my marriage is failing

[brookhaven 0]

So, i have been reading your posts and i find them very comforting for somebody in my position. I have been with my husband for 5 years but married for 3 years and things have been gotten bad ever since we moved out to live his parents.When we first met everything was fine and we used to have fun though he kept me locked up in the house when he went to work (he works at night), i had no friends, no life, but because i loved him i stayed.I cry everynight thinking of why I have to go through this, I used to be a bubbly happy person, now i dont enjoy things anymore,i dont have friends or family.The only people I know are his family and they dont understand what i have to go through. We have a 5month daughter and I want to file for divorce but i dont even know where to start.I have tried talking to him but he thinks i got it made because I am now a resident but i could care less about that,i just want to be happy.when he is not working he stays on his laptop all night, we barely talk to eachother. when he gets mad he raises his hand at me, I am very depressed inside,sometimes i wish i should just die.Why does life have to be like this? I deserve better than this! So we recently filed for ROC in february but now i dont feel like i can go through with it.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

Your husband is an abusive man.It's clear the line was crossed. Keeping you lock up in the house, isolating you from the world, no friends,no life,raising his hands when he is mad.My dear isolating, ignoring, rejecting is a form of mental/psychological abuse. You need to get away from this kind of abusive relationship. We are our choices and it's time for you take some control of your life and make some serious decisions. Emotional abuse slowly eats away at a victim's self-confidence, you used to be a bubbly happy person and now you can't even recognize who you became right?. The longer you stay in this abusive relationship the greater the toll will be in your self-esteem. The more you put up with it the more he will do it. Verbal abuse, or abuse of any kind is never ok.

Find a shelter who helps victims of domestic violence,if you fear for your life get a restraining order against him. Despite you submitted the I-751 you still can file a new I-751 based in Vawa, you do not a divorce decree to apply for Vawa. Life doesn't have to be like this at all, you have the option to leave, and you will be able to succeed in life without him! Life is a precious gift.This is your life, take it back. Remember that you are strong, you are someone's daughter, someone's sister and someone's mother.You are important,you deserve the best. If you need to find some shelter or help with some immigration issues you can send me a message.I am an attorney and I own a non profit organization who helps victims of domestic violence. You are never alone.

Edited June 24, 2012 by sandranj

[brookhaven 0]

Thank you so much for taking time to listen to my problem.I have been so depressed that i feel so worthless. I will definitely go ahead and file for divorce and look for a shelter some place else.If i had known his true colors i wouldnt have even said yes to his marriage proposal. Thank you so much. I feel better that I am not the only one going through this.

Your husband is an abusive man.It's clear the line was crossed. Keeping you lock up in the house, isolating you from the world, no friends,no life,raising his hands when he is mad.My dear isolating, ignoring, rejecting is a form of mental/psychological abuse. You need to get away from this kind of abusive relationship. We are our choices and it's time for you take some control of your life and make some serious decisions. Emotional abuse slowly eats away at a victim's self-confidence, you used to be a bubbly happy person and now you can't even recognize who you became right?. The longer you stay in this abusive relationship the greater the toll will be in your self-esteem. The more you put up with it the more he will do it. Verbal abuse, or abuse of any kind is never ok.

Find a shelter who helps victims of domestic violence,if you fear for your life get a restraining order against him. Despite you submitted the I-751 you still can file a new I-751 based in Vawa, you do not a divorce decree to apply for Vawa. Life doesn't have to be like this at all, you have the option to leave, and you will be able to succeed in life without him! Life is a precious gift.This is your life, take it back. Remember that you are strong, you are someone's daughter, someone's sister and someone's mother.You are important,you deserve the best. If you need to find some shelter or help with some immigration issues you can send me a message.I am an attorney and I own a non profit organization who helps victims of domestic violence. You are never alone.

[rlogan 2,036]

...he raises his hand at me...

Sounded like classic abuse. They force you into a position of dependency on them and then use it to terrorize you. Sounds like you made the right first step.

[Givemegoodnews 9]

Your husband is an abusive man.It's clear the line was crossed. Keeping you lock up in the house, isolating you from the world, no friends,no life,raising his hands when he is mad.My dear isolating, ignoring, rejecting is a form of mental/psychological abuse. You need to get away from this kind of abusive relationship. We are our choices and it's time for you take some control of your life and make some serious decisions. Emotional abuse slowly eats away at a victim's self-confidence, you used to be a bubbly happy person and now you can't even recognize who you became right?. The longer you stay in this abusive relationship the greater the toll will be in your self-esteem. The more you put up with it the more he will do it. Verbal abuse, or abuse of any kind is never ok.

