Looking for advice from the Veteran VJ RUB Couples

[cluelessinny 2]

Make sure your fiance understands the relationship you have, and intent to continue having with your daughter, emotional as well as financial. It is important to discuss how you both plan to deal with this other woman in your lives. Unfortunately, many (not all) RUB men sever ties with their children when they split with their ex-wives, and your new wife may have certain expectations that differ from yours. Some (not all) RUB women consider children from a previous marriage to be the ex-wife's problem, and may resent affection and money spent on your children, especially daughters.

Your new wife probably will be unprepared for how much everything costs in the US, especially the things that are more reasonable (or free) over there. It will be a shock how much of your salary goes towards housing, taxes, insurance, utilites, heathcare, transportation, education, etc.

WOW,thanks for that. i have a daughter and many misunderstanding over visitation and support. i tried to explain using her friends as examples but it never helped...to know it is different makes it easier...i look at things the american way..i can't be with my daughter 24 -7, so i won't be a deadbeat dad..I tell my wife about our wishes for family, but need to be a dad for my daughter otherwise i just talk the game... And worry if i am not a strong father figure,,my daughters next stop is teen age momma and pole dancing for diapers.. BTW she is 5,,i can't believe i already worry about this

[mendeleev 68]

There have been some very good comments here already. I won't reiterate them.

Your fiancee is leaving a family behind that will stay a part of her.

It seems like a lot of spouses here make a clean break of the Motherland and family and personal connections there, but some do not.

Are you prepared for it if your spouse needs to spend a lot of time back in her homeland? If it needs to be an option for her, can it be practical to fulfill that need? Can the household budget withstand expenses associated with occasional, or even rather frequent, trips back to Russia? Can you cope with her absences, if she needs to be away? It may be important that those answers are affirmative.

Life here is really different, mostly easier, but in some ways not as easy. And it may be very foreign for your fiancee for a very, very long time. It isn't always something to get over.

I'm able to be a sole breadwinner and my wife has opted not to try to enter our lousy job market. For some couples this isn't optional. Is it optional for you? Does she know about this, either way?

My wife spends a great deal of time in Russia. Just now, she's on her most recent trip there and has been away for 12 weeks. Since she encountered a very close relative with a terminal illness; she is staying put indefinitely. Indeed, I need to get myself over there as soon as reasonably possible. These are matters that may be before many of us, unpleasant though it can be to contemplate it.

[MishaMoose 2]

Is anyone here familiar with this book? "Welcome to America: The Complete Guide for Immigrants. "

It is pricey ($69.95) and a long read BUT in is in both English and Russian on facing pages. What I have read thus far seems to be very well done. I wil be taking it to Zhenya on my next visit so we can use it as a reference and conversation starter.

Amazon carries it but it is currently our of stock. ( http://www.amazon.com/Welcome-America-Complete-Guide-Immigrants/dp/0972788808 ) I am in no way affiliated with Amazon or the auhtors and publishers of this book 8^) I just thought it was a great resource.

Best of luck to all!

Misha (fingers crossed that Zhenya wil finally have custody of Krintina in June so we can actually start the paper work!)

Here is thier blurb about it:

This book fills the information void for people new to the US. Although it was written primarily for immigrants, we are sure that international students, businesspeople, and others who come to the US for extended periods of time will also find it useful because there are very few books on this subject and non of them covers all the issues important to new American residents in such details.

The book explains how to:

• rent an apartment

• buy a car

• open a bank account

• establish a credit history

• find a job

• pay taxes

• control your income and expenses

• get an education

• buy a home

• and much more

In addition to being an excellent reference source for newcomers in the US, Welcome to America also gives them an opportunity to practice reading and understanding English. Russian speakers will find the book's unique bilingual format especially valuable. It has English text and its Russian translation on opposite pages.

