Messaging another woman on facebook

[rade2rising 205]

this is normal behaviour the truth is if you ever read every single MSG about your gf or bf you will break up over and over

some things are just what they are

let it be

[EasternDE 35]

Hello all.

I donno if its directly related to the K1 visa but I still need advise. My fiance came to Miami to see me on a tourist visa while we have the K1 processing. So today I borrowed his laptop for class and when i went to facebook, he was still logged in. Since he had read my facebook messages before, i thought I would do the same for fun. To my dismay, I came across a conversation between him and a girl about whom i had already questioned him. He told me that he met her once and that she really wanted to get with him but he never found her attractive. Anyways, I started reading the conversation (which was dated recently and while he was here with me) and the conversation went something like this:

girl: i'm drunk and u are super cute

him: thanks

girl: i really like you (something along those lines)

him: but i though u liked my friend better

girl: no i dont like the #######, i like the sweet guys like u

girl: you have a gf right?

him: yeah

girl: man i have bad luck

him: too bad, i have a big one, u would have enjoyed it.

girl: wow

him: just because i'm a nice guy, doesn't mean i cant satisfy

girl: dude, u have a gf

(mind you, he did not even bother to tell her that he has been engaged for two months now)

and it continued along those lines. I confronted him and told him to delete her from his friends how explained how inappropriate and disrespectful that was. He explained that he sees her as a friend and that they always joke like that with her. I got really mad since he is offering his "you-know-what" to a girl who is drunk and obsessed with him. I did not see it as an apropriate joke between friends. So he got furious with me saying that I'm crazy and over-reacting. Did I over-react, am i really going crazy? i dont even know anymore

My concern also is will these messages have a potential to be seen by the USCIS and would they have an impact on our K1 disicion?

Well, hrm, I don't agree with the other french poster, I think there's just as much cheating in France as in the US, or in any other country. But that's not the topic.

But I'm a little concerned here. Was the conversation in French or in English? I'm a little worried that some things got lost in the translation.

While I find american humor very "ahaha puke ahaha poop ahaha pee ahaha fart ah ah ah...", french humor is all about sex...

A relationship in the french way involves a lot more seduction than in the american way, at work, in friendship, everywhere, and this might be hard for an american person to understand.

The conversation you describe is the typical 20ish years old french dork talking to a girl he doesn't care about. The "I have a big one enough for two" joke is a VERY typical one...

How old is your man? I wouldn't be concerned about cheating but about his maturity... Doesn't sound like a guy ready to get married with all the commitments it involves.

[PMartin37 161]

Hello all.

I donno if its directly related to the K1 visa but I still need advise. My fiance came to Miami to see me on a tourist visa while we have the K1 processing. So today I borrowed his laptop for class and when i went to facebook, he was still logged in. Since he had read my facebook messages before, i thought I would do the same for fun. To my dismay, I came across a conversation between him and a girl about whom i had already questioned him. He told me that he met her once and that she really wanted to get with him but he never found her attractive. Anyways, I started reading the conversation (which was dated recently and while he was here with me) and the conversation went something like this:

girl: i'm drunk and u are super cute

him: thanks

girl: i really like you (something along those lines)

him: but i though u liked my friend better

girl: no i dont like the #######, i like the sweet guys like u

girl: you have a gf right?

him: yeah

girl: man i have bad luck

him: too bad, i have a big one, u would have enjoyed it.

girl: wow

him: just because i'm a nice guy, doesn't mean i cant satisfy

girl: dude, u have a gf

(mind you, he did not even bother to tell her that he has been engaged for two months now)

and it continued along those lines. I confronted him and told him to delete her from his friends how explained how inappropriate and disrespectful that was. He explained that he sees her as a friend and that they always joke like that with her. I got really mad since he is offering his "you-know-what" to a girl who is drunk and obsessed with him. I did not see it as an apropriate joke between friends. So he got furious with me saying that I'm crazy and over-reacting. Did I over-react, am i really going crazy? i dont even know anymore

My concern also is will these messages have a potential to be seen by the USCIS and would they have an impact on our K1 disicion?

