Unbelievable Mother in Law

[X Factor 1,112]

[COCOMEI 0]

110% AGREE!

Cocomei: I do not want to come down on you, but do have some questions and opinions: How long did you know each other before you started your K1 process? You said you met in person twice but how long had you been communicating and getting to know each other before you decided on the route?

I know my hubby and I are not typical in as long as we waited but I had 3 kids and he had 2 kids that we needed to financially support while saving up money for him to fly here to the U.S. and me to fly to the U.K. We "dated" online, via phone, and via web cam for 7 months prior to meeting in person. In this length of time we knew everything about each other and both were 100% honest with each other.

First, your husband was not honest with you and there was no reason not to be. And NO, it is not okay. He absolutely sounds like a momma's boy and that is a huge worry at his age. His mother is horrible for treating to you that way she has and your husband should not put up with it . . . if he is a man!

Second, are you IN LOVE with your husband? Not do you love him. This is a huge difference. Is he IN LOVE with you? You don't need to screw up your life for someone not 100% comitted to you. Yes, he may have been the one to pursue you, but it might have been because he wanted to get married "for show" and figured it was easier to try a "mail order bride" though I am not saying at all that you meant to be that person. And don't worry what your parents might think if the relationship does not work out - they would be much happier having you back home if you are miserable in the U.S. with THIS man.

Cocomei - I really and truly wish you well and feel bad for you. You must make a decision on YOUR happiness!!!!

Thanks for your advice, it really helps me a lot.

[COCOMEI 0]

Your husband goes to work every day, yes? Ask him to take you with him, but drop you off at the biggest University there, every day.

Once there, get into the Job Counselling Office, speak with a member of staff, and go find a job.

Having a job will shut the mother up on most of her points - and IMO - that's really what you want to do - to shut her up.

It's not enough to give her home-baked exlax-imbued chocolate brownies - you must get out there, and get a job .

Then, when you have a job (rather a few months later) - YOU sit down with the mother-in-law, without the husband,

and YOU go over your CV, from Day 1 of working (back in the PI) to current,

and ask her - just why do you run your big mouth? Your son married me to be happy, not to have YOU harp on and on.

That's a good idea, I got an offer already, I will let her know the happniess should built upone respcet in a family.

[COCOMEI 0]

I feel better when I read all of those advices, life is hard, to make a right decision is more harder.

[Darnell 8,479]

stay strong, girl - there's always a chance to build a strong marriage, but it needs both of you, being diligent with securing the safety and sanctity of your marriage.

That's a two person job, btw. Anyone outside of your marriage should really not get any consideration. I'm hard about that, but that's just me.

[Stuart and Thea 95]

Oh, goodness, imagine growing up with a mother who you were never good enough for... No wonder her poor son hasn't been able to get out from under her thumb, he's completely codependent now, and she likes that and wants to keep him exactly as she has him. Not only do you need to get out, he needs to get out!

I want to add something to the advice you've been given here: Open up another account at your bank, a not joint one. Put the bulk of YOUR money in it, and then tell your husband that you have contributed x amount of dollars to your joint account and wish him to do the same. A joint account should be used for joint purchases, so decide what things you wish to use it for. Also, to get over the hurdle of the two of you making different amounts of money and how much to put in, you can figure out a balance, or better yet, decide between you how much you need each month for single purchases, and put ALL of your earnings into the joint account except for your allowances. This would mean starting now. Luckily, you'll have some personal savings to use for your current personal expenses, and he has all his money in an account, but the rest should be put in your joint account that is only used for joint purchases. (he won't like that until you're working, so be lenient and let him choose which way to go with it, but at least if you're both contributing, it's a bonus, and you'll feel less resentful that he has access to your money and you don't to his.)

If you can't work, then go to school. Your english is good, but it's not perfect, and it's hard to get a job... but be open as well to the kinds of work you can do! When I see foreign born doctors in Toronto working as taxi cab drivers, I think to myself, if it's not below them, it's not below me. I recently met someone who was an engineer in Romania working in a laundry now. But guess what? It's a job.

So, what will you do with all the money you're going to put into the joint bank account when it's more than what your expenses are? Move to your OWN place with your husband, that's what! I'd bring that one up with him now if you haven't already, I'm sure he wants to, I mean, he didn't tell you he lived with her for a reason, right? Expect it to be hard for him... but in the meantime, take over ALL of his mother's mothering duties. Ideally, you'd give it to him to do for himself, but a grown man should not have his mother doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning etc... So even if you have to do it FOR him, for now.... just make sure it's not HER doing it anymore, except the food thing once in a while, everyone visits mom and gets a meal when they do once in a while.

But if you two are not in love, then consider just moving back home... this stuff only ever works out when both people love each other. Don't let Mom come between you!