husband tells lies about me to his family

[Ilovemypinoy 9]

Btw, I would like to read an updated post after you have sought help. Hopefully it will no longer be giving_up. I hope you rise above any feelings of hopelessness to empowerment. Be strong sister.

[Dan and Judy 614]

I need help now, but don't know where to go or how to start.

Do you have access to credit cards or bank accounts? Do you drive? Is there only one car?

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Despite there is a different dynamic with each person we interact with, the dynamic in a dysfunctional/abusive relationship it's NEVER ok. Each person responds different to conflict, but domestic violence/mental abuse is NOT RIGHT!.No one has the right to abuse another person. There are several things that should not be in ANY relationship such as physical abuse,mental abuse, controlling etc... These behaviors NO ONE should accept it.

I am so glad that you understood that you are not in a hopeless situation,there is life outside of your marriage!. File for spousal support & alimony right away, and after a few days find a lawyer to take care of your divorce. If you can't afford to hire a lawyer here is the list of free legal services.

http://www.justice.g...bono/states.htm

Good luck.

Really?

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

YOU NEED TO LEAVE WITH YOUR CHILD AND DON'T WARN HIM YOU LEFT. He will Come Around. Thats how a man thinks. If you think he's mad now? Wait until he figures out your gone with his child. But, stay stern. don't tell him where you are. If you have no money. A womans sheltor and avoid telling him where you are until you see a change in him. I know thats hard. But, you may have too.

[amuna0526 11]

I am so shocked at some of the posts I read.

Anyways,to giving_up, stay strong for your child. You need to do what is in her interest. My heart goes out to you. I know a woman who is going through an abusive relationship as well. She managed to get out, with somewhat my help and her family. You must not have any family here to help you.

First you need to get out.Go to a shelter. Request an order of protection. Hire an attorney from legal aid in your area. You can probably find the number online. I am not sure exactly, but I think you are granted child support, rent, alimony, etc. You might even be eligible for food stamps and cash if you go to social services. Find a job, not because he said so, but for you to support yourself and child. Plus you will feel better and you will meet people.

Whatever you decide you want to do, keep us posted.

[MrsSomers00 0]

Yes, be a better Wife or file for divorce.

It's clear that your Husband can use the financial help and he doesn't want another kid until that happens.

Being a better wife doesn't mean to be subservient or take abuse of any kind, but it does mean to step up to the partnership plate.

Perhaps this was in the two other posts that the server ate but this post comes across as very self centered. Nothing wrong with that per see as long as you recognize it.

Please don't have any more kids until both of you figure out what you want in life.

Good luck.

I agree with this post... The first thing that came to mind is why would you want to have another child and you are currently not financially stable. That does not make any sense, and if he is emotionally abusive then why would you even want to have more kids from him. The goal of having a job is when things like this happen, you have the independance to either fight or flight. Money is not everything but it sure helps with personal independence. We have to remember that a partner is only icing on the cake. A partner is not suppose to complete an individual, you should already be complete by yourself and that partners come along be that final icing on the cake. :wow:

[issha2lynden 77]

Shameful! You give good people a bad name.....

ok explain to me why my post is shameful..and what the heck you mean I give good people a bad name? huh????

[issha2lynden 77]

I agree with this post... The first thing that came to mind is why would you want to have another child and you are currently not financially stable. That does not make any sense, and if he is emotionally abusive then why would you even want to have more kids from him. The goal of having a job is when things like this happen, you have the independance to either fight or flight. Money is not everything but it sure helps with personal independence. We have to remember that a partner is only icing on the cake. A partner is not suppose to complete an individual, you should already be complete by yourself and that partners come along be that final icing on the cake. :wow:

exactly!! :thumbs:

[issha2lynden 77]

From here, all we can do is tell her to fix her situation whether or not it involves being a better wife. Her husband isnt getting our advice. The sister being there might just have been like a 'mediator'. It didnt soung like things were getting out of hand. Just sounded like the sister was only listening and watching the interaction and asking a few questions herself. She had already stated she will start counseling. This is some initiative.

Maybe the lies he tells his family are really how he perceives things? Idk. But Both need to put effort forward. Finances happen to be quoted as the biggest cause for divorce and communication is the second biggest. Whatever type of person he is, if he needs space to calm down give it to him first but both of you need to communicate. When planning for the second child it is still your responsibility to ask him if things are still as planned before. I will falter you for that. And if finances are an issue, you will have to do something to help out like get a job and not only to keep yourself occupied. Its a joint effort to make things work. You were ok with the plan to have two children at some point. If that is what you still want with him then you may need to help out financially. If you can confront him about these lies without things turning into a fight, do it.

I agree with you, good point! maybe the lies he said to his sister is actually how he perceive things, and I am saying if the marriage is survivable which with my reading with OP's first post seem to be, act and do something to repair what ever is left there. This is marriage and you have kids. I am just so devastated with the divorce rate in this country but having said that I also agree with majority that if OP is really being abused then go run for your life. Don't even bother tell him about your plan. You have a child whom you are responsible providing a healthy environment.

[kennym 275]

ANOTHER VJ CLASSIC...

• OP Seeking relationship advice on the internet!
  
• Others picking on fellow posters!!
  
• DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA
  
• Off topic BS!!
  

To the OP.. THe internet (VJ Included) is the worst place in the world for Relationship advice.. Please, go and talk to a counselor, a pastor, or family, or a friend you trust.. Most internet sites are full of people thriving on this Drama and have nothing helpful to offer.. The relationship advise you get here or other internet Forums, is simply dangerous. Especially if you put any credibility in it,

I am not saying there are n't good people here, but there are a whole bunch of bad advise and nobody should consider following advise on managing relationships from things said on a website.I cant stress enough, unless you don't care about your relationship, the internet and forums, is not a place to seek advise or encouragement. There are too many people simply not interested in giving mature advise.. It is great for Immigration Questions, but from only a few who give good advise, but the relationship stuff is best handled by family, friends, pastors, and real-life counselors...

Those of you getting your rocks-off on picking on Tim/Mav and others, Please! get a life.. Not everyone is as eloquent as you are...

Sincerely hope the best for you...

[steffbry 5]

It seems your relationship has never been a healthy one. Especially when I read your other posts. I'm sad for you.

The time has come for you to make a decision. One that is good for both you and your daughter. You can put up with this ####### for another 2 years, and then post again on VJ about what that man has been doing to you, OR.....you can get out now. Dont bring another child into this. Please. It'll be even harder to leave when you have two. Another "band aid" baby is the last thing this marriage needs.

I hope you find the strength to gain your independence. Maybe finding a job would be good for you. It may give you some confidence and perspective about your chances of survival outside of your marriage. A chance to build contacts, make friends you can trust. Self-reliance is the only way you are ever going to leave.

Good luck

I agree with this. If it's really hard for you why not come home to your Country? Bring your daughter with you.. You can ask help from your Family, I know they'll help you especially with your case right now. If you prefer the other option, finding a job is also good and when you have enough money you can leave your Husband and bring your daughter with you. She's too young and for her to be growing up in that kind of environment is not healthy for her.. God bless you.. There's people you can ask for help in your Area if you just try. Keep safe.

[Caryh 5,206]

If life is so bad and unworkable with your husband, then go to a woman's shelter. It certainly sounds like that's your view right now. Yes its going to be hard rebuilding your life when you haven't worked here. But you can get help there, you can rebuild your life and learn to survive on your own. Possibly your husband will even wake up and get the counseling you two obviously need if you're going to have a working marriage if you take that step. And if he doesn't, you'll be working towards an independent life. You will get child support and alimony in just about any state, given you were a stay at home mom and unable to support yourself yet if it comes to divorce. A woman's shelter can offer you tons of resources in your area that no one on this forum will know about. Help is there, but you're going to need to take steps outside of this forum to get it. I'm trying to read between the lines, but I'm not so sure your husband doesn't want to work this out. He just might be embarrassed its come to this and afraid to go to counseling. You taking steps to get out of your marriage may, wake him up so you can both get the help you both obviously need. Communication sounds like it has stopped between you two. It sounds like me both of you are so focused on your own issues, you expect the other to see what you see without communicating it. And when either finally does, they're so upset they immediately throw the other person on the defensive. The end result is a huge battle every time and no real communication, compromising or working together. All of which are needed to make a marriage work.

[Teddy B 17,252]

To the op, as some people have suggested, you should seek some type of professional counseling. The internet is not the place to seek advice to fix your marriage and your family.

Good luck to you!

[Penny Lane 8,159]

Those of you getting your rocks-off on picking on Tim/Mav and others, Please! get a life.. Not everyone is as eloquent as you are...

I personally do not care about eloquent. I care about blaming the woman for her abusive relationship and simply telling her to be a better wife.

[giving_up 3]

I am the better wife, that's why he feels he can bully me and bring his sister to bully me too. I've always looked for communication, even before we got married. He lied to me from the beginning and when I came him I started to get to know him and like I've always told him, it was like getting to know him all over again and trying to love him despite of it all. If we are in this problem now is because he's never been willing to communicate with me, instead he gets mad and gives me an attitude that has always driven me nuts, like, he doesn't talk to me at all and when I'm around he makes faces like he's disgusted that I'm around. He's been like that from the beginning and I used to have like panic attacks wondering "Oh, My God, what did I do? what did I do?" while he gave me that attitude for two weeks until he finally told me he was like that because there was too much food in the fridge. This situation has made me feel like I'm worthless, things are more horrible when you have no one to talk with. He's never been the one to give me a hug or a kiss unless he wants sex, that makes me feel used and I've told him that many times but he doesn't change.

When he's good, he's very good, like in the last 3 months he really seemed like he was trying. My dad came to visit two months ago and they got along great, we had been so excited talking about a 2nd baby and then he does this. I have a career, I didn't go to college for 5 yrs to be a housewife, he knows I've always wanted to work but that just wasn't the plan. They have bullied me together 2 times before and that's unacceptable.

Someone here mentioned me going back to my country, of course that's the best thing that could happen to me but I know it won't happen, the cops told me so.

Anyway, thank you all for your replies, may God bless us all and those of you who are in the process of getting their greencard or something, get to know your partner well, because once you come here things might change. I wasn't expecting my life to be like this from day one.