[rika60607 215]

Arrange for her to get a driver's license - she will feel better if she's free to explore the area. Find her a good driving school (may be with a Russian speaking instructor?) rather than teaching yourself, this will save you some worries and make her a better driver

[1HappyGuy 45]

Is anyone here familiar with this book? "Welcome to America: The Complete Guide for Immigrants. "

It is pricey ($69.95) and a long read BUT in is in both English and Russian on facing pages. What I have read thus far seems to be very well done. I wil be taking it to Zhenya on my next visit so we can use it as a reference and conversation starter.

I don't know about that book, but the USCIS has a Welcome to America guide that you can download. It comes in various languages including Russian. I printed it out years ago and placed it in a three ring binder for my new wife. It is a great source and explains a lot of things about America.

Here is the link: http://www.uscis.gov/files/nativedocuments/M-618_r.pdf

As you can see, it is in pdf form so you can download it to your computer and either print it out or save it and email as a pdf file.

[MishaMoose 2]

I don't know about that book, but the USCIS has a Welcome to America guide that you can download. It comes in various languages including Russian. I printed it out years ago and placed it in a three ring binder for my new wife. It is a great source and explains a lot of things about America.

Here is the link: http://www.uscis.gov/files/nativedocuments/M-618_r.pdf

As you can see, it is in pdf form so you can download it to your computer and either print it out or save it and email as a pdf file.

Many Thanks! Every little bit helps and this is a big one!

[Neonred 3,564]

There have been some very good comments here already. I won't reiterate them.

Your fiancee is leaving a family behind that will stay a part of her.

It seems like a lot of spouses here make a clean break of the Motherland and family and personal connections there, but some do not.

That's my wife. She does call to Russia every few months when I remind her. Otherwise she LOVES our city in Florida. She enjoys traveling, but wants to go to interesting and pretty places, not back to Russia.

[Derek & Rita 6]

Thank You for your very good advice... I must say that I agree with what you are saying here... As I have learned this already from my time with her; as in not to apply stereotypes because often they didn't match her at all. That's why I say that sometimes I forget that we are from 2 different countries, because what I see is "just her"... sometimes that has a Russian flavor to it, but often not. So yeah, its the woman and who she is that I love and want to marry... I have also learned from her and her family that at the core, we are very much the same as human beings... Just different experiences, expressions, etc... and I have ALOT of respect for them...

She's just a woman, so don't treat her has your "russian wife" but rather your "lovely wife". I asked my brother how he was able to manage his successful marriage. He said it's all about having common goals. I think that's basically it. Set goals for the both of yourselves and work towards them together. Since she won't be able to immediately contribute to earning income, she can contribute by managing the finances, keeping your expenditures low, stuff like that. Make sure she feels appreciated. Heck, mark a few days on your calendar a month just to show her your appreciation if you aren't naturally appreciative.

[Brad and Vika 129]

I find that lots of calm works, and patience has been helpful. We have been married about 3.5 years, and knew each other a year or so before that. Vika and I definitely have the normal range of guy/girl issues, and find that there are cultural issues on top of those (less as time goes on). Over the top of that there are things relating to our age difference (about seventeen years).

I would say we are very happily married. There is one thing I think we share with most others posting here that are happy together - sometimes it is best to let things go. Another way of saying this is "happy wife, happy life". If she thinks she really needs something, or needs things a particular way, let her have it. Unless her way is super expensive or otherwise painful, let her do what she wants and figure it out. I do voice opinions and advise her, and we do mostly make decisions together, but if she feels very strongly about a situation or thing I tend to just be supportive and let her go with it. At first you will have do be more of a director, but as she gets used to things here you may find you don't need to.

Another tendency I see is that my wife and her Ukrainian girlfriends all seem to quickly make any disagreement into a zero-sum discussion. I gather this is because in her home culture, admissions and apologies can be seen as weakness, so compromising or admitting you are wrong mean you lose. An easy way do diffuse problems, and avoid goofy sounding rationalizations, is to just not engage. My two cents :-)

[slim 1,525]

FOR THE VETERAN VJ RUB COUPLES:

Okay, I am opening myself up to God knows what here... But I guess I will ask anyway...

