How to meet people and make friends

[Lonelysoul80 2]

Hi VJers,

I would like some advise as I have been getting frustated with nothing to do and no one to talk to.

I moved to the USA in Dec 2008 not knowing anything about this country or anyone in and around the area. The only person I knew was my husband and what he told me about the country. First few years were fun as I spent a lot of time watching TV and reading now I am not interested in it anymore. I love my husband and he loves me dearly, but I want to make some friends that I can go out and spend time with. My husband sees me staring at the walls and thinks I am sad and tries to do all he can to entertain me. He plans trips putting away his work to get a smile on my face. I dont want him to loose work and clients because of me .

Back home I had friends and we had been friends since kindergarten. I have always been a shy person. I talk to people only once I know them well. I have neighbours that I smile to and the shop owners around my apartment are cool and I say hi and bow my head, but I am unable to start a conversation.

I work from home most of the days as my office is 2 hours away and I visit the office one a month or so. My colleagues suggested I join a group or something near home.

My interests are cooking, traveling, shopping and just sitting and chatting about things. I searched online but could not find anything that fell into these groups.

Any suggestions would be great.

Thank you,

Charel

[Lonelysoul80 2]

Oh forgot to mention:

I am in the Santa Clara, California area

[SweetDelish 38]

if you like cooking, see if you can find a community college nearby and do some cooking classes, try and find a class that isn't just for one night though so you can see the same people more than once.

I haven't moved to the US yet, but I have moved countries before.

[Sandra G. 5,047]

Volunteering can help you make friends, besides the feeling you get helping someone.

Join the group "meet up" in your area and you will have a bunch of friends soon.When I got in the USA I joined the meet up group,I chose five of their groups (wine,painting, night life,snowboard and karaoke)in less than thirty days I had 17 new friends.

http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/santa_clara/

Edited June 6, 2012 by sandranj

[Lonelysoul80 2]

Thank you SweetDelish and sandranj

I am looking at community colleges to see if there a class I can take.

also reviewing the meetupup.com site hopefull I will find a group of interest

Thanks again!

[EminTX 131]

I agree with the others above.

For me, it would be:

1.) Church (or other religious organization where I can be with people of like mind)

2.) http://www.meetup.com/

3.) Class - Either Leisure Learning or at a college.

4.) Some club to make me tackle something I need to do--I have wanted to join Toastmasters for a while. Any other group that will make you a better, more able person is especially good since you'll get a good self esteem boost from it, too.

5.) Get a part time job doing something in my neighborhood that is completely unrelated to what I do now. Since it is not the main part of your income, you can quit when you want but will have had a chance to meet other people.

6.) Get a dog. Walk it. (You can borrow a dog.)

7.) Go for a walk every day. Even if you don't "meet" new people, you can become familiar with some other walkers and share a smile with them each day. At Memorial Park in Houston, there are probably a hundred folks that look forward to waving to (and being waved at by) the squirrel-and-bird-feeding-guy.

8.) Develop a talent or hobby that requires you to buy specialized equipment/supplies and work at it until you excel. You can meet others that share in that at the places you get your stuff at.

9.) Pick SOMEthing about your shyness that cripples you and attack it. Pretend you are acting if you need to. Throughout my youth and in my twenties, I suffered from some crippling shyness of my own. I met a guy in college that had the same problem. He decided to conquer this by joining every club and group at the college--including Lulac and the African American Club and some business club that competes and even debate. He was a huge 2 meter tall white guy. He competed in the ones that had competitions and participated in fundraisers in all of them. He was definately not a shy-guy any more. I copied that later on in my own life and I am certainly better for it.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Some people obviously have a more lax view of what a "friend" is. A "friend" cannot be made in 30 days. Acquaintances, sure, real friends, no. I have plenty of acquaintances but I wouldn't consider any of them "friends" in the same way I would back home. There are 2 or 3 "friends in progress". One I met on here, another I met through work, that's about how it'll work. I do suggest the "meetup" thing to give you something to do and get you out of the house

[EminTX 131]

Some people obviously have a more lax view of what a "friend" is. A "friend" cannot be made in 30 days. Acquaintances, sure, real friends, no.

Casual friends can be just as valid as best friends. The relationship is just different. We can have friends at work (out coworkers who we know we can count on in the job versus the ones that leave us high and dry at every opportunity), friends amongst family members, friends who are neighbors that we know we can call on and help out when evacuations start, friends that we don't talk too much but that know us deeply, game night buddies that we laugh with (and share beers with), and those who know us deeply and accept us for all out faults.

But you can't build a deep friendship with someone you have never met.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Volunteering can be great. Vollunterr Match.org

That site has over 1100 things near Santa Clara. Everything from hosting a foreign student for a year to planting trees. If you have the spare room the foreign student hosting can be a great thing.

