Why do we keep fighting?

[bestofboston 36]

It takes two to argue. My wife is so wonderful. She never argues with me.

Perhaps you need to listen and try to understand why he is so unhappy.

I know that I would not like living with my in-laws for any period of time.

We have internet. That has made it so much easier for my wife because she can stay in contact with her family and friends she left behing via the internet and phone.

The quicker you get out of your parents home, the happier he will be. He obviously is experiencing more change than you.

Be patient and more understanding with him and see if that makes a difference. Most of all, get your own place together as soon as possible.

Good luck!

[attaya_girl 1]

My husband and I fought the most the first several months of his arrival. Like everyone, said it's a huge adjustment for them. It's hard, though, when you've both been daydreaming about this time for so long and it doesn't end up being quite the romantic period that you anticipated. It'll happen, though. It just takes time. Good luck and hang in there!

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

America is real tough. I worry about the same for my wife. Here we live in Bali which ain't bad, I work online, from our place, so I get paid in the US economy but live in a thrid world economy and our rent here is like $100 a month. Last I lived in the US I was paying $1,700 a month (albiet for a place on the beach in San Diego) which 1 month is more than 1 year in Bali.

Here my wife doesn't need to work, in the US she will need to work. Fortunately she is happy to work and only doesn't work anymore here because I told her to stop as it seemed silly for her to work 60 hours of week for what I make in a few hours on my USD salary when we have a 9 mos old at home.

I definitely don't miss the stress of the US and things will definitely be different there but we think it will be worth it. This is the price we must pay for freedom! Even though we've got a good situation here in Bali, I can't help but want to go straight to the airport everytime I listen to Lee Greenwald's God Bless the USA.

I'm sure New Zealand is really nice, but I'm guessing there was a reason he was ready to leave there in the first place. Heck somebody told me that you can go to jail in Australia for saying a swear word. Every place has it's ups and downs.

Also in Texas, USA.

[Donald-n-Analyn 6]

I would be super grumpy too, if I was far from my former home with no internet. How hard is it to get internet in a house in America? How rare is it to be without in this day and age?

I am curious as to how you made it this far, and how you communicated while he was still in New Zealand, without internet access.

Here is a hint: Want to improve his attitude and mental well-being? Get connected at home.

Wait... How are you even posting here?

[Caryh 5,206]

I would be super grumpy too, if I was far from my former home with no internet. How hard is it to get internet in a house in America? How rare is it to be without in this day and age?

I am curious as to how you made it this far, and how you communicated while he was still in New Zealand, without internet access.

Here is a hint: Want to improve his attitude and mental well-being? Get connected at home.

Wait... How are you even posting here?

I've lived where internet is really bad or near unavailable before. Satellite options for internet are around but its rather expensive and not very reliable, plus requires a long term commitment. I would drive closer in to town and communicate at coffee shops when this was the case, where decent access was available. Not everywhere in the country has decent access to internet yet, although it is getting better.

[AmyWrites 593]

I moved to Russia to be with my SO....

It's terrible at first, you have to start over essentially everything, and that person you moved for won't understand at first how hard it is. I can PM you more about it later but it's real late/early here so I'll just tell you I began to feel comfortable in Russia only about five months after I got here.

Please try to get internet. It doesn't help that he can't talk to his family often.

[Andie 147]

Anything he can do towards when you move to your own place? Kiwi's are generally do-it-yourselfers and like planning, making/building things. Any hobby's or sports he is into that he can spend time doing? Having your own place is going to make a world of difference, being able to buy things to use and have around that you have chosen. In the meantime, I'd agree that if he can use wifi at a nearby location would help and also when you are not working, that you spend time out doing things you both enjoy that brought you together. Does he have the option to do some of the cooking, or perhaps get together stuff for picnic dinners for the two of you. Is there a Whole Foods store (or similar) near you? At the moment he is pretty much treading water and without some structure to the day it can be frustratingly boring.

Hope things get better soon. Best to you both ...

[MrsNelson 10]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. You all were absolutely right, HE is the one who moved to MY country, and that combined with living with in-laws gives him every right to be frustrated. (Oh, and no, we can't get good internet at home because we live in a rural area, so we drive into town to a coffee shop, but I did manage to get him internet on his cell phone.)

