Just for the Ladies

[Marilyn. 340]

The Washcloth

Ladies (& Gents) this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me

that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just

packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any

time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort

over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be

able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my

pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave

myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least

presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some

clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called

in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,

looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in

Paris or some other place a million miles away

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra

effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing,

she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the

sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

[Marilyn. 340]

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

***********************************************************

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted"

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

***********************************************************

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

***********************************************************

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

***********************************************************

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

**********************************************************

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

**********************************************************

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

***********************************************************

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

*************************************************************

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

[Marilyn. 340]

How To Install A Home Security System.......

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."

[Marilyn. 340]

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

[Marilyn. 340]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

BEAST

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

Edited October 23, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

A woman went to a doctor and said", I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The doctor said, "oh really, what have you been doing for it?"

The woman replied, "snorting pepper."

**********************************************

"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight".

"What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

**********************************************

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty .... do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

*******************************************

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

3. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

[Marilyn. 340]

FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, B ) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened

Edited November 4, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

# "I'm going fishing."

Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

# "Let's take your car."

Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

# "Woman driver."

Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

# "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."

Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

# "It's a guy thing."

Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

# "Can I help with dinner?"

Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

# "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

# "Good idea."

Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

*"Have you lost weight?"

Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

# "My wife doesn't understand me."

Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

# "It would take too long to explain."

Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

# "I'm getting more exercise lately."

Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

# "I got a lot done."

Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

# "We're going to be late."

Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

# "Hey, I've read all the classics."

Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

# "You cook just like my mother used to."

Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

# "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."

Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

# "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

# "That's interesting, dear."

Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

# "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

# "You expect too much of me."

Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

# "It's a really good movie."

Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

# "That's women's work."

Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

# "Will you marry me?"

Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

# "Go ask your mother."

Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

# "You know how bad my memory is."

Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

# "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

# "Football is a man's game."

Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."

# "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

# "I do help around the house."

Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

# "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

# "I can't find it."

Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

# "What did I do this time?"

Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

# "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"

Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

# "She's one of those rabid feminists."

Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."

# "But I hate to go shopping."

Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

# "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."

Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."

# "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."

Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

# "I heard you."

Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

# "You know I could never love anyone else."

Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

# "You look terrific."

Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

# "I brought you a present."

Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

# "I missed you."

Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

# "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

# "We share the housework."

Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

# "This relationship is getting too serious."

Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

# "I recycle."

Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

# "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."

Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

# "It sure snowed last night."

Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

# "It's good beer."

Really means.... "It was on sale."

# "I don't need to read the instructions."

Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

# "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."

Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustated and buy a new one."

# "I broke up with her."

Really means.... "She dumped me."

# "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."

Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

Edited November 6, 2006 by MarilynP

[Ban Hammer 13,445]

[munchkins 0]

Marilyn I cannot believe that you are still adding to this thread that I started what seems so long ago in January yet once again you have given me the best laugh I have had in a while, I say it again, I do not know where you get them all from but they are ace, thanks again

[Marilyn. 340]

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never

laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

[Marilyn. 340]

QUOTES FROM WOMEN

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Erica Jong

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -- Rita Rudner

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -- Dolly Parton

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -- Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. -- Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. -- Sue Grafton

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky

I think -- therefore I'm single. -- Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Gloria Steinem

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Katharine Hepburn

[Marilyn. 340]

Why women are having a hard time finding Mr. Right and why men are hard to love:

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think you are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after your money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think you are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think you are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

“Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.”

[Marilyn. 340]

GOING BRA SHOPPING

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Edited December 10, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

Santa Claus is a woman!

Santa Claus is a woman because:

* The vast majorities of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.

* For a he-Santa, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh.

* Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

* For a Santa man, there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue.

* He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

* Men can't pack a bag.

* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

* Men don't answer their mail.

* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

* Having to do the 'Ho Ho Ho' thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.