husband tells lies about me to his family

[giving_up 3]

If you are talking about these threads you can find them in an advanced search:

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__1104627

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__3821547

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__5082540

thanks, I found them too and was about to paste them.

[keysjangle 145]

Your husband is acting like a child. A little baby who isn't getting his way. He is not making any effort to support you and is going out of his way to belittle you (physically and emotionally.) This is NOT normal, it is NOT healthy, and it IS abuse. Seek help. Get away from him as fast as you can.

[giving_up 3]

I tried to speak with him this morning and he was mad and told me that his sister told him that I said that as soon as I got a job I'd "get rid" of him. That day she came he went to take a shower and I told her she made things worse because she was saying stuff too, and I told her that I was frustrated because I know that things will never get better because he doesn't want to seek help for himself or go to counseling with me and I told her that if I got a job I'd see a way out because my and my daughter's mental health come first. She has always acted like she's being supportive and when my husband said that I got mad, I called her to thank her for all her support and help, I told her that I love her but that if she's going to say something, it has to be something positive for our marriage, not to add more bad stuff. She seemed mad from the moment she heard my voice and then all of a sudden she started yelling a lot of stuff on the phone and then she hung up. She called my husband and asked him to give the phone to me, yelled at me some more and hung up. I'm not married to her, I don't have to take stuff from her, but still I kept my cool.

He was calm after a while and then we started talking things out and he said that he made a mistake by not talking with me about the job issue but that he never thought he'd have to ask me to work. He's always been a great provider but a very abusive husband. I told him we both want the best for our daughter, like, give her a house and great education, but I told him that I need her to grow up in a safe, positive environment. Every day she tells me he doesn't love me and I don't want her to grow up in this environment. I told him he's never wanted to get help, to go to counseling and that I know things will never be okay between us. I took his hands, told him I know things will never work out, I gave him a hug, told him I love him but that I cannot be with him anymore.

I can't believe how "brave" I was to say that to him since I do not have a job, my daughter is home on vacation right now and I have no place to go. I feel so sick, this relationship has worn me out, I called the new counselor and they told me they'd give me appointment for the 25th, that's way too long for me. I feel like this is not the end, that he will come to me and say "let's work things out" again, but with no commitment, no will from him to get help and go to counseling I can't agree to stay with him. I just need to live a peaceful life but am afraid of him taking our daughter since he's the one who's working and I'm not.

[tru_loves_journey 117]

Sorry to hear about your situation. All my life I have seen this problem in marriages. Men work and agree that the woman stay home and care for the children. Out of the blue they change their mind and without thinking they say the woman isn't doing her part. WELL, Did the man forget that being a Mother, Maid, Cook is a Full Time Job? I have never understood what makes the change come about but be willing to change and get work to save your marriage if that's what's best for your life. As for me that's why my last marriage failed. If I was going to work and still do all the housework,child care and everything else that comes with being a Full time parent then why did I need him? It made me feel I was doing it all and I knew I could. The counseling may be what you two need to save your marriage and listening to his family is only hurting him...The best of luck to you

[Penny Lane 8,159]

In my observation battered women are those that verbally fights back to non-stop.

I have no idea how I missed this gem the first time I read through the thread.

Victim blaming is absolutely unnecessary, and really offensive. Women who "verbally fight back" don't deserve to be battered. No woman does. And if she's in a relationship where this is happening, then she needs to get out and get out FAST. The fact that you'd come into this thread where a woman is obviously scared and confused, and attempt to blame her for her situation is really, really sad.

[Ellie-and-David 38]

It seems your relationship has never been a healthy one. Especially when I read your other posts. I'm sad for you.

The time has come for you to make a decision. One that is good for both you and your daughter. You can put up with this ####### for another 2 years, and then post again on VJ about what that man has been doing to you, OR.....you can get out now. Dont bring another child into this. Please. It'll be even harder to leave when you have two. Another "band aid" baby is the last thing this marriage needs.

I hope you find the strength to gain your independence. Maybe finding a job would be good for you. It may give you some confidence and perspective about your chances of survival outside of your marriage. A chance to build contacts, make friends you can trust. Self-reliance is the only way you are ever going to leave.

Good luck

[Caryh 5,206]

I have no idea how I missed this gem the first time I read through the thread.

Victim blaming is absolutely unnecessary, and really offensive. Women who "verbally fight back" don't deserve to be battered. No woman does. And if she's in a relationship where this is happening, then she needs to get out and get out FAST. The fact that you'd come into this thread where a woman is obviously scared and confused, and attempt to blame her for her situation is really, really sad.

The only description I saw of physical abuse is when she admitted she hit him first. From her description it sounds like he went pretty far over the top. But when the police were called, no one was arrested? I don't know of a police force that is not required to make an arrest if evidence of physical abuse occurred. Something is obviously wrong with this marriage, but with only one side being presented, I wouldn't be blaming either party.

[lei1111 3]

hello, i find it shocking that so many people can have so much to say about the abuse, non abuse.

the dynamics of all relationships are as different and complicated as every single person is. i wish you well regardless of what you both choose to do. pray, and try to always ask yourself what you would want to be done to you. and yes always think of the child. good luck. i am sorry to hear that you are struggling.

[keysjangle 145]

It's not enough to pray about problems like this. She and her daughter are at risk. In-action leaves the door open for further abuse. She has to make decisions and be proactive. And yes, while all dynamics are different there is NEVER any room for spousal abuse. Praying won't keep his mouth shut or his hands in his pockets.