I took a lot of your suggestions, I took him to the beach, I've set up weekly dinners with friends for us, we have decided to move out as soon as possible. His happiness means more to me than anything. We're cooking more, I've taken to cooking one dinner for us and one for my parents.

I emailed his parents, and they are sending a care package.

The job situation is frustrating still for him, but he is volunteering with the animal shelter, and applying to a lot of places. He applied to Lowe's yesterday, I'm crossing my fingers.

Whenever he gets frustrated I just remember our wedding day in South Korea, and how happy we were, and I remember that I promised myself I would be the best wife possible.

We DCF-filed, so we've never been apart in the four years we've been together. We can survive this adjustment. I think you all are right, and getting us into our own place is my first priority. I'm trying to find us a house "downtown" (small town, but we still have a downtown) so he feels closer to the action.

And as luck would have it, my parents have decided to go visit relatives so we have the house to ourselves this weekend.

We still have a ways to go, but I'm trying to be the wife he deserves.

I love all of you, thank you.

[EvilSquee 7]

Glad to hear things are going better for the OP. This is a good thread, full of useful advice. My fiance is already having a hard time preparing to leave Canada. He wanted to stay there and still wants to consider moving back some day, but I own a house, have 2 cars, and make a lot more while he lives with his parents, etc so financially it made no sense to go there. While we've both been frustrated during this process I'm realizing I need to ease up on him. His family has already made some pretty upsetting comments, from never coming to visit here, to how they won't see our kids if they're in the US when we divorce (best future in-laws ever! X_X) which is making it much much harder. Thanks everyone for the perspective and the reality check.

[Caryh 5,206]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. You all were absolutely right, HE is the one who moved to MY country, and that combined with living with in-laws gives him every right to be frustrated. (Oh, and no, we can't get good internet at home because we live in a rural area, so we drive into town to a coffee shop, but I did manage to get him internet on his cell phone.)

I took a lot of your suggestions, I took him to the beach, I've set up weekly dinners with friends for us, we have decided to move out as soon as possible. His happiness means more to me than anything. We're cooking more, I've taken to cooking one dinner for us and one for my parents.

I emailed his parents, and they are sending a care package.

The job situation is frustrating still for him, but he is volunteering with the animal shelter, and applying to a lot of places. He applied to Lowe's yesterday, I'm crossing my fingers.

Whenever he gets frustrated I just remember our wedding day in South Korea, and how happy we were, and I remember that I promised myself I would be the best wife possible.

We DCF-filed, so we've never been apart in the four years we've been together. We can survive this adjustment. I think you all are right, and getting us into our own place is my first priority. I'm trying to find us a house "downtown" (small town, but we still have a downtown) so he feels closer to the action.

And as luck would have it, my parents have decided to go visit relatives so we have the house to ourselves this weekend.

We still have a ways to go, but I'm trying to be the wife he deserves.

I love all of you, thank you.

Sounds like things are getting a bit better. I know its not easy sometimes dealing with the other person's adjustment issues, but do we really have a choice if we love them? My wife just had a few day long episode with homesickness again. I sure wish there was a pill to cure that, but only time is going to solve it.

[JohnR! 5,495]

1337609985[/url]' post='5391521']

I thought once we got here we would be so happy, but my husband doesn't seem to like America as much as I thought he would. We are staying with my parents at the moment, but it's only for one more month until my new job starts. He just seems to hate the whole situation, we fight all the time now. He hates that there's no internet at the house, that my parents only eat unhealthy food, that he may have to find a lower-level job than he's used to. We talked about all these things beforehand, but he's unhappy and it makes me unhappy. I know it will get better, but right now it just sucks so much. Thanks for listening. I just love him and want him to be happy.

Adjusting to life in another country is never easy.

It seems to me - and I may be wrong - that he is bored and anxious, which is understandable, and that is seeping into your relationship.

He can go to any cell phone store and buy a wireless card for his laptop, which would give him access to the net virtually anywhere in America. If he does not like the fare at your parents' , consider proposing to your parents that the two of you cook meals a few times a week? Maybe that would give them some time off the kitchen and it might be a nice experience for you and your husband to go to the market, buy fresh healthy foods and prepare meals together. it would also give him an opportunity to contribute to the household financially and chore wise.

