my marriage is failing

[Sandra G. 5,064]

Gowon I would like to extend an invitation for you to join us in Denver Colorado from July 21 to July 25. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence will host an amazing conference called "Preserving Our Roots While Looking to the Future",it will help you understand domestic violence. I will be there representing my organization who helps victims of violence domestic.

Gowon I do not jump on the" abuse bandwagon". Besides being an attorney, I am a certified counselor and member of the American Couseling Association as well, and I think my qualifications speak for itself. When people seek refuge and shelter in my organization I do not have to "call the abuser" to find out if the person is telling me the truth or not.I am a highly qualified, experienced and certified counselor. Every single case here in the visa Journey that I gave my opinion about abuse I talked to the person in private before posting my opinion, as I did with the member brookheaven.

If you are not making a difference in someone's life then you are living your life in vain. Find a cause and speak out!

Edited June 28, 2012 by sandranj

[Givemegoodnews 9]

Feminists always prefer the easy way out irregardless of the longterm consequences their decisions could have on their children and family.

Im mindful of the effects abuse has on the victim, but its so easy to scream abuse especially when every case is different in background and reasons.

So feminists need to stop living in fairytale land, stop qouting your credentials. wipe the crocodile tears and think of how many children youve seperated from their families.

[decocker 7,198]

Feminists always prefer the easy way out irregardless of the longterm consequences their decisions could have on their children and family.

Im mindful of the effects abuse has on the victim, but its so easy to scream abuse especially when every case is different in background and reasons.

So feminists need to stop living in fairytale land, stop qouting your credentials. wipe the crocodile tears and think of how many children youve seperated from their families.

wow.

hey there's a specific forum here for this sort of dribble - politics and religion. not a possible abuse victim's thread asking for advice/help.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Gowon I would like to extend an invitation for you to join us in Denver Colorado from July 21 to July 25. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence will host an amazing conference called "Preserving Our Roots While Looking to the Future",it will help you understand domestic violence. I will be there representing my organization who helps victims of violence domestic.

Gowon I do not jump on the" abuse bandwagon". Besides being an attorney, I am a certified counselor and member of the American Couseling Association as well, and I think my qualifications speak for itself. When people seek refuge and shelter in my organization I do not have to "call the abuser" to find out if the person is telling me the truth or not.I am a highly qualified, experienced and certified counselor. Every single case here in the visa Journey that I gave my opinion about abuse I talked to the person in private before posting my opinion, as I did with the member brookheaven.

If you are not making a difference in someone's life then you are living your life in vain. Find a cause and speak out!

Thank you for the invite but unfortunately I would have to decline. We are not a good social match as our interests differs and I have a strong dislike for your complete "qualifications".

I wish the best of luck to the OP and all concerned.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Gowon

[Sandra G. 5,064]

Gowon feeling our own pain is normal. Feeling other people's pain is extraordinary.I am very blessed, honored and grateful to be able to help those in need.

"We must become the change we want to see in the world.”

(Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi).

[DandT14 272]

Dant14 you said if your husband raises his hands you will laugh. I really hope if your daughter tells you one day her husband raised his hands to her you tell her this is called disrespect and she should not tolerate in any circunstance". Every time someone abused seeks refuge in our shelter we don't tell them you should laugh because your husband raised Just his hands,but we say "It's not your fault.Violence,screaming,yelling is wrong.Mental abuse is considered abuse.You did the right thing living your abuser.You will see a psychologist soon and you will understand you were abused and you didnt deserve that". I hope that our children do not grow up with a mentality to laugh when abuse is taking place.She is being abused.How do i know that? If she arrives in my shelter I will admit her as battered person.It's not her fault.Stop with the stupid argument about hormones for God sake. She is a victim,he is the abuser.

I have credentials too, I just don't spout them on the internet. My point in saying I would laugh was that if you don't feel threatened, it doesn't mean anything. He might raise his hand in frustration, like "omg, be quiet." That's not abusive. That's normal. People get mad and have arguments. Sometimes they yell. I didn't read anything in her post that said she was abused. Sorry, not a word of it. I read what she wrote and recognized depression.

Amazing that the woman says she's miserable, isolated and being abused and you're blaming it on pregnancy hormones.

