Need help, I am very worried...

[hoping4happiness 1]

hmmmm... Well, I will leave out all the details of how we met and visits, etc. because its quite personal and lengthy, lol. His family knows ABOUT me, yes, I just haven't met the family yet. I should have mentioned that. Hard to bond with them over the phone, when we speak different languages, lol. My man speaks wonderful English, but none of them do. I would rather just wait until I meet them, and I can look them all in the eyes, while he transleates. I'm a lot more comfortable with that. And I think they would like it better too.

But I think I probably should say that I am a(new) Muslim. So I would rather do things the... halal (allowed or lawful) way? lol, sorry I am still new to it, and my Arabic is nonexistent at best I hope to change that, but it will take time. I've always been horrible with other languages, so for now I do prayers, etc. in English . I'm an American convert, I did my shahada in November 2011. So naturally, I want a husband who is Muslim too, and I have a wonderful connection and friendship with this man. Most people's first thought is that HE convinced me to convert. But nooooooooooo, lol. I had a strong interest in it even before I met him.

For the sake of any non-mulsims reading this-- please understand we do things a bit differently. Many Muslims don't really support the whole "dating and courtship" idea. Usually you're either single, or engaged, lol. And there are still many Muslims who marry before being strongly "in love", its mostly just about "Is he/she a good Muslim, and decent, responsible person from a nice family?" Although he and I do consider ourselves "in love". But also wanting to do things right, means I can't be living with him before we get married, and even before converting, I agreed with that-- its how I was raised. Old fashioned, I know, lol.

To clear some things up-- He actually does NOT live around his ex wife's family (or her). He is staying in the apartment upstairs from his own parents. He is staying there now, because he is home from work for a break (works outside Egypt). Every time he comes home, he gets trouble from his ex and her family. They are about 2 hours away from him, but they do custody exchanges with their kid, so that is why they sometimes have contact. But also because for a long time, they have been fighting about the assets and property they acquired while married. He did pay the "dowry" for lack of the correct word, lol. Oh no wait, I see Mahr here, ok. But the fighting is about things they acquired during marriage. She wants everything because she doesn't work, but he thinks it should be divided. As in they each just take what they had before marriage, and anything they each personally bought with their own money. Plus he loaned her brother a lot of money years ago, and he wants that back too. They've all been fighting about it for a long time...

But yeah, still this is not normal for him. I HOPE he's not changing his mind about me, I really hate to even think that... I hope everything is fine. I hope HER family didn't bully and pressure him into forgetting me, and going back to her or something (that's been my biggest worry, to be perfectly honest, because they are extremely pushy people, and sometimes that does happen there...).

But this is just so unlike him! I'll contact the person here who offered to call him, because whether everything is ok, or something bad happened, or something suspicious is going on-- I feel I have the right to know, so I can plan my life accordingly, lol.

[And_Sam 44]

Well I hope everything turns out all right with your SO. If you do find that he is all right and just was out of touch for the past couple of days, give him an earfull. Only because if the situation was switched and it was you that didn't get in touch with him, how would he feel?

When my husband was still in Egypt before he got his visa, I had so many phone numbers that I could call and get word to him one way or another. I had his parent's home number, his brother and his sister's phone numbers. Even with me not being able to speak Arabic they would know I was trying to get in touch with him.

Good luck with getting in touch with him. I hope he is all right and you give him a good tongue lashing for making you worry!

[Nasturtium 500]

He did pay the "dowry" for lack of the correct word, lol. Oh no wait, I see Mahr here, ok.

Dowry is the money/objects a woman or her family are required to give to the man in order to marry. DOWER is the money a man gives to a woman or her family for his future wife's support in the event of his demise. Dower is the closest to mahr in English.

As a special snowflake, I am somehow able to understand this all and did OK without the translation for non-Muslims. At any rate, hopefully you can get a hold of him. People can sometimes drop off the radar during visits for a bit, but several days would be excessive if not planned in advance and the party was a considerate human being.

[Mithra 1,185]

No one asked you describe how you met this guy. People want to know if you met in person to try to gauge the seriousness of the relationship. I'm not sure why you feel this bit of info to be super private and personal. Also, most of us have Muslim husbands so we get the whole aversion to dating thing. Also, many members are American converts so it's not anything strange around here. What is strange is a man you're supposedly engaged to just up and stops answering his phone and stops coming online. Even if he were having issues with his ex wife's relatives he could still find a moment to let you know he was ok. Or he could have a family member let you know somehow. I'm sure someone can speak a little english. Do you not have his family's phone number? Before I even met my husband in person I had his family's home phone number as well as all of his sisters' cell numbers.