[Darnell 8,478]

1. local community college - take a cooking class. walk around the campus, read the notice boards.

2. hit http://www.meetup.com

3. find a local church that has activities, then go.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Casual friends can be just as valid as best friends. The relationship is just different. We can have friends at work (out coworkers who we know we can count on in the job versus the ones that leave us high and dry at every opportunity), friends amongst family members, friends who are neighbors that we know we can call on and help out when evacuations start, friends that we don't talk too much but that know us deeply, game night buddies that we laugh with (and share beers with), and those who know us deeply and accept us for all out faults.

Most of those would be the definition of acquaintance: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/acquaintance The rest are actual friends. You cannot know someone "deeply" in 30 days so the last example isn't really valid with my "30 day" statement. You're mixing friend definitions which isn't a rebuttal to my point. You CAN have all these friends of course... but not in 30 days. THAT is my point. You can make acquaintances in 30 days, but one poster stated "in 30 days I had 17 friends" and I said that 30 days is acquaintances not "friends".. or we have different definitions of what makes someone a good friend... which when I think about it, happens a lot.

[EminTX 131]

We are not dictionaries--we are people. Even using the title of "friend" is a friendly thing to do. Introducing someone to you significant other as "this is Sally, an aquaintance of mine" is pretty cold. But, of course, if you like it, knock yourself out.

Seems to me that the OP wants some social interraction with casual friends and potentially some deep friendship. She is not going to be helped by measuring just how worthy people are of the title of "friend" and how distantly you can categorize them.

Charel, good luck in your upcoming friendships. If you are ever in the Houston area, send me a message and I'd be honored to take you out and see some sights and just laugh and talk for a while.

[littlecrazyangel 1]

Unfortunately I have the same problem. I'm here for 3 years and I don't have any real friends. I work in retail so my schedule is pretty hectic. I have friends at work but I don't go out with them. I did some volunteering and at church there are only old people.

I guess I need more time.

[Lonelysoul80 2]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for the replies and suggestions. I joined meetup but never attended one (been busy with work).

littlecrazyangel - I just joined a few meetup groups that have the same interests. With a schedule like yours (and mine) I am not sure if that is possible

I guess friends are made with time.

Thanks again,

Charel

[Stuart and Thea 95]

Most of those would be the definition of acquaintance: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/acquaintance The rest are actual friends. You cannot know someone "deeply" in 30 days so the last example isn't really valid with my "30 day" statement. You're mixing friend definitions which isn't a rebuttal to my point. You CAN have all these friends of course... but not in 30 days. THAT is my point. You can make acquaintances in 30 days, but one poster stated "in 30 days I had 17 friends" and I said that 30 days is acquaintances not "friends".. or we have different definitions of what makes someone a good friend... which when I think about it, happens a lot.

I met my best friend and became friends with her in 30 minutes. I met another friend when we ran into each other with our bicycles and became friends in 5. I am not friends with everyone I wave at, but some of them you have a connection with. It depends on personality, and mutual interests. Making friends for kids is easy, because they don't have any expectations to get anything out of being friendly. If you meet someone and you like them, they are friendly, then strike up a conversation and see what you have in common. Tell them that you'd love to see them again if it's true. I moved a lot as a kid, and realised that you do not make friends by sitting quietly while the world passes you by, or waiting for someone else to make the first move.

Mothers will walk their children over to a stranger's house to introduce their children and ask if they can play. Guess what? Those children become friends immediately. If you look up aquaintance, it will show you a synonym: friend. It's not the people that you wave at, you're friendly with them, it's the people that you take one step further with, and talk to and enjoy and spend time with. But it starts with that first conversation. When you think back to all of your friends in your life, and ask yourself when was it that we became friends? We don't say, oh, I spent time with her and 30-40 days later, decided we were friends. You say, oh we met here, and liked each other immediately and became friends. Yes, there may be some people you don't immediately become friends with but do later? But that delay? It's because you didn't take the time to try, until then. So, how to make friends? Go out and get them.

There's been great suggestions here as to how to find like minded people, who you might enjoy being friends with. Let me add a few that weren't mentioned. If you enjoy excercise, join a yoga class or a walking/running group. Go to a senior's centre and talk to an elder. Knock on someone's door who has a garden you admire and ask them to show it to you. Host a block party and ask your neighbours to help. Join the neighbourhood association, if that's too much work for you. Talk to people online, even if you've never met you can be friends with someone, I have a few friends online that I would love to meet but haven't yet, and I did meet my husband by talking to him online in a game... Just use every opportunity you can to make friends, and the ones you want to pursue, do so! The more you develop a friendship, the better it is!