want a divorce

[sspirit 18]

hi guys

i have such a huge dillema ..... I came to the US to be with my husband who had promised me so many things. When i got here the first week was great. Then i asked him about the deposit for our apartment. He didnt have any money. I had my salary from my job in the UK which was enough for an apartment. We were denied because his cedit history is bad. I then had to live with his family on a matress on the floor. He became physically ill for 3 weeks and i had to look after him.

I took up a job which was alot less than i am qualified to do to get some money. I managed to save up some and got an apartment under my name. I am still working trying to work on my driving as i dont have a licience yet so getting around would be difficult. It has been 3 months now he has had no money, i have paid to get his car fixed along with insurance, i bought all the food, gas, cigarettes furniture for the apartment. He has literally NO money. I am so stressed out. I feel that i have been lied to and cheated out of my new life. He also said that he had sent my daughters visa off but no sign of i at the NVC.

I made a choice to come here and i left so much behind. I intend to stay here and work out my life as i have nothing to go back to in the UK. I just feel so let down, disappointed and frustrated. Everytime i ask about him working it turns into a full scale argument, and then him blaming me for being impatient or that i am seeing someone else.... I get a bunch of excuses and then it goes back to me carrying around a whole load of bad feelings towards him. Feelings that make me feel awful inside. I try to wake up and accept the situation but its getting harder. I am usually a happy bubbly person and i am starting to feel depressed now. He said he is really trying but i dont see it to be honest. My old mum always said if you dont have a job get out there 7 days and make it a job to get a job. I feel like i am drowning.

I havnt been taken out anywhere, not been sightseeing i am just heavy with all this. I understand that marriage is for better or worse richer poorer, but i feel i am being used and taken advantage of. I have spent every penny i have sorting everything out. Even the money my family gave me for a wedding gift has gone on is car and food. I feel so sad its like ths and i am not sure what to do.

I just need some constructive advice. I think i know my answer but just needed to put my feelings out there to see if anyone else went through this themselves.

[bigdog 376]

Sounds like he needs to get his act together and quickly. How lucky any one would have been to get a wife who has done what you did. Sounds like you can support yourself, why support him? Two should be stronger than one not visa versa. If you are done, divorce and move on. Either stay in US or go home not anyone's decisions except yours. If you have made your self clear get a plan and stick to it. I did not look where you live but their are groups who will assist you in USA. I would say it seems you are in an abusive relationship.

[AmericanCBB 0]

First, I'm really sorry you are having to go throuhg this. I don't know where you are so domestic laws vary. You have two good things going on. You are working and you have an apartment which is under your name. So should anything like a divorce or separation happen you wont find yourself in a strange country with no place to go. It sounds like you are lonely and hopefully through work you will begin to make a few friends. Also since you rented the apartment and you said that they ran your husbands credit you obviously have a social security card so are at least a temporary resident for 2 years? I don't know what your wanting to do. Stay with him or divorce. I'm sure you are concerned about your immigration and not knowing all the details it's hard to speculate. But I would suggest you make an appointment with infopass and go in and talk to a USCIS agent. It's quite possible that you can get a divorce and continue with your immigration.

hi guys

i have such a huge dillema ..... I came to the US to be with my husband who had promised me so many things. When i got here the first week was great. Then i asked him about the deposit for our apartment. He didnt have any money. I had my salary from my job in the UK which was enough for an apartment. We were denied because his cedit history is bad. I then had to live with his family on a matress on the floor. He became physically ill for 3 weeks and i had to look after him.

I took up a job which was alot less than i am qualified to do to get some money. I managed to save up some and got an apartment under my name. I am still working trying to work on my driving as i dont have a licience yet so getting around would be difficult. It has been 3 months now he has had no money, i have paid to get his car fixed along with insurance, i bought all the food, gas, cigarettes furniture for the apartment. He has literally NO money. I am so stressed out. I feel that i have been lied to and cheated out of my new life. He also said that he had sent my daughters visa off but no sign of i at the NVC.

