Our Humble Home

[rade2rising 205]

make sure he dont throw his wrappers on the floor lolzzz

[Penny Lane 8,159]

I could never, ever live in that space. It's small, cramped, cluttered and dirty. This husband of yours (judging by this thread and the birth control one) seems to be the one in control of everything. If you don't want to live like that, you need to change your relationship and change your environment.

When I moved in to our house, after my husband had been living in it alone for a year, I cleaned everything. He isn't into decorating, really, so I had free reign to throw things out, organize them the way I wanted. The only room I left alone was the den, which is full of his stuff. That's his space to call his own and to do with whatever he'd like.

This is not how intelligent people live. This is how dirty people live.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Evylin

[Adriene H 89]

  On 6/1/2012 at 5:52 PM, Evylin said:

I could never, ever live in that space. It's small, cramped, cluttered and dirty. This husband of yours (judging by this thread and the birth control one) seems to be the one in control of everything. If you don't want to live like that, you need to change your relationship and change your environment.

When I moved in to our house, after my husband had been living in it alone for a year, I cleaned everything. He isn't into decorating, really, so I had free reign to throw things out, organize them the way I wanted. The only room I left alone was the den, which is full of his stuff. That's his space to call his own and to do with whatever he'd like.

This is not how intelligent people live. This is how dirty people live.

Yea I have the feeling I'm reaching some sort of breaking point where

things have got to change or I need to take action and control in my

life. We've been living in one room since January 2011. I've tried to

talk to him, and still do ... but most often, the reply is something

along the lines of "These are your issues. You figure it out."

[Holly2234 66]

I cant help but wonder where you both sleep! I know if my husband and i were in a single bed we would fight like cat and dog

Do you live in an expensive area? Is that why a small space is necessary? Or is this his old bachelor room that he isnt giving up? This is not the room of a married couple. My bedroom is horrendous at the moment. Not dirty, just full of boxes of things i'm selling in anticipation of our move, but i do at least have the rest of the house that is not like that!

Forgive me if im out of line saying this, but after reading both of your recent threads, you seem to be giving up sooo much but not really gaining anything... If my husband told me "You figure it out" after making me live like that for a year and a half i would say "Ok" and i'd be off to the airport.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

My boyfriend lives in a tiny (~300 sq ft) apartment and he has really made the most of it. Granted he does have a full (if small) galley kitchen which you don't appear to have, but it is tiny. I don't mind spending the weekend there with him, but I would NOT want to make that our permanent abode! He prefers to live in a small space, and I prefer to live in a larger one, so we will eventually have to work out how that will pan out when we move in together.

Anyway, he has managed to fit into his apartment a double bed, ample shelving and storage, a sofabed that pulls out should he have friends who want to stay over, a dining table with seating for four, a study/workspace, a full entertainment set up (he uses a projector and screen to save on TV space -- the screen hangs over the workspace and all of his stuff for making chocolate (roaster, grinder, etc). It doesn't feel that small when you're in there because he's used furniture to delineate separate parts of the room (sleeping/leisure/dining). He's also a neat person, which probably helps.

Here's how he planned his space out, more or less:

A few things are different -- the table is not as big as it looks, and he has three chairs around it so it is flush with the wall. Where he has the TV on the near wall in the picture is a wall of shelving. It looks tight, and it is, but it doesn't feel like it.

[Adriene H 89]

  On 6/1/2012 at 7:00 PM, Holly2234 said:

I cant help but wonder where you both sleep! I know if my husband and i were in a single bed we would fight like cat and dog

Do you live in an expensive area? Is that why a small space is necessary? Or is this his old bachelor room that he isnt giving up? This is not the room of a married couple. My bedroom is horrendous at the moment. Not dirty, just full of boxes of things i'm selling in anticipation of our move, but i do at least have the rest of the house that is not like that!

Forgive me if im out of line saying this, but after reading both of your recent threads, you seem to be giving up sooo much but not really gaining anything... If my husband told me "You figure it out" after making me live like that for a year and a half i would say "Ok" and i'd be off to the airport.

Well let's see. We used to both try and sleep in the single bed, but

finally gave up on that in June 2011. Since then, I've been sleeping

on the bed and he sleeps with his body on our tiny loveseat, and for his

legs, he pulls the other living room chair up close to the loveseat.

