want a divorce

[KemalTuanaYalcin 16]

hi guys

i have such a huge dillema ..... I came to the US to be with my husband who had promised me so many things. When i got here the first week was great. Then i asked him about the deposit for our apartment. He didnt have any money. I had my salary from my job in the UK which was enough for an apartment. We were denied because his cedit history is bad. I then had to live with his family on a matress on the floor. He became physically ill for 3 weeks and i had to look after him.

I took up a job which was alot less than i am qualified to do to get some money. I managed to save up some and got an apartment under my name. I am still working trying to work on my driving as i dont have a licience yet so getting around would be difficult. It has been 3 months now he has had no money, i have paid to get his car fixed along with insurance, i bought all the food, gas, cigarettes furniture for the apartment. He has literally NO money. I am so stressed out. I feel that i have been lied to and cheated out of my new life. He also said that he had sent my daughters visa off but no sign of i at the NVC.

I made a choice to come here and i left so much behind. I intend to stay here and work out my life as i have nothing to go back to in the UK. I just feel so let down, disappointed and frustrated. Everytime i ask about him working it turns into a full scale argument, and then him blaming me for being impatient or that i am seeing someone else.... I get a bunch of excuses and then it goes back to me carrying around a whole load of bad feelings towards him. Feelings that make me feel awful inside. I try to wake up and accept the situation but its getting harder. I am usually a happy bubbly person and i am starting to feel depressed now. He said he is really trying but i dont see it to be honest. My old mum always said if you dont have a job get out there 7 days and make it a job to get a job. I feel like i am drowning.

I havnt been taken out anywhere, not been sightseeing i am just heavy with all this. I understand that marriage is for better or worse richer poorer, but i feel i am being used and taken advantage of. I have spent every penny i have sorting everything out. Even the money my family gave me for a wedding gift has gone on is car and food. I feel so sad its like ths and i am not sure what to do.

I just need some constructive advice. I think i know my answer but just needed to put my feelings out there to see if anyone else went through this themselves.

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. Have you considered talking with a marriage counselor or someone of the like? Everything involved in this process is emotionally daunting and while you may be handling things one way, he may be handling it another. The truth is that you don't know what is going on inside of his head and maybe he needs someone else a neutral 3rd party to talk to, it is just an idea.

I wish you the best of luck. Hope things start to turn around for the both of you!

[PatrickAndJess 14]

You having gone through therapy years ago and getting marriage counseling together is different. I would agree with DandT14 that 3 months is a short time to throw away a marriage. I understand the circumstances are hard and that you are feeling like he is not providing you security, plus you have the stress of having moved away from your home to the US. However, I would encourage you to think of the things that made the "4 years of planning a change of life" worth it. Surely there must be reasons why you chose to marry him in the first place. That is my advice / encouragement.

[SweetieOne 41]

Did you visit him during your courtship?

Because he doesn't have money adn perhaps he is depressed? I think your statement is a disservice to those unfrotunate folks who are in real abusive relationships. It seems that the cutsie things nowadays on VJ is to throw the a word around on threads.

Madam, you're not from Gambia, you do have something to go back to if you so wish. You have your Daughter and you can quickly set up again in the UK.

Additionally, you validated your feelings by a one sided conversation on an internet forum. I think he deserves better and you should probably see a maarraige counsellor. Some folks have recovered from worse.

Good luck.

WOW, that is pretty cold hearted statement!!!! I would like to know what you consider "a real abusive relationship" is.

[Thomas&Cleofe 358]

WOW, that is pretty cold hearted statement!!!! I would like to know what you consider "a real abusive relationship" is.

Accusing of Abuse toward another human is a very serious allegation. I think what he is saying is: "being a lazy man is not a crime". Too many people are using the word "abuse" when it is not.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

WOW, that is pretty cold hearted statement!!!! I would like to know what you consider "a real abusive relationship" is.

Did you get a chance to read OPs response?

thank you for your comments Gowon......

........

as far as abusive relationships go there are many form of subtle abuse, emotional, financial, mental, physical. I worked in that firld for a long time and understand the subtleness of these behaviours. And i do not feel it is abuse.