I have scoured the 175 page "RUB Forum" (I still am) and reading through old threads and trying to follow the progress... Some of you are still active here after MANY years... So I am interested in what you have to say all these years later...

Here are my Questions:

You that went through the immigration, culture shock, acclimation process, and are still happily married;

I guess that counts me out.

[Neonred 3,564]

I guess that counts me out.

Me too. The reason my wife won't leave me? She doesn't want to see me happy.

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

Me too. The reason my wife won't leave me? She doesn't want to see me happy.

i'm starting to wonder if my wife is russian now.

[Brad and Vika 129]

i'm starting to wonder if my wife is russian now.

Some things seem to span cultures and oceans

[james&olya 1,121]

That's my wife. She does call to Russia every few months when I remind her. Otherwise she LOVES our city in Florida. She enjoys traveling, but wants to go to interesting and pretty places, not back to Russia.

My wife loves it here, says she feels more at home now than ever before in her life! She has no interest in traveling back to Russia to visit. She wants to see the USA and other non FSU countries. I tell her I want to see more of Russia, especially the rural areas. She says No! She is on Skype almost daily with her mother and sometimes her friends. Her mother will make her 3rd trip here in August (we have only been married one year, our anniversary was yesterday!)

I agree with those who say that she must learn to drive, get her license, and have a car to drive. It also helps to have work or school lined up. For us the biggest thing by far is raising our children together. My teenage boys and her teenage son and 3y/o daughter are quickly becoming a close family! We are still getting to know each other but my very first impressions of who she was from her 'profile' in the mail-order bride catalog ( ) have turned out to be completely correct! We share far more in our personal values and desired lifestyle than we do with the average person from our respective birth countries. We have had misunderstandings here and there but that is inherent in all close relationships.

To the OP I would say be patient. No two relationships are the same. Only you and your wife can determine what is right for your relationship. Who you both are as individuals is far more important than the fact you grew up in different countries. The USA and Russia share far more in cultural values than we have as differences.

[titantom 2]

Whew... so many replies and just now found the time to respond... So here goes...

randye80:

Make sure your fiance understands the relationship you have, and intent to continue having with your daughter, emotional as well as financial. It is important to discuss how you both plan to deal with this other woman in your lives. Unfortunately, many (not all) RUB men sever ties with their children when they split with their ex-wives, and your new wife may have certain expectations that differ from yours. Some (not all) RUB women consider children from a previous marriage to be the ex-wife's problem, and may resent affection and money spent on your children, especially daughters.

I think we are okay here... She knows this scenario well, and she likes the fact that I am in my daughter's life, even from 1000 miles away... I even think this sort of attracted her to me in some way. But she also knows where each person's place is; as in that my daughter must respect and obey her, because she is the adult, my wife, and it's her home. So hopefully we won't have too much conflict there. Heck, its more likely they will gang up on me when I say "No" to both of them... We also want to have our own kids too... maybe in a couple of years, after we are settled...

Novotul:

It seems like a lot of spouses here make a clean break of the Motherland and family and personal connections there, but some do not.

Naturally, I hope we don't have such a situation where she goes back for extended time without me. I also don't live anywhere near my family, but closer than her of course. I will be the sole breadwinner for now, but I know she wants to work and I hope she can do what she wants to do here (photography), as she does in Russia. I hope she can start a business like this, and I want to help any way I can. We hope to return yearly to visit and/or have her mother visit us here in the US. But I understand that life happens and plans don't turn out the way you think... never thought I would be where I am now, but here I am.

