Husband went home

[Amanda&Elvio 12]

I'm so heartbroken, I never thought I would be writing one of these topics. I met my husband in Paraguay almost 2 years ago. I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in his town. We got married 8 months ago and I couldn't have been happier. Our petition was fast-tracked through USCIS since I was living abroad and we arrived in the US together in May.

I always knew that he was a jealous person but I guess that was a bit of an understatement. If I so much as looked at another guy he thought I liked him. I would tell him that's not true and that looking at people, even talking and laughing with people in my culture doesn't mean anything. I am a friendly person. I'm not flirty, just friendly. But in his culture, men and women hardly interact so that concept was very difficult for him to accept. Cheating is also extremely common in his culture so he was naturally insecure. He was constantly accusing me of liking other men for absolutely ridiculous reasons and then wouldn't believe when I told him that he was wrong for thinking that. He was sometimes verbally abusive as well but he would always apologize later and say he was trying to change.

I convinced myself that he would change when we got to the US and saw how our culture was. Nothing changed here. He kept going back to how I acted in Paraguay and all the men I supposedly liked there. We went to see a marriage counselor but that didn't help. Finally I just couldn't take his accusations and his lack of trust anymore. I told him he had to leave. He didn't believe that I would actually send him back to Paraguay so I bought him a ticket for the next day (today). At that point he broke down completely and kept saying "What have I done?!" and "This is all my fault." He accepted responsibility but it was too late. I had given him so many opportunities to change. He said he would go back to Paraguay and pay for his mistakes and maybe take some English classes (he speaks Spanish) and that he wanted to come back and start over but I don't know if that was all a show to get me to take him back or if he was being genuine. I want to believe him so badly and I truly believe that he wanted to change but that his head was not in the right place. I don't want to rush into divorce if there is a possibility of working it out. I also know that he shouldn't stay out of the US for a long time or he risks not being able to re-enter.

I guess I just wanted to get all my thoughts out and see if anyone had any thoughts or advice to offer. I'm just hurting right now, I miss my husband and I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.

[chaine1 116]

Hi Amanda,

I'm so sorry to hear this! When I was going through this process, you were about a month ahead of me and I keep watching your timeline for what I should do next!

A few thoughts - pretty harsh to buy him a plane ticket to go home. In doing so, you have basically said - 'I have all the power here, and you have none.' I'm sure that's not what you meant to do, but from his perspective, that's probably how he's feeling.

And I'm sure you know this - but never a good idea to go deeper into a relationship thinking things will change.

These seem like major cultural differences, and I wish I had good advice for how to fix them. Only you and he can decide if things are worth/possible repairing. Take things one day at a time and don't do anything too quickly. A little bit of space and perspective is often enough to allow you both to see clearly.

Stay strong and good luck.

[rade2rising 205]

well did you discuss with him about buying a ticket and sending him home? I guess you decided this is the best course of action.

Maybe its for the best. Time apart so not only him but you as well can think over your actions.

Latin American culture is different from American culture. Just by coming here alone and seeing the lifestyle doesnt mean he will understand or accept this.

Speaking from culture perspective when woman gets married she can still be friendly but she has to adjust her actions, she is no longer single.

In USA that is not necessarily the case. I certainly understand where your husband is coming from. He cannot even speak english properly so maybe he misunderstand some of your

friendly conversations/interactions.

At same time being insecure can be a relationship killer.

sounds like both you and him need some time to think.

Just make sure when you put him on that plane and he never comes back that you are not the one heart broken for years to come.

And I know you are hurting right now dear but when i read your title husband went home and I read your story its seems the title should be husband SENT home.

anyways if you guys get back together after sometime you know it will be worth it. good luck.

Edited July 9, 2012 by rade2rising

[Ihavequestions 419]

I'm so heartbroken, I never thought I would be writing one of these topics. I met my husband in Paraguay almost 2 years ago. I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in his town. We got married 8 months ago and I couldn't have been happier. Our petition was fast-tracked through USCIS since I was living abroad and we arrived in the US together in May.

I always knew that he was a jealous person but I guess that was a bit of an understatement. If I so much as looked at another guy he thought I liked him. I would tell him that's not true and that looking at people, even talking and laughing with people in my culture doesn't mean anything. I am a friendly person. I'm not flirty, just friendly. But in his culture, men and women hardly interact so that concept was very difficult for him to accept. Cheating is also extremely common in his culture so he was naturally insecure. He was constantly accusing me of liking other men for absolutely ridiculous reasons and then wouldn't believe when I told him that he was wrong for thinking that. He was sometimes verbally abusive as well but he would always apologize later and say he was trying to change.

