How have your children been with new hubby/fiancee?

[CarolAnn&Eddy 12]

Not everything that we talk about on here is going to apply to every single situation and its good that you are all helping each other.

Unfortunately , when the goal is more to get here, get status and adjust and get papers, which sometimes happens in these relationships, if the kids develop attachments to the person, it really hurts the kids.. Its hard to bond and then be ripped apart from someone who is a stand in for a father figure...

I totally agree with this! Absolutely opinions expressed on here do not fit everyone's situation. I also agree with the second comment here. So many people are so wrapped up in the "process" it makes me wonder where the kids do fit in during all this. I for one even when i was dating here locally did not let anyone meet my kids. I did not want the kids to become attached to someone and then have them be ripped out of their lives as what happened when their father abandoned them. This is why Eddy and I dated for quite a while and close to a year before contact started between the kids and him. Neither him nor I wanted to hurt the kids in any way if for some reason we did not decide to take our relationship further. We both had to be 100% positive we were going to put our all into our relationship and when issues arise agree to find a solution. Kids do not deserve to be put on the side burner so to speak in these processes. I have seen it so many times in marriages and relationships with USC couples and I for one refuse to put any of my children through that.

[Moh&Tamz 3]

I am sorry I was hoping someone wouldn't reply to this string, simply because i wanted to hear others stories that were good or bad, but without throwing anyone under the bus.

My situation is a little different in that my husband is in his forties like me, divorced, but for what ever reason didn't have children while he was married. I don't expect him to be a DADDY to my children, but he also realizes he will be playing an important role in their lives. My youngest is 15 and all my childnre are at an age they need a good mentor, friend, and example. On thing I love about my husbabd is his dean, he himself admitted he will be held accoutable before Allah on how he treats my children. So alhumdollah it is not perfect but someone at least is accepting of their role and responsiblities of our marriage.

As for the rest it was certainly good to hear how things have been going for you and that your partners are treating your children well.

Hugs,

Tamz

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Get them ready? Not sure what you are referring to... We had no option other than fiance visa in our eyes. Well I guess I could have just ran off to Canada and married him without my kids being there, but because I am one that has always put my kids first, that will not happen.

My kids have also chatting with my fiance on IM and phone. He asks about their school, how their day went, and is trying to build a relationship.

Do you speak the same language as a first language?

I am sorry I was hoping someone wouldn't reply to this string, simply because i wanted to hear others stories that were good or bad, but without throwing anyone under the bus.

My situation is a little different in that my husband is in his forties like me, divorced, but for what ever reason didn't have children while he was married. I don't expect him to be a DADDY to my children, but he also realizes he will be playing an important role in their lives. My youngest is 15 and all my childnre are at an age they need a good mentor, friend, and example. On thing I love about my husbabd is his dean, he himself admitted he will be held accoutable before Allah on how he treats my children. So alhumdollah it is not perfect but someone at least is accepting of their role and responsiblities of our marriage.

As for the rest it was certainly good to hear how things have been going for you and that your partners are treating your children well.

Hugs,

Tamz

You are also the same age which honestly, bodes pretty well in the long run.

Its always nice to see all the variations in relationships because you arent expecting him to be their daddy.. but he does realise his role. Thats awesome

[CarolAnn&Eddy 12]

Do you speak the same language as a first language?

If you mean are there any language barriers, then no. He is Canadian and I am USC. Both of our first languages are English.

[Cathi 5,748]

The only thing I have to say that no matter what the thread is on this forum, there are always a select few that feel the need the bring people down just because they have had a bad experience. Not all middle eastern men are nasty and vile and scammers. I will not even reply to the OP as I know, once again, that anything I say, good, bad or indifferent will be torn to shreds. I know who I am, I know my husband and children, and I don't want or need anyone's approval. I love him, he loves me, we love our children....

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Well

I am yet to be able to say they have been together...but

In this wonderful time of waiting (sarcasm)...firstly it has been a blessing that my offspring's have had time to adjust to the thought of another person in the family unit.

In addition.. with the technology..they text each other, speak over skype when we are having our thrice daily conversations and we attempt to make decisions all as a family for now and the future.

Daily he knows what is going on here in my household and participates with opinions. The girls hear of his day, his parents health and the goings on there too.

