Why do we keep fighting?

[Jack&Ana 1]

He's the one who changed his entire life to be with you. He left everything and everybody he knows to build a future with you. Be patient, there's an adjustment period and we went or are going about it in different ways. For me it has been the same as BlueBonnet.

He realizes that after having a highly professional life, being at home all day long can be a little rough. We go out all the time, he makes an extra effort not to crash when he comes home from work but instead go out to dinner or a movie. America, like any other new place takes some getting used to. Could you imagine yourself being perfectly adapted to his home country after a few short weeks?

[SweetDelish 38]

Mrs Nelson, You have plenty of support and advice in this thread, so I'm thinking of something different to offer you thats not already said, so I'm trying to view this from the point of view as a Kiwi aswell (I live in Australia at the moment), to see what can be done to help lift his spirits a bit, if he had access to some familiar things from home, he might be happier. I spent 3 months in Canada and finding the smallest thing from NZ was uplifting when I was homesick. the internet is a big one, if nothing else, then this is the one thing you should seriously consider getting. You don't have to get completely wired up at the house, get a wireless card or such, have you found any local wireless spots he can go to? If he can have contact with home or read the NZ newspapers, he could relax a bit more.

see if you can find any local sports bars that show the Rugby, hes a kiwi, I'd be surprised if he didn't follow it. That should change his spirits immensely, nothing says home to a Kiwi man like a Rugby game. I know that the games can be streamed live from the internet over there, but.. you need internet for that.

how about encourage him to cook at least once a week, I know there are several websites that have NZ/Australian foods you can have delivered, it might be pricey, but a couple of small home treats will help that won't break the budget. contact his family in NZ perhaps and ask if they can send a care package or two.

Id be happy to send you some NZ recipes and links to websites for such things that I'm collecting myself for my (eventual) move.

I don't know if this will help him. but its worth a shot if it hasn't been tried already.

[bigdog 376]

It is a tough adjustment for all, especially for the loved ones who give up everything to join a new loved one in the USA. Many give up terrific carriers and high paying jobs and status in their home country and survive, others go home. Talk about the plan you had together, it will get better when you have your own home. Wishing you the best.

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

Thanks for all the folks sharing, this is a wonderful thread.

It's helping me see some new things from an immigrants perspective. I have much work to do in preparation before she arrives.

On a slight tangent, I think the USCIS is doing those of us from countries not on the VWP a disservice. Nothing will give me more satisfaction than to have my Fiance spend a month or two here before she decides to move completely.

[Redflame2012 32]

I understand what your husband is going through...nearly 4 years later and I'm still adjusting. You just need to give him space when he needs it, and a listening ear when he wants one. Take time out and show him you care.

If he can find volunteer work that gets him out and about mixing with people it will help structure his day.

I don't think any of us who have made the move abroad understood what it really meant until the move was completed. For me, I got depressed, I missed home, friends and familiarity of life that was no longer mine. I hated being dependent on some one so totally. I hated not working and having structure to my day. I hated that everyone and everything was so strange. I missed home, plain and simple. I grieved and in many respects I am still grieving. However I'm planning to return home for a few weeks - I'm soooo excited!

I think many of us are caught up in the romance of our situations but don't take enough time to plan the move...Living in the 'new' country for an extended period of time is really what is needed. A few weeks on holiday does not prepare you for what is to come and doesn't help you make a final decision on whether you can 'survive' the move away from your homeland or not.

Anyway, keep being patient...love him loads. Remember you are all he has in this country, no one else...His moods may vary and he may seem angry all the time but he's just unhappy...he is just too far from home.

In time, he will be okay because in time you will become his home...

Redfl.

Edited May 22, 2012 by Redflame2012

[evelyn1140 18]

I thought once we got here we would be so happy, but my husband doesn't seem to like America as much as I thought he would. We are staying with my parents at the moment, but it's only for one more month until my new job starts. He just seems to hate the whole situation, we fight all the time now. He hates that there's no internet at the house, that my parents only eat unhealthy food, that he may have to find a lower-level job than he's used to. We talked about all these things beforehand, but he's unhappy and it makes me unhappy. I know it will get better, but right now it just sucks so much. Thanks for listening. I just love him and want him to be happy.

it will take time. Remember you are living in your parents home, therefore you don't have some privacy. You might need to remind him what you 2 wanted to have as a couple.

Edited May 22, 2012 by evelyn1140

[Mr. Borkström 63]

The part about not having your own place to live is probably a huge factor.

My wife has her own house but she wants to move to a new place. The more I think about it, the more I like the thought of that. It may sound petty, but I figure once I move over, I will find myself in a whole new situation. So if my wife wants to move to a new place, that will in one way make us a tiny bit more equal, so to speak, because she will be out of her comfort zone a little bit too, she will be experiencing something new too. And it will also be something that we both have to get used while at the same time it's something that we can both call OUR home. Not her house, but our house.

Just a thought...

