Unbelievable Mother in Law

[COCOMEI 0]

Before I married to my husband, he told me his mother was a teacher assistant, so in my mind she should be a polite and respectable person, once I married to my husband, I learned that she was a nanny to other families, my husband lied to me about his mother's job, but I don't really care, as long as she is a good person, but things just go wrong, I quit my job in my country when I moved here, I was a office manager in a 500 fortune companies, I support myself and left family since 18, my husband is 19 years old than me, but his mother said because I didn't have job so I was lazy and it's genetic from my family, both of my parents are government officer, I was so supprised his mother doesn't know anything about me, when we were living together, his mother told my husband I cost his fortune to buy food, and clothes, since I moved US I lost weight 10 pounds in 2 weeks, every time my husband asked me what I ate, I haven't answered, his mother said I have good enough food, and I lost my weight because I got sick,I didn't spent any money on clothes in 6 months,his mother is not satified everything I did, even I made dinner for my husband, she said it's not good enough for his son, my husband is 51 years old, he never left his mom and he listens everything what his mom told him, before we got married, he said we would have honeymoon in hawaii, but his mother's honeymoon was in a forest, so he said maybe I want to see big tree, he didn't even discuss with me, when I move here, my husband opened a bank account for me, so I have transferred some money here, now my money under both of our names, but his money is still in his own name,he visited his mother every morning and evening from work, but when I talk with my parents online biweekly, he said I spent too much time online, and he told his mother about this, so his mother even said I'm spoil person, I should not get everything that I want, for me, I just want a husband to love me, and have our own space to live, but it's a really weird relationship in a family,how can I survive in a three persons marriage....

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Here's my standard response to stuff like this, this is your life, the only one you will get, spend that close ended timeline the way YOU want.

Secondly, you can't be doing the same thing and expect different results. So, you need to have speaks with your Husband on unacceptables and must haves.

In my opinion this should exclude your MIL but include her vigorously in the unacceptable section.

Good luck.

[Tim/Mav 305]

Endless and will not end until your husband agrees and Mom is put in her rightful spot. Which means: Stay out of it... ENDLESS... You appear to have been a Victim of Overcontrol.. There is no room for this when the returns are Negative no matter what you do. I see your post indicates they want something Perfect. That will never happen.

Nothing is Perfect! When your husband works against you work against eachother. With a Mother that interfears and he bows to his Mothers requests and shows reverence upon you, you can't win.

Someone has to lay-down the Law. That would be YOU. Talk to the Mother and Your husband. That is a hard thing to do. BUT, Divorce is HARDER..

[Teddy B 17,252]

I'm kinda torn here. On one hand I feel badly that you are going through this and I hope you can figure out a way to make it work.

On the other hand, I'm wondering why you left what you described as a decent life in your home country to be with a 51 year old man that has never been away from his Mother? Surely alot of the signs of what you have described were there before you made this life change, yes?

[Harsh_77 718]

If your husband is 51 years old and cannot make his own decisions there is nothing anything or anyone can do to make him change at this age.

I don't know how long you knew your husband or what all you knew about him but to me all these kinda things have to be discovered before you say "yes"

[COCOMEI 0]

Thanks for understanding, it's hard for me to tolerant the current life, I met my husband online and I only visited him in US once before we got married, he visited me twice, we spent one week of each meeting, for the rest of time we communicated by email, from his description, he has a good job, has his own house, and live on his own, so there is no difference to marry a foreigner or native country man, in my 30's, happenly he was the one to persuit me, but if I knew this is the life that I would suffer, I would say NO of course, even now, I never said anything to my parents, because I don't want them to feel bad to me since I choose my life to leave my country and marry to the one that I thought is my Mr. right, I doubt to myself now, if this is the right decision, or should I leave him now, as I agree with that if this is his family backgroud and his way to grow up, there is no way to change in future, its so sad to both of us.

[amyandjorge 76]

Tell your husband that you are the woman in his life now. period. If he says no or pushes back, then you have to decide if you want to be number 2 for the rest of your relationship. Don't worry about whether or not marriage and immigration was the right choice, worry about learning from your decisions.

This is his first marriage? Oddly enough, my mother dated a man with this problem (they didn't make it to marriage because of his mother). He ended up marrying a South American girl, brought her here, and it didn't work out either...

Also, kinda odd that he lied to you about his mother's job... lying is a major dealbreaker for me.

[COCOMEI 0]

Thank you for all your advices, and I want to ask him to change my last name first, so far, I got my 2-year green card, and SSC, so is any advice for how to change my last name to my husband's name, because all of other document we applied before are under my original name, thanks.

[rlogan 2,036]

This guy lied to you about who he was and what his life was like. Although you said it doesn't matter that he lied about what his mother did for work, actually it matters a great deal. All of the lies matter. You married a liar, and he's made you miserable. That's what the rest of your life is going to be like if you stay with him.

[GandK 168]

Sounds like instead of a husband, you got yourself a teenage boy. Your husband needs to grow some backbone.

[issha2lynden 77]

This is who I am to my husband. A wife, a priority, his best friend, a partner, his confidante, his play mate..I am Special. These should be who you are to him. The rest of his family like sister, mother in law, and the rest must fall in line. How I feel and what I think matters. I am the woman he rightfully married, I am the called "his better-half" so I must come FIRST, period.