I made a choice to come here and i left so much behind. I intend to stay here and work out my life as i have nothing to go back to in the UK. I just feel so let down, disappointed and frustrated. Everytime i ask about him working it turns into a full scale argument, and then him blaming me for being impatient or that i am seeing someone else.... I get a bunch of excuses and then it goes back to me carrying around a whole load of bad feelings towards him. Feelings that make me feel awful inside. I try to wake up and accept the situation but its getting harder. I am usually a happy bubbly person and i am starting to feel depressed now. He said he is really trying but i dont see it to be honest. My old mum always said if you dont have a job get out there 7 days and make it a job to get a job. I feel like i am drowning.

I havnt been taken out anywhere, not been sightseeing i am just heavy with all this. I understand that marriage is for better or worse richer poorer, but i feel i am being used and taken advantage of. I have spent every penny i have sorting everything out. Even the money my family gave me for a wedding gift has gone on is car and food. I feel so sad its like ths and i am not sure what to do.

I just need some constructive advice. I think i know my answer but just needed to put my feelings out there to see if anyone else went through this themselves.

[JohnR! 5,495]

I am sorry you find yourself in such a situation. The only thing I feel I can say constructively is that you need to think of your kids. If your husband has not applied for their visas maybe you need to cut your loses, divorce him and go back home, lest you may find yourself separated from them, with no reunion in sight.

Marriage is for better or worse, but it's also a two-way street. At some point you need to ponder and decide whether he is taking advantage of you.

Good luck whatever your course of action.

[sspirit 18]

hi guys thanks for getting back to me. I have a 10 year visa i dont need to adjust my status. I have everything under my name with the apartment and bills. My daughter is living on Campus at University and looking forward to coming here when she is finished. I can see a life here. I gave up everything in the UK, i really have nothing if i go back. Where as here i have an apartment and a job and stuff, yes i can look after myself i brought my daughter up on my own and worked hard. I was finding it hard thinking am i just being really mean to this man or are my feelings of resentment valid. I know they are valid now, i am not responsible for anyone else apart from me and my daughter.

[JohnR! 5,495]

hi guys thanks for getting back to me. I have a 10 year visa i dont need to adjust my status. I have everything under my name with the apartment and bills. My daughter is living on Campus at University and looking forward to coming here when she is finished. I can see a life here. I gave up everything in the UK, i really have nothing if i go back. Where as here i have an apartment and a job and stuff, yes i can look after myself i brought my daughter up on my own and worked hard. I was finding it hard thinking am i just being really mean to this man or are my feelings of resentment valid. I know they are valid now, i am not responsible for anyone else apart from me and my daughter.

I understand you mean you have your permanent green card. In that case, divorcing your husband would not have an impact on your status.

Sometimes you try to help someone and empower them only to end up enabling them.

The truth is that only you know precisely what your circumstances are, so listen to your heart and mind and more importantly to your conscience.

Presuming you have insurance trough your work, consider talking to a family counselor. They oftentimes can help you put things in perspective and look at the entire situation in a more objective way.

Edited June 22, 2012 by Gegel

[Nina~ 431]

hi guys thanks for getting back to me. I have a 10 year visa i dont need to adjust my status. I have everything under my name with the apartment and bills. My daughter is living on Campus at University and looking forward to coming here when she is finished. I can see a life here. I gave up everything in the UK, i really have nothing if i go back. Where as here i have an apartment and a job and stuff, yes i can look after myself i brought my daughter up on my own and worked hard. I was finding it hard thinking am i just being really mean to this man or are my feelings of resentment valid. I know they are valid now, i am not responsible for anyone else apart from me and my daughter.

By 10 yr visa, do you mean a 10 yr visit visa or a Greencard valid for 10 years?

[sspirit 18]

hi nina

i have a ten year green card ..... i have my ssn as well x x x

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

hi guys

i have such a huge dillema ..... I came to the US to be with my husband who had promised me so many things. When i got here the first week was great. Then i asked him about the deposit for our apartment. He didnt have any money. I had my salary from my job in the UK which was enough for an apartment. We were denied because his cedit history is bad. I then had to live with his family on a matress on the floor. He became physically ill for 3 weeks and i had to look after him.

