Advice needed VJ Family Plzz!!

[Karee 4,191]

I don't know about Jamaican men, but I damn sure know about Thai women. I lived in Thailand for 3 years and had a girl right away. When that thing was off, she was up to no good. I caught her numerous times screwing around. That phone not being answered was the key.

That cell phone is as good as catching him in the act with another girl. How many times do you call that phone and it goes straight to voice mail because it's turned off? How many times does the phone go unanswered? With my wife, I told her up front I don't want any funny business with the phone. If that thing rings, she better answer it. I know that sounds somewhat controlling, but I told her the deal up front.

[Nicoco 26]

If you are sure he is cheating on you, why stay? I don't believe in divorce unless you have absolutely tried everything, cheating is a deal breaker for me. I would say to leave him. Seriously not worth it.

[amyandjorge 76]

OK, first of all, breaking the sanctity of your marriage is horrible, but cheating happens. And I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

I think, in order to make it work, he needs to own up to his infidelities, own up to BEING a married man (in his personal and professional life), and start demonstrating that he is a man and a husband who deserves the sacrifices you are and will be making. If he can't/won't do that, then fine, adios.

Sounds like you need to sit down and evaluate the situation (maybe with girlfriends and wine ). What are the warning signs that are coming up right now? What are the consequences of ignoring the warning signs? What do you stand to lose (financially, emotionally, physically)? How far is he willing to go to make it work? How far are you willing to go?

[MrsJohnson 0]

OK, first of all, breaking the sanctity of your marriage is horrible, but cheating happens. And I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

I think, in order to make it work, he needs to own up to his infidelities, own up to BEING a married man (in his personal and professional life), and start demonstrating that he is a man and a husband who deserves the sacrifices you are and will be making. If he can't/won't do that, then fine, adios.

Sounds like you need to sit down and evaluate the situation (maybe with girlfriends and wine ). What are the warning signs that are coming up right now? What are the consequences of ignoring the warning signs? What do you stand to lose (financially, emotionally, physically)? How far is he willing to go to make it work? How far are you willing to go?

Thanks for ur reply. I am so overwhelmed with my situation right now. Ive been home in bed all day but ultimately i do love him but i love myself even more. I am upset my heart is going to be broken and my wallet empty...but i'd rather stop now then have things get worse when he reaches the states. Ive been talking with my girls all day and they told me really think this through...they also say just leave him and be done with it...run while i can.

[Linds&Youssef 56]

To be honest the only reason why i feel to stay with him is because i feel like invested so much into this boy.

Just a thought, but if you're still in the middle of the process, you're going to have to spend more before it's over. So if the amount of money invested is the only thing keeping you together, you're better off to call it quits before he costs you even more (both literally and figuratively). If you don't love him and/or he's mistreating you, then your only healthy recourse is to consider it like a business situation. In the business world, what you're doing is called "escalation of commitment". It's when you justify continuing to do something that's not in your best interest because you've already put money/resources into it. What you've already put in is lost and cannot be reclaimed, but that doesn't mean you have to keep throwing money into the pit. Even if you do still love/care for him, this may help you to make a healthier decision if you're sure he doesn't love you or if he treats you badly. Good luck!

[charlie1 4]

gd morning...im so upset this morning. ive never shared my personal life on here but i just need some advice. Ive been with my husband over 2 years and i filied for him back in april. Im starting to regret ever being with him. There is sooo much heart ache i go thru with him. ever since we been together he's been cheating on me. he doesnt help me out any type of way. He doesnt call me how he is suppose to. i know he doesnt love me but i do believe he does care about me. Im going to be honest he is very young (21) and age shouldnt matter but i feel like im with a little kid. He is very selfish and stubborn. To be honest the only reason why i feel to stay with him is because i feel like invested so much into this boy. ive spent thousands and thousands of dollars on his sorry ####.

Im just sick of him and want to drop everything and stay far the hell away from him before he hurts me even more. Any advice!

call the police

[TBoneTX 45,914]

Inventory:

No trust, no fidelity, no maturity, no accountability, no respect = no foundation for a marriage or anything within a long stone's throw of it.