I did not read anything that suggested abuse in what the OP wrote. You are free to interpret differently.

Have a nice day.

Edited June 22, 2012 by Gowon

[Que Saudade 284]

Nobody wants to be in this position. But after reading several times, there were some red flags prior to what is now happening. The very first is your statement about his child support delinquency. In my opinion, this would have been a major no-no. A man who can not take care of his biological kids surely can't expect to add more to his plate financially and come out smelling like a rose. A family is a huge responsibility on many different levels. Financially ranks up there pretty high. Sure, we all have falling on bad times and the economy is not the greatest right now. But this sounds like a chronic behavior and not something that just popped up.

You do have a lot of decisions to make and I am certain none of them are easy. Find a quiet place and search your heart and mind. As someone else already pointed out, you are a smart woman and you will figure it out.

We all have to make hard decisions in our lives, I am confident you will make the right decision for yourself.

Best of luck to the both of you!

Edited June 22, 2012 by John & Mari

[eric n tessa 1]

OP you have been given some good advise and it comes down to you. Good luck! I hope things get better soon

[VanessaTony 3,567]

- I came to the US to be with my husband who had promised me so many things. This appears to be your main issue. You expected grand things that you're not getting

- When i got here the first week was great. Then i asked him about the deposit for our apartment. He didnt have any money. So after the first week you started making demands. My first "demand" was a microwave... we had a roof over our heads, I was willing to wait for better. I assume though this is something you discussed that he again didn't live up to your expectations on

- I had my salary from my job in the UK which was enough for an apartment. We were denied because his credit history is bad. This happens unfortunately. He could have been aware of the problem and attempting to fix it before he had to tell you because he might have been embarassed

- I then had to live with his family on a matress on the floor. He became physically ill for 3 weeks and i had to look after him. You HAD to look after him?! He was sick! You're his wife! Geez... the sleeping on the floor on a mattress... again entitlement. Tony and I hit a rough patch between giving up our apartment and buying a house and the timing didn't match up so we were sleeping on the FLOOR for several months! You had a mattress at least. For a week or two we had to sleep on couches. I don't resent my husband because of this. Not at all. We got through it and now we're doing great house/living situation wise

- I took up a job which was alot less than i am qualified to do to get some money. That's great. Happens to a lot of us. You're doing what you have to to support your family

- I am still working trying to work on my driving as i dont have a licience yet so getting around would be difficult. Why not? If you fixed the car (mentioned below) and he doesn't have a job, why aren't you using the car to learn to drive?

- It has been 3 months now he has had no money, Okay so is this because as he is the American you except more? Or because he's the man? Or because he promised more? 'cause I didn't get a job till over a year after I'd been here so it was MORE than 3 months where I had no money

- I have paid to get his car fixed along with insurance, i bought all the food, gas, cigarettes furniture for the apartment. He has literally NO money. You're a wife. You're supporting your family. I don't understand the problem. I expect you wouldn't like it if he were saying the same about you if the situation were reversed.

- I am so stressed out. I feel that i have been lied to and cheated out of my new life. YOUR "new life"? what were you expecting? A life paved with gold?

- He also said that he had sent my daughters visa off but no sign of i at the NVC. Okay so look into this. All this visa stuff is expensive. Ever think he spent the money he DID have on getting you over here?

- I made a choice to come here and i left so much behind. I intend to stay here and work out my life as i have nothing to go back to in the UK. You can't have left so much behind and yet have nothing to go back to

- I just feel so let down, disappointed and frustrated.

- Everytime I ask about him working it turns into a full scale argument, and then him blaming me for being impatient or that i am seeing someone else.... I get a bunch of excuses and then it goes back to me carrying around a whole load of bad feelings towards him. Feelings that make me feel awful inside. I try to wake up and accept the situation but its getting harder. I am usually a happy bubbly person and i am starting to feel depressed now. Do you think he appreciates being hassled about it? Do you think he's proud of it? Most men, good men, are proud. You constantly questioning him and nagging him probably makes HIM more depressed and less likely to want to do something

- He said he is really trying but i dont see it to be honest. My old mum always said if you dont have a job get out there 7 days and make it a job to get a job. I feel like i am drowning. So you're with him every second of every day? You check his email? You look at his internet history? You see who he talks to and asks about work?