I took up a job which was alot less than i am qualified to do to get some money. I managed to save up some and got an apartment under my name. I am still working trying to work on my driving as i dont have a licience yet so getting around would be difficult. It has been 3 months now he has had no money, i have paid to get his car fixed along with insurance, i bought all the food, gas, cigarettes furniture for the apartment. He has literally NO money. I am so stressed out. I feel that i have been lied to and cheated out of my new life. He also said that he had sent my daughters visa off but no sign of i at the NVC.

I made a choice to come here and i left so much behind. I intend to stay here and work out my life as i have nothing to go back to in the UK. I just feel so let down, disappointed and frustrated. Everytime i ask about him working it turns into a full scale argument, and then him blaming me for being impatient or that i am seeing someone else.... I get a bunch of excuses and then it goes back to me carrying around a whole load of bad feelings towards him. Feelings that make me feel awful inside. I try to wake up and accept the situation but its getting harder. I am usually a happy bubbly person and i am starting to feel depressed now. He said he is really trying but i dont see it to be honest. My old mum always said if you dont have a job get out there 7 days and make it a job to get a job. I feel like i am drowning.

I havnt been taken out anywhere, not been sightseeing i am just heavy with all this. I understand that marriage is for better or worse richer poorer, but i feel i am being used and taken advantage of. I have spent every penny i have sorting everything out. Even the money my family gave me for a wedding gift has gone on is car and food. I feel so sad its like ths and i am not sure what to do.

I just need some constructive advice. I think i know my answer but just needed to put my feelings out there to see if anyone else went through this themselves.

Did you visit him during your courtship?

Sounds like he needs to get his act together and quickly. How lucky any one would have been to get a wife who has done what you did. Sounds like you can support yourself, why support him? Two should be stronger than one not visa versa. If you are done, divorce and move on. Either stay in US or go home not anyone's decisions except yours. If you have made your self clear get a plan and stick to it. I did not look where you live but their are groups who will assist you in USA. I would say it seems you are in an abusive relationship.

Because he doesn't have money adn perhaps he is depressed? I think your statement is a disservice to those unfrotunate folks who are in real abusive relationships. It seems that the cutsie things nowadays on VJ is to throw the a word around on threads.

hi guys thanks for getting back to me. I have a 10 year visa i dont need to adjust my status. I have everything under my name with the apartment and bills. My daughter is living on Campus at University and looking forward to coming here when she is finished. I can see a life here. I gave up everything in the UK, i really have nothing if i go back. Where as here i have an apartment and a job and stuff, yes i can look after myself i brought my daughter up on my own and worked hard. I was finding it hard thinking am i just being really mean to this man or are my feelings of resentment valid. I know they are valid now, i am not responsible for anyone else apart from me and my daughter.

Madam, you're not from Gambia, you do have something to go back to if you so wish. You have your Daughter and you can quickly set up again in the UK.

Additionally, you validated your feelings by a one sided conversation on an internet forum. I think he deserves better and you should probably see a maarraige counsellor. Some folks have recovered from worse.

Good luck.

[sspirit 18]

thank you for your comments Gowon......

yes i visited in the courtship, about 6 times. He couldnt get a passport because of child support arrears.... whenever i came he managed to get some money together through working.

as far as abusive relationships go there are many form of subtle abuse, emotional, financial, mental, physical. I worked in that firld for a long time and understand the subtleness of these behaviours. And i do not feel it is abuse.

As far as not coming from Gambia is concerened, ( i think that is a very ivalid judgement based on your stereotypical view that everyone in Gambia has nothing) yes i could go home and start things up again, but if you were in my shoes spent 4 years planning a change of life for yourself, gave up your career, apartment, etc. What would you do, run off at the first sign of trouble. I did not make any valiadation on my relationship based on an answer on a website. I got identification on an issue that has been troubling me for the past 2 months. As far a marriage counselling goes, I have already been in therapy and dealt with alot of issues a few years ago. My issue here is about an unacceptable situation put on me by another human being. I have to make a choice if i want to stay and work t out. I do not run from my problems i try and find solutions, which is why i came on here because everyone on here has experience of relationships good and bad.

