Why do we keep fighting?

[MrsNelson 10]

I thought once we got here we would be so happy, but my husband doesn't seem to like America as much as I thought he would. We are staying with my parents at the moment, but it's only for one more month until my new job starts. He just seems to hate the whole situation, we fight all the time now. He hates that there's no internet at the house, that my parents only eat unhealthy food, that he may have to find a lower-level job than he's used to. We talked about all these things beforehand, but he's unhappy and it makes me unhappy. I know it will get better, but right now it just sucks so much. Thanks for listening. I just love him and want him to be happy.

[Gracenp2 14]

If he loves you he will stick to the Plan..

[BlueBonnet 84]

Looking at your time line, hes been here almost 3 months. It was a bit like that for me too. I left behind a house, a 50K a year job that I had had for almost 20 years, family, I gave everything up. I came to the USA for him, and found as the summer rolled around he was working a lot. Here I was, with no one really to talk to, no job, in a house I still wasnt really comfortable in, bored out of my mind and feeling like I couldnt contribute. It was pretty much the complete opposite of my life back home.

The first month, oh it was bliss, I hadnt seen him in so long, now here he was and it was amazing. After the first couple months, we hit a few bumps just trying to figure out how to live together - you know, his socks on the floor, my tampons in his medicine cabinet - silly things, but still not what one is used to. After the bliss its reality, and its harder on the person coming in, because they are changing everything all at once, it can be overwhelming. For me, alot of it was that I couldnt contribute finacialy, I hated that, I felt like I put so much pressure on him ( I had money, but I wasnt earning ).

Is he miserable, probably, is it you, probably not. Its culture shock, its missing family, its feeling useless, its to much. But it does get better. Dont give up on him after a couple of months, give him time.

One thing my husband did for me, was take me out all the time. Because we were long distance, we spend our days at home so we could be on the internet so we could be together. Niether of us ever went out, so when I got here, he took me out all the time. And that was nice, a real change for my life style of the past 3 years with him. All I can really say is just give him time to adjust, do things he loves to do, get out of the house alot, visit family ... keep busy.

For me, after that first few great months, it was probably 2 more months before we really settled. We had to learn how to live together, and that can be hard. Now, our marriage is strong and Im glad I did what I did. ( move here )

I still have a problem with the health care, so much insurance needed here and there, and such low wages, but Ill adapt eventually.

[LAKY 1]

That's the risk we all take when we bring our loved ones to this country. It sucks that even though we try to show them how life is like here they cannot handle it once they arrive. I would say try not to argue with him. You gotta understand that it is also a huge change for him. He changed a lifestyle that he had for all his life. Talk to him, show him that you are aware of the effort he's making to adjust himself to you and his new life. You are the one who's used to the country and it's your job to help him adjust. About the food and living with your parents try to move out asap! Because we all know that living with our parent- in-law is not a fun thing and males hate the fact that somehow they depend on us. If he doesn't like the food your parents make, try to make something different for him, things that he likes to eat. About the job, well its very rare that a person coming from another country finds a job that is on the same level or even higher in this country. America is a country of opportunities, but in order to succeed we need to prove America that we are hard workers and that we're capable of reaching our goals. No ellite position comes from the sky. We gotta work for what we have and wish to have. Again do not argue with him because that makes it worst. Put yourself in his position and say the thing you would want to hear if you were him. Don't give up and fight for your love

[nickbits 43]

I think things will get better after you move out. Living with inlaws is tough.

[tru_loves_journey 117]

Sorry things are making you sad. I think some ppl think things will be perfect when they arrive in America. He will have a hard time taking a lower level job for sure, but sadly he probably will have to for awhile, not always.I think everyone here has heard their husband say WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? It's hard for us americans to hear but all you can do is tell him this process IN america takes time too. There's no pot of gold here and no terrific jobs dropping out of the sky. It's a process. It's so hard for them to adjust to america just be patient with him. I wish you both the best

Edited May 21, 2012 by tru_loves_journey

[cathy2904 97]

I know that you know this, but he is going through a major adjustment and that will take time. Things should improve when you get your own place and he gets some control of his life back. I am very happy here with my husband but when I arrived I felt totally disempowered (and to a certain extent still do). I had given up a career that in many ways defined me. I felt as if I had lost my financial independence because I couldn't even get a credit card; I had to nag Trevor into getting me put on his account - not because he didn't want me to have a card, he just couldn't understand my hurry. I still don't know how things work (insurance, pensions etc). If I had been at home I would have been for a dental check-up and a sight test but I don't really know where to start. I am still getting used to thinking of this as our home, rather than his so I can't imagine how it would have been to have been living in someone else's home.

Give him time and lots of communication and try to keep him busy.

Do you live in or near a city where there might an expat meet-up group? We belong to the Brits-in-Atlanta group.

Best wishes to you both.

[Sirdaniel42 86]

Looking at your time line, hes been here almost 3 months. It was a bit like that for me too. I left behind a house, a 50K a year job that I had had for almost 20 years, family, I gave everything up. I came to the USA for him, and found as the summer rolled around he was working a lot. Here I was, with no one really to talk to, no job, in a house I still wasnt really comfortable in, bored out of my mind and feeling like I couldnt contribute. It was pretty much the complete opposite of my life back home.