I like this saying... its my motto I guess... "If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done."

rika60607:

Arrange for her to get a driver's license - she will feel better if she's free to explore the area. Find her a good driving school (may be with a Russian speaking instructor?) rather than teaching yourself, this will save you some worries and make her a better driver

I probably talk more about this with her than anything... I plan on setting her up with private instruction, and then we can practice too... I tell her she doesnt want to learn from me anyway... So hey, maybe she will teach me something so I don't keep having to take Defensive Driving classes... Ironically, the last time I got a ticket, I was driving to the Jewelry store to get her engagement ring sized... I will never forget the first time she asked me how far I lived from the nearest Bus Stop... I said about 40 km... lol

Derek & Rita:

I asked my brother how he was able to manage his successful marriage. He said it's all about having common goals. I think that's basically it. Set goals for the both of yourselves and work towards them together. Since she won't be able to immediately contribute to earning income, she can contribute by managing the finances, keeping your expenditures low, stuff like that. Make sure she feels appreciated. Heck, mark a few days on your calendar a month just to show her your appreciation if you aren't naturally appreciative.

Very Good Words... I really don't know how long it will take for her to "get going"... But I really want her to know that she is important and anything she adds to our life and/or home things are important too, not just financial things. Of course I want to her to do those personal things that give her gratification, I just need to know where she is at in everyday things and how she reacts to the differences. I guess thats what I am trying to anticipate... and to know how to balance pushing her vs. letting her go at her own pace... Part of me, thinks I just need to not try and figure it all out and let everything go the way it should go... Enjoy the journey, if you will... Not always an easy thing for me... I like to "fix it" and make all things right, which is why I posted this topic. To learn from you all...

Brad & Vika:

But if she feels very strongly about a situation or thing I tend to just be supportive and let her go with it. At first you will have do be more of a director, but as she gets used to things here you may find you don't need to.

Absolutely... we even talk about this, cuz I am the "experienced" one... yeah, right... I tell her that many things just aren't worth arguing over. Better to be happy than always right...

I gather this is because in her home culture, admissions and apologies can be seen as weakness, so compromising or admitting you are wrong mean you lose...

We have both seen eachother's personalities here when arguing... and have both had to admit we were wrong and are "Kakashka" sometimes... It's actually kinda cool, because neither were "too big" for this. She knows I won't dominate her and I will admit I'm wrong and apologize, but I don't take ####### either if I feel strongly about it... Interestingly enough, arguments came from misunderstandings that get inflated by Skype or just long distance. In the end, she knows how I feel about her and that I love her anyway, and she does also with me... After those times... you REALLY wish you could be with them in person... cuz you need more than words...

James & Olya:

The USA and Russia share far more in cultural values than we have as differences.

So true... I wish all my friends and family could see this... Strong and beautiful people, just only need to take the time to see it. Stop watching TV and news to form opinions and go see for yourself... same thing when seeing the rest of the world, including the USA... There are good people and good things in every country if you are looking for it. My fiancee and her family - friends were my first and only experiences in Russia. I am so glad it was this way. I haved asked this of her when she comes here and when we go visit other places... To be an open book and find the good... Its much more fun this way...

Slim:

I guess that counts me out.

Nooooooo... Come on man... Throw me a bone... I am sure you are kidding... I think I read alot of your old threads... You must be doing something right... still together after 6 yrs...

Thank You everyone for replying... I am just asking everything I can from you that have experienced those culture shock or homesick things with your spouse and either you or they adjusted somehow. Or even in hindsight, you both found a better way to work through it. One thing that seems to happen now is that I can't really ask her any more questions about life here and what she thinks about it and what if ****, because frankly, "she doesn't know, what she doesn't know"... so we often end discussions with, "We will see"... It's funny to hear her jokingly say, "Noooo, It can't be true..." when she learns something doesn't exist at all, or even the way she knows it. Or those funny words, "I saw in a movie..." and then I try to explain as best I can... We laugh about those things now, but I anticipate a day when perhaps those things aren't so funny... when reality sets in. I have alot of patience, but I usually need to know the other person is trying and not going to give up. I can go to the end of the earth with that kind of person, and would do it for her. So thank you all again, for your time, advice, and comments... I appreciate the information very much...