I convinced myself that he would change when we got to the US and saw how our culture was. Nothing changed here. He kept going back to how I acted in Paraguay and all the men I supposedly liked there. We went to see a marriage counselor but that didn't help. Finally I just couldn't take his accusations and his lack of trust anymore. I told him he had to leave. He didn't believe that I would actually send him back to Paraguay so I bought him a ticket for the next day (today). At that point he broke down completely and kept saying "What have I done?!" and "This is all my fault." He accepted responsibility but it was too late. I had given him so many opportunities to change. He said he would go back to Paraguay and pay for his mistakes and maybe take some English classes (he speaks Spanish) and that he wanted to come back and start over but I don't know if that was all a show to get me to take him back or if he was being genuine. I want to believe him so badly and I truly believe that he wanted to change but that his head was not in the right place. I don't want to rush into divorce if there is a possibility of working it out. I also know that he shouldn't stay out of the US for a long time or he risks not being able to re-enter.

I guess I just wanted to get all my thoughts out and see if anyone had any thoughts or advice to offer. I'm just hurting right now, I miss my husband and I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.

Have you considered that he may be experiencing culture shock?

It's unfortunate that people don't often get the opportunity to visit the US in order to decide if it is where they want to live. Not knowing the language, customs, culture, etc., only makes it worse.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

You were being very selfish and I say that with no malice intended and you asked for opinions.

Women are naturally flirty and seek attention. There's nothing wrong that per see when you are single but it needs to be adjusted once you get married, IMHO, and especially when the opposing party feels that it's inappropriate. Based on what you wrote, I think you did not do a good enough job, again IMHO. It's also a cultural thing and I'm kind of confused why you did not pick up on that while you lived in his home country and adjusted for that when you arrived back home.

I hope your Husband didn't give up all his opportunities/resoruces to follow you to your country and you basically sent him back - if he has left.

Me personally will seek divorce from you if I were him. You've showed your hand that you cannot be depended on.

All that being said, you should be happy and deserve to be happy and should never be in an unfruitful relationship. I do not fault you for seeking happiness but your execution was unsavory.

Good luck.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Have you considered that he may be experiencing culture shock?

It's unfortunate that people don't often get the opportunity to visit the US in order to decide if it is where they want to live. Not knowing the language, customs, culture, etc., only makes it worse.

I've said this before on here many times, the USCIS is doing countries not on VWP program a disservice with the K1/IR1/CR1 visas.

[Amanda&Elvio 12]

We did discuss the situation ahead of time. I told him that he couldn't stay here and continue treating me this way. He had a friend in New York and I asked if he would rather go there and he preferred to go home to Paraguay so I did not "send him home". I've read plenty of other posts like that so I understand where that idea comes from but that's not what happened.

I could attribute his behavior to culture shock if it had started here in the US but he had been treating me this way since before we even got married. I told myself he would change once we got married. Then I told myself he would change once we got here. That was probably dumb of me.

You were being very selfish and I say that with no malice intended and you asked for opinions.

Women are naturally flirty and seek attention. There's nothing wrong that per see when you are single but it needs to be adjusted once you get married, IMHO, and especially when the opposing party feels that it's inappropriate. Based on what you wrote, I think you did not do a good enough job, again IMHO. It's also a cultural thing and I'm kind of confused why you did not pick up on that while you lived in his home country and adjusted for that when you arrived back home.

I hope your Husband didn't give up all his opportunities/resoruces to follow you to your country and you basically sent him back - if he has left.

Me personally will seek divorce from you if I were him. You've showed your hand that you cannot be depended on.

All that being said, you should be happy and deserve to be happy and should never be in an unfruitful relationship. I do not fault you for seeking happiness but your execution was unsavory.

Good luck.

I think you are misunderstanding our situation. I didn't hang out with men in Paraguay because I didn't like the way they treated women. It is a very machismo culture, I was catcalled every time I left the house and I didn't appreciate that. After we got married, I stayed home, cleaned the house, took care of everything there while he worked. So basically, what a Paraguayan wife would do. But if I would so much as say hello to a man, he would go into a jealous rage. And then he would dwell on that instance for months afterwards saying that I wanted to be with that man. That, to me, is irrational behavior. I did everything I knew how to do to help him. He admitted that he had a problem with jealousy and that wanted to fix it but that sometimes his thoughts were just out of control. His family is very supportive of both of us and I hope that they will be able to give him some sort of help. I don't see how I'm being selfish at all but I appreciate your opinion.

[rade2rising 205]

Latin guys can be very jealous. that is just their nature. The Latin women they understand this very well. I think you married the wrong person. If he was getting into jealous rage in paraguay well

surely it can only get worst here in USA bcoz its more intense here. Rather than going to NY he decided to go back home. That says alot. He came here bcoz of you not his love of USA otherwise he would try and stay here no matter what. Its sad he has to leave but it may be best for everyone.