Edited July 2, 2012 by Mithra

[hoping4happiness 1]

Oh #######! I should have mentioned this in the first post, I can't believe I didn't, because its pretty significant!--

Keep in mind, although I'm worried about cultural etiquette, I did not tell these people who I was or anything (because I couldn't),so I don't think I offended anyone as "a girlfriend calling" lol.

But a couple days ago, I actually did get through to some people on his mobile.. Of course it wasn't him. They didn't speak English, so it wasn't helpful. Just some pointless exchanges of English and Arabic that neither of us understood. Then the person on the phone turned away from the phone and talked to some other people in the room, in Arabic. I heard both male and female voices. And the person who answered tried to talk to me in Arabic... But of course, that doesn't do any good.

After that, I decided he wasn't going to be answering it, so it would be best to have a man try to call, who speaks Arabic. Just in case of any cultural issues.

But yeah, that's another reason I got scared... Couldn't get through to him, and when I finally did, it wasn't him! Even though it had always been him before.

But again, I did contact the person here who offered to have a man call, so I will update if I hear anything.

[Nasturtium 500]

No one asked you describe how you met this guy. People want to know if you met in person to try to gauge the seriousness of the relationship. I'm not sure why you feel this bit of info to be super private and personal. Also, most of us have Muslim husbands so we get the whole aversion to dating thing. Also, many members are American converts so it's not anything strange around here. What is strange is a man you're supposedly engaged to just up and stops answering his phone and stops coming online. Even if he were having issues with his ex wife's relatives he could still find a moment to let you know he was ok. Or he could have a family member let you know somehow. I'm sure someone can speak a little english.

You mean I am not a special snowflake with super intuitive powers and comprehension?

Yes to the above. The figuring out if the relationship is serious is what will influence people's answers. People who have never met are more likely to part ways without consulting the other person. People who have met but aren't married are more likely to do that than people who have met and are married...

(ETA although hopefully that is not the scenario)

Edited July 2, 2012 by julianna

[Mithra 1,185]

Yeah you mentioned you got someone on his mobile.

My husband is Muslim but it was not odd for me to call him before we got married. His family was fine with me calling their home. It wasn't offensive. Did this guy tell you it would offend his family if you called?

Oh #######! I should have mentioned this in the first post, I can't believe I didn't, because its pretty significant!--

Keep in mind, although I'm worried about cultural etiquette, I did not tell these people who I was or anything (because I couldn't),so I don't think I offended anyone as "a girlfriend calling" lol.

But a couple days ago, I actually did get through to some people on his mobile.. Of course it wasn't him. They didn't speak English, so it wasn't helpful. Just some pointless exchanges of English and Arabic that neither of us understood. Then the person on the phone turned away from the phone and talked to some other people in the room, in Arabic. I heard both male and female voices. And the person who answered tried to talk to me in Arabic... But of course, that doesn't do any good.

After that, I decided he wasn't going to be answering it, so it would be best to have a man try to call, who speaks Arabic. Just in case of any cultural issues.

But yeah, that's another reason I got scared... Couldn't get through to him, and when I finally did, it wasn't him! Even though it had always been him before.

But again, I did contact the person here who offered to have a man call, so I will update if I hear anything.

[Mithra 1,185]

So did you go to Egypt and meet him in person or not?

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Everytime someone tries to say what a culture "norm" is for Egypt and I look back on our situation.... I guess we broke all the rules! We held hands in public, we kissed on our wedding day in front of family, i wore skirts, shorts to the knees, coulottes, tshirts, wore sleeveless shirt to swim in over my bathing suit with short shorts, looked at male relatives and friends in their eyes without being thought of in a wrong way, slept in the same house as my husband before we were married (just slept in the room with his sister & mom) while he slept on the living room mattress, introduced to his family fairly quickly via webcam & phone, was known as a christian from the get go, was myself and didnt act like i was someone else trying to step on eggshells around him & his family. Oh well.... screw whatever the norm is. I love my life...

Edited July 3, 2012 by ~PalmTreeGurl~

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

About 3 weeks after us writing each other my now husband went to his family's house and a sister saw something different in him she said. he had a different smile on him. He announced soon after he had met someone and we are friends and he is interested in me. This was a huge step for him being very private and MENA men dont normally introduce just girlfriends to the family.

From then on he never went a day without having some contact with me.

