How have your children been with new hubby/fiancee?

[Ihavequestions 419]

Secondly, it is very uncommon for a single man to marry a girl with kids overseas so most do not have the tools to take on step parenting.

Oh, I wish you would stop saying that because it's just not true. In fact, this is one example of what I'm talking about when I say it's a mistake to slap our own culture onto another.

Divorced/widowed women and divorced/widowed women with children get remarried all of the time. OMG, I can't emphasize enough how often it happens. In this part of the world where it's duty, not a choice, to protect and provide, marrying a woman who is alone - or alone with her children - and vulnerable is an act of kindness and everybody knows it.

To wince at relationships where children are involved is a good idea, but not just because children are involved. Maybe if her skin tone is way darker than his or if she dresses like she's starred in a "People of Walmart" video (while visiting his mother), but not because there was a broken marriage or because she has children. So stop saying that.

[Moh&Tamz 3]

WOW this is exactly what I worried would happen. I was really enjoying everyone's discussion and the positive flow. It really does only take one rotten apple to ruin the basket. Allah Kareem.

From what I can tell and to those I have personally have talked to; you all seem to be a well rounded caring, sensitive, and loving mothers. I truly have appreciated your positive stories and experience; even though mine

are mostly older I want this to be a loving and positive experience in our lives. insha'Allah khair.

Hugs,

Tamz

[EAbbas 213]

We are still in the Waiting process after interview but I personally also think it depends on how we approach the whole idea of immigration/relationships and how to best be a normal family.

My husband has been involved in our lives for almost 4 years ... close to two years as my husband. My children saw the relationship with my ex and how disrespectful and uncaring and abusive it was so they clearly see how my husband talks to me with respect and love even when they see we have a disagreement.

We have created a home together even with this damn pc... He is online as soon as he is home from work... he reads to our littlest one, he helps with the homework with the other two and recently my daughter has suffered a major medical issue and yet he calls her from work to be sure she's ok. He plays online games with them... we eat dinner together and even watch online movies. They also beg him to bring ice cream home lol... one day that will happen.

He has been around his neices and nephews and his parents taught him the roles of being a good man/husband/ and future father. It's not all black and white.. there will be issues its dependant on how you approach them and discuss them. Yes he even disicplines them... if he hears them fighting he will ask me to move the cam and then he calls their name one by one saying to them... you know i love you... you know i think you are a wonderful person but right now your choice of arguing and fighting isnt a good one... maybe you need to take some time to relax and regroup and the come back.

HE's never yelled at them or me... he speaks with love and respect and listens to each of them and each of their problems even if it's that our little one can't stand spelling tests at school or the one with medical issues hates feeling bad.

I dont lock us away separate from the family ...he's in the middle of whats going on always all evening from the time we come from work even until we leave in the morning... even asking each one if they have everything for school and to have a wonderful day etc... when we do go to bed we sleep with the pc on together and most nights the little one will climb into bed and say.. mommy ....papa... can i sleep with you .. he says... hannah baby yeah sure.. tonight only... lol... and then he will say it again the next night.

I'm sure there will be some issues we face but the fact that we have a very honest respectful loving relationship and involve our children with everything and not shutting them is most important.

I didn't rush to marry my husband.. i knew him for 2 years before we got married. But i know i married the right man... and while he isn't the children's father he will be a good role model and great supporter of the children and they in turn will also see what a good marriage should be with great love and respect

We are each different each with different needs and issues so we really can't put everybody into one group... but all we can do is do what is right for each of us.

[Staashi 371]

I pray for everyone that your adjustments with your new husbands and your children come together as well as one can hope for. When one comes as a package deal, so to speak, you pray that the man who receives that package treats it with much love and respect.

[tany1157 161]

I pray for everyone that your adjustments with your new husbands and your children come together as well as one can hope for. When one comes as a package deal, so to speak, you pray that the man who receives that package treats it with much love and respect.

Absolutely, Staashi

[msheesha 548]

And pardon my French, but could you be more fcuking patronizing? No one is offering any experiences here in search of your totally unasked for validation! It's like you're holding up scorecards here. Stop it, please. It's interfering with how people interact on this forum, and it's impinging on people who just want to have discussions without unnecessary and inappropriate drama.

[Mithra 1,185]

No one is going to rip what you're saying to shreds. A lot of what you read in this forum is not going to apply to you or your situation. I know that right now you're in the waiting stages and are feeling somewhat insecure about things. Many of us have gone through that. If you're confident in your relationship and confident that your husband is a good guy then don't pay attention to the bad stuff. It's hard to do, I know. I used to get totally freaked out and was on the defensive a lot whenever people would post things like Kat posts. Don't let that stuff get to you if you can help it.

Also, about the age stuff - age doesn't make a damn bit of difference when it comes to kids and husbands adjusting step parenthood.

The only thing I have to say that no matter what the thread is on this forum, there are always a select few that feel the need the bring people down just because they have had a bad experience. Not all middle eastern men are nasty and vile and scammers. I will not even reply to the OP as I know, once again, that anything I say, good, bad or indifferent will be torn to shreds. I know who I am, I know my husband and children, and I don't want or need anyone's approval. I love him, he loves me, we love our children....

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Oh, I wish you would stop saying that because it's just not true. In fact, this is one example of what I'm talking about when I say it's a mistake to slap our own culture onto another.