So with this VISA time they are given allotment to know each other more .. Just without his physical body here. If that makes sense.

It is an odd situation if only one allows it to be.

and to see why mom is so content.

Also I really look forward to the kind influence (he has) and will have with his peaceful ways and faith.

[Mithra 1,185]

My husband and sons get along. It started off slow in the beginning when they first met irl. Now they've gotten to know each other, everyone is older and things are good. I don't live a magical super fantastic life so nothing is amazing or perfect its just good and normal mostly.

I didn't really expose my sons to the immigration process. They knew about my husband and they spoke to him on the phone a few times before he came here. They never knew when we started the visa process, knew nothing about an interview and didn't know he was coming for sure until the visa was stamped in his passport and a ticket was purchased. The wait was hard for me, I didn't want my kids to join me in that. They still to this day don't know what kind of visa he came here with. No reason for them to know.

[Peace.... 281]

The only thing I have to say that no matter what the thread is on this forum, there are always a select few that feel the need the bring people down just because they have had a bad experience. Not all middle eastern men are nasty and vile and scammers. I will not even reply to the OP as I know, once again, that anything I say, good, bad or indifferent will be torn to shreds. I know who I am, I know my husband and children, and I don't want or need anyone's approval. I love him, he loves me, we love our children....

Amen Sister !!!!

I love...... your love story with your husband and your children. Though we are in our 40's it's not as if we are dead, we are fully alive and capable of loving and giving our husband and children all the love one desires. Mohammed loves being a step dad and it really shows. Just the other day, we went shopping for her a graduation gift. I got her a really nice gift and Mohammed said... honey do you think it would be okay if I just got her a gift from just me I guess, I had a awwww moment and this is just one of the reasons among thousands of other reasons, why I love this man. His dedication to help take care of my daughter is nothing but amazing not just to me but from others who have also noticed. One of the most amazing things to me, is that Mohammed and my ex-husband are really becoming good friends. He offers my ex to come in and sit while he is waiting on his daughter and they just chit chat away about politics and anything else that comes up. Mohammed made it very clear in the beginning before he got to the USA, that he would never interfere in the dad and daughter relationship and would hope that someday he could be apart of that too. Well it didn't take any time for him to be apart of the family and my ex husband says he is a great guy and I am very happy for you both. It's rare to find that the ex's can have a good relationship after divorce, but it's even better when we all can sit in the same room and eat graduation cake and drink punch and laugh about the good ole days of our daughter and her future to come.

Cathi, I think your a wonderful wife and mother, and your dedication to your family really shows in my book. I have heard your tears and witness your pain, and soon you shall deserve that happy ending too. I can't wait to see you and your hubby reunited in your home and sharing what I share with my love each night. I don't look into the future, nor can I read it, but I sure love what I have right now................................................

Edited June 8, 2012 by foreverwaiting

[sandinista! 1,816]

You are, of course, miraculously above all of this, right?

There has to be something else that compels these posts. You can't honestly think there's a single soul here who is going to take this to heart. Why would they, under any circumstances? You have to know this, to have known it for years. This is not learning material for others, I can only imagine it's somehow catharsis for you or something to say these things here. There are better outlets for this, I wish they were accessible to you.

I think that any mom bringing someone over here needs to understand the impact of bringing someone new into the family unit. Too often, these relationships are all about the mom's desired and not enough about the kids. Also, with the divorce rate among these couples after status, its very important that the immigrant spouse realise their impact on the american kids as well. These relationships are a lot more involved because of the fact you are sponsoring someone, they are relocating from a foreign country etc, unlike meeting someone stateside and building a potential relationship or marriage. Too often, it seems as if the relationships do not really incorporate the kids..there is a lot more to parenting than talking on yahoo or skype, and boom, someone is a dad. So many of these guys are not emotionally prepared, as much as we would like to think they are, to come over here, adjust to a new life and then all of the sudden, have a kid thrust on them.

Having been through this journey and I am now 6 years into it, I would advise anyone marrying from overseas like this, petitioning for a foreign spouse to make sure your kids have some kind of support system or counseling. When things are good, they are very very good but when they go south, things can go very badly and yes, it does affect your kids. If the foreign spouse is only it in for papers, that affects the kids for a lifetime. My children became very attached to the man I married. He on the other hand had swung back and forth between caring about them to just caring about himself.