And to be perfectly honest with you, i think i deserved alot better than what is happening to me. I am no victim of life i am a strong, independant human being who has entered into a bad situation, my bad judgement ...... we all make mistakes but it doesnt mean we have to put up with other peoples bad behaviour out of a sense of guilt. If i make mistakes i am the first one to stand up and be honest about it.........

Sorry for rambling x x x

[Anh map 2,098]

If you've decided to divorce, then contact a family law attorney and begin. You've got a valid green card, so no immigration worries.

[Cathi 5,748]

thank you for your comments Gowon......

yes i visited in the courtship, about 6 times. He couldnt get a passport because of child support arrears.... whenever i came he managed to get some money together through working.

as far as abusive relationships go there are many form of subtle abuse, emotional, financial, mental, physical. I worked in that firld for a long time and understand the subtleness of these behaviours. And i do not feel it is abuse.

As far as not coming from Gambia is concerened, ( i think that is a very ivalid judgement based on your stereotypical view that everyone in Gambia has nothing) yes i could go home and start things up again, but if you were in my shoes spent 4 years planning a change of life for yourself, gave up your career, apartment, etc. What would you do, run off at the first sign of trouble. I did not make any valiadation on my relationship based on an answer on a website. I got identification on an issue that has been troubling me for the past 2 months. As far a marriage counselling goes, I have already been in therapy and dealt with alot of issues a few years ago. My issue here is about an unacceptable situation put on me by another human being. I have to make a choice if i want to stay and work t out. I do not run from my problems i try and find solutions, which is why i came on here because everyone on here has experience of relationships good and bad.

And to be perfectly honest with you, i think i deserved alot better than what is happening to me. I am no victim of life i am a strong, independant human being who has entered into a bad situation, my bad judgement ...... we all make mistakes but it doesnt mean we have to put up with other peoples bad behaviour out of a sense of guilt. If i make mistakes i am the first one to stand up and be honest about it.........

Sorry for rambling x x x

Follow what is in your heart. You are obviously an intelligent woman and you need to do what is best for you and your daughter. I was in a 20 year marriage with someone very similar, he always had an excuse for everything bad that happened, when what it all came down to is that he was a lazy thief and liar.. Unfortunately I wasted 20 years of my life trying to do what i thought was the right thing, and stayed in the marriage for my children. I ended up losing a business and home to foreclosure because he thought it was more important to hang out with his friends as opposed to taking care of his children his business and myself. I worked during this time but it just wasn't enough to sustain everything. Finally I had enough(yup i know 20 years was too long). Now I am married to a polar opposite and I'm happier than I have been in my entire life. I wish you the very best, and if your decide to leave at least you know you tried your best to make it work and you can move on....

Edited June 22, 2012 by mimolicious

[DandT14 272]

I'm a little confused. How long have you been married?

You say it's been three months and he has no money. I don't think three months is a very long time to try to work through something with a person you love.

Although, you mentioned that he couldn't get a visa because of back child support he owes? Didn't that suggest to you that he might fall into the "deadbeat" category?

So, is he a wonderful person that you're in love with, who's just going through a bad patch? Or, is he a lazy deadbeat who is taking advantage of you and won't ever change?

If the first, you owe it to him and your marriage to try to get through this. If the second, cut your losses and file for divorce. It's not that expensive. I did mine attorney-free.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

thank you for your comments Gowon......

Sorry for rambling x x x

No worries, and you can ramble, which you didn't. Sometimes when you talk/type stuff out they help.

Best of luck.

PS: You took my Gambia comment out of context, but that is okay too as I think you understood what I meant.

Edited June 22, 2012 by Gowon

[sspirit 18]

no worries Gowon .... sorry for taking it out of context looool x x x believe me it is helping having everyones comments thanks for your contribution .... x x x