want a divorce

[Que Saudade 284]

This comment of your shows what is wrong with the system.

Do you know the specifics of the law and requirements that causes one to loose ability to get/renew a passport due to late payments on child support?

Before you judge, you probably should educate yourself a little bit. You might be suprised.

Oddly I do. What part of my statement was judgemental? Based on what was said, I commented. I am very well aware of the law as I paid child support for years and made sure that I paid them on time, because I DID know the law and knew the legal ramifications, not to mention being a dead-beat dad. I also knew that when I was petitioning for my now wife, that we were going to be strapped financially as this process is not cheap. I never would have put my daughter in jeopardy by not paying child support while I was shelling out money on a visa process. If this is judgemental, then I am guilty as I can be. Responsibility sucks doesn't it? I was pointing out that the OP mentioned the arrearages, which obviously did not happen within the "last 3 weeks", or for that fact, the last 3 months. Logic prevails that the OP's spouse already was in a deep financial conundrum. Nothing more, nothing less. How can one expect such financial bliss already knowing about child support arrearages that were not cleared up? They do not just instantly appear. And BTW, there were some very obvious judgemental statements, but you failed to point those out, so I am wondering why you took mine so personal?

Edited June 23, 2012 by John & Mari

[sspirit 18]

thank you everyone for your great and not so great advice. Yes i love him but i believe that love is an action, his actions are not that of love..Being with someone who barely talks to you and attemps to leave everytime you ask about work is not a pleasant situation. Love cant buy your food at the end of the week. Yes it was a huge sacrifice where i had to leave my daughter, I told her it would only be another 7 months and she could come see me, and being lied to about her visa application was a huge punch in the guts, i dont know when i will be able to afford to apply for her visa now, using all my money i am now unable to afford to go see her or my sick father.....

I have always earned more than my husband and paid for every part of my visa and the initial application for my daughter (who knows where the money went). I paid for all my own trips to the US. I am not a whining woman who feels entitled and no one living up to my expectations. I had these expectations because i was told a completely different story. Being lied to broke a trust that i need to find again. The reason i had a 10 year GC was because i worked hard on my relationship over the past 4 years and jumped through all the right hoops to get it. It wasnt handed to me on a silver platter by any means. He was unable to come to the UK to live because he had no passport because of child arears, which i found out after we married. I have been extremely gentle with him in his search for employment as well as everything else. The job i have at the moment just about covers the rent, bills and food, there is no room for anything else...

I understand the importance of marriage my own parents have just celebrated 50 years together. They taught me by example. I am not here for a free ride from some rich american, i am a stable, independant woman. I understand alot of things because i have not always been that way. I have been in worst situations than this believe me. My intuition is not right with the situation and i am trusting it.

The resentment has set in and it feels bad and its not because i am a spoilt brat.. I forgot to mention i had found a mney order an australian woman has sent him just after i married him. A woman he had been talking to online. It was for only 600$. I asked him what it was he said a present!! I accepted it because i trusted him. Turned out they had been talking for years ......... So who knows ........................................

I have my boundries and healthy expectations of things. I am not a doormat for anyone... I am prepared to give it another 6 months and see how it goes. After that i will make another decision.

One thing i know for sure we all have a choice in life....... when we let others take away our choices we give them power. The only person i can change is myself. I know that, so i try to change myself in order to grow and blossom in life. In a marriage it is 2 halves each independant. I dont buy into co dependancy or power struggles, we each have a right to be...... when a person is taking away and expecting someone else to do all the work, they dont have that persons best interests at heart.

so thank you everyone who made comments today i appreciate your advice and opinions. It was the first time i let out my resentment. And i feel alot clearer now, i remembered i have a choice ))))

[Que Saudade 284]

Good luck sspirit. I wish you the happiness you deserve, whereever that lies. Best wishes to you. You appear to have a grip on things!

[sspirit 18]

thanks john and marie ..... wish you both every success in life x x x

[TiklingGuy 211]

The OP's post just stikes me the wrong way. What you are going through is what Men go through every day taking care of their wives and children all throughout history. In this day and age woman want to be considered equal, which i agree with. What you are saying OP is that you want him to go out and be the Primary bread winner so you won't have to stress about everything. Woman like that piss me off. Yah he needs to step up and bring to the table what you are bringing. But to talk about divorcing him because he's not making any money and he hasn't taken you site seeing? Not buying your argument.

[DandT14 272]

The resentment has set in and it feels bad and its not because i am a spoilt brat.. I forgot to mention i had found a mney order an australian woman has sent him just after i married him. A woman he had been talking to online. It was for only 600$. I asked him what it was he said a present!! I accepted it because i trusted him. Turned out they had been talking for years ......... So who knows ........................................

uh....

Did you meet your husband online? Did he ever ask you, directly or indirectly, to help him out financially before you lived with him?