The first month, oh it was bliss, I hadnt seen him in so long, now here he was and it was amazing. After the first couple months, we hit a few bumps just trying to figure out how to live together - you know, his socks on the floor, my tampons in his medicine cabinet - silly things, but still not what one is used to. After the bliss its reality, and its harder on the person coming in, because they are changing everything all at once, it can be overwhelming. For me, alot of it was that I couldnt contribute finacialy, I hated that, I felt like I put so much pressure on him ( I had money, but I wasnt earning ).

Is he miserable, probably, is it you, probably not. Its culture shock, its missing family, its feeling useless, its to much. But it does get better. Dont give up on him after a couple of months, give him time.

One thing my husband did for me, was take me out all the time. Because we were long distance, we spend our days at home so we could be on the internet so we could be together. Niether of us ever went out, so when I got here, he took me out all the time. And that was nice, a real change for my life style of the past 3 years with him. All I can really say is just give him time to adjust, do things he loves to do, get out of the house alot, visit family ... keep busy.

For me, after that first few great months, it was probably 2 more months before we really settled. We had to learn how to live together, and that can be hard. Now, our marriage is strong and Im glad I did what I did. ( move here )

I still have a problem with the health care, so much insurance needed here and there, and such low wages, but Ill adapt eventually.

:thumbs:

[MangoAve 25]

Looking at your time line, hes been here almost 3 months. It was a bit like that for me too. I left behind a house, a 50K a year job that I had had for almost 20 years, family, I gave everything up. I came to the USA for him, and found as the summer rolled around he was working a lot. Here I was, with no one really to talk to, no job, in a house I still wasnt really comfortable in, bored out of my mind and feeling like I couldnt contribute. It was pretty much the complete opposite of my life back home.

The first month, oh it was bliss, I hadnt seen him in so long, now here he was and it was amazing. After the first couple months, we hit a few bumps just trying to figure out how to live together - you know, his socks on the floor, my tampons in his medicine cabinet - silly things, but still not what one is used to. After the bliss its reality, and its harder on the person coming in, because they are changing everything all at once, it can be overwhelming. For me, alot of it was that I couldnt contribute finacialy, I hated that, I felt like I put so much pressure on him ( I had money, but I wasnt earning ).

Is he miserable, probably, is it you, probably not. Its culture shock, its missing family, its feeling useless, its to much. But it does get better. Dont give up on him after a couple of months, give him time.

One thing my husband did for me, was take me out all the time. Because we were long distance, we spend our days at home so we could be on the internet so we could be together. Niether of us ever went out, so when I got here, he took me out all the time. And that was nice, a real change for my life style of the past 3 years with him. All I can really say is just give him time to adjust, do things he loves to do, get out of the house alot, visit family ... keep busy.

For me, after that first few great months, it was probably 2 more months before we really settled. We had to learn how to live together, and that can be hard. Now, our marriage is strong and Im glad I did what I did. ( move here )

I still have a problem with the health care, so much insurance needed here and there, and such low wages, but Ill adapt eventually.

Thanks for this insight (even tho this wasnt my thread). It is good for me being the petitioner to see what the experience is from the side of the beneficiary. My fiance doesn't have money and is worried a little about contribution. This is probably why I keep seeing that she wants to help me with whatever she can, cook for me, and help around the house 'cuz when she gets here she will have to wait to work and can't go anywhere without me. Big culture shock and she doesn't know where anything is. (That may be a big part of why you went out so often, to learn where stuff is). But at least I know to do more than just be a good husband, but to reassure her that whatever she does that she can do is appreciated.

[Peter_Pan 661]

He hates that there's no internet at the house, that my parents only eat unhealthy food, that he may have to find a lower-level job than he's used to.

I would totally hate that and yeah, probably would resent my US partner a bit. No rational, but human.

[Caryh 5,206]

I've watched my wife go through this. How much harder it would have been if we had to live in someone else's home, I just can't imagine it. They give up everything to be here. Their jobs, family, the land they know and understand, their life style, I mean really its darn near everything. Then they get here and what do they find? They don't know how to get around, they don't know where they are, they can't work, when they can they're starting off below were they were before. Their comfort foods are all gone. Their friends are too far away. Everyone is a stranger, even you as their spouse suddenly is different because now you're living together and they see all sides of you. They are totally dependent on one person, and yes, its easy for them resent that. Add in they can't even eat the healthy meals they're used to? Of course he's going crazy. Of course there's fighting. You are the one on the home ground. You're the one who needs to be bigger. The one who needs to ignore and let go of comments made out in anger or frustration. You expect them to be grateful for all you've done to help you two be together, and down inside there is a place they are. But its hidden under a thousand daily frustrations for them. You're never going to understand all of the frustrations and emotions they're going through, but it doesn't matter. Its now your job to sympathize with them, to give them every bit of strength you can, to ignore any bad actions until they slowly start to come back to themselves. Some people are stronger on both sides of this. Some of these long distance marriages fail because of these frustrations. Do you want your's to be one that works? Then give it everything you have. As they get over these emotions and frustrations, the support you give now is the thing they're going to remember, and its great training when later hard times hit you.