Find a shelter who helps victims of domestic violence,if you fear for your life get a restraining order against him. Despite you submitted the I-751 you still can file a new I-751 based in Vawa, you do not a divorce decree to apply for Vawa. Life doesn't have to be like this at all, you have the option to leave, and you will be able to succeed in life without him! Life is a precious gift.This is your life, take it back. Remember that you are strong, you are someone's daughter, someone's sister and someone's mother.You are important,you deserve the best. If you need to find some shelter or help with some immigration issues you can send me a message.I am an attorney and I own a non profit organization who helps victims of domestic violence. You are never alone.

Why the hell are you so quick to advise her to destroy their marriage when they have a child together? What ever happend to communication and trying to work things out?

Brook dear this is some sick advise you're getting , feeding on your pains is all they're doing. Seek family counseling and try to stay with your family. Thats life, you experience hardships you're just gonna walk away ?? nahhh be strong work it out and preserve your family.

Brook I know how you feel , I really do, but stay collected and calm. Dont be so quick to seek divorce.

ok thanks

Edited June 25, 2012 by Givemegoodnews

[DandT14 272]

I'm not anti-divorce. But I do think people yell "abuse" and "divorce" a bit too easily here.

The situation you're living in would be stressful for anyone. It's totally understandable why you're depressed. You just had a baby too, and those hormones aren't helping the situation. Your husband is undoubtedly feeling the stress too. Yes, he has a job and gets to leave the house, but how good can he feel about himself, when he's not providing for his family?

Think this divorce thing through long and hard before you do it. It's best to live your life with as few regrets as possible.

[deleted this acco 44]

"though he kept me locked up in the house when he went to work (he works at night)"; he should have left the doors unlocked when he went to work@nite????

[DandT14 272]

I re-read your original post and it just screams depression. My advice would be to get a little bit of help before you make such a big decision as leaving your husband with a small baby. You could have some postpartum depression going on. Maybe not, but it's worth a trip to the doctor to talk about it.

You said your husband is on his laptop rather than spending time with you. He's withdrawing, maybe from the stress of it all. Men deal with things differently. A lot of them don't want to talk about what they are feeling, so they distract themselves.

Is there any chance of getting out of his parents house?

[Sandra G. 5,057]

Givemegoodnews I am going to send you an invitation to attend some "violence domestic convention", and you will be able to educate yourself about abuse. One of the things ALL non profit organizations who helps victims of violence domestic say is that FIRST YOU SEEK SHELTER TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE ABUSER and after that you discuss about your marriage. I am dealing with victims of domestic violence over 22 years, and how about you? . Let's say NO to all forms of violence, let's advise who is living with abuser to seek refugee in a safe place.Speak out and help others in need, but give some advice please based in your experience working with battered people.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

Why the hell are you so quick to advise her to destroy their marriage when they have a child together? What ever happend to communication and trying to work things out?

Brook dear this is some sick advise you're getting , feeding on your pains is all they're doing. Seek family counseling and try to stay with your family. Thats life, you experience hardships you're just gonna walk away ?? nahhh be strong work it out and preserve your family.

Brook I know how you feel , I really do, but stay collected and calm. Dont be so quick to seek divorce.

ok thanks

Why the hell are YOU so quick to advise a woman to stay in a marriage where she is CLEARLY being abused? You think a man who raises his hand to her in anger, locks her in the house, and isolates her from everyone is going to go to family counseling?

This is disgusting advice and I can't believe people actually think this way.

The OP needs to get out for her sake and for the sake of her daughter.

She would not be "destroying her marriage" - her husband has already done so.

I'm not anti-divorce. But I do think people yell "abuse" and "divorce" a bit too easily here.

The situation you're living in would be stressful for anyone. It's totally understandable why you're depressed. You just had a baby too, and those hormones aren't helping the situation. Your husband is undoubtedly feeling the stress too. Yes, he has a job and gets to leave the house, but how good can he feel about himself, when he's not providing for his family?

Think this divorce thing through long and hard before you do it. It's best to live your life with as few regrets as possible.

People are calling it abuse because that is what it is. Have you ever been abused? Or known someone who has? This is how abuse works. The victim becomes dependent on their abuser, so they think they should stay. And then they have wackjobs actually telling them TO stay even though their lives are miserable.

Plenty of husbands are stressed and don't always feel good about themselves, but not all of them come home and raise their hands to their wives in anger, or isolates them from the rest of the world.

My god.

Edited June 25, 2012 by Evylin

[DandT14 272]

People are calling it abuse because that is what it is. Have you ever been abused? Or known someone who has? This is how abuse works. The victim becomes dependent on their abuser, so they think they should stay. And then they have wackjobs actually telling them TO stay even though their lives are miserable.

