husband tells lies about me to his family

[keysjangle 145]

okay, 19 people are reading this thread right now, can somebody tell me how to get out of this marriage? how someone like me with no job, no money, no family, no friends leaves this man? I don't know where to go or what to do, I don't have a place to stay, and me leaving just like that to a shelter will definitely make things worse with him. I will get a job, but how do I do things NOW? even the counselor gave me an appointment two weeks from now, I need solutions now! what can I do?

There are women's shelters all over in every state. Find one. If you are a woman of faith you can reach out to a church and they will help you. Look up telephone numbers for these places. If you go to a place, let him get mad. What's he going to do? You will be protected.

Edited June 11, 2012 by Gervl

[issha2lynden 77]

Are you people F-ing kidding me? The poor woman is in an abusive relationship and you tell her to be a better wife, go for a walk or clean the house?

This kind of third world thinking ("men are always right", "a little temper and beating is normal in a marriage", "it's your fault", "it's something you did", "he's the victim") and advice is what causes women (myself included) to be in abusive relationships for years and sometimes all their lives.

To the OP, 5 years is a long time .. verbal abuse over time WILL turn physical.. Read up books on verbal abuse at your local library, get real support from folks that understand what you are going through and get out. You deserve better.

Did you read her entire post? why the police officer didn't arrest the husband if there was really physical abuse? Again, no way I would be ok with any form of abuse but are we gonna say in this board " he hurled one bad word to me that's abuse I should file for divorce", men are never always right and beating is heck no normal in marriage,.if any is in this kind of abusive relationship you should seek help and get out but with the way she presented her story it seem to me like it's survivable..seem no serious act of abuse like those you described.. idk, I am not sure, I wasn't there.

OP you seem to be decided to move on, you can seek help from abuse women shelter or you can contact your church. You take care. Be brave for your child.

[Sandra G. 5,075]

Despite there is a different dynamic with each person we interact with, the dynamic in a dysfunctional/abusive relationship it's NEVER ok. Each person responds different to conflict, but domestic violence/mental abuse is NOT RIGHT!.No one has the right to abuse another person. There are several things that should not be in ANY relationship such as physical abuse,mental abuse, controlling etc... These behaviors NO ONE should accept it.

I am so glad that you understood that you are not in a hopeless situation,there is life outside of your marriage!. File for spousal support & alimony right away, and after a few days find a lawyer to take care of your divorce. If you can't afford to hire a lawyer here is the list of free legal services.

http://www.justice.gov/eoir/probono/states.htm

Good luck.

[giving_up 3]

I've been asking him to go to counseling with me for the last 3 years and he's always said no, I told him let's go talk with a priest and he said that if I have any problems then that I should go. He's been lying to his family from the beginning and no matter how I try to fit in, I know I never will. He's always cared more about his sister's feelings over mine, he keeps switching mood. This time that we had the problem about me getting a job, he had been giving me an attitude for two weeks, he was on and off, when he was okay we'll talk about baby #2, never about a job, that's why when he brought his sister here it was such a shock when he started trashing me in front of her. I defended myself trying to clear out every lie he was saying but that only made him even angrier. This went on and on for 3.5 hours, there was a moment that I kept grabbing my head because I felt like I was going to faint. This is taking a toll in my health and even though there are two sides in each story, i gain nothing by lying about something that's this messed up already, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want to live in a "lifetime channel" movie. I need help now, but don't know where to go or how to start.

[Tim/Mav 305]

Well, the Husband and Wife are Argumentive and I'm sure the child sees this and understands. It is up to them now. Again, the child is under Abuse now. Let the parents fight all they want. Separate/Divorce whatever, think of the child.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

If that Relationship was Abusive. There would be a record/arrests etc. Non of that is mentioned.

This is one persons side of the story alone posting here. Surely, there are 2 sides to every story.

I see what you see. A relationship in deep trouble where as: The OP asks questions to members on a Forum. Is the the answer to their problems. NO

We are strangers and know nothing about the relationship at all. Is it a cry for help? Yes. You only got one side of the story. I would suggest a temporary separation and lay-down some guild-lines between both parties. Work it out! Thats what a Counsulor would say and I just said it for free.

OP If you are unable to compremise and he won't budge as well. The only one that really suffers in the end is YOUR CHILD

So since there's no record, she's not in an abusive relationship? You are something else.

[Sandra G. 5,075]

You can go to a domestic violence shelter, it's not necessary to have a police report. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline ( 1800 799 7233) tell them you were victim of domestic violence and mental abuse and you need a shelter.They will ask some questions and give you some phone numbers that you can call to find out if they have a place available for you tomorrow.

