coping mechanisms for arrival and settling in

[snapdragon 9]

I knew it would be hard to settle in and adjust, but I think I underestimated it. I've been here about 10 days but struggling with how I'm supposed to feel and what I should be doing.

I've got a bank account, a cell phone, and already passed the test to get a driver's permit. Unfortunately the dmv wouldn't issue one to me because my ssc (obtained years ago on different visa) was in my maiden name. My husband had to drive me to the other end of the county to the ssa who just handed me a letter to say I've applied for a new card, which the dmv wouldn't accept.

We live in a rural area and I feel trapped and dependent having to ask for rides everywhere. I just want to get up and going to start my life here proper - I want to apply for jobs , networking events and voluntary opportunities, but feel hampered by having to rely on people (spouse and his parents). When I explained to my husband (who is also looking for work) I'd applied for a few things he seemed really put out, said he'd need notice to drive me, and it'd depend on the location, and questioned my ability to work anyway (I know I can and he does too, I don't know where that came from),

I knew it'd be hard, but I feel a bit down and thought I'd ask how others coped at the start, and how long it took you to get up and going in your new home. Any advice would be much appreciated

Edited June 25, 2012 by snapdragon

[Almost done 0]

Hello,

Don't be down, stay optimistic - be hopeful and confident about the future.

I had similar issues 6yrs ago when I arrived - I also went to dmv and wasn't allowed to take the test 2 times, I didn't have a green card and ssn then, I got someone to drive me to another city - 1hr 30mins drive to get a letter from immigration/social security that my green card is on its way and all, It didn't help as well - my advise is wait - it will get to you soon - then you can go back.

The dmv don't know that the stamp on your visa is equivalent to your green card - most people don't understand immigration stuff, so its better you wait just 4 awhile - your card will be with you soon, call usics - 1-800-375-5283 and track it.

People also expect you to buy gas in their car before they drive you around, so be prepared for that. Or if you live close to a bus route - I will advise you walk to the bus station - write out the number to call, and call the customer service line, tell them where you are and where you want to go, they will plan your trip for you. That's how i got around, I was pretty smart about it. I stopped depending on people, sometimes I took 3 buses just to get to where i was going, I survived and knew my way around.

Good luck and welcome to America.

You have to be sharp here and do your thing with/without anyone's help.

I knew it would be hard to settle in and adjust, but I think I underestimated it. I've been here about 10 days but struggling with how I'm supposed to feel and what I should be doing.

I've got a bank account, a cell phone, and already passed the test to get a driver's permit. Unfortunately the dmv wouldn't issue one to me because my ssc (obtained years ago on different visa) was in my maiden name. My husband had to drive me to the other end of the county to the ssa who just handed me a letter to say I've applied for a new card, which the dmv wouldn't accept.

We live in a rural area and I feel trapped and dependent having to ask for rides everywhere. I just want to get up and going to start my life here proper - I want to apply for jobs , networking events and voluntary opportunities, but feel hampered by having to rely on people (spouse and his parents). When I explained to my husband (who is also looking for work) I'd applied for a few things he seemed really put out, said he'd need notice to drive me, and it'd depend on the location, and questioned my ability to work anyway (I know I can and he does too, I don't know where that came from),

I knew it'd be hard, but I feel a bit down and thought I'd ask how others coped at the start, and how long it took you to get up and going in your new home. Any advice would be much appreciated

Edited June 25, 2012 by Almost done

[JohnR! 5,495]

You can drive with your GB drivers license, legally, in the US, while you wait for your SS to be changed. If your husband does not want you driving his car for insurance purposes, you can always rent a car, where they will take your GB permit and charge you for insurance so you can drive legally.

IMHO the easiest way to settle down in a new place is not settling down at all. I mean, try and adapt certain aspects of your everyday life here as you did back home. Dont sweat over the stuff that will be lost in translation or that cannot be adapted. Life will take care of you when you can't take care of life.

I wish you well in your new country!

[HelenBradley 28]

I knew it would be hard to settle in and adjust, but I think I underestimated it. I've been here about 10 days but struggling with how I'm supposed to feel and what I should be doing.