She felt threatened enough that she's frightened and wants to leave. Is that not enough for you? What needs to happen before you'll give her permission to trust her instincts and get out? Not all abuse is physical. So what if he didn't hit her? He raised his hand at her, and it bothered her enough to mention it. What about the mental abuse of being locked in the house, having absolutely no social life outside of her husband and his friends?

A woman comes out and clearly says she's scared, confused, and wants to leave. And you spend paragraphs blaming her hormones and saying SHE needs to get help.

Some people with their victim blaming, I just can't figure it out.

She's depressed. She never said she was frightened, she said she was sad. She never said she was abused, she said she used to be happy and now she's not. She also said she has a 5 month old baby. Don't you think that depression is at least worth considering?

I believe in divorce. I believe in leaving if it's what's best for the people involved. But I don't want this woman to make a bad decision fueled by depression. Nothing about her post suggests she's in immediate danger, nor is their baby. So, she can afford to take some time and sort out what she's feeling. No one needs to tell her to run for her life here.

And sandranj, I'm sure that when women get to the point of coming to a shelter, they are really in need of your help. I don't doubt it. But that doesn't mean that every woman who says "my husband isolates me and controls me" on the internet is actually being abused. People exaggerate, particularly when they are emotional. You have to know that.

My suggestion is that she seek help for the way she's feeling, before making a decision to ruin her husband's life, and take his baby away from him. I don't see why that's a bad thing.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I have credentials too, I just don't spout them on the internet. My point in saying I would laugh was that if you don't feel threatened, it doesn't mean anything. He might raise his hand in frustration, like "omg, be quiet." That's not abusive. That's normal. People get mad and have arguments. Sometimes they yell. I didn't read anything in her post that said she was abused. Sorry, not a word of it. I read what she wrote and recognized depression.

She's depressed. She never said she was frightened, she said she was sad. She never said she was abused, she said she used to be happy and now she's not. She also said she has a 5 month old baby. Don't you think that depression is at least worth considering?

I believe in divorce. I believe in leaving if it's what's best for the people involved. But I don't want this woman to make a bad decision fueled by depression. Nothing about her post suggests she's in immediate danger, nor is their baby. So, she can afford to take some time and sort out what she's feeling. No one needs to tell her to run for her life here.

And sandranj, I'm sure that when women get to the point of coming to a shelter, they are really in need of your help. I don't doubt it. But that doesn't mean that every woman who says "my husband isolates me and controls me" on the internet is actually being abused. People exaggerate, particularly when they are emotional. You have to know that.

My suggestion is that she seek help for the way she's feeling, before making a decision to ruin her husband's life, and take his baby away from him. I don't see why that's a bad thing.

Well said.

Before I met my Ex Wife and all through our courtship, she knew of my automotive hobby and she even particiapted. The fact that I come home from a regular 8-5 and go right to the garage for another 2-3 hours was considered emotional abuse by our marriage counselor years later down the road during the divorce. I was accused for not being emotionally available. Forget that I was trying to place food on the table for the family.

So yeah I tend to think the word abuse has been watered down adn becoming a cutsie slang. This is a crying shame as some people are really abused. Feminists who scream the word at the very top of their voices have themeselves only to blame for the lack of emphaty sometimes and from people like me who wants to hear the complete story before making a decision.

I continue to wish the OP the best fo luck.

[bsd058 296]

I'm not sure what the answer is for you brookhaven. I don't know the whole situation. One thing I do know is that if a man is abusing you by hitting you, you should get out of your house physically with your child to prevent him from hitting you more. You probably feel weird or that some of it is your fault. Most people do feel it's their own fault when they are abused. They can sometimes make "excuses" for their partner. They are embarassed. There is no need to feel embarassed though. No matter what is actually going on, seek counselling. If you want to salvage the marriage, try marriage counselling. In the meantime, in order to protect you and your child (if there is physical abuse going on), go somewhere safe (a friend's house, family, shelter for abused women). Figure it out in an environment where you can think clearly and not where your emotions will be running wild because of depression. Your marriage is VERY important; but it takes two people to make a marriage. You need to file charges if he has actually hit you or threatened you. A criminal will always act like a criminal until they are properly reprimanded. It's human nature to do what you think you can get away with. If you stay with him and he is hitting you, then he will continue to think he will get away with it until the police enforce the law with him. File the following charges: assault (if he threatened you with a motion, gesture, or verbal threat) & battery (if he actually hit you). If you file these charges, it will not prevent you from keeping your GC. You will be able to file according to the USCIS guidelines for battered spouses. You just may have to wait longer to have no conditions on your GC.

