Why do we keep fighting?

[Xanax 349]

I'm not sure this is a joke or not so I'll reply assuming it's not.. just because she's "never had a bf" doesn't mean she's never had sex, a LOT.

Tom Cruise thought that too...

This is supposed to be an encouraging thread so I won't got into the things in your post that I find incredibly disturbing but suffice it to say, your relationship is not one I would aspire to.

Agreed!!!!! Cannot find enough "!"'s

[missmissy 38]

In 2007 - we moved to Sweden for a year. I sold everything I had in the U.S., my kids were all in college and living on their own -and away we went. Honestly, it took me almost the entire year to start feeling good about being there and not so homesick and "lost" feeling. I never felt "normal" but I grew comfortable and I'd guess if we had stayed, it would have gotten better and better. We lived in Landskrona - a tiny, tiny little coastal village. We had internet but no car. The one thing that helped me more than anything - getting out on my own. I had a bike and I started exploring Landskrona and the surrounding areas. I learned how to buy train tickets and bus tickets and go grocery shopping. The more I did, the more I was out of our tiny apartment, the better I felt.

Having gone through this myself - I feel for the OP and for all foreign spouses. We just had a visit from Lars' son and his girlfriend and I was reminded again - it's not easy to get around in the United States. Only the larger cities have reliable and safe mass-transit in place. Almost everywhere else you need a car. Time and patience are needed. Hang in there!

[rlogan 2,036]

Sorry about that last post. It has to be hard adjusting to a lot of things. Like if you are a CEO of a brain surgery clinic and hope you can find a part-time job clearing ditches where you are moving to be with the one you love. The cultural differences can be difficult, you left the family at home, food is different, weather, attitudes, transportation systems, etc.

A couple years ago I shattered my leg in six places and I've been crippled for two years with the understanding this is a lifetime disability in a place where you really need to be a certain kind of athlete and jack of all trades. So I can't work like I could before, first going through months of operations and being bedridden, and having them not work and try other therapies, with more operations ahead of me still. My wife has a pretty horrific disability if you know how bad migraines can be. The entire neurological system is involved and she vomits green bile nearly continuously, days in the hospital on an IV and doped up unless you know how to intercede before it gets that bad. We're managing it OK now, but four episodes so far this month because of the weather, which is a trigger. Barometric changes.

Her family is living in a war zone, over a hundred thousand have been killed so far since the 1960's. The grocery store where we shop was blown up while waiting for her visa. The bridges on both sides of us: the one on the right, the MILF blew up. The one on the left was taken out in that flood that killed so many people recently in Iligan city. There are five checkpoints between us and the fish market. The Mayor of the province next door is on trial for his massacre of 48 people, personally, for daring to run for office against him. (Maguindinao Massacre) The schools are so appalling you could cry, so we have one brother in a private school and I am tutoring the sister until the brother graduates. We can't afford private school for both plus all my medical bills. Her little brother is on a respirator. I could go on but I already sound like a whiner.

Sorry again. Because here we are with our relationship being this shining bright spot amongst war and gangsterism, crippling injury and health disabilities, medical bills, the inability to work or even do the normal things you must do to survive in a log cabin on the edge of the wilderness. Thank God for each other and our family. Things couldn't be going better for us.

[Xanax 349]

The thing(s) I find "disturbing" is not your positive outlook. Things like how you dictated to your wife and family what was acceptable within your marriage. I am fairly sure Vanessa and are on the same page with this.

It's great that your relationship is working out so well for you and you seem to have overcome many obstacles!

But...your relationship (at least with the dynamics you have described) is not one I would aspire to.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Xanax

[Penny Lane 8,159]

A bunch of people have said that it is always hard adjusting, and I have to point out our experience was nothing of the sort. First of all, I specifically chose her culture after a lot of experience in foreign countries, including years in hers. I understood her so well that in the beginning I explained to her exactly how she felt about things, what was important to her, and how we would go about achieving her goals. That led to an all-out sneak attack, too salacious to tell here. But she did seem to have an understanding what would interest me despite never having a boyfriend before.

I spent months over there building a house with her father and brothers, and it was a riot. The worst time for us was the waiting in-between for her visa. But when she got here it was just wonderful, 24/7. She got a little psycho when she first got pregnant, and I was looking at her saying "You are way over the line here, ####### is wrong with you, have you lost your mind?!" She was pregnant.

Before coming over here the one thing that was an issue pertained to financial affairs. The upshot is that either she could adopt my way of doing things, like namely planning ahead and saving money for stuff - or they could drag me down to their level in which case I was leaving her out of self-preservation. Once she spent money I had sent for food and other expenses on the Manila interview trip. Too bad honey - you'll have to go hungry for two days. I already gave you the money. She told me it was over and hung up on me. But if I had sent more money then or any other time, I might be living a nightmare now instead. No means no.

Some have disagreed with me about this, but before she came over on the Visa I had a sit-down meeting with her mother. I explained that this was our honeymoon. If they contacted us just once over the first three months with any kind of emergency that I was sending her home. Because if they couldn't do that much for us then I knew it was going to be that way for the rest of the marriage. I love her mother, she loves me, and we get along great. She did me some real justice watching over her daughter while I was back in the US. So this was not a confrontational meeting in any sense. I am grateful to her. Just laying down the rules.

We're still on our honeymoon after five years.

This is one of the most creepily worded posts I've ever seen on VJ.

Edited July 25, 2012 by Evylin