If he could not reach me on maybe one or two occasions (in almost four years)he had a nephew contact me. A man that is serious about you would never let days go by with out some kind of contact. And why would someone else answer his cell phone?

I hope it is not that he is ill but it just does not seem correct. As someone mentioned there are internet cafes, if he is incapable and the family does know about you...why wouldn't a family member get in contact???? Older generations might not know English in his family but I guarantee the younger do and very well. It is a need in all countries in school to be taught.

I wish you good news and hope it does work out. The waiting must be very hard

[Ihavequestions 419]

I've got the contact information from the OP, and I have a trusty dood who will make the call. Note that I will follow up with the OP in a PM and she can choose whether or not to disclose the outcome publicly because that's the right thing to do.

To clear some things up-- He actually does NOT live around his ex wife's family (or her). He is staying in the apartment upstairs from his own parents. He is staying there now, because he is home from work for a break (works outside Egypt). Every time he comes home, he gets trouble from his ex and her family. They are about 2 hours away from him, but they do custody exchanges with their kid, so that is why they sometimes have contact. But also because for a long time, they have been fighting about the assets and property they acquired while married. He did pay the "dowry" for lack of the correct word, lol. Oh no wait, I see Mahr here, ok. But the fighting is about things they acquired during marriage. She wants everything because she doesn't work, but he thinks it should be divided. As in they each just take what they had before marriage, and anything they each personally bought with their own money.

Am I the only one scratching my head about this?

OP, when they got married they signed a written agreement, and that agreement spelled out what she gets at the time of marriage as well as who gets what in the case of his death or should there be a divorce. There's no way around it and there's no fighting over the silverware later. The agreement is legal and binding. There should be nothing to fight about, unless she doesn't get her due upon divorce.

I hope HER family didn't bully and pressure him into forgetting me, and going back to her or something (that's been my biggest worry, to be perfectly honest, because they are extremely pushy people, and sometimes that does happen there...).

Put that thought out of your head. Once a divorce is final, the only way they can re-marry is if she marries another man, consummates the marriage, then divorces. That's Islam. Until that happens, they are off-limits to each other. It's a complete non-issue.

Anyway, it's going to be about 12 hours or so, but you can look forward to a PM with the details. Hopefully everything is okay.

[rade2rising 205]

forgive my ignorance but this story lacks clarity and its confusing me alot

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

forgive my ignorance but this story lacks clarity and its confusing me alot

come back to games...u r missed

[NY_BX 397]

hmmmm... Well, I will leave out all the details of how we met and visits, etc. because its quite personal and lengthy, lol. His family knows ABOUT me, yes, I just haven't met the family yet. I should have mentioned that. Hard to bond with them over the phone, when we speak different languages, lol. My man speaks wonderful English, but none of them do. I would rather just wait until I meet them, and I can look them all in the eyes, while he transleates. I'm a lot more comfortable with that. And I think they would like it better too.

But I think I probably should say that I am a(new) Muslim. So I would rather do things the... halal (allowed or lawful) way? lol, sorry I am still new to it, and my Arabic is nonexistent at best I hope to change that, but it will take time. I've always been horrible with other languages, so for now I do prayers, etc. in English . I'm an American convert, I did my shahada in November 2011. So naturally, I want a husband who is Muslim too, and I have a wonderful connection and friendship with this man. Most people's first thought is that HE convinced me to convert. But nooooooooooo, lol. I had a strong interest in it even before I met him.

For the sake of any non-mulsims reading this-- please understand we do things a bit differently. Many Muslims don't really support the whole "dating and courtship" idea. Usually you're either single, or engaged, lol. And there are still many Muslims who marry before being strongly "in love", its mostly just about "Is he/she a good Muslim, and decent, responsible person from a nice family?" Although he and I do consider ourselves "in love". But also wanting to do things right, means I can't be living with him before we get married, and even before converting, I agreed with that-- its how I was raised. Old fashioned, I know, lol.

To clear some things up-- He actually does NOT live around his ex wife's family (or her). He is staying in the apartment upstairs from his own parents. He is staying there now, because he is home from work for a break (works outside Egypt). Every time he comes home, he gets trouble from his ex and her family. They are about 2 hours away from him, but they do custody exchanges with their kid, so that is why they sometimes have contact. But also because for a long time, they have been fighting about the assets and property they acquired while married. He did pay the "dowry" for lack of the correct word, lol. Oh no wait, I see Mahr here, ok. But the fighting is about things they acquired during marriage. She wants everything because she doesn't work, but he thinks it should be divided. As in they each just take what they had before marriage, and anything they each personally bought with their own money. Plus he loaned her brother a lot of money years ago, and he wants that back too. They've all been fighting about it for a long time...