The moral of your story, know the person first before getting married. What are you gonna do now? I am not a marriage councilor and never one of here is eloquent enough to give you a healthy sound advice. Talk to people that knows both of you. A pastor, a friend, see a councilor.

FYI: Divorce is not an option for me unless the other commits adultery, but that's me. God bless you with wisdom and peace.

[Shari 6]

This guy lied to you about who he was and what his life was like. Although you said it doesn't matter that he lied about what his mother did for work, actually it matters a great deal. All of the lies matter. You married a liar, and he's made you miserable. That's what the rest of your life is going to be like if you stay with him.

110% AGREE!

Cocomei: I do not want to come down on you, but do have some questions and opinions: How long did you know each other before you started your K1 process? You said you met in person twice but how long had you been communicating and getting to know each other before you decided on the route?

I know my hubby and I are not typical in as long as we waited but I had 3 kids and he had 2 kids that we needed to financially support while saving up money for him to fly here to the U.S. and me to fly to the U.K. We "dated" online, via phone, and via web cam for 7 months prior to meeting in person. In this length of time we knew everything about each other and both were 100% honest with each other.

First, your husband was not honest with you and there was no reason not to be. And NO, it is not okay. He absolutely sounds like a momma's boy and that is a huge worry at his age. His mother is horrible for treating to you that way she has and your husband should not put up with it . . . if he is a man!

Second, are you IN LOVE with your husband? Not do you love him. This is a huge difference. Is he IN LOVE with you? You don't need to screw up your life for someone not 100% comitted to you. Yes, he may have been the one to pursue you, but it might have been because he wanted to get married "for show" and figured it was easier to try a "mail order bride" though I am not saying at all that you meant to be that person. And don't worry what your parents might think if the relationship does not work out - they would be much happier having you back home if you are miserable in the U.S. with THIS man.

Cocomei - I really and truly wish you well and feel bad for you. You must make a decision on YOUR happiness!!!!

[Darnell 8,479]

Before I married to my husband, he told me his mother was a teacher assistant, so in my mind she should be a polite and respectable person, once I married to my husband, I learned that she was a nanny to other families, my husband lied to me about his mother's job, but I don't really care, as long as she is a good person, but things just go wrong, I quit my job in my country when I moved here, I was a office manager in a 500 fortune companies, I support myself and left family since 18, my husband is 19 years old than me, but his mother said because I didn't have job so I was lazy and it's genetic from my family, both of my parents are government officer, I was so supprised his mother doesn't know anything about me, when we were living together, his mother told my husband I cost his fortune to buy food, and clothes, since I moved US I lost weight 10 pounds in 2 weeks, every time my husband asked me what I ate, I haven't answered, his mother said I have good enough food, and I lost my weight because I got sick,I didn't spent any money on clothes in 6 months,his mother is not satified everything I did, even I made dinner for my husband, she said it's not good enough for his son, my husband is 51 years old, he never left his mom and he listens everything what his mom told him, before we got married, he said we would have honeymoon in hawaii, but his mother's honeymoon was in a forest, so he said maybe I want to see big tree, he didn't even discuss with me, when I move here, my husband opened a bank account for me, so I have transferred some money here, now my money under both of our names, but his money is still in his own name,he visited his mother every morning and evening from work, but when I talk with my parents online biweekly, he said I spent too much time online, and he told his mother about this, so his mother even said I'm spoil person, I should not get everything that I want, for me, I just want a husband to love me, and have our own space to live, but it's a really weird relationship in a family,how can I survive in a three persons marriage....

Your husband goes to work every day, yes? Ask him to take you with him, but drop you off at the biggest University there, every day.

Once there, get into the Job Counselling Office, speak with a member of staff, and go find a job.

Having a job will shut the mother up on most of her points - and IMO - that's really what you want to do - to shut her up.

It's not enough to give her home-baked exlax-imbued chocolate brownies - you must get out there, and get a job .

Then, when you have a job (rather a few months later) - YOU sit down with the mother-in-law, without the husband,

and YOU go over your CV, from Day 1 of working (back in the PI) to current,

and ask her - just why do you run your big mouth? Your son married me to be happy, not to have YOU harp on and on.

[rlogan 2,036]

In this case buddy we have what the literature calls an "Invalidator" Mother in Law. Nothing is good enough for the Invalidator. Their profession is putting you down no matter what you do. Nothing is ever good enough. A normal person would already have acknowledged her previous work history and the things she does for her husband.

The trap you must never fall into is trying to get approval from an Invalidator. Because it is the last thing they will ever do, and it puts them in exactly the kind of control they want: the position of judging you while you try to please them in vain. I agree on the job, but for her life, and not as an item to win mother in law approval.

What the literature tells us to do is disengage with Invalidators: cutting them out of your life is actually the best thing to do, and when you have to keep them then you give them choices with enforceable consequences. This requires cooperation on the part of the husband, which is also a problem here. There is a disordered co-dependency between the mother and this #######-pile of a husband. It is a professional counseling situation at best, but it is a long hard slog with these personality disorders. Just about as bad as dealing with autism.

[Darnell 8,479]

rlogan - ah - I see. Got It! I deal with Invalidators and Diffusers on a regular basis with my work and professional interests - so I not think to cross the bridge into family-matters with these labels. Thanks for the kick-over, I'll keep my eyes peeled in the future.

Edited June 17, 2012 by Darnell