I hate it. We've almost been married for one year and we haven't slept

in the same bed for nearly all of it. But I seem to be the only one

bothered by it. Doesn't seem to bother him at all.

He's lived in this room for 3-4 years. It's £80 a week. I've seen personal

ads posted for fully furnished 2 bedroom places .. just saw one for £85 weekly.

I asked him once why don't we move and he says he'd have to get together a deposit

and stuff.

[Adriene H 89]

  On 6/1/2012 at 7:25 PM, Honey Crumpet said:

My boyfriend lives in a tiny (~300 sq ft) apartment and he has really made the most of it. Granted he does have a full (if small) galley kitchen which you don't appear to have, but it is tiny. I don't mind spending the weekend there with him, but I would NOT want to make that our permanent abode! He prefers to live in a small space, and I prefer to live in a larger one, so we will eventually have to work out how that will pan out when we move in together.

I think the magic is that awesome looking shelf with the cubby holes

to keep all the little things from cluttering up the room. I can see

he uses his neatness trait very well!

We do have a kind of kitchenette area ... It has a counter for our

miniature oven, toaster, and kettle to sit on. Then we have a fridge

and the microwave lives on top of the fridge. The we have a kitchen

sink with a cupboard positioned above it where if I'm not careful,

I bump my head when washing the dishes.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Adriene H

[Holly2234 66]

  On 6/1/2012 at 7:52 PM, Adriene H said:

Well let's see. We used to both try and sleep in the single bed, but

finally gave up on that in June 2011. Since then, I've been sleeping

on the bed and he sleeps with his body on our tiny loveseat, and for his

legs, he pulls the other living room chair up close to the loveseat.

I hate it. We've almost been married for one year and we haven't slept

in the same bed for nearly all of it. But I seem to be the only one

bothered by it. Doesn't seem to bother him at all.

He's lived in this room for 3-4 years. It's £80 a week. I've seen personal

ads posted for fully furnished 2 bedroom places .. just saw one for £85 weekly.

I asked him once why don't we move and he says he'd have to get together a deposit

and stuff.

Wow i dont envy you that!

My two bedroom semi is £450 a month and thats only because we needed a house and this one was available. Its not exactly the best deal though! Two bedrooms can be as little as £350 in most areas if youre willing to compromise on area. I know deposits can be a big drawback but the councils do a bond scheme where they make a contract with the landlord rather than you paying the deposit. If you can find a landlord who accepts it, no problem. There are also properties you can find on Gumtree.com and stuff that dont need deposits. Normally need a good clean and painting though. Not saying you should move if you dont want to or anything! Just throwing a couple of things out there.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Holly2234

[*Snowdrop* 604]

  On 6/1/2012 at 7:52 PM, Adriene H said:

Well let's see. We used to both try and sleep in the single bed, but

finally gave up on that in June 2011. Since then, I've been sleeping

on the bed and he sleeps with his body on our tiny loveseat, and for his

legs, he pulls the other living room chair up close to the loveseat.

I hate it. We've almost been married for one year and we haven't slept

in the same bed for nearly all of it. But I seem to be the only one

bothered by it. Doesn't seem to bother him at all.

He's lived in this room for 3-4 years. It's £80 a week. I've seen personal

ads posted for fully furnished 2 bedroom places .. just saw one for £85 weekly.

I asked him once why don't we move and he says he'd have to get together a deposit

and stuff.

OMG - now that is crazy - you need a double or at least a full sized bed ASAP. You're probably both sleep deprived which can't be helping anything.

[Adriene H 89]

  On 6/1/2012 at 9:09 PM, *Lynne* said:

OMG - now that is crazy - you need a double or at least a full sized bed ASAP. You're probably both sleep deprived which can't be helping anything.

Our sleep isn't synched up at all.

I try my best to get to bed as early as I can

so I can get household stuff done during the day.

The one laundry place we have within walking distance

closes at like 700 PM ...

Majority of stores close at 530-600 PM.

I almost always need a full 8 hours sleep to function.