I havnt been taken out anywhere, not been sightseeing i am just heavy with all this. You know... living and supporting your family is more important than sightseeing. You're struggling at the moment but hopefully you'll end up financially stronger eventually

I understand that marriage is for better or worse richer poorer, but i feel i am being used and taken advantage of. I certainly hope every USC who supports their spouse doesn't feel this way. You were lucky to get a 10 year g/c on entry. As a K1 I couldn't work for months so many USC's find themselves supporting a spouse for months on end. Some immigrants aren't able to find work, even at places they are well over-qualified for so for years the USC is supporting us...

I have spent every penny i have sorting everything out. Even the money my family gave me for a wedding gift has gone on is car and food. The money your family gave the BOTH of you has gone to supporting your family. Wedding gift isn't always about buying a new couch or TV

Responses to your post above. It seems to me that you were promised, or expected, a pretty shiny new life and what you've found doesn't live up to your standards.

You expect more from your husband and expect him to be the breadwinner and the one paying all the bills and worrying about money. You expect to be taken sight-seeing and have gifts bought for you and you're not getting that.

Don't get me wrong, I too believe the man should be the main breadwinner but I married a man who feels the same way. I work as well of course but we live up to his income so we can have kids one day and not miss my income. If you prefer a different kind of man then leave him. If you love your husband then realise your relationship dynamic is off at the moment, be SUPPORTIVE of his job hunt but try not to nag. If you love your husband but he just isn't "doing it" for you then leave him. It's up to you. If you're not happy being the one to pay the bills... leaving him isn't going to change the fact that you are the one supporting yourself at the moment... but maybe your issue is you feel like you're carrying dead weight...

There are ways to fix that. Don't give him "spending" money. Get the car title put in YOUR name (or joint names) so you are paying to fix YOUR car. Buy food that you like, and that you need to survive... not expensive food. Put some of your income into savings so you're building a little nest egg for yourself. Maybe having less money to "play" with he'll feel more drive to get a job. Have him be the "house husband" so have him do the cleaning, laundry, cooking and dishes. There are ways to make it work if you WANT to make it work...

[Thomas&Cleofe 358]

Responses to your post above. It seems to me that you were promised, or expected, a pretty shiny new life and what you've found doesn't live up to your standards.

You expect more from your husband and expect him to be the breadwinner and the one paying all the bills and worrying about money. You expect to be taken sight-seeing and have gifts bought for you and you're not getting that.

Don't get me wrong, I too believe the man should be the main breadwinner but I married a man who feels the same way. I work as well of course but we live up to his income so we can have kids one day and not miss my income. If you prefer a different kind of man then leave him. If you love your husband then realise your relationship dynamic is off at the moment, be SUPPORTIVE of his job hunt but try not to nag. If you love your husband but he just isn't "doing it" for you then leave him. It's up to you. If you're not happy being the one to pay the bills... leaving him isn't going to change the fact that you are the one supporting yourself at the moment... but maybe your issue is you feel like you're carrying dead weight...

There are ways to fix that. Don't give him "spending" money. Get the car title put in YOUR name (or joint names) so you are paying to fix YOUR car. Buy food that you like, and that you need to survive... not expensive food. Put some of your income into savings so you're building a little nest egg for yourself. Maybe having less money to "play" with he'll feel more drive to get a job. Have him be the "house husband" so have him do the cleaning, laundry, cooking and dishes. There are ways to make it work if you WANT to make it work...

Hahahaha....if my wife made me the house husband I would get my butt out looking for a job.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Hahahaha....if my wife made me the house husband I would get my butt out looking for a job.

lol see!! Another way to push him to get a job without actually saying "GET A JOB YOU LAZY BUM!"

[Thomas&Cleofe 358]

lol see!! Another way to push him to get a job without actually saying "GET A JOB YOU LAZY BUM!"

Exactly

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Nobody wants to be in this position. But after reading several times, there were some red flags prior to what is now happening. The very first is your statement about his child support delinquency. In my opinion, this would have been a major no-no. A man who can not take care of his biological kids surely can't expect to add more to his plate financially and come out smelling like a rose. A family is a huge responsibility on many different levels. Financially ranks up there pretty high. Sure, we all have falling on bad times and the economy is not the greatest right now. But this sounds like a chronic behavior and not something that just popped up.