Edited June 12, 2012 by sandranj

[Tim/Mav 305]

I've been asking him to go to counseling with me for the last 3 years and he's always said no, I told him let's go talk with a priest and he said that if I have any problems then that I should go. He's been lying to his family from the beginning and no matter how I try to fit in, I know I never will. He's always cared more about his sister's feelings over mine, he keeps switching mood. This time that we had the problem about me getting a job, he had been giving me an attitude for two weeks, he was on and off, when he was okay we'll talk about baby #2, never about a job, that's why when he brought his sister here it was such a shock when he started trashing me in front of her. I defended myself trying to clear out every lie he was saying but that only made him even angrier. This went on and on for 3.5 hours, there was a moment that I kept grabbing my head because I felt like I was going to faint. This is taking a toll in my health and even though there are two sides in each story, i gain nothing by lying about something that's this messed up already, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want to live in a "lifetime channel" movie. I need help now, but don't know where to go or how to start.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE WITH YOUR CHILD AND DON'T WARN HIM YOU LEFT. He will Come Around. Thats how a man thinks. If you think he's mad now? Wait until he figures out your gone with his child. But, stay stern. don't tell him where you are. If you have no money. A womans sheltor and avoid telling him where you are until you see a change in him. I know thats hard. But, you may have too.

[Tim/Mav 305]

So since there's no record, she's not in an abusive relationship? You are something else.

I don't know.... Do you. Do you know them? One side of Two stories is not a case or relevent conviction based upon heresay.

[NY_BX 397]

Get a job! It will surely boost your self-esteem. Don't just give up your marriage. When my hubby is in temper, I don't try to reason with him, I give him space, I would pray and keep myself busy reading, cleaning or take a walk then when hubby is in loving mood I would embrace him and start talking about what he just did, that I was upset but I understand. Try to put yourself in his shoes is a good tactic, so you would understand what and how it is from his perspective. Financial stress could put so much strain in marriage, maybe he is worried about your future, he is the man and must be a good provider of his family which is the best way of showing love- giving security. Apologize that you haven't been a help financially and tell him about your plans of stepping up by looking a job, involve him in the job hunting process so he knows you are serious about it. Marriage is not easy but it is the only possible lifetime career that a person could possibly have no matter how low our economy tank down. In my observation battered women are those that verbally fights back to non-stop. Open communication is good but refrain from talking if one is not thinking straight and is emotional. In marriage I learned "easy to forgive easy to forget" really works.

Shameful! You give good people a bad name.....

[Carito_ 5]

If that Relationship was Abusive. There would be a record/arrests etc. Non of that is mentioned.

This is one persons side of the story alone posting here. Surely, there are 2 sides to every story.

I see what you see. A relationship in deep trouble where as: The OP asks questions to members on a Forum. Is the the answer to their problems. NO

We are strangers and know nothing about the relationship at all. Is it a cry for help? Yes. You only got one side of the story. I would suggest a temporary separation and lay-down some guild-lines between both parties. Work it out! Thats what a Counsulor would say and I just said it for free.

OP If you are unable to compremise and he won't budge as well. The only one that really suffers in the end is YOUR CHILD

So since there's no record, she's not in an abusive relationship? You are something else.

Evylin, I agree with you 100%... I saw Tim/Mav's first response and I was in shock, but saying that it is not an abusive relationship because there's no record goes way beyond... And by the way, for all of you who doubt the OP because she called the cops but no one got arrested, domestic violence is not prosecuted unless the victim presses charges, so if the cops came and in the end she decided she didn't want to do it, then the cops leave... As easy as that... But I guess it is just easier to judge through the anonymity of a message board...

The fact that she fights/talks back does not mean in any way that she is not being a victim of abuse, being it emotional or physical... I do not understand why people are so judgmental...

Anyway, to the OP, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is not easy, and I don't have great advice. I only want to say I admire you for taking the first step on leaving the abusive relationship, because that takes courage... Keep strong. As others have said, maybe a shelter is not a bad idea after all...

Best of luck.

[Sandra G. 5,075]

Tim/Mav I handled more than 6.000 cases of domestic violence, let me tell you something 60% of those battered women didn't have any arrest/police record, some of them were murdered in the first violent incident. There are around 572.032 cases of domestic violence unreported in the U.S.A each year, of course we recommend to call the cops, file a police report, get a restraining order, but it's not mandatory to have these documents to configure violence. This place here is not a divorce or criminal court that we need to hear both sides to give a verdict, we are here to help others and I believe we should give our opinion based on what the person is telling us.

Edited June 12, 2012 by sandranj

[Penny Lane 8,159]

I don't know.... Do you. Do you know them? One side of Two stories is not a case or relevent conviction based upon heresay.

Do you? Are you honestly naive enough to believe that just because there's no record means there's no abuse? Really?

[giving_up 3]

after 5 yrs I have learned that I have to stand up for myself. At the beginning when he used to have mood swings, he would just curl up in the sofa and wouldn't talk to me for days, there were times that I'd be sitting on the floor next to him begging him to talk to me and he never did. Then after a couple of days he'd bring me something to eat from work and that was it. I noticed this was the pattern he used to have, something small would turn into one, sometimes two weeks. I used to cry a lot and I still do cry but most of all I feel ANGER. I'm not the person I first was when I came to this country.

Someone was asking about our age difference, I'm 37 and he's 52. We're from different ethnic groups and apparently they have more problems with mine than I do with theirs. There's just too much stuff involved, this is very exhausting.

Edited June 12, 2012 by giving_up

[Ilovemypinoy 9]

http://www.abusedwomen.org/resources.html

Here is a link to some resources. It is important to have a good support network to talk with and help you through the difficult times.