Cautious with Questions

[LeDiamant 0]

Hello, I am brand new to the site. I signed up at the behest of my friend who went through the entire immigration process with a man from Algeria. They have been married now for 4 years. I am writing in regards to the situation that I am in. I actually met a man (with no intentions of romance) through a simple penpal site. We have spoken for quite some time now. He is originally from Morocco, but has lived in Paris, France for the last eight years. Through writing and speaking on the phone, we have developed what you could call a romance. Nothing too crazy. He flew out here to meet me for a few days a couple of weeks ago. Everything was wonderful and we had a great time! We got to know each other a little better (nothing sexual). It was more like having a few dates with someone. He was very respectful and kind. I am going to be going to Paris in september to see him, so that perhaps we can get a feel of what it is like to see each other more and see where this could go.

I have a lot of concerns though. I suppose I am posing this more to hear people's stories, good and bad. If there is something between us it would be amazing, but obviously I am not leaving my job to live in France and I don't want to give someone a free ride into the U.S. What is it that I should be looking out for or aware of? Hmm, I suppose what are 'red flags' more or less. I do not give him money and he has never asked. I would never do that anyway. He has a good job in Paris (he is contracted with a bank). I am not naive, nor am I 'blinded by love' or young enough to think that 'love is all two people need' to make the world a better place.

Any advice or words would be helpful and appreciated! I know that there are some stories that turn out wonderful with two honest loving people wanting to start a life together, but I also know there are very bad people in the world. Anything you have to say would be great! And ask whatever questions you'd like as long as they are appropriate and I will certainly answer to get a better understanding of what to do.

Thanks again!

[bigdog 376]

Looks like your keeping it casual so far, have a nice vacation and see what happens. Everyone's experiences are different, speak with a best friend, family, clergy etc.

[LeDiamant 0]

Looks like your keeping it casual so far, have a nice vacation and see what happens. Everyone's experiences are different, speak with a best friend, family, clergy etc.

Thank you very much for responding! And yes it is casual (at the moment), I suppose I can just feel it slipping towards something romantic; but, again, thank you very much!

[theunknown 5]

Hello, I am brand new to the site. I signed up at the behest of my friend who went through the entire immigration process with a man from Algeria. They have been married now for 4 years. I am writing in regards to the situation that I am in. I actually met a man (with no intentions of romance) through a simple penpal site. We have spoken for quite some time now. He is originally from Morocco, but has lived in Paris, France for the last eight years. Through writing and speaking on the phone, we have developed what you could call a romance. Nothing too crazy. He flew out here to meet me for a few days a couple of weeks ago. Everything was wonderful and we had a great time! We got to know each other a little better (nothing sexual). It was more like having a few dates with someone. He was very respectful and kind. I am going to be going to Paris in september to see him, so that perhaps we can get a feel of what it is like to see each other more and see where this could go.

I have a lot of concerns though. I suppose I am posing this more to hear people's stories, good and bad. If there is something between us it would be amazing, but obviously I am not leaving my job to live in France and I don't want to give someone a free ride into the U.S. What is it that I should be looking out for or aware of? Hmm, I suppose what are 'red flags' more or less. I do not give him money and he has never asked. I would never do that anyway. He has a good job in Paris (he is contracted with a bank). I am not naive, nor am I 'blinded by love' or young enough to think that 'love is all two people need' to make the world a better place.

Any advice or words would be helpful and appreciated! I know that there are some stories that turn out wonderful with two honest loving people wanting to start a life together, but I also know there are very bad people in the world. Anything you have to say would be great! And ask whatever questions you'd like as long as they are appropriate and I will certainly answer to get a better understanding of what to do.

Thanks again!

Hey I cant see a question here to answer. u are the only one who could tell if that relationship would turn romantic or not and also u are the only one who can tell about the real intentions for the man u date. so what u can do now is go where your heart and mind take u till u both decide what u wanna do. France is not a third world country for him to get u just to go to the U.S

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Hello, I am brand new to the site. I signed up at the behest of my friend who went through the entire immigration process with a man from Algeria. They have been married now for 4 years. I am writing in regards to the situation that I am in. I actually met a man (with no intentions of romance) through a simple penpal site. We have spoken for quite some time now. He is originally from Morocco, but has lived in Paris, France for the last eight years. Through writing and speaking on the phone, we have developed what you could call a romance. Nothing too crazy. He flew out here to meet me for a few days a couple of weeks ago. Everything was wonderful and we had a great time! We got to know each other a little better (nothing sexual). It was more like having a few dates with someone. He was very respectful and kind. I am going to be going to Paris in september to see him, so that perhaps we can get a feel of what it is like to see each other more and see where this could go.