[Jamaicancricket 38]

Just a thought, but if you're still in the middle of the process, you're going to have to spend more before it's over. So if the amount of money invested is the only thing keeping you together, you're better off to call it quits before he costs you even more (both literally and figuratively). If you don't love him and/or he's mistreating you, then your only healthy recourse is to consider it like a business situation. In the business world, what you're doing is called "escalation of commitment". It's when you justify continuing to do something that's not in your best interest because you've already put money/resources into it. What you've already put in is lost and cannot be reclaimed, but that doesn't mean you have to keep throwing money into the pit. Even if you do still love/care for him, this may help you to make a healthier decision if you're sure he doesn't love you or if he treats you badly. Good luck!

I love this response!

[MrsJohnson 0]

Just a thought, but if you're still in the middle of the process, you're going to have to spend more before it's over. So if the amount of money invested is the only thing keeping you together, you're better off to call it quits before he costs you even more (both literally and figuratively). If you don't love him and/or he's mistreating you, then your only healthy recourse is to consider it like a business situation. In the business world, what you're doing is called "escalation of commitment". It's when you justify continuing to do something that's not in your best interest because you've already put money/resources into it. What you've already put in is lost and cannot be reclaimed, but that doesn't mean you have to keep throwing money into the pit. Even if you do still love/care for him, this may help you to make a healthier decision if you're sure he doesn't love you or if he treats you badly. Good luck!

I hear what your saying. I was extreamly angry when i wrote my post. Im much calmer now. I do love my husband i could never look at it like some type of busniness transaction. I did mention the money but its a fact filing for someone isnt cheap and money is a part of any relationship, weather its between a USC and an immigrant or USC and a USC. Hes not the worse thing out there i would of never married him if thats the case. I really dont mind spending the money on him to get here because i do love him and believe in my heart when he comes here he will contribute to this family. My main problem is him not communcating with me like he should. He calls me once a day...#######!! Either way what ever is suppose to be will be.

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I hear what your saying. I was extreamly angry when i wrote my post. Im much calmer now. I do love my husband i could never look at it like some type of busniness transaction. I did mention the money but its a fact filing for someone isnt cheap and money is a part of any relationship, weather its between a USC and an immigrant or USC and a USC. Hes not the worse thing out there i would of never married him if thats the case. I really dont mind spending the money on him to get here because i do love him and believe in my heart when he comes here he will contribute to this family. My main problem is him not communcating with me like he should. He calls me once a day...#######!! Either way what ever is suppose to be will be.

Well, you have valid reasons to be angry. Your husband isn't acting like one. I know in the course of trying to advise someone you can't get upset when someone doesn't listen to your advice and does what they feel is right, we all have that choice in life, but I have to say I am vexxed as to why your main concern is that he only calls once a day. That should be the least of your concerns. All the things T-Bone mentioned, you don't have in your marriage at all and yet it appears that you are willing to continue this "situation" until frutition. I call it that because it doens't even resemble a relationship in the slightest way. You also said the bad outweighs the good, so what's the point? Another good question is if he has no commitment to you over there, why do you think it will change once he gets here? He might not be the worst out there but he's pretty bad IMO.

No marriage is perfect and there will always be bumps on the road to deal with, you have potholes the size of the Grand Canyon and you are still trying to drive through them. Everything that makes a marriage the sacred union between two people is absent from yours, and you can't rebuild something that wasn't there in the first place. But you will have to make your own decisions, I just pray you make the right one.

[SweetieOne 41]

I hear what your saying. I was extreamly angry when i wrote my post. Im much calmer now. I do love my husband i could never look at it like some type of busniness transaction. I did mention the money but its a fact filing for someone isnt cheap and money is a part of any relationship, weather its between a USC and an immigrant or USC and a USC. Hes not the worse thing out there i would of never married him if thats the case. I really dont mind spending the money on him to get here because i do love him and believe in my heart when he comes here he will contribute to this family. My main problem is him not communcating with me like he should. He calls me once a day...#######!! Either way what ever is suppose to be will be.

WOW, this is just sad to me!! Honey, not to be straight to the point but WAKE UP!! Bringing him here will not change a ting at all, trust me. It is ok to vent for advice, however you are taking back your words. I hope for your sake and your child's sake you see the light. Your story is a typical Jamaican man. Not all of them will do this, but I would guess about 90% of them cheat or have multiple woman. If you think he will change once he is here cuz your all he has, think again. Married or not, long term relationship or not, when your there in Jamaica it is a vacation and everything for the most part is irie and cris. So I will pray for you and your child.

