to talk, and so does my sister. My room is like the family gathering area lol! I know that when I leave again the house is going to feel empty to them because I was usually the loud/crazy one, and I am always the one making them go out with me to do fun stuff. I really feel sad for my mother sometimes, when I imagine how she's going to feel when I'm gone when she walks by my empty bed room and remembers the times where she used to see me inside on my computer or something. I'm mostly concerned about my mother, because I know how close she is to me, and my sister because she really looks up to me. She used to get jealous of me talking so much to my fiance on the phone! It's cute really

My parents are both supportive of me now though (Well my dad is only because he's waiting for us to move back to Canada lol). I know they just want the best for me. They are my parents, they raised me, took care of me, protected me.. they have every right to feel sad/mad/scared over me moving, I understand and I sympathize with them. I know that underneath these feelings, they both are happy that I found someone to love and who loves me back.

Ugh this just reminds me of how much I'm going to miss them

Edited July 14, 2012 by Rema