Husband went home

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

This kind of "woman blaming" is part of what reinforces the gender inequality we see in our society AND Latin cultures.

HUMANS are naturally flirty creatures. HUMANS seek attention. The MEN in Latin cultures are usually the initiators of flirting, especially in the OP's experience (catcalling on the street). Regardless, flirting usually goes both ways. To label women as seductive temptresses is offensive and mysoginistic.

OP, it sounds like you have been a victim of abuse. This is how things start - overly "jealous" men who like to control the women they are with. He was trying to CONTROL your actions - first, through his words, and once that failed, maybe through his actions.

I applaud you for being brave enough to buy him a ticket home, and I'm aghast that people fault you for getting out of a bad situation. The minute my partner abuses me in ANY way in my home, that ceases to be his home. Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to "victim blame" in our society, ie, "her skirt was so short, she was asking for it."

My own heritage is not American, and I am familiar with multiple cultures. It is not okay, in any culture, or any country, for your partner to control you and verbally abuse you. My heart goes out to you, and please know that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and TRUST.

Of course, you can't just turn off your love for him like a lightswitch, and it must be difficult to be alone after being together for so long. I hope that when (if) he comes back to the States, he will stick with the counseling. It sounds like you need a little time apart, and when (if) you start talking about him coming back again, you will see a change in him and will set firm boundaries. We don't know all the details of your relationship and if things crossed a line or not, but hopefully by making a commitment to work things out with a third party you can enjoy the happiness you felt in the beginning of your marriage.

Just to make sure for future searches, those were YOUR words not Gowons.

Further more I did not bash anyone, I merely gave a solicited opinion. Sorry if it ruffled your feathers.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Gowon

[RobbyUSA 26]

dump him for sure!

he sounds like an idiot.

[AmyWrites 593]

Latins are jealous but not that much. Think there's a lot of issues here. Maybe marriage counseling? If you can get him to come back....

[Diana and Chris 25]

I think you are misunderstanding our situation. I didn't hang out with men in Paraguay because I didn't like the way they treated women. It is a very machismo culture, I was catcalled every time I left the house and I didn't appreciate that. After we got married, I stayed home, cleaned the house, took care of everything there while he worked. So basically, what a Paraguayan wife would do. But if I would so much as say hello to a man, he would go into a jealous rage. And then he would dwell on that instance for months afterwards saying that I wanted to be with that man. That, to me, is irrational behavior. I did everything I knew how to do to help him. He admitted that he had a problem with jealousy and that wanted to fix it but that sometimes his thoughts were just out of control. His family is very supportive of both of us and I hope that they will be able to give him some sort of help. I don't see how I'm being selfish at all but I appreciate your opinion.

I do accept the fact that some Latin men are more passionate. but this (the one you state he showed) behavior must be seen in a personal way, since it goes beyond the limit and normal standards that I, a Latin woman, has ever seen in any Latin men! I think he had HUGE security and personal issues that he must deal with. I hope both of you are able to work out your marriage. Best of luck.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Diana and Chris

[amyandjorge 76]

First of all, his issue with jealousy is on him, not you. He might change (my husband did), he might not. This drove me absolutely crazy when I first met my husband, but he finally got it, only THEN did I decide to marry him.

Throwing him into a new situation, in a new country, around people that you know and feel comfortable with but he might not, is NOT going to make him trust you more. If anything, the opposite.

Actually, just last night my husband was talking to me about this, why he married a gringa We have a Honduran neighbor lady, who my husband ran into at the grocery store and offered to drive her home and she would let him use her gas points. She said absolutely not, she didn't want him to get in trouble with his wife! She said only after we have met, so I don't get jealous and fight with him. I got a good laugh from that, but she has a good point about latinos and relationships. (don't worry she got a ride from someone else...not hispanic tho)

[litlmina 40]

Just to make sure for future searches, those were YOUR words not Gowons.

Further more I did not bash anyone, I merely gave a solicited opinion. Sorry if it ruffled your feathers.