I think that these relationships , if handled incorrectly can cause permanent damage to kids. These men that we are petitioning over, some have never been alone in their whole life, then to be thrust all of the sudden into a new culture with new people and kids to take care of and nurture. I think taking the whole transition very seriously is a given and also its important that the foreign spouse understand just how important it is to be a good step parent to the american kids. I have met very few mena who have been divorced from their american sponsors that continue to keep in touch with the step kids after divorce. I think there is a general perception that perhaps we are more used to divorce etc and its not a big deal to leave or cut off contact afterwards

[sandinista! 1,816]

And pardon my French, but could you be more fcuking patronizing? No one is offering any experiences here in search of your totally unasked for validation! It's like you're holding up scorecards here. Stop it, please. It's interfering with how people interact on this forum, and it's impinging on people who just want to have discussions without unnecessary and inappropriate drama.

Only having one son is actually alot easier than having several and you two are also close in age. Its not like you are in your 40s with teenagers petitioning for someone younger. He is close in age and honestly, that helps.

Not everything that we talk about on here is going to apply to every single situation and its good that you are all helping each other.

Unfortunately , when the goal is more to get here, get status and adjust and get papers, which sometimes happens in these relationships, if the kids develop attachments to the person, it really hurts the kids.. Its hard to bond and then be ripped apart from someone who is a stand in for a father figure...

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

It is quite brave of you to assume that people who sponsor foreign spouses don't think of their children first. I don't normally take anything personal on this site, but how dare you assume that I, or anyone else, puts our children on the back burner for our own needs. Some people certainly do, but I am not one of them. You know nothing about me, or many other people on this site. My sons needs and what is best for him are always the forefront of my thoughts. I would never let a man come before him, and as much as I love my husband, his needs are second to my son's needs, and he has always accepted this. I am also inclined to not take advice from a person who let her and her kids be abused over and over again by a horrible man. The day my husband tries to manipulate/control/abuse me or my son, his azz is out of the house. I don't care how much I love him, I just don't roll like that. Next time you should choose your words better...just because you let yourself/continue to let yourself be manipulated by a man is your problem, and does not mean that every foreign spouse will be like that. Men/people will treat you the way you LET them treat you. And yes, I was in a manipulative/abusive relationship once....I had the sense to get the hell out, in case anyone thinks I don't know what I am talking about.

BRAVO... BRAVO.... Well said!

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

The only thing I have to say that no matter what the thread is on this forum, there are always a select few that feel the need the bring people down just because they have had a bad experience. Not all middle eastern men are nasty and vile and scammers. I will not even reply to the OP as I know, once again, that anything I say, good, bad or indifferent will be torn to shreds. I know who I am, I know my husband and children, and I don't want or need anyone's approval. I love him, he loves me, we love our children....

[/quot

AGREE...

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

My husband and sons get along. It started off slow in the beginning when they first met irl. Now they've gotten to know each other, everyone is older and things are good. I don't live a magical super fantastic life so nothing is amazing or perfect its just good and normal mostly.

I didn't really expose my sons to the immigration process. They knew about my husband and they spoke to him on the phone a few times before he came here. They never knew when we started the visa process, knew nothing about an interview and didn't know he was coming for sure until the visa was stamped in his passport and a ticket was purchased. The wait was hard for me, I didn't want my kids to join me in that. They still to this day don't know what kind of visa he came here with. No reason for them to know.

Exactly...

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

You are, of course, miraculously above all of this, right?

There has to be something else that compels these posts. You can't honestly think there's a single soul here who is going to take this to heart. Why would they, under any circumstances? You have to know this, to have known it for years. This is not learning material for others, I can only imagine it's somehow catharsis for you or something to say these things here. There are better outlets for this, I wish they were accessible to you.

[Amber & Ahmed 133]

And pardon my French, but could you be more fcuking patronizing? No one is offering any experiences here in search of your totally unasked for validation! It's like you're holding up scorecards here. Stop it, please. It's interfering with how people interact on this forum, and it's impinging on people who just want to have discussions without unnecessary and inappropriate drama.

TOTALLY AGREE... Good point.