[JustUs 3]

Wonderful feedback and information on this post. Thank you to everyone for sharing.

[furble 3]

America is real tough. I worry about the same for my wife. Here we live in Bali which ain't bad, I work online, from our place, so I get paid in the US economy but live in a thrid world economy and our rent here is like $100 a month. Last I lived in the US I was paying $1,700 a month (albiet for a place on the beach in San Diego) which 1 month is more than 1 year in Bali.

Here my wife doesn't need to work, in the US she will need to work. Fortunately she is happy to work and only doesn't work anymore here because I told her to stop as it seemed silly for her to work 60 hours of week for what I make in a few hours on my USD salary when we have a 9 mos old at home.

I definitely don't miss the stress of the US and things will definitely be different there but we think it will be worth it. This is the price we must pay for freedom! Even though we've got a good situation here in Bali, I can't help but want to go straight to the airport everytime I listen to Lee Greenwald's God Bless the USA.

I'm sure New Zealand is really nice, but I'm guessing there was a reason he was ready to leave there in the first place. Heck somebody told me that you can go to jail in Australia for saying a swear word. Every place has it's ups and downs.

[jameugiekaxavilon 25]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this but I think part of it is, your husband is still on the process of adjusting. Talk to him in a nice and mellow manner, especially now that he is in the stage in maybe missing his life back his country. Hope everything will be settled in both of you!! GOD bless!!

[Butterflyvic 0]

He has faced the reality and its different from how it was when you talked about it. also its very bad to lvie with the parents, i was in that situation myself and it sucked a lot. he might also have culture shock. hopefully he gets through this, i didnt and i went back home.

[Xanax 349]

I'm sure New Zealand is really nice, but I'm guessing there was a reason he was ready to leave there in the first place. Heck somebody told me that you can go to jail in Australia for saying a swear word. Every place has it's ups and downs.

Don't believe everything you hear... lol

------

I think this is a great thread. I am here(US) for a 3 month holiday before I move permanently and I am feeling homesick and I am a little bit scared about my move now but it is also helping me get ready and helping me understand what life will be like, at least until we adjust status and I can work etc.

All I can advise is to try and be understanding towards your husband, I am sure the first 6 months are hard most new couples; add the stress of living with your family , changing diet etc, it could be very daunting.

Try to talk to him, ask him how he is feeling and ask what you guys could do together to help him feel better and more at home.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you!

[bellisima 0]

Looking at your time line, hes been here almost 3 months. It was a bit like that for me too. I left behind a house, a 50K a year job that I had had for almost 20 years, family, I gave everything up. I came to the USA for him, and found as the summer rolled around he was working a lot. Here I was, with no one really to talk to, no job, in a house I still wasnt really comfortable in, bored out of my mind and feeling like I couldnt contribute. It was pretty much the complete opposite of my life back home.

The first month, oh it was bliss, I hadnt seen him in so long, now here he was and it was amazing. After the first couple months, we hit a few bumps just trying to figure out how to live together - you know, his socks on the floor, my tampons in his medicine cabinet - silly things, but still not what one is used to. After the bliss its reality, and its harder on the person coming in, because they are changing everything all at once, it can be overwhelming. For me, alot of it was that I couldnt contribute finacialy, I hated that, I felt like I put so much pressure on him ( I had money, but I wasnt earning ).

Is he miserable, probably, is it you, probably not. Its culture shock, its missing family, its feeling useless, its to much. But it does get better. Dont give up on him after a couple of months, give him time.

One thing my husband did for me, was take me out all the time. Because we were long distance, we spend our days at home so we could be on the internet so we could be together. Niether of us ever went out, so when I got here, he took me out all the time. And that was nice, a real change for my life style of the past 3 years with him. All I can really say is just give him time to adjust, do things he loves to do, get out of the house alot, visit family ... keep busy.

For me, after that first few great months, it was probably 2 more months before we really settled. We had to learn how to live together, and that can be hard. Now, our marriage is strong and Im glad I did what I did. ( move here )

I still have a problem with the health care, so much insurance needed here and there, and such low wages, but Ill adapt eventually.

Thanks a lot for sharing your story with us. Great post.

[Darnell 8,478]

is he a guy? does he build things with tools?

if so, get yer father involved - as there be a garage that can be converted into a workshop .

be a great 'man bonding time' also for yer guy and yer father.

the grumpiness goes away when he views a thing that he's built - I don't care where ya are on the planet - this is universal.

[Iyawo_Omo_Yoruba 31]

This has been a great thread, full of insight. Though I will admit, these are the things I worry over most when thinking of my husbands arrival. He is a social butterfly, used to coming and going as he wishes within his life now. He is NOT the homebound type of man, I already understand this and have been thinking of ways to make this move more compatible with who I know he is as a person. Will I have every base covered? Oh heck no! But at least I will have something ready to be used to ease him in little by little.

Noone said this would be easy, keep your head up as you continue forward. You are still in the journey! Wishing you all the best!