I'm sure everyone can distinguish your words and my words (on style and grammar alone), especially in the context of a message board. That's what the "quote" feature does - it means everything in the green box was written by the username at the top.

Your caricature of women as attention-seeking flirts is insulting, and claiming that is their "nature" perpetuates a standard that has been used to discriminate against women for ages. I've barely touched on the fact that you are insinuating that victims of domestic violence are in that position because they didn't "do a good enough job" of bending to the whims of their abusers. His jealousy = his problem. Victim blaming is EXTREMELY detrimental, and if you want to call that "bashing," then, yes, you have "bashed" a group of people who have been abused and terrorized.

The OP was verbally abused. How badly, we don't know. But when she finally stood up to him, you accused her of not being "dependable."

Some people's opinions are racist. Some are homophobic. And some are mysoginistic, whether they are followed with the "IMHO" qualifier or not.

[NY_BX 397]

This kind of "woman blaming" is part of what reinforces the gender inequality we see in our society AND Latin cultures.

HUMANS are naturally flirty creatures. HUMANS seek attention. The MEN in Latin cultures are usually the initiators of flirting, especially in the OP's experience (catcalling on the street). Regardless, flirting usually goes both ways. To label women as seductive temptresses is offensive and mysoginistic.

OP, it sounds like you have been a victim of abuse. This is how things start - overly "jealous" men who like to control the women they are with. He was trying to CONTROL your actions - first, through his words, and once that failed, maybe through his actions.

I applaud you for being brave enough to buy him a ticket home, and I'm aghast that people fault you for getting out of a bad situation. The minute my partner abuses me in ANY way in my home, that ceases to be his home. Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to "victim blame" in our society, ie, "her skirt was so short, she was asking for it."

My own heritage is not American, and I am familiar with multiple cultures. It is not okay, in any culture, or any country, for your partner to control you and verbally abuse you. My heart goes out to you, and please know that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and TRUST.

Of course, you can't just turn off your love for him like a lightswitch, and it must be difficult to be alone after being together for so long. I hope that when (if) he comes back to the States, he will stick with the counseling. It sounds like you need a little time apart, and when (if) you start talking about him coming back again, you will see a change in him and will set firm boundaries. We don't know all the details of your relationship and if things crossed a line or not, but hopefully by making a commitment to work things out with a third party you can enjoy the happiness you felt in the beginning of your marriage.

Amen! I Could've not said it better! Women are naturally flirty and seek attention? #######!? All of us do. It takes two. Period. Stereotypes makes me sick....

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I'm sure everyone can distinguish your words and my words (on style and grammar alone), especially in the context of a message board. That's what the "quote" feature does - it means everything in the green box was written by the username at the top.

Your caricature of women as attention-seeking flirts is insulting, and claiming that is their "nature" perpetuates a standard that has been used to discriminate against women for ages. I've barely touched on the fact that you are insinuating that victims of domestic violence are in that position because they didn't "do a good enough job" of bending to the whims of their abusers. His jealousy = his problem. Victim blaming is EXTREMELY detrimental, and if you want to call that "bashing," then, yes, you have "bashed" a group of people who have been abused and terrorized.

The OP was verbally abused. How badly, we don't know. But when she finally stood up to him, you accused her of not being "dependable."

Some people's opinions are racist. Some are homophobic. And some are mysoginistic, whether they are followed with the "IMHO" qualifier or not.

Excellent, just wanted to make sure.

Carry on then

[Shiobhan 235]

A person who is verbally abusive has the potential to become physical,both cultures cannot co-exist 24/7

after your deportation of him & his crying there will B deep resentments I dont blame either of U ...

sorry it did'nt work

[Cathi 5,771]

You were being very selfish and I say that with no malice intended and you asked for opinions.

Women are naturally flirty and seek attention. There's nothing wrong that per see when you are single but it needs to be adjusted once you get married, IMHO, and especially when the opposing party feels that it's inappropriate. Based on what you wrote, I think you did not do a good enough job, again IMHO. It's also a cultural thing and I'm kind of confused why you did not pick up on that while you lived in his home country and adjusted for that when you arrived back home.