I've got a bank account, a cell phone, and already passed the test to get a driver's permit. Unfortunately the dmv wouldn't issue one to me because my ssc (obtained years ago on different visa) was in my maiden name. My husband had to drive me to the other end of the county to the ssa who just handed me a letter to say I've applied for a new card, which the dmv wouldn't accept.

We live in a rural area and I feel trapped and dependent having to ask for rides everywhere. I just want to get up and going to start my life here proper - I want to apply for jobs , networking events and voluntary opportunities, but feel hampered by having to rely on people (spouse and his parents). When I explained to my husband (who is also looking for work) I'd applied for a few things he seemed really put out, said he'd need notice to drive me, and it'd depend on the location, and questioned my ability to work anyway (I know I can and he does too, I don't know where that came from),

I knew it'd be hard, but I feel a bit down and thought I'd ask how others coped at the start, and how long it took you to get up and going in your new home. Any advice would be much appreciated

I understand how you feel.

What I don't understand is your husbands lack of understanding. That really sucks. I found it difficult to settle in at first. My husband helped me out by being willing to help me out in any way he could. I volunteered full time, but that was only possible because he would drive me there and back...I had to work around him, often I'd finish volunteering and have to occupy myself until he was able to come and pick me up, or I'd have to arrive later or leave earlier. But he used to take me there in the morning, often come and get me in between classes (he teaches) and then he'd go back to work. Without his support I'd have had a very tough time. My point is that we found a way to deal with it together.

My husband lived abroad (when he met me and before he met me) so he understood how I was feeling. If yours doesn't it might be worth talking to him about it.

Once you get your driving license it'll be a lot better...and volunteering is better than working while you are figuring that out because you can be more flexible.

I agree with the previous poster who said you need to figure it out on your own...only because that really gave me a sense of empowerment. Starting something new and difficult is a challenge but certainly one you are up to! My husband helped me out but he also expected me to be flexible and work hard to get what I wanted (a job, friends, my own life). I've been here for just under 2 years and I feel very settled now. You'll get there too...but it is hard work! You can do it. Most people on this forum understand what you are experiencing.

Also: I don't know your situation, but can you ask your husband if he can put the word out to any of his friends or coworkers to see if there are people who'd be interested in having you volunteer/work with them, or offer transportation or spend time with you, showing you around etc?

Edited June 25, 2012 by Helen Louise

[EV11 18]

I just want you to know that you are not alone, these feelings are so normal.

I remember when I first arrived almost a year ago and it was very overwhelming. After the wedding, my friends and family flew back to England and reality kicked in. Thank God for my husband!

I used to get angry, frustrated and cry (the closer it got to getting my EAD, the more I cried lol) as it just seemed that things were taking so long. During that time we were broke, and seeing my husband go to work and school, made me feel even more useless. I would constantly think I was a burden.

A year on...I am in full time employment in a job I love, have made amazing new friends and my relationship with my husband is better than ever, because we both have created a life together. We have just decorated our apartment - it felt great!

I understand that you live in a rural area, and this is something that makes things that bit harder. I would however volunteer if you are able to, and also join local clubs if they are close enough. Volunteering made me feel like I was doing something worth while, I treated it like it was a job. I would volunteer for the early shifts so that I could put my alarm on and wake up like I was going to work. Its funny the things you do! But most importantly, don't underestimate all the things you have got done in 10 days! You sound like you have really made things happen. I have only recently started making friends over here, it takes a long time.

As for your husband, relationships just take a while to adjust. I can remember when i got my new job my husband was soooo happy for me but he was also nervous, not because he was a bad guy, or expected me to stay at home, but because our sitations are unique to the "normal" relationship and it can be stressful.

Just remember to keep the faith and trust me...the bumpy road won't last long!

[HelenBradley 28]

I just want you to know that you are not alone, these feelings are so normal.

I remember when I first arrived almost a year ago and it was very overwhelming. After the wedding, my friends and family flew back to England and reality kicked in. Thank God for my husband!