But yeah, still this is not normal for him. I HOPE he's not changing his mind about me, I really hate to even think that... I hope everything is fine. I hope HER family didn't bully and pressure him into forgetting me, and going back to her or something (that's been my biggest worry, to be perfectly honest, because they are extremely pushy people, and sometimes that does happen there...).

But this is just so unlike him! I'll contact the person here who offered to call him, because whether everything is ok, or something bad happened, or something suspicious is going on-- I feel I have the right to know, so I can plan my life accordingly, lol.

Thanks for the lecture, however, you may observe that most of us have already gone through this process. Therefore, we know about the 'norm' and accepted behavior. I called my boyfriend all the time, He called me as well. Everyone- including his family- knew I was his girlfriend. I visited the home, held hands and did everything you can imagine... except live together. Once here, we lived together before getting married, obviously.

All this said, some make you believe the old fashioned behavior is how they operate. Then reality hits: they're everything but...

I really do hope everything is great!

Yeah you mentioned you got someone on his mobile.

My husband is Muslim but it was not odd for me to call him before we got married. His family was fine with me calling their home. It wasn't offensive. Did this guy tell you it would offend his family if you called?

In my case, his family called me! Is not offensive to talk on the phone, last time I checked.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Trust, this post and your others are getting sideeye from plenty of real life Muslims.

Because, despite all their Muslimy Muslimness, it still sounds straight up weird, for all kinds of reasons.

There are all kinds of cultural and family norms throughout MENA, for sure. Behaviors that were cool in the homes of lots of people I know who are also married to MENA guys wouldn't be cool in my husband's house, etc. But everything in this thread is really off the chain.

hmmmm... Well, I will leave out all the details of how we met and visits, etc. because its quite personal and lengthy, lol. His family knows ABOUT me, yes, I just haven't met the family yet. I should have mentioned that. Hard to bond with them over the phone, when we speak different languages, lol. My man speaks wonderful English, but none of them do. I would rather just wait until I meet them, and I can look them all in the eyes, while he transleates. I'm a lot more comfortable with that. And I think they would like it better too.

But I think I probably should say that I am a(new) Muslim. So I would rather do things the... halal (allowed or lawful) way? lol, sorry I am still new to it, and my Arabic is nonexistent at best I hope to change that, but it will take time. I've always been horrible with other languages, so for now I do prayers, etc. in English . I'm an American convert, I did my shahada in November 2011. So naturally, I want a husband who is Muslim too, and I have a wonderful connection and friendship with this man. Most people's first thought is that HE convinced me to convert. But nooooooooooo, lol. I had a strong interest in it even before I met him.

For the sake of any non-mulsims reading this-- please understand we do things a bit differently. Many Muslims don't really support the whole "dating and courtship" idea. Usually you're either single, or engaged, lol. And there are still many Muslims who marry before being strongly "in love", its mostly just about "Is he/she a good Muslim, and decent, responsible person from a nice family?" Although he and I do consider ourselves "in love". But also wanting to do things right, means I can't be living with him before we get married, and even before converting, I agreed with that-- its how I was raised. Old fashioned, I know, lol.

To clear some things up-- He actually does NOT live around his ex wife's family (or her). He is staying in the apartment upstairs from his own parents. He is staying there now, because he is home from work for a break (works outside Egypt). Every time he comes home, he gets trouble from his ex and her family. They are about 2 hours away from him, but they do custody exchanges with their kid, so that is why they sometimes have contact. But also because for a long time, they have been fighting about the assets and property they acquired while married. He did pay the "dowry" for lack of the correct word, lol. Oh no wait, I see Mahr here, ok. But the fighting is about things they acquired during marriage. She wants everything because she doesn't work, but he thinks it should be divided. As in they each just take what they had before marriage, and anything they each personally bought with their own money. Plus he loaned her brother a lot of money years ago, and he wants that back too. They've all been fighting about it for a long time...

But yeah, still this is not normal for him. I HOPE he's not changing his mind about me, I really hate to even think that... I hope everything is fine. I hope HER family didn't bully and pressure him into forgetting me, and going back to her or something (that's been my biggest worry, to be perfectly honest, because they are extremely pushy people, and sometimes that does happen there...).

But this is just so unlike him! I'll contact the person here who offered to call him, because whether everything is ok, or something bad happened, or something suspicious is going on-- I feel I have the right to know, so I can plan my life accordingly, lol.