Unfortunately there is nothing we can do in regards to the job situation. If he only qualifies for jobs to which he is not attracted he may consider taking courses and doing some professional development while he waits for a job.

I hope all works out for the two of you and forgive me for making so many unsolicited suggestions.

[Teddy B 17,252]

Glad to hear things are going a bit smoother for you Mrs. Nelson. I wish you the best.

I want to thank you for starting this thread and opening up to everyone. And I also want to thank everyone that has shared their experiences here. This thread has taught me a lot of what my wife is going through and made me appreciate her even more for giving up everything she's ever known to be with me.

Good stuff!

Edited June 1, 2012 by Teddy B

[Lioncub4 4]

It's been a while since I last posted on here, but this topic (and the replies that followed) is one close to my heart and I thought I would share my experiences in the hope it will help the OP (or anyone else for that matter). I totally agree and relate to all the replies said before - that things WILL get better. My situation mirrors your husband's in so many ways. I moved to the US (I'm the UKC) to be with my US wife and 2 month old son (I was waiting for the K1 visa while he was born) about 2 and a half years ago. We stayed with her father for the first month, which was difficult in so many ways. I thought once we got our own place everything would fall into place and I would feel happier. Actually the opposite happened and I got incredibly homesick to the point I was arguing with my wife over stupid things. At one point I even announced I was ready to move back to the UK just because I was so unhappy with the situation - new country, being a dad for the first time, no job, etc. I am so glad I stuck it out though!

Fast forward to today. I have a job that pays half what I earned in UK, I still get frustrated with the American way of doing things and I do miss a lot of the creature comforts from the old country (foods, TV programmes, friends and family). But my advice (which has already been said a number of times by previous posters) is - it DOES get better - a LOT. Once you get your own place, he gets a job, starts to make friends, and ultimately starts to live his life again - it will all start to settle down. There will be numerous times he will get frustrated with the American way, he will get homesick many times and he will just feel like a fish outta water! These are things he will have to get over and I don't think they will ever go away. Keep talking as a couple and listen to what bothers him the most. Then ask yourself what you can do to make it right? As an example if it is New Zealand foods he misses - then find either an international store close by or improvise with an American equivalent. Misses the rugby? Then subscribe to a cable TV channel that shows rugby.

In the end always remind him (and yourself) of the main reason he is here - to be with you because you love each other. Everything else is small compared to that. I wish you both the best and always know you have friends on VJ who have been here before!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

It's been a while since I last posted on here, but this topic (and the replies that followed) is one close to my heart and I thought I would share my experiences in the hope it will help the OP (or anyone else for that matter). I totally agree and relate to all the replies said before - that things WILL get better. My situation mirrors your husband's in so many ways. I moved to the US (I'm the UKC) to be with my US wife and 2 month old son (I was waiting for the K1 visa while he was born) about 2 and a half years ago. We stayed with her father for the first month, which was difficult in so many ways. I thought once we got our own place everything would fall into place and I would feel happier. Actually the opposite happened and I got incredibly homesick to the point I was arguing with my wife over stupid things. At one point I even announced I was ready to move back to the UK just because I was so unhappy with the situation - new country, being a dad for the first time, no job, etc. I am so glad I stuck it out though!

Fast forward to today. I have a job that pays half what I earned in UK, I still get frustrated with the American way of doing things and I do miss a lot of the creature comforts from the old country (foods, TV programmes, friends and family). But my advice (which has already been said a number of times by previous posters) is - it DOES get better - a LOT. Once you get your own place, he gets a job, starts to make friends, and ultimately starts to live his life again - it will all start to settle down. There will be numerous times he will get frustrated with the American way, he will get homesick many times and he will just feel like a fish outta water! These are things he will have to get over and I don't think they will ever go away. Keep talking as a couple and listen to what bothers him the most. Then ask yourself what you can do to make it right? As an example if it is New Zealand foods he misses - then find either an international store close by or improvise with an American equivalent. Misses the rugby? Then subscribe to a cable TV channel that shows rugby.

In the end always remind him (and yourself) of the main reason he is here - to be with you because you love each other. Everything else is small compared to that. I wish you both the best and always know you have friends on VJ who have been here before!

Most excellent post, thanks.

[Darnell 8,478]

to the OP - how are things recently? Hope all is well !