[R_N_M 4]

WOW, this is just sad to me!! Honey, not to be straight to the point but WAKE UP!! Bringing him here will not change a ting at all, trust me. It is ok to vent for advice, however you are taking back your words. I hope for your sake and your child's sake you see the light. Your story is a typical Jamaican man. Not all of them will do this, but I would guess about 90% of them cheat or have multiple woman. If you think he will change once he is here cuz your all he has, think again. Married or not, long term relationship or not, when your there in Jamaica it is a vacation and everything for the most part is irie and cris. So I will pray for you and your child.

Agreed!!!

Dear Sis Johnson,

First of all I am sorry that you are in this position. I am here as a VJ fam and friend. I really never respond to these types of post but I felt compelled. There is somethings I want you to ponder when making a decision. I have been going to Jamaican for years. There are things I have learned about the culture. Cheating is the norm. Many times some of these Jamaican men prey on the foriegn women as vehicle and maintenance of their lifestyles. You may have even meet the women he has cheated on you with but you think it is a family member or friend. Many of the Jamaican women understand that you are their meal ticket and opportunity and will not cause drama. THAT IS THE NORM. Another thing is that appearance is a big thing in Jamaica. He wants to seem like he got all the latest and the best things. It appears to me from my experience that he is maybe using you to boast. I understand that you are married and willing to spend money for your man but are many of things your buying for survival or showing off??? How many times have you sacrificed your well being for this man??? He has shown you that he is would not make the same sacrifice for you. I can tell you that I am also married to a Jamacian man and have a house in Jamaica. When I am there we live as a married couple. We make budgets, goals, and future plans. We have credit cards in both names in Jamaica and the USA. He is interested to know where the many is coming from and what sacrifices I am making for him. Many times when I send my husband money it is for survival and not wants. My husband has sent me money from Jamaica to pay our household bills in the US. I have recieved hand-made birthday cards and gifts when our funds are low. We fuss and fight and I have even threatened divorce but we work hard at it to make it work. I am not trying to show off... The example I am trying to show is that both parties are invested in this relationship. We are not really talking about the money you spent but the pattern of him being absent and unavailable in your relationship. All relationships are a process. It is not one side or for the glamour....yeah your right he cares for you but that does not equate to a husband. We as women need to be realistic with ourselves to end the cycle of bad relationships. Do not allow yourself to continue to be used by this young man. If he really wanted your marriage to work it would start in Jamaica. Marriage is a state of mind and not based on geographics. It seems that the writing is on the wall. Dust yourself off and keep it moving. You are also a young but do not allow a man to set your standard. You set the standard and how you would like to be treated. I am here to support you in any decision you make and if you decide you want to continue this relationship I will support that as well. When we are connected to a man it is like a drug whether good or bad. For a spiritual answer remain still and in prayer. The decision will come to you. Do not make threats or fight. REMAIN CALM. Although you are in the immigration process, you are not in any race. When you get your NOA2 you can take up to a year at NVC. You will remain in my prayers for mental clarity and strenghth.

Spiritual Rx:

Psalm 59:9-10a New Living Translation (NLT)

9 You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me,

for you, O God, are my fortress.

10 In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.

[MrsJohnson 0]

[/b]

Agreed!!!