I hope your Husband didn't give up all his opportunities/resoruces to follow you to your country and you basically sent him back - if he has left.

Me personally will seek divorce from you if I were him. You've showed your hand that you cannot be depended on.

All that being said, you should be happy and deserve to be happy and should never be in an unfruitful relationship. I do not fault you for seeking happiness but your execution was unsavory.

Good luck.

So you are saying it was her fault because her husband is insanely jealous, because in your own mind she may have been flirty? Men and women both flirt, and I believe she stated he would go into a rage if she merely said hello to anyone. Saying she deserved this abuse is like saying a woman deserves to be raped merely because she was wearing a short skirt. What century do you live in?

[Sandra G. 5,054]

Amanda I applaud you for not putting up with his #######!

Edited July 9, 2012 by sandranj

[amyandjorge 76]

Amanda I applaud you for not putting up with his #######!

So true, so many people post on here, "my spouse does all this stuff that makes me sad/angry/lonely/hurt etc...what should I do?" You did it, but still I'm sorry to hear it came down to this, it must've been a truly difficult decision.

[chikings 27]

This kind of "woman blaming" is part of what reinforces the gender inequality we see in our society AND Latin cultures.

HUMANS are naturally flirty creatures. HUMANS seek attention. The MEN in Latin cultures are usually the initiators of flirting, especially in the OP's experience (catcalling on the street). Regardless, flirting usually goes both ways. To label women as seductive temptresses is offensive and mysoginistic.

OP, it sounds like you have been a victim of abuse. This is how things start - overly "jealous" men who like to control the women they are with. He was trying to CONTROL your actions - first, through his words, and once that failed, maybe through his actions.

I applaud you for being brave enough to buy him a ticket home, and I'm aghast that people fault you for getting out of a bad situation. The minute my partner abuses me in ANY way in my home, that ceases to be his home. Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to "victim blame" in our society, ie, "her skirt was so short, she was asking for it."

My own heritage is not American, and I am familiar with multiple cultures. It is not okay, in any culture, or any country, for your partner to control you and verbally abuse you. My heart goes out to you, and please know that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and TRUST.

Of course, you can't just turn off your love for him like a lightswitch, and it must be difficult to be alone after being together for so long. I hope that when (if) he comes back to the States, he will stick with the counseling. It sounds like you need a little time apart, and when (if) you start talking about him coming back again, you will see a change in him and will set firm boundaries. We don't know all the details of your relationship and if things crossed a line or not, but hopefully by making a commitment to work things out with a third party you can enjoy the happiness you felt in the beginning of your marriage.

Call me crazy but I say way to go!! So many times I here of women saying over and over, he brought me here and treats me bad, I can't leave because he has my papers, doesn't let me work so no money to get home, no home to go home to,and on and on. Listen I'm not going to judge you or the other people for posting the way they did. Bottom line you explain that you did not like his behavior, you explained your self, you even asked and went for proffessional help. You moved from that area to a new one and once the behavior started you once again express yourself. So you told him he has to leave. Kudos to you.. You didn't wait till it turned to mental or physical abuse, you knew exactly what you will and will not tolerate for your health, happiness and peace of mind. Does this means that this is the end of the story for you two?? Of course not. give it time, continue to talk long distance, and do what is healthy for you and him. Stay prayful, keep negative people out your business, maybe seek,elders from his home that can advice and help you both. I wish you the best. I wish you both the best. It's not over till you both decide it.. So hang in there..

Peace,

Chi

[SweetieOne 41]

Personally, if i see ”GOWON” i fling by those post. Cleary not worthy of reading material!!! Sr. Member or not,.no timeline NOTHING.. all post are rude, arrogant And very disrespectful towards woman. This poster needs to chill out And perhaps learn a lesson in manner And people who are abuse victims..

[charlie1 4]

good story to be on Jerry springer