I have a lot of concerns though. I suppose I am posing this more to hear people's stories, good and bad. If there is something between us it would be amazing, but obviously I am not leaving my job to live in France and I don't want to give someone a free ride into the U.S. What is it that I should be looking out for or aware of? Hmm, I suppose what are 'red flags' more or less. I do not give him money and he has never asked. I would never do that anyway. He has a good job in Paris (he is contracted with a bank). I am not naive, nor am I 'blinded by love' or young enough to think that 'love is all two people need' to make the world a better place.

Any advice or words would be helpful and appreciated! I know that there are some stories that turn out wonderful with two honest loving people wanting to start a life together, but I also know there are very bad people in the world. Anything you have to say would be great! And ask whatever questions you'd like as long as they are appropriate and I will certainly answer to get a better understanding of what to do.

Thanks again!

Well.

How long have you known him ? How soon after meeting did he start the romantic chat ?

Does he have French citizenship, or legal permanent residency ? If so, how did he obtain it ?

From what you've written, it seems like you have a respectful and decent relationship. He made the effort (in time and expense) to come see you and (it seems) made no attempt to get engaged or married on that trip. This would be a positive factor. Of course he should not be asking you for money - that would be a huge red flag.

If you are indeed considering an engagement and marriage, you should definitely check him out in France - see for yourself how he's living (of course make sure he doesn't have a wife or live-in girlfriend there, if you have any possible doubts about that.)

Has he ever discussed immigration to the U.S. with you ? Has he ever seemed to be impatient with the progression of your relationship not moving along fast enough ? If so, I would consider those red flags. Also, if he is significantly younger than you (more than 10-12 years or so) that would also be a potential red flag.

If you are worried about potentially being used for a free ride, have a good look at his status in France - is he about to lose his legal permission to work there ? Is his contract a temporary one ? If he is well established with a solid, well-paying career in France, it's rather unlikely he would need to find an American to sponsor a green card.

Most of all, if you are having these kinds of questions at this point (and it's a GOOD thing to be wary !) then you are not ready to take it to the next level anyway. So there is really no need to even think about immigration right now. Spend more "real time" together. Get to know him much better. Meet his family if at all possible. Take your time (as you both seem to be doing.)

And have a great trip to France !

[LeDiamant 0]

Thank you so very much for responding! =) We have known each other for about four months (emails, phone calls, txting and meeting), so obviously I am not dedicating my life to this man, yet. We never really ‘started’ speaking romantically about being together. It was very natural and just happened over time. We would state how wonderful it was to speak to each other (things like that) and slowly it graduated into admitting attraction and care. So it’s been a slow build, I would say. Obviously, after meeting each other it’s been a bit stronger, but no kind of pressure.

He is only in France on a student visa which turns to a working Visa in Feb. He is not a citizen (temporary or permanent). He actually received a degree in California (so he has been to the U.S. before and still has his visa here as well). Also, he is 25 and I am 28, so the age difference is not significant.

He has an apartment in France, that I’ve seen hundreds of times through video chatting and there is no wife or live-in-gf…she would have to be very small! His apartment is very little (compared to U.S. standards) but it’s Paris. He has never seemed impatient about any which way the relationship is going, quite the contrary actually. We’ve actually discussed this subject and my concerns with him. So he is aware of my thoughts and feelings.

He has a very good job and is not want for money. If he truly wanted to come to the U.S., he could do it on his own, I am sure. Getting him to the U.S. is not an issue I am considering at the moment, no. I honestly just wanted some feedback from individuals when and if that conversation does come up or if that level is something we want to take sometime in the future.

Again, thank you for your advice and insight! It’s much appreciated! I hope you have a beautiful day!

Well.

How long have you known him ? How soon after meeting did he start the romantic chat ?