[Holly2234 66]

The hardest part i think is finding your place. Meeting new people and regaining a purpose in life so to speak. Jobs, friends and hobbies are all right up there for me. Not so much in my own country because i know how things work so theres a sense of security. Going somewhere new, you just have to get in there.

The best piece of advice i have been given regarding this kind of thing is: Dont dwell on the things you CANT do, but the things you CAN do. Such as wake up with your partner every day, go to the beach/skiing (depending on where you live ).

I think it gets easier to deal with. I know when my husband first came to live in the UK he found it hard to adjust and i just had to let him get through it. And he has, even though he hates it here, its easier.

Just try to give him time and involve him as much as possible. Giving him independence is really important too. Drivers licence, bank account and access to money etc. It all helps to not feel to dependent on people.

[GAFL 16]

Greetings,

I have yet to even file for my fiancee to come to the states, but I am glad I came across your post. I pray God's blessings over your marriage. I pray for strength during these difficult times. I pray God increase you all's financial situation so that you two can get your own home. I pray that God puts on your heart the right words to say and at the right times. I pray for peace over you two. I send this prayer up for you both. In Jesus most Holy and precious name....

Amen!

I've watched my wife go through this. How much harder it would have been if we had to live in someone else's home, I just can't imagine it. They give up everything to be here. Their jobs, family, the land they know and understand, their life style, I mean really its darn near everything. Then they get here and what do they find? They don't know how to get around, they don't know where they are, they can't work, when they can they're starting off below were they were before. Their comfort foods are all gone. Their friends are too far away. Everyone is a stranger, even you as their spouse suddenly is different because now you're living together and they see all sides of you. They are totally dependent on one person, and yes, its easy for them resent that. Add in they can't even eat the healthy meals they're used to? Of course he's going crazy. Of course there's fighting. You are the one on the home ground. You're the one who needs to be bigger. The one who needs to ignore and let go of comments made out in anger or frustration. You expect them to be grateful for all you've done to help you two be together, and down inside there is a place they are. But its hidden under a thousand daily frustrations for them. You're never going to understand all of the frustrations and emotions they're going through, but it doesn't matter. Its now your job to sympathize with them, to give them every bit of strength you can, to ignore any bad actions until they slowly start to come back to themselves. Some people are stronger on both sides of this. Some of these long distance marriages fail because of these frustrations. Do you want your's to be one that works? Then give it everything you have. As they get over these emotions and frustrations, the support you give now is the thing they're going to remember, and its great training when later hard times hit you.

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

I've watched my wife go through this. How much harder it would have been if we had to live in someone else's home, I just can't imagine it. They give up everything to be here. Their jobs, family, the land they know and understand, their life style, I mean really its darn near everything. Then they get here and what do they find? They don't know how to get around, they don't know where they are, they can't work, when they can they're starting off below were they were before. Their comfort foods are all gone. Their friends are too far away. Everyone is a stranger, even you as their spouse suddenly is different because now you're living together and they see all sides of you. They are totally dependent on one person, and yes, its easy for them resent that. Add in they can't even eat the healthy meals they're used to? Of course he's going crazy. Of course there's fighting. You are the one on the home ground. You're the one who needs to be bigger. The one who needs to ignore and let go of comments made out in anger or frustration. You expect them to be grateful for all you've done to help you two be together, and down inside there is a place they are. But its hidden under a thousand daily frustrations for them. You're never going to understand all of the frustrations and emotions they're going through, but it doesn't matter. Its now your job to sympathize with them, to give them every bit of strength you can, to ignore any bad actions until they slowly start to come back to themselves. Some people are stronger on both sides of this. Some of these long distance marriages fail because of these frustrations. Do you want your's to be one that works? Then give it everything you have. As they get over these emotions and frustrations, the support you give now is the thing they're going to remember, and its great training when later hard times hit you.

Bravo.

[canada_socks 97]

I was like that for a while. I didn't experience a culture shock or anything as I am from Canada, but I guess it was more of a lifestyle change. When I lived in Canada, I was at home with my parents and brother. I worked 50-60 hours a week and had plenty of friends. After coming here to America, I felt lonely and useless as I wasn't able to work. I felt quite depressed and often took it out on my now husband. It is getting better though. I have met a few people and have my green card now so I will look for a job soon. I am currently back in Canada for a visit without my husband (he will be joining me next week as we are having our larger wedding reception for my family and friends on June 2nd), and I find I am now feeling homesick for my American home.

Perhaps once you guys get out into your own place it will start to get better. I also worried about the job thing too, and I was an assistant manager at a restaurant making really good money and I am scared of starting over. I could see about getting a job similar to what I had before, but I want to try something different. We weighed our options and I might go back to school in the fall (after I see a career counselor). Maybe he can look into that as well? To see what his options are?