[Cathi 5,794]

Well, this is how I read it. It is normal to have Maritol problems and stress. We attack the ones we love.

Your husband, is dealing with finaces and even worse a 'fidelity' issue and you are'nt helping. I imagine you have begun to like to argue just like him. Where does that go. ? Nowhere! Thats why your writing this. If you need to seek Independant help from an Outside (of family) Counsular then do so. I don't think the Issue is a job. I think you maynot be showing the Support (Emotionally) as a wife. Thats what I think he is looking for. You mentioned his argument was your love for the Sofa. (Thus, sit on your Butt all day). I'm not saying thats true.

Try and make-up and that will take your strength. He is on the defensive as you are. You need to bow down a bit and try and show effort. Whether looking for a job or just be a better Wife and waiting for his arrival to argue is a endless battle.

It's up to you.

She said nothing about "fidelity" infidelity is cheating on your spouse...she said "infertility" which are problems becoming pregnant. And I didn't see where anything was mentioned about her"love for the couch"..talk about misinterpreting what this woman wrote. And who said she wasn't a good wife? Before you start accusing this woman of things, perhaps you should use a dictionary.

[sandcastle 1]

Well, this is how I read it. It is normal to have Maritol problems and stress. We attack the ones we love.

Your husband, is dealing with finaces and even worse a 'fidelity' issue and you are'nt helping. I imagine you have begun to like to argue just like him. Where does that go. ? Nowhere! Thats why your writing this. If you need to seek Independant help from an Outside (of family) Counsular then do so. I don't think the Issue is a job. I think you maynot be showing the Support (Emotionally) as a wife. Thats what I think he is looking for. You mentioned his argument was your love for the Sofa. (Thus, sit on your Butt all day). I'm not saying thats true.

Try and make-up and that will take your strength. He is on the defensive as you are. You need to bow down a bit and try and show effort. Whether looking for a job or just be a better Wife and waiting for his arrival to argue is a endless battle.

It's up to you.

..When my hubby is in temper, I don't try to reason with him, I give him space, I would pray and keep myself busy reading, cleaning or take a walk then when hubby is in loving mood I would embrace him and start talking about what he just did, that I was upset but I understand. Try to put yourself in his shoes is a good tactic, so you would understand what and how it is from his perspective. Financial stress could put so much strain in marriage, maybe he is worried about your future, he is the man and must be a good provider of his family which is the best way of showing love- giving security. Apologize that you haven't been a help financially and tell him about your plans of stepping up by looking a job, involve him in the job hunting process so he knows you are serious about it. Marriage is not easy but it is the only possible lifetime career that a person could possibly have no matter how low our economy tank down. In my observation battered women are those that verbally fights back to non-stop. Open communication is good but refrain from talking if one is not thinking straight and is emotional. In marriage I learned "easy to forgive easy to forget" really works.

Are you people F-ing kidding me? The poor woman is in an abusive relationship and you tell her to be a better wife, go for a walk or clean the house?

This kind of third world thinking ("men are always right", "a little temper and beating is normal in a marriage", "it's your fault", "it's something you did", "he's the victim") and advice is what causes women (myself included) to be in abusive relationships for years and sometimes all their lives.

To the OP, 5 years is a long time .. verbal abuse over time WILL turn physical.. Read up books on verbal abuse at your local library, get real support from folks that understand what you are going through and get out. You deserve better.

[lei1111 3]

all i can say is, WOW....

[giving_up 3]

okay, 19 people are reading this thread right now, can somebody tell me how to get out of this marriage? how someone like me with no job, no money, no family, no friends leaves this man? I don't know where to go or what to do, I don't have a place to stay, and me leaving just like that to a shelter will definitely make things worse with him. I will get a job, but how do I do things NOW? even the counselor gave me an appointment two weeks from now, I need solutions now! what can I do?

[issha2lynden 77]

The only description I saw of physical abuse is when she admitted she hit him first. From her description it sounds like he went pretty far over the top. But when the police were called, no one was arrested? I don't know of a police force that is not required to make an arrest if evidence of physical abuse occurred. Something is obviously wrong with this marriage, but with only one side being presented, I wouldn't be blaming either party.

My sadness goes to two people here, I am 100% against any abuse physical or emotional, with my comment I am not saying it is ok to be battered that you have to live with it heck NO! I am not blaming or trying to confuse the OP just the more, I am only saying if he is already abusive try to avoid it (don't fight back, it wont work), do something if you wanna salvage your marriage,,and my thought goes, we are only hearing her side of story, seem like they are not communicating very well, they seem to have wisdom problem, husband thought he doesn't have to tell her to go get a job and wife thought it was alright to be a full time house wife..but who are we to judge here, I am not under the same roof where these two dwells..

[Tim/Mav 305]

If that Relationship was Abusive. There would be a record/arrests etc. Non of that is mentioned.

This is one persons side of the story alone posting here. Surely, there are 2 sides to every story.

I see what you see. A relationship in deep trouble where as: The OP asks questions to members on a Forum. Is the the answer to their problems. NO

We are strangers and know nothing about the relationship at all. Is it a cry for help? Yes. You only got one side of the story. I would suggest a temporary separation and lay-down some guild-lines between both parties. Work it out! Thats what a Counsulor would say and I just said it for free.

OP If you are unable to compremise and he won't budge as well. The only one that really suffers in the end is YOUR CHILD