[chaine1 116]

I could attribute his behavior to culture shock if it had started here in the US but he had been treating me this way since before we even got married.

Yikes. How did you respond to this before you where married?

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Latin guys can be very jealous. that is just their nature. The Latin women they understand this very well. I think you married the wrong person. If he was getting into jealous rage in paraguay well

surely it can only get worst here in USA bcoz its more intense here. Rather than going to NY he decided to go back home. That says alot. He came here bcoz of you not his love of USA otherwise he would try and stay here no matter what. Its sad he has to leave but it may be best for everyone.

That's so wonderfully stated. I salute him. The only thing he could have done better was not to accept the ticket from the Wife and instead gather the money for his own flight back.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Gowon

[HelenBradley 28]

He didn't believe that I would actually send him back to Paraguay so I bought him a ticket for the next day (today).

so I did not "send him home". I've read plenty of other posts like that so I understand where that idea comes from but that's not what happened.

I am the GC holder in my marriage and I really dislike the idea of 'sending' the person 'home'. My home is here in the US now, since I moved my life here and all. You can see above, why someone called you out on that. You used that language first, even if that's not what you meant...you said it.

Perhaps space and time is what is needed and he'll gain perspective. I wish you all the best.

[bestofboston 36]

Men that act so insecure are often men that are not faithful themselves and belive that their spouse will do the same (cheat) given the opportunity.

[RachAl 1]

Just based on what you have said, in my opinion, you two are not a good match. As much as you love him and WANTED it to work, that deep seeded insecurity in him won't just "change" or "go away". You could spend years trying to fix the situation and be unhappy doing so only to find out that his jealousy is still there, or you can make the painful and difficult decision to go your seperate ways now and spare yourself.

Just think about how you want the rest of your life to go. Can you deal with that FOREVER? It seems it's already been too much to deal with. Cold, hard opinion, if it was me, I'd move on:( I'm so sorry this has happened.

[Sophinette 1]

Just based on what you have said, in my opinion, you two are not a good match. As much as you love him and WANTED it to work, that deep seeded insecurity in him won't just "change" or "go away". You could spend years trying to fix the situation and be unhappy doing so only to find out that his jealousy is still there, or you can make the painful and difficult decision to go your seperate ways now and spare yourself.

Just think about how you want the rest of your life to go. Can you deal with that FOREVER? It seems it's already been too much to deal with. Cold, hard opinion, if it was me, I'd move on:( I'm so sorry this has happened.

Hi,

Iam really sorry to hear yr story but As a women i totally agree with bestofboston..also this man seems very insecure even if yr actions were not really diplomatic.

You should listen yr heart and ask yrself the right questions... A man so abusive in the beginning can only become worst at the end....instead of asking advices of people who dont know y, look for answers in you ab what y really want from yr other half and life...

The best of luck,

X

[litlmina 40]

Women are naturally flirty and seek attention. There's nothing wrong that per see when you are single but it needs to be adjusted once you get married, IMHO, and especially when the opposing party feels that it's inappropriate. Based on what you wrote, I think you did not do a good enough job, again IMHO. It's also a cultural thing and I'm kind of confused why you did not pick up on that while you lived in his home country and adjusted for that when you arrived back home.

This kind of "woman blaming" is part of what reinforces the gender inequality we see in our society AND Latin cultures.

HUMANS are naturally flirty creatures. HUMANS seek attention. The MEN in Latin cultures are usually the initiators of flirting, especially in the OP's experience (catcalling on the street). Regardless, flirting usually goes both ways. To label women as seductive temptresses is offensive and mysoginistic.

OP, it sounds like you have been a victim of abuse. This is how things start - overly "jealous" men who like to control the women they are with. He was trying to CONTROL your actions - first, through his words, and once that failed, maybe through his actions.

I applaud you for being brave enough to buy him a ticket home, and I'm aghast that people fault you for getting out of a bad situation. The minute my partner abuses me in ANY way in my home, that ceases to be his home. Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to "victim blame" in our society, ie, "her skirt was so short, she was asking for it."

My own heritage is not American, and I am familiar with multiple cultures. It is not okay, in any culture, or any country, for your partner to control you and verbally abuse you. My heart goes out to you, and please know that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and TRUST.

Of course, you can't just turn off your love for him like a lightswitch, and it must be difficult to be alone after being together for so long. I hope that when (if) he comes back to the States, he will stick with the counseling. It sounds like you need a little time apart, and when (if) you start talking about him coming back again, you will see a change in him and will set firm boundaries. We don't know all the details of your relationship and if things crossed a line or not, but hopefully by making a commitment to work things out with a third party you can enjoy the happiness you felt in the beginning of your marriage.