Does he have French citizenship, or legal permanent residency ? If so, how did he obtain it ?

From what you've written, it seems like you have a respectful and decent relationship. He made the effort (in time and expense) to come see you and (it seems) made no attempt to get engaged or married on that trip. This would be a positive factor. Of course he should not be asking you for money - that would be a huge red flag.

If you are indeed considering an engagement and marriage, you should definitely check him out in France - see for yourself how he's living (of course make sure he doesn't have a wife or live-in girlfriend there, if you have any possible doubts about that.)

Has he ever discussed immigration to the U.S. with you ? Has he ever seemed to be impatient with the progression of your relationship not moving along fast enough ? If so, I would consider those red flags. Also, if he is significantly younger than you (more than 10-12 years or so) that would also be a potential red flag.

If you are worried about potentially being used for a free ride, have a good look at his status in France - is he about to lose his legal permission to work there ? Is his contract a temporary one ? If he is well established with a solid, well-paying career in France, it's rather unlikely he would need to find an American to sponsor a green card.

Most of all, if you are having these kinds of questions at this point (and it's a GOOD thing to be wary !) then you are not ready to take it to the next level anyway. So there is really no need to even think about immigration right now. Spend more "real time" together. Get to know him much better. Meet his family if at all possible. Take your time (as you both seem to be doing.)

And have a great trip to France !

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I

Thank you so very much for responding! =) We have known each other for about four months (emails, phone calls, txting and meeting), so obviously I am not dedicating my life to this man, yet. We never really ‘started’ speaking romantically about being together. It was very natural and just happened over time. We would state how wonderful it was to speak to each other (things like that) and slowly it graduated into admitting attraction and care. So it’s been a slow build, I would say. Obviously, after meeting each other it’s been a bit stronger, but no kind of pressure.

He is only in France on a student visa which turns to a working Visa in Feb. He is not a citizen (temporary or permanent). He actually received a degree in California (so he has been to the U.S. before and still has his visa here as well). Also, he is 25 and I am 28, so the age difference is not significant.

He has an apartment in France, that I’ve seen hundreds of times through video chatting and there is no wife or live-in-gf…she would have to be very small! His apartment is very little (compared to U.S. standards) but it’s Paris. He has never seemed impatient about any which way the relationship is going, quite the contrary actually. We’ve actually discussed this subject and my concerns with him. So he is aware of my thoughts and feelings.

He has a very good job and is not want for money. If he truly wanted to come to the U.S., he could do it on his own, I am sure. Getting him to the U.S. is not an issue I am considering at the moment, no. I honestly just wanted some feedback from individuals when and if that conversation does come up or if that level is something we want to take sometime in the future.

Again, thank you for your advice and insight! It’s much appreciated! I hope you have a beautiful day!

I think you answered your own question. A good job is NOT the same as citizenship status and honestly you are the only person who can determine if he wants papers or you. If he wants children and you to be a muslim,those would be two very big indicators of whether he views this as potential marriage or not. IF he he not talking love and keeping things very platonic, I find that very weird knowing Algerians.. most I know launch into romantic music and the whole nine yards. I have never met a cold one. I think you need to just spend time with him and see if he wants you to meet his friends and family.. those for me are big indicators. Is he introducing you to his mom and family?

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Well... I can't personally speak for Moroccans or Algerians, but I'm sure there are all sorts of variables in different individuals' demeanor.

And just for the record... my husband did not really start the love talk until we'd known each other for a while - it was more than a year. And even then, he was very respectful, and never ever tried to have sexy times before we were married. But he's definitely not a cold one; he just has self-control and a certain code of behavior.

[msheesha 548]

There is also room for people who have had cultural experiences outside of their country of origin. So, even if the norm in Morocco is not to date for an extended period of time and get married quickly, this particular Moroccan has had the experience of living in other countries and being exposed to other cultures. So, it should not necessarily be considered odd or weird.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

There were two things that caught my attention:

He is only in France on a student visa which turns to a working Visa in Feb. He is not a citizen (temporary or permanent). He actually received a degree in California (so he has been to the U.S. before and still has his visa here as well).

That could be a potential red flag - his French visa status is not rock solid. Getting a student visa is one thing, but a work permit (or permanent residency) is another matter. His employer may make that easy for him - I don't know. But you know what they say about promises... and February is a long way away.