You do have a lot of decisions to make and I am certain none of them are easy. Find a quiet place and search your heart and mind. As someone else already pointed out, you are a smart woman and you will figure it out.

We all have to make hard decisions in our lives, I am confident you will make the right decision for yourself.

Best of luck to the both of you!

This comment of your shows what is wrong with the system.

Do you know the specifics of the law and requirements that causes one to loose ability to get/renew a passport due to late payments on child support?

Before you judge, you probably should educate yourself a little bit. You might be suprised.

[Desperada 0]

hi guys

i have such a huge dillema ..... I came to the US to be with my husband who had promised me so many things. When i got here the first week was great. Then i asked him about the deposit for our apartment. He didnt have any money. I had my salary from my job in the UK which was enough for an apartment. We were denied because his cedit history is bad. I then had to live with his family on a matress on the floor. He became physically ill for 3 weeks and i had to look after him.

I took up a job which was alot less than i am qualified to do to get some money. I managed to save up some and got an apartment under my name. I am still working trying to work on my driving as i dont have a licience yet so getting around would be difficult. It has been 3 months now he has had no money, i have paid to get his car fixed along with insurance, i bought all the food, gas, cigarettes furniture for the apartment. He has literally NO money. I am so stressed out. I feel that i have been lied to and cheated out of my new life. He also said that he had sent my daughters visa off but no sign of i at the NVC.

I made a choice to come here and i left so much behind. I intend to stay here and work out my life as i have nothing to go back to in the UK. I just feel so let down, disappointed and frustrated. Everytime i ask about him working it turns into a full scale argument, and then him blaming me for being impatient or that i am seeing someone else.... I get a bunch of excuses and then it goes back to me carrying around a whole load of bad feelings towards him. Feelings that make me feel awful inside. I try to wake up and accept the situation but its getting harder. I am usually a happy bubbly person and i am starting to feel depressed now. He said he is really trying but i dont see it to be honest. My old mum always said if you dont have a job get out there 7 days and make it a job to get a job. I feel like i am drowning.

I havnt been taken out anywhere, not been sightseeing i am just heavy with all this. I understand that marriage is for better or worse richer poorer, but i feel i am being used and taken advantage of. I have spent every penny i have sorting everything out. Even the money my family gave me for a wedding gift has gone on is car and food. I feel so sad its like ths and i am not sure what to do.

I just need some constructive advice. I think i know my answer but just needed to put my feelings out there to see if anyone else went through this themselves.

[Desperada 0]

what part of NJ are you in, I was just there for a month at my sister in laws one bedroom apartment, she is my co-sponsor. She works two jobs, which she might as well since she is single. she is offering to take my family of five to her place if my husband gets the visa. we come from canada where we are used to mountains and the beach. I am not as independent as you. Its hard to find a job. My husbands industry has been tough here in canada, but i'm worried he will also just have contracts in the states. Well, I don't want to be forced to live with his sis in law. I would like to move their on our own terms. Our relationship is tough as well. I'm so confused about it.

what are the rules around moving to the states. once the immigrant gets the visa?

[Christi and Ian 24]

I just wanted to add my 2 cents here. I don't think you're feeling entitled at all, for goodness sake, you gave up everything you had to move to a different country...I'd say that was a huge sacrifice.

I've been in a similar boat before, with an ex, who sat around for months, while I went to work to support us, claiming that by posting his resume online he had job hunted that day. I ended up resenting every moment with him.

My first question to my now husband was, "Do you have a job? Not to support me, mind you, but so that you can support yourself."

I think you have been given some great advice, look for a support group in your area. You're going to have to think hard about divorcing your husband...is it too late to recover those feelings you had for him? Has resentment settled in? If so, you're better off ripping that bandaid off quickly. Do you still love him? Perhaps he needs to know that he's pushed you to the point of no return....try approaching him with a calm, matter of fact demeanor, so that he knows you're serious, but not attacking him. Mthe prospect of losing you, could light a fire under his #######.