Divorced/widowed women and divorced/widowed women with children get remarried all of the time. OMG, I can't emphasize enough how often it happens. In this part of the world where it's duty, not a choice, to protect and provide, marrying a woman who is alone - or alone with her children - and vulnerable is an act of kindness and everybody knows it.

To wince at relationships where children are involved is a good idea, but not just because children are involved. Maybe if her skin tone is way darker than his or if she dresses like she's starred in a "People of Walmart" video (while visiting his mother), but not because there was a broken marriage or because she has children. So stop saying that.

I think you are missing the point. I didnt say that marrying a woman with kids does not happen. I am saying that many of these guys are ill prepared to come over here and be instant fathers.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

No one is going to rip what you're saying to shreds. A lot of what you read in this forum is not going to apply to you or your situation. I know that right now you're in the waiting stages and are feeling somewhat insecure about things. Many of us have gone through that. If you're confident in your relationship and confident that your husband is a good guy then don't pay attention to the bad stuff. It's hard to do, I know. I used to get totally freaked out and was on the defensive a lot whenever people would post things like Kat posts. Don't let that stuff get to you if you can help it.

Also, about the age stuff - age doesn't make a damn bit of difference when it comes to kids and husbands adjusting step parenthood.

Yes, you have have a younger guy and he can be a gem and you can have an older guy who is selfish and clueless. I am saying more that I dont think alot of these guys are prepared to come over here and be instant dads. Its not that some dont end up doing a great job. And just because someone states their opinion doesnt mean its fact. Fact is what has occured in your own life LOL. Its opinion.

We are all just posting our opinion.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

No one is going to rip what you're saying to shreds. A lot of what you read in this forum is not going to apply to you or your situation. I know that right now you're in the waiting stages and are feeling somewhat insecure about things. Many of us have gone through that. If you're confident in your relationship and confident that your husband is a good guy then don't pay attention to the bad stuff. It's hard to do, I know. I used to get totally freaked out and was on the defensive a lot whenever people would post things like Kat posts. Don't let that stuff get to you if you can help it.

Also, about the age stuff - age doesn't make a damn bit of difference when it comes to kids and husbands adjusting step parenthood.

And Mithra, dont you think it also depends on the culture? Some people in MENA are a lot more open to adopting western culture and then there are some that hold harder lines ( kids before marriage, divorce, illegitamacy, et)

Its one thing to date someone who is way outside your family's accepted culture. Its another thing to marry them... and then another thing to marry them for life and plan on staying with them.

[Mithra 1,185]

Some guys are up for it and some aren't. This also applies to American guys, European guys, Asian guys, etc. Same with women, some women are up for being a step mom and some aren't. I don't think I would make a good stepmom so I didn't get involved with a man who had his own kids already.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Some guys are up for it and some aren't. This also applies to American guys, European guys, Asian guys, etc. Same with women, some women are up for being a step mom and some aren't. I don't think I would make a good stepmom so I didn't get involved with a man who had his own kids already.

I think you would have been a wonderful step mom. I do think however you would have made constant smart #### remarks LOL

Some guys are up for it and some aren't. This also applies to American guys, European guys, Asian guys, etc. Same with women, some women are up for being a step mom and some aren't. I don't think I would make a good stepmom so I didn't get involved with a man who had his own kids already.

But unlike marrying someone from over here.. you dont find out if they are up for it until they get here...LOL

[Mithra 1,185]

Honestly, I don't think so. It depends on the guy and how he feels about living with/caring for another man's kids. I don't think my ex would be a good step dad because he's not a kid person. He has kids not because he likes kids necessarily but because that is what you do - get married, have kids. My current husband loves kids, in general. He's good to my kids, our kid, his co-workers' kids, etc.

And Mithra, dont you think it also depends on the culture? Some people in MENA are a lot more open to adopting western culture and then there are some that hold harder lines ( kids before marriage, divorce, illegitamacy, et)

Its one thing to date someone who is way outside your family's accepted culture. Its another thing to marry them... and then another thing to marry them for life and plan on staying with them.

[Mithra 1,185]

Sometimes even if you marry a guy from here you don't know how they're going to be until he moves in and lives with you and the kids. I really think it's about the guy not about where he's from.

I'm not great with other ppls' kids. Even my nephew I feel awkward with.

I think you would have been a wonderful step mom. I do think however you would have made constant smart #### remarks LOL

But unlike marrying someone from over here.. you dont find out if they are up for it until they get here...LOL

[msheesha 548]

I think you are missing the point. I didnt say that marrying a woman with kids does not happen. I am saying that many of these guys are ill prepared to come over here and be instant fathers.

You seem to be saying both, as evidenced by the quote below from one of your posts in this thread...

"Secondly, it is very uncommon for a single man to marry a girl with kids overseas so most do not have the tools to take on step parenting. This is not a one case situation. This is most cases."

You also highlighted the "overseas" part of it, which has no bearing on step-parenting or parenting abilities at all.

You also say "we" in most of your first post about the topic. Speak for yourself - replace all those "we's" with "I". The majority of the women who have responded do not seem to be in the same situation you have described, experienced and in which you fully participated. Continually generalizing their experiences because of your own actions and your husband's is offensive.

I didn't have children when I met my husband. Perhaps, I get a medal in this bizarre world of vj-mena because of that fact.

Edited June 8, 2012 by msheesha