See here:

http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/menuitem.eb1d4c2a3e5b9ac89243c6a7543f6d1a/?vgnextoid=b85c3e4d77d73210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD&vgnextchannel=b85c3e4d77d73210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD

I'm not telling you to leave your husband. I'm just saying that you should take precautions to protect yourself and your child, and do not worry about the repercussions against you.

I'll tell you one thing, "raising your hand" to hit your spouse is threatening and is assault. I, as a man and husband, see no reason for a man to threaten a woman, and never should a person threaten another with physical harm, except in cases of self-defense.

[Tuti & Baher 10]

Why the hell are YOU so quick to advise a woman to stay in a marriage where she is CLEARLY being abused? You think a man who raises his hand to her in anger, locks her in the house, and isolates her from everyone is going to go to family counseling?

This is disgusting advice and I can't believe people actually think this way.

The OP needs to get out for her sake and for the sake of her daughter.

She would not be "destroying her marriage" - her husband has already done so.

People are calling it abuse because that is what it is. Have you ever been abused? Or known someone who has? This is how abuse works. The victim becomes dependent on their abuser, so they think they should stay. And then they have wackjobs actually telling them TO stay even though their lives are miserable.

Plenty of husbands are stressed and don't always feel good about themselves, but not all of them come home and raise their hands to their wives in anger, or isolates them from the rest of the world.

My god.

[brookhaven 0]

the situation i am in is the most depressing thing i have ever gone through.We sat down and talked about what we want out of this marriage and how that is gonna affect our baby.I told him that we need to go to a marriage counselor but he turned me down by saying that he doesnt see any need of any advise because he is happy and content,then he went on,attacking me of how selfish iam because i want a divorce and how my daughter will never visit my country because that would be considered "kidnapping".Thanks for all your advise guys.I'll update you.

[Karee 4,191]

Well said.

Before I met my Ex Wife and all through our courtship, she knew of my automotive hobby and she even particiapted. The fact that I come home from a regular 8-5 and go right to the garage for another 2-3 hours was considered emotional abuse by our marriage counselor years later down the road during the divorce. I was accused for not being emotionally available. Forget that I was trying to place food on the table for the family.

So yeah I tend to think the word abuse has been watered down adn becoming a cutsie slang. This is a crying shame as some people are really abused. Feminists who scream the word at the very top of their voices have themeselves only to blame for the lack of emphaty sometimes and from people like me who wants to hear the complete story before making a decision.

I continue to wish the OP the best fo luck.

Disagree with bolded above. Sandranaj has been a HUGE help to people here. Especially in this forum.

Gowon, either fill out your profile, or go back to working on your car. Maybe spend a few dollars on a dictionary. Your spelling is terrible.

[aaron-christine 8]

It doesn't really matter how you put it. Raising your hand to a woman and using verbal threats IS abuse. Period. While I do agree that it seems as if you might be going through a depression, this is no excuse for his actions. Of course you stay and try things out before you file for divorce, which it seems that you have done, but I also think that once a person have suicidal thoughts something HAS to change. It is not selfish of you to consider your options. You owe that to yourself and your daugther! I have read alot of sad stories on VJ and it breaks my heart. I was blessed to have exactly what I dreamed about and you should claim that too. Good luck to you

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Disagree with bolded above. Sandranaj has been a HUGE help to people here. Especially in this forum.

Gowon, either fill out your profile, or go back to working on your car. Maybe spend a few dollars on a dictionary. Your spelling is terrible.

Requests are all denied.

Have a wonderful and blessed day.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Gowon

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

the situation i am in is the most depressing thing i have ever gone through.We sat down and talked about what we want out of this marriage and how that is gonna affect our baby.I told him that we need to go to a marriage counselor but he turned me down by saying that he doesnt see any need of any advise because he is happy and content,then he went on,attacking me of how selfish iam because i want a divorce and how my daughter will never visit my country because that would be considered "kidnapping".Thanks for all your advise guys.I'll update you.

I continue to wish you the best of luck in dealing this, especially that a child is involved.

[Ban Hammer 13,530]

let's stay on topic please. the op didn't post this to be berated or have the thread hijacked with arguing.