Plenty of husbands are stressed and don't always feel good about themselves, but not all of them come home and raise their hands to their wives in anger, or isolates them from the rest of the world.

My god.

Yes, I know a lot about abuse. I also know that we live in a culture where it's actually trendy to call EVERYTHING abuse. It's getting to the point where when a man gets mad and raises his voice (a totally normal human behavior) he's called abusive. She said "he raised his hand in anger". How do you interpret that? I interpret it as physically raising his hand, not hitting. Some people do that, it doesn't mean anything. I'd be more interested in knowing if she actually felt threatened. If my husband raised his hand to me, I'd probably fall down laughing. The rest of her story is being told from the perspective of someone who is seeing everything through a negative filter. How many women say their husband is "controlling" or "isolating"? It doesn't mean it's true, especially if she's dealing with postpartum depression. She has a 5 month old baby, her hormones are still out of control. I'd rather see her get help for that first before she labels her husband an abuser and runs out the door.

I support women who leave situations that are unhealthy for themselves and their children. But you have to be sure that's what's actually going on before you destroy a man's life. Seems clear to me he's suffering too. Well, suffering or cheating.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

Dant14 you said if your husband raises his hands you will laugh. I really hope if your daughter tells you one day her husband raised his hands to her you tell her this is called disrespect and she should not tolerate in any circunstance". Every time someone abused seeks refuge in our shelter we don't tell them you should laugh because your husband raised Just his hands,but we say "It's not your fault.Violence,screaming,yelling is wrong.Mental abuse is considered abuse.You did the right thing living your abuser.You will see a psychologist soon and you will understand you were abused and you didnt deserve that". I hope that our children do not grow up with a mentality to laugh when abuse is taking place.She is being abused.How do i know that? If she arrives in my shelter I will admit her as battered person.It's not her fault.Stop with the stupid argument about hormones for God sake. She is a victim,he is the abuser.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

Yes, I know a lot about abuse. I also know that we live in a culture where it's actually trendy to call EVERYTHING abuse. It's getting to the point where when a man gets mad and raises his voice (a totally normal human behavior) he's called abusive. She said "he raised his hand in anger". How do you interpret that? I interpret it as physically raising his hand, not hitting. Some people do that, it doesn't mean anything. I'd be more interested in knowing if she actually felt threatened. If my husband raised his hand to me, I'd probably fall down laughing. The rest of her story is being told from the perspective of someone who is seeing everything through a negative filter. How many women say their husband is "controlling" or "isolating"? It doesn't mean it's true, especially if she's dealing with postpartum depression. She has a 5 month old baby, her hormones are still out of control. I'd rather see her get help for that first before she labels her husband an abuser and runs out the door.

I support women who leave situations that are unhealthy for themselves and their children. But you have to be sure that's what's actually going on before you destroy a man's life. Seems clear to me he's suffering too. Well, suffering or cheating.

Amazing that the woman says she's miserable, isolated and being abused and you're blaming it on pregnancy hormones.

She felt threatened enough that she's frightened and wants to leave. Is that not enough for you? What needs to happen before you'll give her permission to trust her instincts and get out? Not all abuse is physical. So what if he didn't hit her? He raised his hand at her, and it bothered her enough to mention it. What about the mental abuse of being locked in the house, having absolutely no social life outside of her husband and his friends?

A woman comes out and clearly says she's scared, confused, and wants to leave. And you spend paragraphs blaming her hormones and saying SHE needs to get help.

Some people with their victim blaming, I just can't figure it out.

Edited June 26, 2012 by Evylin

[Teddy B 17,252]

Brookhaven,

Strangers on the internet is the last place you should be looking for marriage and family advice. No one knows what your true situation is better than you. If you are being physically abused then you should remove yourself and your baby from the situation as soon as possible. Otherwise you may want to seek counseling, either through a church or a support group, or professionally. If your husband would be willing to go with you and you both can try to work things out, that would be a good option too. Have you tried to talk to him about going to marriage counseling?

I wish you well.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Givemegoodnews I am going to send you an invitation to attend some "violence domestic convention", and you will be able to educate yourself about abuse. One of the things ALL non profit organizations who helps victims of violence domestic say is that FIRST YOU SEEK SHELTER TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE ABUSER and after that you discuss about your marriage. I am dealing with victims of domestic violence over 22 years, and how about you? . Let's say NO to all forms of violence, let's advise who is living with abuser to seek refugee in a safe place.Speak out and help others in need, but give some advice please based in your experience working with battered people.

Here we go again

There should never be any acceptable level of abuse is a realtionship but it seems that you're always quick to jump on the abuse bandwagon, quote your credentials and call for an immediate dissolution.

Edited June 26, 2012 by Gowon