I used to get angry, frustrated and cry (the closer it got to getting my EAD, the more I cried lol) as it just seemed that things were taking so long. During that time we were broke, and seeing my husband go to work and school, made me feel even more useless. I would constantly think I was a burden.

A year on...I am in full time employment in a job I love, have made amazing new friends and my relationship with my husband is better than ever, because we both have created a life together. We have just decorated our apartment - it felt great!

I understand that you live in a rural area, and this is something that makes things that bit harder. I would however volunteer if you are able to, and also join local clubs if they are close enough. Volunteering made me feel like I was doing something worth while, I treated it like it was a job. I would volunteer for the early shifts so that I could put my alarm on and wake up like I was going to work. Its funny the things you do! But most importantly, don't underestimate all the things you have got done in 10 days! You sound like you have really made things happen. I have only recently started making friends over here, it takes a long time.

As for your husband, relationships just take a while to adjust. I can remember when i got my new job my husband was soooo happy for me but he was also nervous, not because he was a bad guy, or expected me to stay at home, but because our sitations are unique to the "normal" relationship and it can be stressful.

Just remember to keep the faith and trust me...the bumpy road won't last long!

I totally agree about treating it like a full time job. I was there at 8am almost every day and worked until everyone else did! I got an amazing reference from my supervisor which helped me get my current job.

I also agree that making real friends does take time.

[rlogan 2,036]

What I don't understand is your husbands lack of understanding.

Yeah. Communication is critical. Maybe he resented not telling him about applying for work before you did it. I have no idea but you have to be on the same team.

Rural living though, that's tough. I don't know how people can do it. Are there wild animals you have to deal with?

[snapdragon 9]

Hi all

Thanks for your messages and support - I spoke to my husband and he's not put out that I want to volunteer etc, in fact he expects me to. He's also somewhat glad that we are both looking for work because he has been able to spend time with me while I adjust.

I lived in a rural place in the UK, but the difference is back in the UK I could and would walk to other villages, get public transport to the city, etc. I worked in the city, sometimes worked in London, and even without a car felt fairly free. Not so in the USA, it just doesn't have the public transport infrastructure - just suburban sprawl.

rlogan - yup, there's a couple of groundhogs, the odd chipmunk, deer, bunnies, and allegedly a bear that wanders around (I've never seen it). In the UK I had foxes, deer, bunnies etc, so it's quite nice.

[HelenBradley 28]

Hi all

Thanks for your messages and support - I spoke to my husband and he's not put out that I want to volunteer etc, in fact he expects me to. He's also somewhat glad that we are both looking for work because he has been able to spend time with me while I adjust.

I lived in a rural place in the UK, but the difference is back in the UK I could and would walk to other villages, get public transport to the city, etc. I worked in the city, sometimes worked in London, and even without a car felt fairly free. Not so in the USA, it just doesn't have the public transport infrastructure - just suburban sprawl.

rlogan - yup, there's a couple of groundhogs, the odd chipmunk, deer, bunnies, and allegedly a bear that wanders around (I've never seen it). In the UK I had foxes, deer, bunnies etc, so it's quite nice.

Lack of public transport is hard. Especially when you live in a state without suburban sprawl! We're fairly rural (in my opinion) and it still feels weird to be dependent on my car, I never even had one in the UK. My husband is from Alaska and he thinks we live in the suburbs in Vermont But we definitely don't. It is too far to walk anywhere...even to the next neighbourhood.

It takes a while to settle in. I am glad you talked to your husband. You're both finding your feet. It's hard. My husband and I lived in Scotland together for 3 years before we moved to Vermont, a place that was new for both of us...so I did not anticipate that I would have trouble settling in...but I did. I've had it easy compared to some...but we all have a period of adjustment.

Take care,

Helen

[rlogan 2,036]

rlogan - yup, there's a couple of groundhogs, the odd chipmunk, deer, bunnies, and allegedly a bear that wanders around (I've never seen it). In the UK I had foxes, deer, bunnies etc, so it's quite nice.

Yeah we've shot five bears here so far. Neighbor shot a wolf for eating his dog. They took one of mine too a number of years after that, but it was the right dog. A dreadful useless yap-yap thing the ex wife dragged on here.