I'm curious if he found a similar conversation between you and a male on your friend's list if he would be upset? If it's merely "friendly" conversation he wouldn't have cause to be irrational and crazy about it right?

[PMartin37 161]

This good guy is going to be ridden by his fiancée /wife and other lucky ladies simultaneously for a looooong time. And they said nice guys finish last.

Actually, men that feel a need to talk BIG about their size, in reality have little to talk about.

[JohnR! 5,495]

1338407682[/url]' post='5408898']

My concern also is will these messages have a potential to be seen by the USCIS and would they have an impact on our K1 disicion?

There's always a chance someone else may see these messages but it is a remote one. It seems everyone has their personal lives on the web these days and that pretty much does away with any presumption of privacy.

[BrockUK 26]

Ah Facebook! Where relationships are broken and united. Soon there maybe an app where they can virtually wed you! If not, I'm gonna patent it!

[Lilyena 10]

Well, hrm, I don't agree with the other french poster, I think there's just as much cheating in France as in the US, or in any other country. But that's not the topic.

But I'm a little concerned here. Was the conversation in French or in English? I'm a little worried that some things got lost in the translation.

While I find american humor very "ahaha puke ahaha poop ahaha pee ahaha fart ah ah ah...", french humor is all about sex...

A relationship in the french way involves a lot more seduction than in the american way, at work, in friendship, everywhere, and this might be hard for an american person to understand.

The conversation you describe is the typical 20ish years old french dork talking to a girl he doesn't care about. The "I have a big one enough for two" joke is a VERY typical one...

How old is your man? I wouldn't be concerned about cheating but about his maturity... Doesn't sound like a guy ready to get married with all the commitments it involves.

I have to disagree with you on this. If you're not mature then you might be cheating. This conversation could mean nothing as it could as well be flirting.

This is not an appropriate conversation to have when you're engaged. AND while this is typical french humour, I do not think it should be seen as an excuse to accept unappropirate behaviour. It is exaclty what I meant when I said it was in the french culture.

Plus I didnt say more cheating occured in French than in the US, I said it was more accepted in the French culture, it was more normal in France and people dont see it as a big deal.

See the reactions in France after the DSK case; there is plenty of litterature about it.

IMO it is a cultural thing, it is unappropriate and it is not acceptable when you are engaged.

There is also a BIG difference between the sex jokes that are common in France that are NOT flirty, but just gross, and the sex jokes that mean something. Speaking about how big your thing is to another girl is obviously in the second category.

[Boiler 45,558]

It would be expected for a French Politician to have a mistress or two in France.

As far as the US is concerned, look what happened to John Edwards!

[aaydrian 479]

Actually, men that feel a need to talk BIG about their size, in reality have little to talk about.

Not this guy. His schlong is the stuff female AND male fantasies are made of, a melon between the legs that leaves the lucky ladies walking like a cowboy.

It would be expected for a French Politician to have a mistress or two in France.

As far as the US is concerned, look what happened to John Edwards!

A dead wife and reclusive mistress. Future of OP...?

Edited May 31, 2012 by aaydrian

[Trishy_N_J 23]

I second what Lilyena said.

She was putting an emphasis on the macho way of French men, EasternDE. Not about France having more divorce than the US.

What matters down the line is that if to the lady, this behavior is not acceptable, then it should not be tolerated. Respect is non-negotiable.

The fact that he calls her crazy is not a good sign. He should be apologetic now that he knows that in her books, it crosses the boundaries. How about "I didn't know it bothered you so much, I won't do it again. In France, we men are used to ..."

LoveUnrestricted: Tell him that if this is the way men talk to women in France, fine, but that it bothers you. If he blames you, he's deviating the source of the conflict. I don't think that's right.

It's really hard dating people of different cultures. It requires a lot of patience and understanding . That's why, if you want to make this work, you will have to communicate how you feel about it. Some things get lost in translation. In some countries, the man might be the boss, but in other countries we like to see ourselves as equal (not to confuse with 'the same'). 'You don't flirt with people, I don't flirt with people'.

It's better to set the boundaries NOW than later. Once they are determined, it will be easier to see if you're BOTH ok with it. Maybe he wants a lot of freedom to just 'flirt' but maybe that's just not ok with you.