Dear Sis Johnson,

First of all I am sorry that you are in this position. I am here as a VJ fam and friend. I really never respond to these types of post but I felt compelled. There is somethings I want you to ponder when making a decision. I have been going to Jamaican for years. There are things I have learned about the culture. Cheating is the norm. Many times some of these Jamaican men prey on the foriegn women as vehicle and maintenance of their lifestyles. You may have even meet the women he has cheated on you with but you think it is a family member or friend. Many of the Jamaican women understand that you are their meal ticket and opportunity and will not cause drama. THAT IS THE NORM. Another thing is that appearance is a big thing in Jamaica. He wants to seem like he got all the latest and the best things. It appears to me from my experience that he is maybe using you to boast. I understand that you are married and willing to spend money for your man but are many of things your buying for survival or showing off??? How many times have you sacrificed your well being for this man??? He has shown you that he is would not make the same sacrifice for you. I can tell you that I am also married to a Jamacian man and have a house in Jamaica. When I am there we live as a married couple. We make budgets, goals, and future plans. We have credit cards in both names in Jamaica and the USA. He is interested to know where the many is coming from and what sacrifices I am making for him. Many times when I send my husband money it is for survival and not wants. My husband has sent me money from Jamaica to pay our household bills in the US. I have recieved hand-made birthday cards and gifts when our funds are low. We fuss and fight and I have even threatened divorce but we work hard at it to make it work. I am not trying to show off... The example I am trying to show is that both parties are invested in this relationship. We are not really talking about the money you spent but the pattern of him being absent and unavailable in your relationship. All relationships are a process. It is not one side or for the glamour....yeah your right he cares for you but that does not equate to a husband. We as women need to be realistic with ourselves to end the cycle of bad relationships. Do not allow yourself to continue to be used by this young man. If he really wanted your marriage to work it would start in Jamaica. Marriage is a state of mind and not based on geographics. It seems that the writing is on the wall. Dust yourself off and keep it moving. You are also a young but do not allow a man to set your standard. You set the standard and how you would like to be treated. I am here to support you in any decision you make and if you decide you want to continue this relationship I will support that as well. When we are connected to a man it is like a drug whether good or bad. For a spiritual answer remain still and in prayer. The decision will come to you. Do not make threats or fight. REMAIN CALM. Although you are in the immigration process, you are not in any race. When you get your NOA2 you can take up to a year at NVC. You will remain in my prayers for mental clarity and strenghth.

Spiritual Rx:

Psalm 59:9-10a New Living Translation (NLT)

9 You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me,

for you, O God, are my fortress.

10 In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.

you left me speechless and in tears. I love everything your saying to me. I know that what i am going through is wrong and i know i need to wake up but its so hard for me to sit here and let go of this man that i love. He has cheated in the past and i knew about it...since we have been married i do believe is does flirt (not sure if he's actually having sex) either way its wrong and i do need him to change for the sake of this marriage. I really do appreciate what you said to me. its a major eye opener for me. You have def. worded everything into this message. For that i love you, really! Thank you so much!

[kate&javi 26]

Sincerely, if I were you, I would not put up with this type of behavior from him. You say that you spoil him, give him all of the newest things but that he doesn't even send you a card on your birthday. Relationships are a two-way street! Most men I know want to give their girlfriends/wives things and not expect her to pay for everything and anything just because he "wants it." My fiance has never, sincerely I mean never, asked me to buy him a single thing. I buy him things because I WANT to, not because he is asking and bugging me for the newest, hottest things. I think it's totally OK to spoil someone but if they never reciprocate and you end up resenting them for such behavior!? Also, you stated that you know he's cheating on you. I would find that really disrespectful. I told my fiance that if he ever cheated on me, even once, I was out of the door immediately, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Think about it -- you are YOUNG, you can find someone who can respect you, love you, treat you the way that you want to be treated. Don't keep hanging on to him and not letting go because you don't want to feel like you wasted your money or your time with him. If I were you, I'd leave right now, pull the petition and find someone who would treat me correctly. You need to take care of yourself FIRST! You and your child are the one who matters. Unfortunately, people do not change just because they move countries. People are pretty set in their ways, especially as adults, and they will not become the person you think they will become just because you wish them to be like that. Everyone has flaws, yes, but he is doing this consciously to you. I don't think you deserve this type of treatment. I hope you can see this before it's too late. Good luck.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

It doesn't matter you love him because he showed already he doesn't love you at all. LOVE IS A SHARING THING. You deserve to be with a man that every day you get up and say "thank you Lord to have in my life my wonderful husband" .I really do not believe you can say that. Love is respect,commitment,caring... Be honest with yourself is he this guy? You know the answer and please forget about this silly idea when he arrives here he will change, I bet he will cheat on you even more because he will have money enough to look good than ever. When you discover who you are and what you deserve you won't keep up with someone that clearly is using you to get in the Usa.You deserve to be with someone that is madly in love with you and make you insanely happy.