He seems to get by on 5-6 hours ... so of course he's

puttering about on the laptop or watching a movie on TV

while I'm trying to sleep. It doesn't work too well

If I sleep in super late because I couldn't fall asleep until

the wee hours of the morning, then it's hard to get the shopping

or laundry done ... but it just feels like my hands are tied.

I've begged him that I need to get into bed just a little bit earlier

so I can get stuff done during the day.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

  On 6/1/2012 at 9:09 PM, *Lynne* said:

OMG - now that is crazy - you need a double or at least a full sized bed ASAP. You're probably both sleep deprived which can't be helping anything.

Just looked back at your photos - is the furniture yours or does it belong to the landlord?

I'm saying yours rather than his because I think by now - you've been living there over a year and are married - it's all yours as much as his now.

Also back to one of my original questions - how much will he mind change if he doesn't actually have to make any effort himself?

It might not seem fair that you have to do all the work but by now it could be the best way to get a living situation which is more pleasant for you. I imagine as you are not working yet because of immigration issues that you are the one spending a lot of time in the apartment.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

  On 6/1/2012 at 9:09 PM, *Lynne* said:

OMG - now that is crazy - you need a double or at least a full sized bed ASAP. You're probably both sleep deprived which can't be helping anything.

I know! I find even a double bed can be overly small. (But then again I am a dissolute, spoilt American princess.)

This living situation is untenable. Either you both move soon, or your marriage isn't going to last much longer.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

  On 6/1/2012 at 6:49 PM, Adriene H said:

Yea I have the feeling I'm reaching some sort of breaking point where

things have got to change or I need to take action and control in my

life. We've been living in one room since January 2011. I've tried to

talk to him, and still do ... but most often, the reply is something

along the lines of "These are your issues. You figure it out."

I am really sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how frustrating and lonely it must feel. Your well being and happiness shouldn't only be YOUR issue, it should be an issue your husband is concerned with as well.

[Adriene H 89]

  On 6/1/2012 at 9:19 PM, *Lynne* said:

Just looked back at your photos - is the furniture yours or does it belong to the landlord?

I'm saying yours rather than his because I think by now - you've been living there over a year and are married - it's all yours as much as his now.

Also back to one of my original questions - how much will he mind change if he doesn't actually have to make any effort himself?

It might not seem fair that you have to do all the work but by now it could be the best way to get a living situation which is more pleasant for you. I imagine as you are not working yet because of immigration issues that you are the one spending a lot of time in the apartment.

I think a couple pieces (the wardrobe and loveseat) came with the bedsit.

I think a few other pieces, he just accumulated from somewhere, maybe

as folks moved out of the other units.

The little desk and chair by the big window with the red curtains I

bought with my own money about 6 months ago. They were cheap but

functional from Argos.

You are indeed correct ... I'm usually always in our cave or going to

the local shops when he gets hungry.

He just had a birthday. His father asked him what he wanted, and he asked

for a new laptop. I was hoping he'd ask for a new bed, but I don't blame

him for wanting a new laptop. He was using my old one that I brought with

me from California, and it was so old, it barely ran Facebook games.

I don't know though. I envy couples that get to wake up next to one another.

I try not to think of the reality. If I do, I just start to feel a little ill.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

  On 6/1/2012 at 9:30 PM, Adriene H said:

I think a couple pieces (the wardrobe and loveseat) came with the bedsit.

I think a few other pieces, he just accumulated from somewhere, maybe

as folks moved out of the other units.

The little desk and chair by the big window with the red curtains I

bought with my own money about 6 months ago. They were cheap but

functional from Argos.

You are indeed correct ... I'm usually always in our cave or going to

the local shops when he gets hungry.

He just had a birthday. His father asked him what he wanted, and he asked

for a new laptop. I was hoping he'd ask for a new bed, but I don't blame

him for wanting a new laptop. He was using my old one that I brought with

me from California, and it was so old, it barely ran Facebook games.

I don't know though. I envy couples that get to wake up next to one another.

I try not to think of the reality. If I do, I just start to feel a little ill.

I think if you want to you can turn this around and make that place much better - which will put you in a better frame of mind ahead of resolving the immigration stuff and job hunting which in turn will lead to more income and a better place.

But looks like you might be the one doing all the work, at least to begin with and possibly always (and if you can be okay with that, then that's okay. Everyone's relationship is different and we should all do what works for us)