Also, don't take everything that is said here to face value (ou a prendre avec un grain de sel si tu preferes). We only know what you tell us. If the discussion is translated it might also affect the 'tone' of the conversation he was having. He could have been messing with her, being a tease, because she might have done the same to him in the past. A way to say 'too bad girl, you missed the lucky train'. Or he could just be a jerk. You will find out for yourself, but be thorough in your investigation since marriage is a big thing and so is immigration. Since you're on the receiving end of the immigration process, you would also be financially responsible for him.

[MyLittlePony 340]

Ditch the entire operation and make a fresh start in life.

[LoveUnrestricted 4]

Thank you all for the responses. All I really wanted to know is whether this kind of information can be accessed by USCIS or will it hurt our chances. As some of you have said that it doesn't, I feel a lot better.

Concerning the relationship advise: Thank you, and I did tell him that his actions were inappropriate and that that is not the way to joke with other women. He was totally clueless of why, but after some explaining he understood and apologized. He explained to me that he really didn't mean to flirt with her (and didn't even notice that she took it as flirting lol) and that he was just making fun of her drunken attempts. So it is all resolved, and he deleted her immediately and promised that if it bothers me he will not do it again. He feels really bad.

Communication is key in a relationship. But if one person still does not understand, then some convincing is in order. (I actually had to use your responses to show him that its not just me lol). It was also a cultural difference I guess.

[TBoneTX 45,329]

This is great news, si man. Thanks for the detailed closure, and good luck to both of you.

[Peace.... 281]

Thank you all for the responses. All I really wanted to know is whether this kind of information can be accessed by USCIS or will it hurt our chances. As some of you have said that it doesn't, I feel a lot better.

Concerning the relationship advise: Thank you, and I did tell him that his actions were inappropriate and that that is not the way to joke with other women. He was totally clueless of why, but after some explaining he understood and apologized. He explained to me that he really didn't mean to flirt with her (and didn't even notice that she took it as flirting lol) and that he was just making fun of her drunken attempts. So it is all resolved, and he deleted her immediately and promised that if it bothers me he will not do it again. He feels really bad.

Communication is key in a relationship. But if one person still does not understand, then some convincing is in order. (I actually had to use your responses to show him that its not just me lol). It was also a cultural difference I guess.

Hello, I just wanted you and those of you who feel that chats/emails etc cannot be looked at are wrong. In Morocco, during my fiances interview, he was presented with a piece of paper pertaining chats from 2006 with a girl he had chatted with in the USA. Did they not only ask him about this girl, they knew her name, her present address and her cell phone number. They asked my fiance, so tell me about this girl and have you since been in contact with her via phone, email, yahoo, etc. before applying for this K1. My fiance told the CO about her and then they asked if your fiance knew about this girl. The chats were from yahoo and msn and they were deleted years ago before I even met my now husband, so not only did they have his deleted chats they questioned him on it.

So YES it can happen...

[Penny Lane 8,159]

this is normal behaviour the truth is if you ever read every single MSG about your gf or bf you will break up over and over

some things are just what they are

let it be

Normal behavior for who?

If it bothers the OP, she should NOT let it go.

Thank you all for the responses. All I really wanted to know is whether this kind of information can be accessed by USCIS or will it hurt our chances. As some of you have said that it doesn't, I feel a lot better.

Concerning the relationship advise: Thank you, and I did tell him that his actions were inappropriate and that that is not the way to joke with other women. He was totally clueless of why, but after some explaining he understood and apologized. He explained to me that he really didn't mean to flirt with her (and didn't even notice that she took it as flirting lol) and that he was just making fun of her drunken attempts. So it is all resolved, and he deleted her immediately and promised that if it bothers me he will not do it again. He feels really bad.

Communication is key in a relationship. But if one person still does not understand, then some convincing is in order. (I actually had to use your responses to show him that its not just me lol). It was also a cultural difference I guess.

Glad things have worked out for you. I will never understand why people suggest other people to "let things go" in a relationship, especially in a marriage. If people ignore everything that bothers them, then that begins to fester and eventually turns to resentment and arguments. If you can't talk to your partner about your thoughts and feelings, then you're doomed.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Evylin