I think people are way too quick here to tell women that they are being mistreated and that they should get out. But if everything you've said is true, I'm not sure what you're sticking around for. Love? Fear? What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

uh....

Did you meet your husband online? Did he ever ask you, directly or indirectly, to help him out financially before you lived with him?

I think people are way too quick here to tell women that they are being mistreated and that they should get out. But if everything you've said is true, I'm not sure what you're sticking around for. Love? Fear? What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

Spot on. Leave him, divorce him, burn him at the stake is much too common on VJ.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Oddly I do. What part of my statement was judgemental? Based on what was said, I commented. I am very well aware of the law as I paid child support for years and made sure that I paid them on time, because I DID know the law and knew the legal ramifications, not to mention being a dead-beat dad. I also knew that when I was petitioning for my now wife, that we were going to be strapped financially as this process is not cheap. I never would have put my daughter in jeopardy by not paying child support while I was shelling out money on a visa process. If this is judgemental, then I am guilty as I can be. Responsibility sucks doesn't it? I was pointing out that the OP mentioned the arrearages, which obviously did not happen within the "last 3 weeks", or for that fact, the last 3 months. Logic prevails that the OP's spouse already was in a deep financial conundrum. Nothing more, nothing less. How can one expect such financial bliss already knowing about child support arrearages that were not cleared up? They do not just instantly appear. And BTW, there were some very obvious judgemental statements, but you failed to point those out, so I am wondering why you took mine so personal?

I lost count of how many "I" that you used.

You helped me prove my point because we still don't understand what caused the OPs Husband to fall behind on his obligations. In your rush to get on top of your soap box I think you missed the part where the OP stated that she paid for the immigration process.

Good for you and your kids that you're an awesome financial wizard but we don't know the liabilities that OPs Husband faced.

[Laser1 63]

To the OP, I recommend the book "What Color Is Your Parachute?" The approach of submitting resumes and waiting for interviews can be pretty daunting and ineffective; he probably needs to try another approach.

[Que Saudade 284]

I lost count of how many "I" that you used.

You helped me prove my point because we still don't understand what caused the OPs Husband to fall behind on his obligations. In your rush to get on top of your soap box I think you missed the part where the OP stated that she paid for the immigration process.

Good for you and your kids that you're an awesome financial wizard but we don't know the liabilities that OPs Husband faced.

Gowon,

Come out from your facade and reveal yourself. You do not post a timeline (that would benefit others). You have no information regarding what part of the immigration process you are going through. You anonymously go around making malicious, sarcastic comments mostly aimed at other peoples post rather than offering insight to the OP. Should you want to respond to me, please do so outside of another person's post, as I will do the same from this point forward.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Gowon,

Come out from your facade and reveal yourself. You do not post a timeline (that would benefit others). You have no information regarding what part of the immigration process you are going through. You anonymously go around making malicious, sarcastic comments mostly aimed at other peoples post rather than offering insight to the OP. Should you want to respond to me, please do so outside of another person's post, as I will do the same from this point forward.

Thank you.

Oh I forgot, have a nice weekend.

[Christi and Ian 24]

That's part of the problem with this whole process. Marrying someone who lives 5000 miles away makes it easy for secrets to be kept...I don't know how extensively you knew his financial situation when you decided to get married. I was lucky enough that Ian could come over twice a year for 90 days at a time, and we were open with our finances...that can be really difficult to do, particularly when they're not good. I make over twice as much as my husband, but I knew that going in and knew I would be the primary breadwinner.

But money problems are the primary cause for divorce, for good reason. No matter how much you love someone, you simply cannot live too long feeling insecure when your partner just refuses to talk about it or work to find a remedy (I'm assuming this is the case).

So it's time to evaluate whether this can be fixed or whether it's time to cut your losses. Personally, not being able to bring my daughter over would have been a deal breaker. I hope he is able to find a job, and the two of you can find that spark that you had when you got married, but if not...don't keep digging the hole..

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

That's part of the problem with this whole process. Marrying someone who lives 5000 miles away makes it easy for secrets to be kept...I don't know how extensively you knew his financial situation when you decided to get married. I was lucky enough that Ian could come over twice a year for 90 days at a time, and we were open with our finances...that can be really difficult to do, particularly when they're not good. I make over twice as much as my husband, but I knew that going in and knew I would be the primary breadwinner.

But money problems are the primary cause for divorce, for good reason. No matter how much you love someone, you simply cannot live too long feeling insecure when your partner just refuses to talk about it or work to find a remedy (I'm assuming this is the case).

So it's time to evaluate whether this can be fixed or whether it's time to cut your losses. Personally, not being able to bring my daughter over would have been a deal breaker. I hope he is able to find a job, and the two of you can find that spark that you had when you got married, but if not...don't keep digging the hole..

Excellent point.

This is why I envy petitioners from VWP countries that can pop in and spend sometime with their intended.

[Sandra G. 5,047]

sspirit we are our choices, build yourself a great story. I wish you the best.