If he truly wanted to come to the U.S., he could do it on his own, I am sure.

Not necessarily. He could probably get another student visa to the U.S. without too much trouble if he has money. Did he get a visitor visa to come see you, or was he still on his student visa ?

Still, getting a job with an American company that would sponsor a work visa for him could be much more difficult, depending on his field and skills and how many Americans are available to fill that position. If he's rich, no problem - he can get a business visa. But if he's not loaded, it's a lot harder.

Just take it slow, and get to know him well. Four months isn't really a very long time.

You could always ask him stuff like "what would you think if I moved to France and got residency there?" just to see what his reaction is.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Wait, what?

He's living in Paris, where he's been for 8 years, on a student visa and he has a student visa that's still valid from when he earned a degree in the US which allowed him to travel back into the US - and he's 25? Is that right?

I'd be far more concerned about a 25 year old MENA man with all of this money to travel and study but isn't married or at least engaged.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Wait, what?

He's living in Paris, where he's been for 8 years, on a student visa and he has a student visa that's still valid from when he earned a degree in the US which allowed him to travel back into the US - and he's 25? Is that right?

I'd be far more concerned about a 25 year old MENA man with all of this money to travel and study but isn't married or at least engaged.

Good catch

Something is missing from this story.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

There were two things that caught my attention:

That could be a potential red flag - his French visa status is not rock solid. Getting a student visa is one thing, but a work permit (or permanent residency) is another matter. His employer may make that easy for him - I don't know. But you know what they say about promises... and February is a long way away.

Not necessarily. He could probably get another student visa to the U.S. without too much trouble if he has money. Did he get a visitor visa to come see you, or was he still on his student visa ?

Still, getting a job with an American company that would sponsor a work visa for him could be much more difficult, depending on his field and skills and how many Americans are available to fill that position. If he's rich, no problem - he can get a business visa. But if he's not loaded, it's a lot harder.

Just take it slow, and get to know him well. Four months isn't really a very long time.

You could always ask him stuff like "what would you think if I moved to France and got residency there?" just to see what his reaction is.

Well WOM, if he wanted a french residency visa, he would be loving up a french girl or at least a beur ( arab living in France) The American greencard and then citizenship is a hell of a lot more valuable than the now revokable european passports. In fact, if you dump the european, you often lose the status, unlike the US, where no one takes it away unless you commit a grevious crime

Good catch

Something is missing from this story.

There sure is and it sounds like the marriage he should have done when he was still stateside before he ran out of time and status in France

Well... I can't personally speak for Moroccans or Algerians, but I'm sure there are all sorts of variables in different individuals' demeanor.

And just for the record... my husband did not really start the love talk until we'd known each other for a while - it was more than a year. And even then, he was very respectful, and never ever tried to have sexy times before we were married. But he's definitely not a cold one; he just has self-control and a certain code of behavior.

sexy time hahahahahahhahahah BORAT

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

sexy time hahahahahahhahahah BORAT

LOL that was only me being silly... my husband wouldn't call it that. He would say "play aroos aris" (bride and groom) or just لعب

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

LOL that was only me being silly... my husband wouldn't call it that. He would say "play aroos aris" (bride and groom) or just لعب

I think we need to start a catagory called MMID.

That could be followed by the statement MMID and here is why...

Its almost as if women come on here to state all the reason TMID and then wait for a rebuttal.

Just because someone has a good job in France, doesn't mean they don't have to start trying to figure out how to fix their status. Then the race begins to secure citizenship and residency in the place they want to end up. I couldn't imagine a long platonic conversation ensuing where there was the intention of a relationship. It sounds fishy to me and just because someone can come here ( on a visa that is a 10 year entry or tourist or school visa) does not mean they have no underlying intentions. But of course, MMID

Wait, what?

He's living in Paris, where he's been for 8 years, on a student visa and he has a student visa that's still valid from when he earned a degree in the US which allowed him to travel back into the US - and he's 25? Is that right?

I'd be far more concerned about a 25 year old MENA man with all of this money to travel and study but isn't married or at least engaged.

Exactly. Why get married or engaged when the ultimate goal is to figure out which foreign country they are going to throw their will behind